Digest for Tuesday, September 02, 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 491 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Relationships
- Riddle (off. to AIDS patients??)
- Decision making
- Computer Hillbillies
- RED NECK ETIQUETTE part I(off to REDNECKS, but since they dont
- The Days of Old
- Humor - A George Carlin One-Liner
- Barbs and other humorous observations
- Internet banking
- Forrest Gump
- Surd Times : Underground
- Tip for the Day
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Date: Tue, 2 Sep 1997 03:28:16 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Relationships <adult humor>
* "You might show me a little more respect." complained the
coed as she and her date were driving back from "Lover's Lookout".
"Yeah ?" said the smirking boy, "Like by doing what ?"
"Well, for starters clown, not flying my panty hose from your
radio aerial."
- - - - -
* The lovers had decided that a mutual parting of the ways was best
for both of them. However, on the way to the Airport a rather heated
debate started as to whose fault their break-up was.
At the crowded gate, she turned and said, "Thanks for nothing you
cheap bastard."
As she went down the ramp with the other passengers, he shouted
back "Hey baby. Don't be like that. If you ever work this town
again, give me a call."
- - - - -
* "What's this I hear about you breaking off your engagement Pam ?"
said her closest friend.
"Well," Pam confirmed, "although his diamond was of pretty good
quality, his mounting left a lot to be desired."
- - - - -
* In the Navy all young pilots try to outdo each other with 'war
stories'. During one such session, a young stud bragged that he had
a thing going with a 30 year old woman.
A second throttle jockey said that that was nothing, he had a 35
year old woman head over heels in love with him.
I told them both that neither of their accomplishments merited any
medals, that I had a relationship with a beautiful 24 year old woman.
One of the pilots pointed out that was hardly any age difference
at all, and not such a big deal.
I smiled and said, "Hey... give me a break guys. I was only 12 at
the time."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy humor ? Visit me @
(joke page) http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html
(postings) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date: Tue, 2 Sep 1997 13:08:58 +0300
From: Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: Riddle (off. to AIDS patients??)
What can be more awful that being sick with AIDS?
Sensitivity to rubber.
ariel :)
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Date: Tue, 2 Sep 1997 08:17:45 -0400
From: Narasimhan, Seshadri <NarasimhanS@BERNSTEIN.COM>
Subject: Decision making <not off.>
Stolen from the INDIA-D digest:
From: Meher VV
Mr.X wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet
the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to
him:
"What would you do if you realised that 2 trains were heading for
each other on the same track?"
Mr.X says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Mr.X," and I'd use the
manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Mr.X continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the
next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case," persevered Mr.X, "I'd rush down out of the box and
use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."
* Sai
X5098
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Date: Tue, 2 Sep 1997 08:58:24 -0400
From: Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Computer Hillbillies
Computer Hillbillies
Come and listen to story =91bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But the one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."
UNIX, this is... CRTs... Workstations...
Well, the first thing ya know ol=92 Jed=92s an Engineer.
The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from here".
They said, "Arizona is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and he moved to Ahwatukee...
Intel, that is... dry heat... no amusement parks...
On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said, "your project=92s late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we=92ll work you 52!"
OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We=92ll work him sixty-six!"
Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...
Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...
Now the moral of the story is listen to what you=92re told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you=92re old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.
Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...
Y=92all come back now... ya hear!
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Date: Tue, 2 Sep 1997 09:04:00 MST7MDT
From: Scott Collier <Colliers@STUDENT.SUU.EDU>
Subject: RED NECK ETIQUETTE part I(off to REDNECKS, but since they don't
- Redneck Driving Etiquette -
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the
deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has
the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her
to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
- Redneck Personal Hygiene -
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in
private using one's OWN truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a
small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.
Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
- Redneck Dining Out -
Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home
costs just as much as yours.
- Redneck Entertaining in Your Home -
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners
are.
If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them
alone for a few minutes.
- Redneck Dating (Outside the Family) -
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out
with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years a go."
If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or
an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
scollier@homemail.com
http:/members.tripod.com/~scollier
You don't stop playing because you grow old . . . .
You grow old because you stop playing!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Date: Tue, 2 Sep 1997 13:22:35 -0400
From: Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: The Days of Old <one possibly offensive word>
You know you are no longer a kid when...
Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it anymore.
Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
The average ten-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.
Being bad is no longer cool.
You have friends who have kids.
Saturday mornings are for sleeping.
You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.
Your parents' jokes are now funny.
You have once said, "Whatch-you talkin' 'bout Willis?"
You have owned, and since disowned Michael Jackson's Thriller.
Christmas starts to piss you off.
You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, 'cause mom is not there
to do your laundry anymore.
Two words: parachute pants.
Naps are good.
Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting.
You have onced deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever".
When you know that the machines in gas station bathrooms don't dispense
balloons.
When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
Playboy's Playmate of the month is younger than you.
The only thing in your cereal box is...cereal.
You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.
Your idea of fun parties now include Chips 'n' Salsa and Snapple.
You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.
You WANT clothes for Christmas.
You don't want a Camaro becuase of the insurance premiums.
You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
You've bought an album on vinyl.
You remember seeing Star Wars when it first came out.
You read the "if you were born on this day in 1976 you are of legal age
to buy alcohol" sign at the liquor store and recall attending a high school
dance on that date.
You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store,
wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then
realize it is a shot of you from behind.
from J. Morrill
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Date: Tue, 2 Sep 1997 12:46:31 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - A George Carlin One-Liner
Bless This House
Speaking of home sweet home, from comic George Carlin comes an
alternative saying to embroider on a sampler: "May the forces of evil
become confused on the way to your house."
Source: Houston Chronicle
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Date: Tue, 2 Sep 1997 15:52:10 EST
From: Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Barbs and other humorous observations
Yard sales are like men. You have to go through a whole lot of bad
ones to find a good one.
There are three stages in life: Youth, middle age, and you're looking
good.
I used to know a lot of blondes but they all dyed.
Refied beans: I don't want anything they can't get right the first
time.
Always remember you are unique, you like everyone else.
I'm a waitress and I just want to know why, when I ask people if they
want something to drink, they say, "No, I'll just have water."
Sign posted at the local community center: Datsun puppies for sale.
Is there some kind of special gene in some people that compels them
to park their cars in their front lawn?
Bumper sticker: Sex instructor. First lesson free.
If the Post Office had done the jog it was created to do, there would
be no UPS.
I just saw that Nike commercial ("It's OK to be fast."), and I think
my dad qualifies. He works for the telephone company, gets off at 5,
and he's home very day at 4:30.
To all you guys complaining about your spouses: Just remember who
made the selection.
I spilled coffee on my keyboard this morning and the "Undo" button
did not fix it.
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Date: Wed, 3 Sep 1997 09:08:09 +0800
From: Dr Michael Robertshaw <MROBERT@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: <HUMOR> Internet banking
"Finally, the European Union Bank (EUB), which billed itself as the
world's
first full-service Internet bank where no questions were asked,
anonymity
guaranteed and no transaction was traceable has lived up to its claims
by
disappearing and taking its depositors' funds with it." (Washington
Post)
Mike R
(Look! no attachment this time :)
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Date: Mon, 1 Sep 1997 18:01:00 -0600
From: Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Forrest Gump
From: kheebner@juno.com
The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met
at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed,
however,and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.
Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have
heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up
fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone.
The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into
Heaven."
Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking
forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore
hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest. But, the test I have for you
is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin
with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year?
Third, what is God's first name?"
Forest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day
and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions. Saint
Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think
the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forest says, "Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with
the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow!"
The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forest! That's not what I
was thinking, but...you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't
specify, so I give you credit for that answer."
"How about the next one" says Saint Peter, "how many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forest. "But, I thunk and thunk about
that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, Saint Peter
says, "Twelve! Twelve!
Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a
year?"
Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February
second, March second....." "Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see
where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that
wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one too."
"Let's go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can
you tell me God's first name?" Forest says, "Well shore, I know God's
first name. Everbody probly knows it. It's Howard."
"Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's 'Howard'?"
Forest answers, "It's in the prayer."
"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"
"The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father, who art in heaven,
Howard be thy name...."
-=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com
---
. SPEED 2.00 #1157 . Cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.
----
The Lunatic Fringe * Richardson, TX * 972-235-5288
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Date: Wed, 3 Sep 1997 09:28:10 -0400
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Surd Times : Underground <clean>
Once again our Santa Singh won. The story goes like this...
Santa went to US & had a meeting with Bill Clinton.
Bill: I want to show you the US advancement. Come with me.
He takes him to a forest
Bill: Dig the ground.
Santa did it.
Bill: more..more..more...
Santa went upto 100 feet
Bill: So now , try to search something.
Santa: I got a wire.
Bill : you know, it shows that even 100 years ago we used to
have telephones.
Santa became frustrated. He invited Bill to India. Next year Bill
was in India
Santa : I want to show you our advancement. The same, he takes Bill
to a forest.
Santa : Dig it .
Bill does.
Santa : more ..more ..more ..........
Bill goes upto almost 400 feet..
Santa : try to find something.
Bill tries.
Santa : Did you get anything ?
Bill : No, there is nothing here.
Santa : you know, it shows that even 400 years ago we used
to have WIRELESS.
Chalapathi (*^_^*)
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Date: Tue, 2 Sep 1997 21:43:53 -0700
From: Keith E. Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Tip for the Day
TIP FOR THE DAY
If you're lonely and want to talk to someone, instead of paying three
dollars a minute to call a 900 number, try a 901 number. There are
probably lots of people in Western Tennessee who wouldn't mind talking
to you.
Rich Hall, Selp-Help for the Bleak, Copyright 1994
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