Digest for Wednesday, September 03, 1997
There are 16 messages totalling 783 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Off the Wire
- Husbands
- bumper snickers
- Confucius Say
- A Perfect story
- FW: marital bliss?
- Memo (offensive language)
- RED NECK ETIQUETTE (part II) Offensive to Rednecks
- HUMOR - Flying in the hot seat
- Humor - Latest Scoop
- Occupational Status Ranking in Historical Perspective
- Di Joke (Joke about Lady Di, very insensitive)
- More barbs & others short forms of humor
- cybersex (offensive to cybersex losers)
- Learning About Love From Songwriters
- Equal Opportunities
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Date: Mon, 1 Sep 1997 17:09:40 -0700
From: Keith E. Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Off the Wire
OFF THE WIRE
News We Just Couldn't Pass Up
Untied: Declaring the necktie detrimental to the welfare of South Padre
Island, a small resort island in the Gulf of Mexico, the town has made
it illegal to wear ties. First-time offenders will get a written
warning. Second-time offenders will be fine the amount of a "fine silk
tie," and the offending neckwear will be confiscated and destroyed.
A stinker: A New Zealander has developed a spray, called Skunk Shot,
that smells so bad it scares off offensive dogs.
Beer overboard: A Chinese cargo ship that capsized off western Hong
Kong hurled nearly half-a-million cans of beer into the ocean. All 10
crew members were saved.
Yes, he has no bananas: The winner of Estonia's first-ever
banana-eating contest wolfed down 10 bananas in three minutes. To save
time, he didn't peel them.
Boar-ing: Like his namesake with the Chicago Bulls, Jordon is a
superstar with a big price tag. He's no bull though. He's a boar stud
-- purchased for a record $53,000 in Chrisman, Ill.
Playing it safe: A firm in India has launched a group-insurance plan
for elephants that includes $700 for cremation expenses.
Keeping it in the family: A Hong Kong widow kept the body of her dead
husband in their apartment for three years and often slept near the
corpse to keep it company. She used threat of suicide to keep her four
children sharing the apartment from reporting the case.
Turtle saved: Huffy the turtle received a big greeting on her safe
return to Topsail Island, N.C. She nearly died of injuries before she
was rescued last August and sent to Sea World in Florida to recuperate.
She was welcomed back by more than 100 turtle lovers as she and two
other loggerheads arrive for the christening of a sea-turtle rescue and
rehabilitation center. All three had been hurt by boat propellers.
Onion war: It's the kind of lobbying that could make a lawmaker cry.
Enraged by the government's refusal to subsidize onion prices, growers
in western India are offering prize money to anyone who can knock a
government minister our cold with an onion.
Call forwarding: A teenager who ran an escort service from school in
Enschede, Netherlands, was expelled for using his phone in class, not
for the nature of the calls.
One giant step for mankind: Within a month, New Zealand will introduce
a major innovation to the beer industry -- glowing beer tap handles.
Until now, it has not been possible to light beer handles because of the
danger of running electric wires close to liquid.
Brave rooster: Mr. Chicken died with his artificial legs on, defending
his hens to the end. Veterinarian Tim England said his plucky rooster
was mauled to death, probably by a raccoon, as he tried to protect the
chickens which shared his pen in Jackson, Mich. Mr. Chicken was rescued
last December, his feet frozen beyond repair. England had a physical
therapist make Mr. Chicken a new pair of legs.
Compiled by Neena Pellegrini, The Seattle Times, Saturday, June 28, 1997
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Date: Wed, 3 Sep 1997 03:58:31 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Husbands <adult humor>
* "Of course I'm not losing interest in our lovemaking dearest."
said the husband to his wife. "I'm simply making love slowly so
the ashes don't fall off my cigarette onto the sheets."
- - - - -
* "And will there be anything else, sir ?" the bellboy asked after
setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No thank you." the gentleman replied. "That will be all."
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin
negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked.
"Yeah ! That's a good idea." the fellow said. "Please bring
up a postcard."
- - - - -
* Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the besotted
husband collapsed in a chair and let out a stentorian belch.
"That's it George ! I've had it this time. " his wife screamed.
"I'm cutting you off forever."
"That's impossible," he replied, "you don't even know where I'm
getting it."
- - - - -
* The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she
collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help." she said.
The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help."
A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to
line up his shot on the green.
His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I'm may be
dying and you're putting ?"
"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said
he come and help."
"The second hole ??? When in the hell is he coming ???"
"Hey ! I told ya not to worry." he said, practice stroking his
putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy humor ? Visit me @
(joke page) http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html
(postings) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date: Wed, 3 Sep 1997 06:55:57 -0400
From: Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: bumper snickers <inoff.>
HUG A LOGGER--you'll never go back to trees
Driver carries no cash. He's married
Work is for people who don't know how to fish
If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
SUPPORT BINGO--keep Grandma off the streets
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Date: Wed, 3 Sep 1997 08:17:17 -0400
From: Eric Marshall Mentz <mentze@GWIS2.CIRC.GWU.EDU>
Subject: Confucius Say <offensive language, racial stereotype, adult humor>
This message is in MIME format. The first part should be readable text,
while the remaining parts are likely unreadable without MIME-aware tools.
Send mail to mime@docserver.cac.washington.edu for more info.
------ =_NextPart_000_01BCB83E.243ECD70
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Confucius say:
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better
for boy to park meat in girl!
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.
Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.
from G. Meurer
------ =_NextPart_000_01BCB83E.243ECD70--
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Date: Wed, 3 Sep 1997 08:20:49 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A Perfect story
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of
course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a
winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being
the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a
huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of
Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their
vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately,
the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa
Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor? (scroll down for the answer)
The perfect woman.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a
perfect man.
===================================
* A Male's Response * (Page Down )
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must
have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 3 Sep 1997 08:38:42 -0400
From: David Burns <burnsd@GISCO.NET>
Subject: FW: marital bliss?
A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their
car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears
that they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in this
town has only one room available so they have a minor problem.
PRIEST: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the
circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room.
I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.
SISTER: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.
Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm terribly cold.
PRIEST: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.
Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
PRIEST: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.
Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would
mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
PRIEST: You're probably right.....
Get up and get your own damned blanket !!
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Date: Wed, 3 Sep 1997 08:59:04 -0400
From: Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Memo (offensive language)
Memo To All Employees
-------------------------------
It has been brought to the management's attention that some individuals have
been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between
employees. Due to complaints from some of the more-easily offended workers,
this conduct will no longer be tolerated.
This management does, however, realize the importance of each person being
able to properly express his/her feelings when communicating with fellow
employees. Therefore, the management has compiled the following coded list.
It is imperative that all employees understand and memorize these coded
phrases so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.
NEW PHRASE OLD PHRASE
----------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
I'm not certain that's feasible. No fucking way.
Really? You've gotta be shitting me!
Perhaps you should check with... Tell someone who gives a fuck.
Of course I'm concerned. Ask me if I give a fuck.
I wasn't involved with that project. It's not my fucking problem.
Interesting behavior. What the fuck...!!!
I'm not sure I can implement this. Fuck it; it won't work.
I'll try to schedule that. Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?
Perhaps I can work late. When the fuck did you expect me to do
that?
Are you sure it's a problem? Who the fuck cares?
He's not familiar with the problem. He's got his head up his ass.
You don't say. Eat shit.
Excuse me? Eat shit and die.
Excuse me, Sir? Eat shit and die motherfucker.
They weren't happy with it? What the fuck do they want from my life?
So you'd like my help with that. Kiss my ass.
I'm a bit overload at the moment. Fuck it; I'm on salary.
I don't think you understand. Shove it up your ass.
I love a challenge. This job sucks.
You want me to take care of this? Who the hell died and made you boss?
I see. Blow me.
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Date: Wed, 3 Sep 1997 09:08:32 MST7MDT
From: Scott Collier <Colliers@STUDENT.SUU.EDU>
Subject: RED NECK ETIQUETTE (part II) Offensive to Rednecks
But since none of them have a computer. . .
- Redneck Theater Etiquette -
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the
movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't
hear you.
- Redneck Wedding Etiquette -
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven
fly deterrent.
For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean
bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to
socks and shoes for this special occasion.
- Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions -
Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky
to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other
people are around.
Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
Scott Collier
scollier@homemail.com
http://members.tripod.com/~scollier
Never loan money to a guy named Waldo!
**********************************
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Date: Wed, 3 Sep 1997 13:08:20 +0000
From: Sarah W. Soderlund <sarahsod@RIVNET.NET>
Subject: HUMOR - Flying in the hot seat
A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to
cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.
The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire
fighters as they battled the blaze.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so
thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him
to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission
to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was
approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a
nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at
the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in
with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!'' The pilot swung the little
plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The
photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low
passes so I can take some pictures."
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded,
"and photographers take photographs."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean
you're not the flight instructor?"
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Date: Wed, 3 Sep 1997 12:44:00 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Latest Scoop
Here's Latest Scoop From The Litter Box
Actually there is no scoop withMeyerland inventor's new liner
By NELSON ANTOSH
Copyright 1997 Houston Chronicle
Invent a better way to deal with kitty's litter box and cat owners will
turn it into a growing business.
That's the plan for Marcee Lundeen, a Meyerland-area mother, inventor,
lawyer and entrepreneur who is marketing what she says is a better way to
recycle cat litter.
Lundeen's patented liner for cat litter boxes is different in a couple of
ways from other liners on the market.
Her liners are made of thin plastic with a section in the middle made of
flexible netting. You lift the corners and the unused litter pours back
into the box.
The clumps of cat waste that were strained out are thrown away along with
the liner. There is no scooping.
The unused litter is used over and over. A little is added from time to
time to replace the litter lost with the "clumps."
Her "casettes" envelop the entire box so there are several layers of
unused liners underneath the litter. Having the edges attached keeps the
cat from pawing the liner into the box. These layers are torn from the
perforated edge and used one at a time, she says. liners are manufactured
in China.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He: I've got a new idea. Fortune in it.
She: What now?
He: It's an alarm clock that emits the delicious odors of frying bacon and
fragrant coffe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Wed, 3 Sep 1997 14:19:13 -0400
From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Occupational Status Ranking in Historical Perspective
September 1997
HISTORICAL HUMOR
submitted by Jim Mica
The by-laws of our little electronic community say that we give
primary emphasis to new humor. Since there are really only five
(or is it seven or 60?) jokes in the whole world, I often find
myself wondering just what our commitment to "new humor" can mean
in practice. So where are all the Princess Die jokes?
A while back we helped to move my mother-in-law to a retirement
community. Among the cast-offs was a book first printed in 1942.
It's called "The Pocket Book of War Humor" and was edited by the
great Bennett A. Cerf. On page 186 of the book I found the
following joke. Note the similarity to jokes recently seen on
HUMOR. Social scientists may also be interested in the way this
joke has evolved with the changing status ranking of occupations.
Also, note that this dates from the early 40s, prior to the "Cold
War."
-------------------
A group of Allied officers sat fraternizing in a London bar.
The American had been a lawyer before the war, the Englishman a
doctor, the Brazilian an architect, and the Russian a mainstay of
the Communist Party Organization. An argument arose as to which
of their professions had been established first in the world.
"It must have been a lawyer," said the American. "Man would
never have survived the first days of creation if he hadn't had a
few laws to govern him."
"Laws!" scoffed the Englishman, "Cain and Abel wouldn't have
been born if there hadn't been a doctor around!"
"You're both wrong" said the Brazilian architect. "Before even
Adam and Ever there had to be an architect around to bring some
order out of chaos."
"Aha, Gentlemen," chortled the Russian Communist in triumph,
"and who do you think created the chaos?!"
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Date: Wed, 3 Sep 1997 16:25:37 -0400
From: Ralph Welsch-Lehmann <Ralph_Welsch-Lehmann@DBNA.COM>
Subject: Di Joke (Joke about Lady Di, very insensitive)
Q: What was the last thing Di kissed?
A: The radiator.
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Date: Wed, 3 Sep 1997 20:49:51 EST
From: Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: More barbs & others short forms of humor
Sure, we could start making fun of Alabama, but where's the
challenge?
Y'all don't pick on University of Alabama. I heard there was a storm
over in Tuscaloosa and it blew the President's Mansion right off its
wheels.
I told my wife the neighbor lady said she was too old to be cutting
the grass. I haven't had to touch the lawn mower all summer.
On behalf of everybody who ever did anything remotely bad to anybody,
anytime, anywhere: I'M SORRY! Now, can we get back to some important
stuff.
Money is the mother's milk of politics.
Is it a state or county requirement that all garbage trucks have
squeaky brakes.
Given your precious 16-year-old a load gun or a great little sports
car. Theresults are often the same.
It's a good thing Elvis died when he did, because if he were alive
today, he would be a host on the Psychic Friends Network.
Why isn't palindrome spelled the same backwards and forwards.
Definition of maturity: Realizing that your pleasure is not worth
someone elses pain.
I am not lazy, I'm just motivationally challenged.
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Date: Wed, 3 Sep 1997 18:40:57 -0800
From: Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: cybersex (offensive to cybersex losers)
Cybersex
Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as
"cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared
through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see
below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an
online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex.
Then again, maybe he does...
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels.
I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements
are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a
pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also
wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from
dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the
stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking
up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your
crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk
slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling
and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a
hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft
breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck.
Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back
undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air
caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting
the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your
tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know,
breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm
nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and
phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of
my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a
plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your
hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over,
in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling
through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your
cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet.
And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm
lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so
badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked
bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the
glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room
and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for
the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but
I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper.
Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly
feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in
your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your
neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand
it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on
my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy.
I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my
underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table.
I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray,
picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of
our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm
pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart: <logged off>
<The End>
Steven
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Date: Wed, 3 Sep 1997 20:49:39 -0700
From: Keith E. Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Learning About Love From Songwriters
LEARNING ABOUT LOVE FROM SONGWRITERS
We can learn a lot about love from songwriters. They are experts on
heartbreak, and, in fact, have heartbreak "quotas."
Take a look at any current singer/songwriter. John Mellencamp, Don
Henley, Roseanne Cash, Bonnie Raitt, to name a few. On any given album
there's an average of four songs that are about getting your heart
stomped on.
If the recording artist releases one album per year, that's 4 stomped
hearts from 4 different love affairs -- roughly one stomp every 3
months. These songwriters are professionals. They're paid to be in
touch with their emotions, so it's pretty safe to say a good healthy
life span for a relationship is 3 months. (Figure 2 months if you live
in a rural area, since country/western albums average 6 stomped-heart
songs per album.) Anything after that is gravy.
Rich Hall, Self-Help for the Bleak, Copyright 1994
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Date: Thu, 4 Sep 1997 11:28:09 -0400
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Equal Opportunities <clean>
This must have been posted.But I seem to enjoy it whenever it
makes the rounds...:-)
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the
window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must
be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal
Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and
went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then
walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office
manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However,
the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the
dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said,
"I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a
perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and
gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned,
but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a
computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to
enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first
time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog
and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some
interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The
dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the
sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be
bilingual".
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow."
chalapathi :O)
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