Digest for Thursday, September 04, 1997
There are 15 messages totalling 743 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Top Ten juror excuses
- Customer Service
- Dint drink and squeeze
- Rules of Golf
- clergy
- Agriculture
- Various jokes with an Indian flavour - Part 1 of 2
- Barney Update (may offend "EDUCATORS")
- More barbs (including a few Princess Di items)
-
- Microsoft Furniture
- Dr. Verne (Some Cuss Words)
- Joke-Clean: Why did the chicken crossed the road?
- Doggie Habits
- gardening (Slightly Sexual)
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Date: Wed, 3 Sep 1997 23:38:33 -0700
From: Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Top Ten juror excuses
Thanks to Dave Moody (davm@pobox.com)
>From the San Fernando Daily News August 25, 1997
Top 10 List of Juror Excuses
1. I am so beautiful, I am certain I will be ravished if I come
downtown.
2. I am the sole individual in a two-man organization.
3. I have poor eyesight.
4. My dog Barney has diabetes and an eye infection.
5. Please excuse my uncle because he was dead.
6. Little speaking, hear small.
7. I am my sole source of financial self.
8. It's against my belief system to sit in judgment of another person.
9. My cat has diabetes.
10. I'm being followed by Martians.
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Date: Thu, 4 Sep 1997 04:00:44 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Customer Service
* Mrs JimJr and I wanted to go someplace different for a vacation
and asked the travel agent what he recommended.
"I'm sorry sir." he said. "But all of the offbeat chic little
remote out-of-the-way destinations are booked solid."
- - - - -
* I took my poor lil' Mazda into the dealer for a check-up. After
waiting about an hour an so, the service manager finally came out
and said, "Mr. Moore, let me put it this way -- if your car were
a horse, I'd have to shoot it."
- - - - -
* Anyone who has ever traveled in the remote regions of Mexico knows
their train schedules are legendary. I remember one time on a trip
my interpreter and the Mexican conductor got into a heated debate.
"What's this all about ?" I asked.
"Oh Senor, not to worry." replied the man, "But he sez this is
yesterday's train and that our tickets are for today's train which
isn't due until tomorrow."
- - - - -
* I rushed up to the American Airlines ticket counter at BWI Airport
and told the agent that I had to get to Texas in the worst way.
He didn't even look up, pointed and said, "Then you'd want the
Southern Air counter over there sir."
- - - - -
* Being on a low-fat diet, I generally just have toast or something
light for breakfast. Normally I'll order whole wheat or whatever to
avoid eating white bread.
Away at a convention for a week, I'd order my toast and each time
the waitress would serve me regular toasted white bread.
Figuring I was beaten, on the last day of my stay at the hotel,
I just ordered "Toast."
She looked at me oddly and said, "That's funny. Aren't you the
party who orders whole wheat every morning ?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy humor ? Visit me @
(joke page) http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html
(postings) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date: Thu, 4 Sep 1997 12:08:43 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Din't drink and squeeze <insensitive to animals>
At a cocktail party, a man gets totally plastered, goes up to
the host and says "Excuse me, but do lemons have feathers?", in a
slurred voice. "I beg your pardon?" says the host.The drunk asks
again: "Do lemons have feathers?", as he struggles to hold his
balance. A rather bemused host says "No I don't think so".
The drunk looks sheepish then says: "Oopsie". "What?", asks the host.
And the drunk: "I think I've just squeezed your canary into my drink".
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Date: Thu, 4 Sep 1997 09:03:55 -0400
From: Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Rules of Golf
THE RULES OF GOLF -- for good players whose scores would reflect their true
ability if only they got an even break once in a while.
1. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in the
fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough.
Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face
of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player should not be penalized
for erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable
mechanical phenomena.
2. A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed to not have hit the tree. Hitting a
tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player
should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit
the tree and play the ball from there, preferably from atop a nice, firm tuft
of grass.
3. There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or
near the course somewhere and eventually will be found and pocketed by
someone else. It thus becomes a stolen ball and the player should not
compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty stroke.
4. In or near a bunker or sand trap, a ball rolling back toward the player
may be hit again on the roll without counting any extra strokes. In any case,
no more than two strokes are to be counted in playing from a bunker, since it
is reasonable to assume that if the player had time to concentrate on his
shot, instead of hurrying it so as not to delay his playing partners, he
would be out in two.
5. If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it shall be deemed to
have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain
a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The
law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.
6. Same thing applies for a ball that stops at the brink of the hole and
hangs there, defying gravity. You cannot defy the law.
7. Same thing for a ball that rims the cup. A ball should not go sideways.
This violates the laws of physics.
8. A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as "You
could blow it in!", may be actually blown in. This rule does not apply if the
ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a
travesty of the game.
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Date: Thu, 4 Sep 1997 09:27:20 -0400
From: Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: clergy <inoff>
The banquet was about to begin when the master of ceremonies was informed
that the clergyman invited to give the blessing was unable to attend. He
asked the main speaker if he would oblige, and the man agreed. He began,
"There being no clergyman present, let us thank God."
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Date: Thu, 4 Sep 1997 10:07:38 -0400
From: Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Agriculture
Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.
Dear Sir;
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for
$1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into
the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of
farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to
raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with
all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but
if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not
raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an
accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business.
He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever
made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check
for $1000 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not
raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding
myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000
the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000
bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising
corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and
corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me
any information you have on that too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally
unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours,
P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free
cheese.
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Date: Thu, 4 Sep 1997 10:18:22 -0400
From: Narasimhan, Seshadri <NarasimhanS@BERNSTEIN.COM>
Subject: Various jokes with an Indian flavour - Part 1 of 2
Taken (and adapted) from the Times Of India
(http://www.timesofindia.com) dated 31st August 1997
Q: What does a Computer Age Casanova do?
A: Enter and Escape.
- by Dilip Raote, New Delhi
Two boys were being disorderly in class. So the teacher asked them to
stay after school hours and write their names 500 times.
After five minutes of writing, one of the boys burst into tears and
said, ``It isn't fair, his name is Ram and my name is Ventakeshwaran''.
- by Dilip Jose Jabalpur
A man went to see a doctor and after being prescribed some medicines,
he asked nervously, ``Doctor, will it have any reaction.'' The doctor
replied, ``You are talking of reaction, it will have no action.''
Maid: Oh, Madam, I'm very sorry, the twins have fallen down the well.
Mother: Oh dear! Just rush to the library and get me Modern Mother's
Magazine. It contains an article on how to bring up children.
"I fear that the man I gave job to is dishonest".
"But you shouldn't judge by appearance"!
"I'm not. I'm judging by disappearance in this case".
A men was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and
joined the army. ``But, wait a minute,'' said the listener, ``She'll
have to dress with the boys and shower with them too.Won't she?''
``Sure,'' said the man.
``Well, won't they find out?''
The man shrugged. ``But who'll tell?''
- by R.Lakshmi, Calcutta
Rashmi: Do you know how to make a little money go a long, long way?
Meeta: No. Tell me how?
Rashmi: Simple, mail a rupee to Australia.
- by Neelam Vaney, New Delhi
Ram: I read so much about the ill effects of smoking that I gave up.
Shyam: Good that you gave up smoking.
Ram: Don't be silly. I gave up reading.
- by V.V.S.Mani, Mumbai
Banker: A person who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and
wants it back the minute it rains.
Pessimist: Someone who can look at the land of milk and honey and see
only calories and cholesterol.
- by P.C.Shreeram, Mysore
Q: What is the new name of Tyson?
A: It's Bite-son.
- by P.C.Shreeram, Mysore
A arrogant old man named Seshan,
Ever on the look out to create a sensation.
Claimed all politicians were his dost,
As he contested for the President's post.
- by Manmeet Singh, Hubli
Q: The man who remains always sad?
A: Pankaj-Udas.
- by Navin Aggarwal, Hodal
If two people on the same job agree all the time, then one is useless.
If they disagree all the time, then both are useless.
Teacher: Children who watch TV every night will go down in History, as
well as Maths, Geography and Science.
- by Arun Adlakha, Karnal
Laloo's prayer before he surrendered:
Twinkle, twinkle my star,
Before I go behind the bar.
I hate words like -- Oh, alas!
Get me rid of this Biswas.
- by Minhaj, New Delhi
Notes (not in any particular order):
1) T. N. Seshan is the ex-Chief Election Commissioner, the terror and
scourge of corrupt politicians, who cleaned-up the rigged election
system that Indian democracy was (still is?), and later tried to run for
President (and lost).
2) Pankaj-Udas (actually spelt Udhas) is a singer of mostly melancholic
songs (sounds like country & westers?). His last name, Udhas, is a pun
on a Hindi word meaning 'sad'.
3) Laloo is Laloo Prasad Yadav, the embattled Chief Minister of Bihar,
one of the most corrupt states in the country. He is in 'custody' having
been accused of embezzling funds from the treasury. He made his
illeterate wife the chief minister in his stead and currently rules
Bihar by proxy. Mr. Biswas is the person in charge of the investigation
into the embezzlement.
* Sai
X5098
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Date: Thu, 4 Sep 1997 10:53:27 -0400
From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Barney Update (may offend "EDUCATORS")
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=00=00=00=0E=FF=00=00=00=00Warning: Barney's Back and this time with=
a Brainby Jim MicaLook out "Tickle Me Elmo," there's a new Barney ou=
t and he's one to be reckoned with! Instead of being stuffed with so=
me kind of hypo-allergenic filling, he comes with a 257K memory. Goo=
d grief! That's 4 times as much memory as my original Commodore 64 h=
ad.Stephen Manes wrote up the story in last week's SCIENCE TIMES (Aug=
ust 26th). This new Barney "watches" television with you. For now i=
t picks up signals from special video tapes or CD-ROMs, but "...PBS b=
roadcasts of "Barney and Friends" are expected to include the codes t=
hat animate the doll beginning in November, but your child may wonder=
why Barney remains mute when they watch "The McLaughlin Group" toget=
her." Just why you would subj
ect your child to that particular group isn't discussed.Writes Manes:=
"Hearing your own private Barney comment on the antics of the public=
Barney on the screen takes television to a new level of self-referen=
tiality unlikely to be topped until you can buy home "Mystery Science=
Theater 3000" characters that comment on the commentary on "Mystery =
Science Theater 3000"."I suppose that this new Barney development cou=
ld have been predicted. Barney is the creation of a pair of "educato=
rs" who design each and every bit of his behavior to elicit appropria=
te pschyo-emotional-motor-development states from the urchins with wh=
om he interacts. Now, these are "educators," they probably can't eve=
n stand kids! So, why bother with having these uncontrolled ragamuff=
ins hanging around their perfectly designed avatar of good behavior a=
nd then having all of these messy interactions observed by kids when =
you can go to kid-machine interactions and eliminate some extraneous =
variables from your calculations?Manes concludes th
at this new Barney automaton is "a lot cuter than his on-screen names=
ake and somewhat less mechanical." Moreover, you can shut this Barne=
y down by "squeezing a hand and a foot simultaneously." Of course, y=
ou can also just yank out them batteries.=02u=00=00=00
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Barney.txt=12talkng Barney doll=08Jim Mica=00=00=08Jim Mica=00=00=
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Date: Thu, 4 Sep 1997 14:09:43 EST
From: Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: More barbs (including a few Princess Di items)
I know the British royals are very, very proper, and they do
everything in the very best of taste. So, do you think Charles will
be taking his mistress to Diana's funeral?
I wonder how long it will be before the royal boys will have a
stempother named Camilla.
Goobye, Diana, Hello, greed.
The paparazzi chased Diana all through Paris and caused an accident
that resulted in her death. They wanted spectacular pictures. Diana
wanted to be free of them. Well, both got their wish.
What are the chances American will pay their respects to Princess
Diana by not buying those trashy tabloids?
Paparazzi have killed their golden goose, our golden. girl. And
what's more, they have pictures to prove it.
Watching the performance of our main stream media's massive coverage
of Diana accidental death inspires me with confidence in journalism,
especialy photojournalism.
Listening to the talking heads criticizing the pararazzi reminds me
of the saying, "Beware of pot calling the kettle black."
I know it was sick for those photojournalists to take pictures of the
injured Di, but don't you want to see 'em?
This year I retire after 30 years of teaching. People ask me what I'm
going to do with myself, and I tell them that for thr rest of my life
I'm going to avoid teenagers.
My wife drove me to drink and that is the only thing I'm grateful
for.
Being honest is doing the right thing when nobody is looking.
Bumper sticker: Men are animals. But some of them make good pets.
If, in every life, a little rain must fall, I should've built an ark.
My boss fired me after he spied on my office e-mail. Now I'm at home
on my own computer and I can insult that pig with impunity.
In the blank on the form that calls for race, I truthfully wrote in
"rat."
I knew I was in for trouble when I learned my new boss' favorite
cartoon character was Mr. Dithers.
My boss prefaces about 80% of her statements with "to be perfectly
honest". Does that mean that 20% of what she says is dishonest?
We do not have an alcohol problem at our house. We've got at least 10
bottles of everything.
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything
specifically.
Does the lemon law apply to Russian spacecratf?
The perfect wife is the one someone else is married to.
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Date: Thu, 4 Sep 1997 16:35:32 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>
Pig-riding buckaroos ham it up in Japan
MIKAME, Japan (CNN) -- Rodeo riders in the United States mount up on
bucking broncos and large, surly brahma bulls. But the Japanese town of
Mikame has been a major pig-farming area for many years. So when they have
a rodeo in the Japanese wild west, the buckaroos ride bucking porcines.
Thirty men and 30 women mounted up for this summer's porcine party --
taking turns on 10 lively pigs. The object is to try to stay atop the pigs
the longest.
While the noise hardly seemed like squeals of delight, organizers claim
the rodeo does not harm the animals, and the pigs are not destined for the
dinner table after a run in the ring.
Mikame has been hosting the rodeo as part of its summer festival for 11
years. The rodeo gets bigger each year, and the only thing noisier than the
pigs is the fireworks show that starts as the riders and their steeds trot
home for some well-deserved rest.
Have you ever had a piggy-back ride? Maybe, but not quite like this!
(reuters)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This story reminded me of when I was about 12 years old, I and some friends
would sneak into a remote feed-lot when nobody was around and ride the
pigs.
Until now, I've always been ashamed to admit it. Bet there are others out
there who have done it. If so, I would like to hear from you. - Ken
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He: I've got a pet pig - - I call him Scripto.
She: Is that his real name?
He: No, that's his pen name.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Thu, 4 Sep 1997 14:38:30 -0700
From: Michael J. Irvin <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Microsoft Furniture
Microsoft Furniture
August 7, 1997 (Seattle) -- Microsoft announced today that it will provide
office furniture with its software. The next release of windows, code named
Naugahyde, will include the Microsoft Chair at no extra charge. "This is a
natural for us," a Microsoft spokesperson said. "We've conquered the
desktop, so we're looking at way of expanding our installed base."
The spokesperson denied accusations that bundling constitutes an unfair
competitive advantage. "We're just listening to our customers. They've asked
for more built in features, and who doesn't use a chair when they're at
their computer? Especially when they're waiting for Windows to reboot."
Beta testers noted its large footprint and found the chair to lack
substantial features found in most of the competition. But when asked if
they dislike it enough to purchase another vendor's furniture, most stated
that they would just take what Microsoft had to offer.
Also in the works is a small seat, dubbed the Microsoft Stool, soon to be
bundled with laptops. Beta testers were surprised to find the backless chair
at their doorsteps. "Then again, it's not the first time we've received a
shrink-wrapped stool sample from Microsoft," noted one breathless customer.
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Date: Thu, 4 Sep 1997 19:07:29 -0700
From: Keith E. Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Dr. Verne (Some Cuss Words)
DR. VERNE'S WHITE TRASH ETIQUETTE
Dear Dr. Verne:
I'm 16 and I got a problem. It's my old man. I mean, he's cool enough,
was a grunt in 'Nam, hauls stuff in his F150 and rolls his own ammo for
his .44 mag.
The trouble is his job. He's a registered nurse. I got in so many
fights about it in school I got expelled. I keep begging him to get a
manly job, like loading trucks at the co-op or faking a back injury in a
fight with a psych patient and go on disability. But he just tells me
to shut up and be glad he can afford my Ritalin and a good bass boat.
How can I deal with this, Doc?
Ike in Otley
Dear Ike:
Obviously yous dad raised you to respect important stuff, like ammo and
bass boats, so he ain't all bad. At least you wasn't raised in West Des
Moines, otherwise you'd be wearin' purple Dockers, ridin' around in them
cute little Jeeps playin' that goddamned rap music, and gettin' your ass
kicked by guys named Skippy with Charlotte Hornets hats turned
backwards. So be thankful. If the old man keeps registered nursin',
sooner or later he's bound to go dainty and buy a foreign car with a
four-banger that can't pull no boat. He's gonna forget how to cuss. As
his sissy disease gets worse, he's gonna hyphenate his last name like
them yuppie ladies and try to order pussy low-fat %$#@ at KFC.
What you gotta do is appeal to the old man's heart. Let him know you
care too much to see him go sissified, that if he don't quit that damn
registered nursin' God will send him to the dainty part of Hell, where
the bars only serve Coors and they don't got big screen.
If he still don't listen, disown him. That sissy disease is contagious,
boy. And if you don't want to end up like your old man, gettin work as
a hairdresser or a lawyer, you best be listenin' to Ol' Verne.
V
Dr. Verne <bpc@mail.commonlink.com>
Dr. Verne Published in CityView, August 27, 1997, Des Moines, IA
--
Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List
To subscribe or unsubscribe, write maiser@mail.otherwhen.com
and put "SUBSCRIBE McHawList" or "UNSUBSCRIBE McHawList" in the
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Date: Thu, 4 Sep 1997 19:18:32 -0700
From: Mark Panitz <az483@LAFN.ORG>
Subject: Joke-Clean: Why did the chicken crossed the road?
Why did the chicken crossed the road?
Answer: the light was Green!
--
As Per US Code, Title 47, Chapter 5,Subchapter II 227
Unsolicited [JUNK MAIL] commercial advertising is NOT Welcome here
Mark Panitz
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Date: Fri, 5 Sep 1997 09:17:59 -0400
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Doggie Habits <adult>
>From Shamima,who ALWAYS throws her head back and laughs ;-))
A guy walks into a bar with a dog. As they sit down at the
counter, the bartender tells them, that no dogs are allowed.
The dog looks up and says, "I don't see any sign posted about
dogs."
To which the bartender looks at them both and exclaims
"Hey! You can talk! This is wild! I'm buying you both a beer".
They both thank him and proceed to enjoy their libation.
After awhile, the man excuses himself to go to the bathroom
and the bartender leans over the bar and asks the dog if he'll
"go over to the 7-11 across the street and ask for change from
a $20 to buy a newspaper. He tells the dog that his friend
across the street would get a kick out of it. In return, he'll buy
beers for the both of them for the rest of the day and keep the
$20 for his trouble.
The dog agrees and taking the $20 in his mouth, walks out of
the bar.
When the man comes out of the bathroom, he asks where his
dog has gone and panics when he is told the dog has gone
outside without him.
He runs outside and begins to cross the street when he
hears a sound in the alley next to the bar. When he turns into
the alley, he discovers his dog humping a French Poodle.
Shock, the man looks to his dog and says "Rex, how could
you? You've NEVER done anything like this before!"
The dog looks up at him and says "Frankly, I've never had
a $20 bill before!"
Chalapathi (*^_^*)
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Date: Thu, 4 Sep 1997 23:45:45 -0400
From: David Burns <burnsd@GISCO.NET>
Subject: gardening (Slightly Sexual)
Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable
garden,but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen.
Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes,
she went one day and inquired of him his secret. "It's really quite simple,"
the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I
expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with
embarrassment." Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and
proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily. Two weeks passed and
her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So", he asked, "Any luck
with your tomatoes?" "No", she replied excitedly... "But you should see the
size of my cucumbers!"
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