Digest for Thursday, October 02, 1997
There are 11 messages totalling 317 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Me, you and Them
- NEWS: MCI Acquired by Cyber Promotions
- Moths & TGIF (off. to moths & blonds)
- Diddling (adult)
- Marv Albert (American sportcaster) joke
- A Day Off?
- Humor: suggestive
- Red Skelton Remembered
- Tony Blairs grave problem (poss. offensive to Tony Blair fans)
- Wordology: Different Orgasms
- School Rules
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Date: Thu, 2 Oct 1997 04:26:48 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Me, you and Them
Most people aren't really clear on the differences between you and I,
and everybody else. I thought maybe if I prepared a simple chart,
it might help clear up the matter:
I'M YOU'RE THEY'RE
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Chatty Unusually Talkative A motor mouth
Reflecting A little quiet Moody and sullen
Righteously Indignant Annoyed and Insulted Fussing over nothing
Reconsidering Changing your mind Going back on their word
Neat Fussy Far too exacting
Neighborly A little nosy A gossip
A good shopper Thrifty A tightwad
Sparkling Flamboyant An insecure show off
Confident Slightly Boastful Egotistical
Handsome Good featured OK, if ya like that type
Subtle Not always clear Out of touch
Busy Behind in your work Unable to cope
A flirt A trifler An adulterer
Witty Flip Insulting
Firm Stubborn at times A Pig-Headed Fool
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date: Thu, 2 Oct 1997 10:54:28 GMT
From: Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: NEWS: MCI Acquired by Cyber Promotions
Dateline-New York:
Trading in MCI was temporarily halted today when a public announcement that
Cyber Promotions had beaten out competition from Worldcomm and British
Telecom to acquire MCI.
CP reportedly won the bidding war by offering 650 billion shares in Cyber
Promotions stock and a dozen cases of SPAM to each member of MCI's board.
Wall Street was taken completely offguard by this development although it
has been rumoured on the street that CP's president has been looking for a
means to secure sufficient communication capacity to accomodate the
corporation's present and future requirements.
The merger will see the creation of SpaMCI. CP's president, contacted at
company headquarters in Papua New Guinea, had no comment.
Cyber promotions can be contacted at it's email address:
Spamford@lawsuit.net
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Date: Thu, 2 Oct 1997 08:01:12 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Moths & TGIF (off. to moths & blonds)
Little Moths
The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together
as they gyrated to their own tattoo. The woman cocked her ear, "Quick! My
husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she
cried. The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the
bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked. "Darling, I heard
you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a
knowing smile. "Great," he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and
I'll be with you in two shakes." Before she could stop him, he was into
the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.
"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded. "I'm from the exterminator
company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the
lover replied. "But..but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the
husband. The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said,
"The little bastards!!!"
************************************************************************
TGIF
A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by
saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only). He smiled at her and replied,
"S-H-I-T" (letters only).
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again. He acknowledged
her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T." The blond was trying to be
friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as
possibly "T-G-I-F" another time. The man smiled back to her and once
again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T." The blonde finally
decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank
Goodness It's Friday, get it?" The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's
Thursday."
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Date: Thu, 2 Oct 1997 14:02:55 +0100
From: Juggy <jagannatha.rao@K5ESK.FE.BOSCH.DE>
Subject: Diddling (adult)
There was this girl who always diddled herself with a Pencil. Why?
Because she could can rub it off with an eraser and start all over
again.
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Date: Thu, 2 Oct 1997 12:04:39 EST
From: Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Marv Albert (American sportcaster) joke
I guess by now most Americans have heard about the Marv Albert trial,
and his pleading guilty to a lesser charge. And then before the sun
had set in the West NBC fired him.
Have you heard the one about what happened moments after NBC gave
Albert the pink slip?
He put it on.
(International readers: Marv Albert is most important in the
USA for announcing professional basketball games for television. In
his recent trial one witness said that the Mr. Albert liked to wear a
garter belt and women's panties while in the company of other men and
women).
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Date: Thu, 2 Oct 1997 12:33:41 -0400
From: Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: A Day Off?
So you want the day off! Let's take a look at what you are asking for:
There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year
in which you already have two days off per week, leaving 261 days available
for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up
170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on
coffee breaks which accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days
available. With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 48
days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per
year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work. We are
off 5 holidays per year, so you available working time is down to 15 days. We
generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day
available for work and I'll be darned if you're going to take that day off!
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Date: Thu, 2 Oct 1997 13:28:47 EST
From: JOHN STONE <JSTONE@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor: suggestive
A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was
so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of
Six," in spite of her objections.
One night they went to a party. The man decided that it was time to
go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouted at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted
back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
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Date: Thu, 2 Oct 1997 14:38:34 -0400
From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Red Skelton Remembered
October 1997
The world lost another wonderful clown the other week. Red
Skelton left us to take his rest. He was 84.
Skelton was best known for pantomimes, pratfalls and wacky
characters like the Mean Widdle Kid and Freddie the Freeloader.
He also used to do a pair of wisecracking seagulls called
Gertrude and Heathcliff, he'd show their wings by tucking his
hands under his armpits and flapping his elbows.
Gertrude: Say, Heathcliff, have you seen any of the new 1998 cars yet?
Heathcliff: Yup, I spotted one just the other day.
"A clown is a warrior who fights gloom." --Red Skelton
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Date: Thu, 2 Oct 1997 14:34:23 PDT
From: david jeffries <david_jeffries@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Tony Blair's grave problem (poss. offensive to Tony Blair fans)
Tony Blair was looking for a grave site. He asked about the price of one.
"Five thousand punds Sir."
"Oh, that's a bit expensive. Do you have a cheaper one?"
"Well, yes, there's one down at the bottom of the hill, without the
views. That will cost two thousand punds."
"Do you have anything cheaper?"
"Well, there is one behind the toilet block for two hundered pounds"
"I'll take it"
"But that isn't really befitting a prime minister of England."
"That's OK. I'll only be needing it for three days."
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Date: Thu, 2 Oct 1997 19:08:16 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Wordology: Different Orgasms
Here's one to increase your vocabulary:
Sex in a boat - oargasms
Sex with a nerd - dorkgasms
Sex at the entrance of your house - doorgasms
Sex on the carpet or linoleum - floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket - storegasms
Sex with wild pigs - boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie - horrorgasms
Sex with a prostitute - whoregasms
Sex with a storyteller - loregasms
Sex with an accountant - boregasms
Sex while sleeping - snoregasms
Sex with Arthur - Dudley Mooregasms
Sex with cartoon donkeys - eyoregasms
Sex while broke - poorgasms
Sex with a lion - roargasms
Sex for hours and hours on end - soregasms
Sex on a golf course - foregasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac - ready for moregasms
Sex in a gold mine - oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist - poregasms
Sex with a vice president - Al Goreasms
Sex on the beach - shoregasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet - smoregasbordgasms
Sex in Asia - Singaporegasms
Sex on the way to a train - all aboardgasms
Sex that isn't very satisfying - there's the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season - sporegasms
Sex with a cookie - oreogasms
Sex with a meat eater - carnivoregasms
Sex with a vegetarian - vegegasms
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Date: Thu, 2 Oct 1997 16:12:15 -0700
From: Roger Taranto <RTARANTO@US.ORACLE.COM>
Subject: School Rules
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students,
pointing out some of the rules. The female dormitory will be
out-of-bounds for all male students, so, too, the male dormitory
to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be
fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the
second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will
incur a hefty fine of $180. "Are there any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for
a season pass?"
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