Digest for Friday, October 03, 1997
There are 14 messages totalling 460 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Politics - American Style
- Blindness ... not a handicap
- OPTARECTOMY (off. lang.)
- Misc quotes
- Jokes women tell about men.....(mostly clean)
- The Scottish Way!!! (off. to Scots??)
- Nuclear lemon for sale. Off to supporters of nuclear power
- Fishing (inoff)
- bats in search of blood
- Japanese in NY! (adult)
- Happy New Year
- Getting Old
- Barbs, mostly from the AJC "The Vent"
- Road Sign (might be off. to some)
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Date: Fri, 3 Oct 1997 03:36:14 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Politics - American Style
* So many of our politicians want to be known as miracle workers --
it IS a miracle when they work. But that's not entirely fair.
Most do put in a good day's work -- every week.
- - - - -
* And look at Clinton, personally responsible for a resurgence of
religion in America. Never has the phrase, "Oh my Dear God !!!"
been heard from so many, and so often, since he took office.
- - - - -
* And y'all wonder how these guys get caught in so many scandals ?
Hell, haven't you ever heard the expression 'exercise discretion' ?
Politicians think it involves some kind of physical effort.
- - - - -
* For those not in the US, we can watch a lot of the proceedings on
TV now. In fact, that's how I stay so slim. I tune in often and
just let my flesh crawl.
- - - - -
* As for all these campaign contribution charges and counter-charges,
it just proves once again that the United States currently has the
very best President and Vice-President that money can buy.
- - - - -
* People outside the US often wonder how you become a Republican. Well,
two ways generally, most are because their Fathers were before them;
others are because their Fathers were Democrats.
- - - - -
* Congress polices itself though. One representative banked five times
his salary in just two years. He's currently being investigated to
see what in the world took him so long.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy humor ? Visit me @
(joke page) http://www.mindspring.com/~vibes/jimmy.htm
(postings) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date: Fri, 3 Oct 1997 08:03:02 -0400
From: Narasimhan, Seshadri <NarasimhanS@BERNSTEIN.COM>
Subject: Blindness ... not a handicap <not off.>
>From Shamima (who I will try to make a subscriber and contributor!)
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring
me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order
from
there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and
picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands
it
to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the
kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her
what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly
brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I
take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli.
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man
is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the
blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and
leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming
and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife,"Mary rub this fork around
in
your secret place before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and
waiting.
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?
* Sai
X5098
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Date: Fri, 3 Oct 1997 08:58:31 -0400
From: Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: OPTARECTOMY (off. lang.)
SURGERY NOTICE
Please be advised that you have been scheduled for an OPTARECTOMY procedure.
The purpose of this operation is to sever the cord that connects you rectum
to your eyes and, hopefully, alleviate your shitty outlook on life. It has
been noted that you have been in less than perfect humor lately.
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Date: Fri, 3 Oct 1997 10:01:03 -0400
From: Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: Misc quotes <inoff>
The following were all swiped from THE PRAIRIE RAMBLER (no copyrt
infringement) and were unattributed except where indicated:
Do you want to trace your family tree? Run for public office
--Patricia H. Vance
***
A pessimist thinks all women are immoral and an optimist hopes it is so.
***
You might as well laugh at yourself once in a while--everyone else does.
***
You'll never get indigestion from swallowing your pride occasionally
***
Overheard at a bar: "Habit-forming? Nonsense. I drink this stuff all the
time."
***
A chip on the shoulder indicates there is wood higher up.
***
One advantage of the horse and buggy was that even when the driver didn't
look where he was going--the horse did.
***
Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.
--Spanish proverb
***
Bob Dole's loan to Newt Gingrich is the first recorded case of an airbag
being saved by a person.
--John Dizard, *New Republic* 5/15/97
***
Actual newspaper headline: WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE.
--contributed by Ana Lucia Gelabert
***
It's smart to pick friends--but not to pieces.
--contributed by Peter Madle who in turn swiped it from the *Lions Club Intl.
Mag.*
***
One way to be happy ever after is not to be after too much.
--same source as above item
***
Vultures only fly with carrion luggage.
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Date: Fri, 3 Oct 1997 15:03:03 +0100
From: Max Blumberg <max@MAXB.COM>
Subject: Jokes women tell about men.....(mostly clean)
Yet another male-bashing! Why do we put up with it...and Gillian, these
aren't funny!
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it
take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Q: What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
A: A candlelit rugby stadium.
Q: What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
A: One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching its ass and the
other's a chimpanzee.
Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions!
Q: What does PMS stand for?
A: Putting (up with) Men's Stupidity
Q: What do electric toy trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're usually intended for the children, but it's the husbands
who end up playing with them!
Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock
Q: What do men and sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Q: Why did god make man before woman?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy
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Date: Fri, 3 Oct 1997 11:37:22 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Scottish Way!!! (off. to Scots??)
One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to
Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander
stepped into the middle of the road. He is at least 6 feet 4 inches and
has the appearance of a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and
despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures is dressed only in
a kilt, plaid shirt and a tam o'shanter at a rakish angle. At the roadside
there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful - slim,
shapely, fair complexion, golden hair...completely heart stopping.
The driver stops and stares. His attention is only distracted from the
woman when the red thing opens the car door and a fist resembling a whole
raw ham drags him out. "Right, you Jimmy," he shouts, "Ah want yu to
masturbate" "But..." stammers the driver. "Du it now..or I'll bluddy well
kill yer here and now!" So the driver turns his back to the girl and
starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl behind him, this doesn't take
long. "Right," snarls the highlander, "Du it again." "But.." says the
driver. "Now!" So the driver does it again. "Right laddie, one more
time but this time with a lot of vigor" demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both
arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight is
failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold has
collapsed in a sweating jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.
"Du it again", said the highlander. "I can't do it any more...you'll just
have to kill me" says the driver.
The highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped by the roadside.
"All right laddie", he says, "NOW you can give ma daughter a lift to
Inverness!!!"
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Date: Fri, 3 Oct 1997 14:11:46 -0400
From: Robert Bragner <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Nuclear lemon for sale. Off to supporters of nuclear power
>From "Business This Week" in this week's issue of The Economist. [Comments by
yours truly.]
POWER DEALING
General Public Utilities of Pennsylvania is selling THREE MILE ISLAND,
[Remember that one? "China Syndrome"? Jane Fonda? Well guess what] nowadays
[it's] the eighth most efficient nuclear power station in the world [What does
that say for the top seven? And how would YOU like to have the "eighth most
efficient nucler power station as a next-door neighbor?] but the site, in
1979, of America's worst [officially acknowledged] civil nuclear accident.
[The uncivil ones don't count.]
GPU, which is also selling another plant, wants to get out of power
generation. [Quickly, like tomorrow if possible. But certainly by the end of
this month. The board of directors has decided to call a meeting to be held
in--hey, somebody, get me a globe--Rarotonga in the Cook Islands, and we've
all gotta go down there. Fast.]
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Date: Fri, 3 Oct 1997 11:35:10 -0700
From: Larry Saunders <lsaunder@PEPPERDINE.EDU>
Subject: Fishing (inoff)
Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the
reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin
in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same
thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like
this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men
catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the
other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us
fifteen hundred dollars?"
The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
--
Larry K. Saunders
Systems & Instructional Technologist
The Graziadio School of Business and Management
Pepperdine University
PH:310/568.5500 FAX:310/568.5727
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Date: Fri, 3 Oct 1997 15:47:53 -0400
From: Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: bats in search of blood
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and
parked himself on the cave's roof to get some sleep. Soon all the other
bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He
told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until
he finally gave in. "OK, follow me."
He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a
valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he
slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Do you
see that tree over there?" "YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a
frenzy. "Well I didn't!"
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Date: Fri, 3 Oct 1997 23:01:16 +0200
From: Mohamed El-Nadi <itf@INTOUCH.COM>
Subject: Japanese in NY! (adult)
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant
and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are
furiously masturbating.
She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Japanese men says, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry."
The waitress says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the
restaurant going to help that situation??"
One of the other businessmen replies,
"Because menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"
Ah so. :-D
=A4=BA=B0`=B0=BA=A4=F8,=B8=B8,=F8=A4=BA=B0`=B0=BA=A4=F8,=B8=B8,=F8=A4=BA=B0=
`=B0=BA=A4=F8,=B8=B8,=F8
Mohamed El-Nadi
mailto:mnadi@usa.net
http://nadi.home.ml.org
http://www.freeyellow.com/members/itf
"I once had a life... now I have the Internet..."
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Date: Fri, 3 Oct 1997 18:05:56 -0400
From: Gail Katz <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: Happy New Year
Rosh Hashona was over and there was time until Yom Kippur, and Abie needed
his tallis (prayer shawl) cleaned. He called his friend Max to ask what dry
cleaner to take it to.
Max said, "I always take my tallis to Moishe the dry cleaner on W 4th. He
only charges $4.00"
So Abie goes over to Moishe's and finds that the ownership has changed. He
asks the new owner, Mr Jones, if he meets the old prices. Mr. Jones assures
him that he does.
Three days later, Abie goes to get his tallis and is given a bill for $24.00.
He storms at Mr Jones. "I thought you met Moishe's prices?"
"I did, " said Mr Jones, "$4.00 for the tallis, and $20.00 to get all the
knots out of the fringes!"
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Date: Fri, 3 Oct 1997 21:08:51 EDT
From: Donald E. Chesnel <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Getting Old
This 92 year old man has been getting along by himself for years in his
own house when he starts to become forgetful and begins to experience a
few problems. His daughter suggests that maybe it's time he goes into a
home for the elderly. The old man relunctantly agrees, but recognizes
that he might actually enjoy being around other people who probably share
some of his interests, etc.
So the daughter makes the arrangements, gets her father to the home and
he proceeds to get settled in. He takes a walk and pretty soon he finds
a very nice sunporch. He sits down and after a few minutes starts to
lean to the left. An attendant sees this and rushes over with a pillow
to prop him up. A few minutes later, the old man starts to lean to his
right. The attendant comes rushing over with a pillow and props up his
right side. A few minutes later the old guy starts to tip forward.
Without a word the attendant comes forward, props him up and puts a strap
around him to hold him in place.
About that time the daughter shows up and asks her father how he likes
the place so far.
The old man says, "Well actually, I really like it here except for one
thing - they won't let you fart."
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Date: Fri, 3 Oct 1997 21:29:18 EST
From: Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Barbs, mostly from the AJC "The Vent"
At this point, the Russians have more freedom than we do. They got
rid of their Communist overlords. We still have our IRS masters.
Everybody would be much happier if they paid taxes with a smile. I
tried, but they wanted cash.
My husband and I have a 50/50 marriage. I give and he takes.
Stupid sign in front of an exterminator's office: "Bug of the month,
mice."
Athenism is a non-prophet religion.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains very popular.
I asked my mom to send a 10-minute hug through the mail. It arrived,
12 homemade chocloate chip cookies.
I think the Rolling Stones have started gathering moss.
A neighbor is a person who is always doing something you can't
afford.
A moran is anyone who doesn't laugh at your jokes; also one who does.
An idiot is anyone who sends you e-mail to complain about you attempt
to provide a little humor. (I'm glad HUMOR is 99.44% idiot free).
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Date: Fri, 3 Oct 1997 22:53:39 +0000
From: Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Road Sign (might be off. to some)
I'm not makin' this up...
While driving through Germany, you will sometimes
see highway signs that are the equivelent to
"Happy Motoring" or "Have a nice drive."
Literally translated, I guess you could say it
means "Good trip!" but what the sign actually
says is... GUT FAHRT!
Hmmm. Maybe it's a reminder to check your gas...
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