Digest for Saturday, October 04, 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 437 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Hospitals
- Humor:Medical warning
- Hunter
- Indian History - A must read.
- Mehr Deutsch (More German)
- journalism
- The Rat Race
- Flying (short essay)
- da-da-duh!
- Adam & Eve (inoff)
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Date: Sat, 4 Oct 1997 03:18:41 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Hospitals
* Hopefully, they were playing a hand of poker, waiting for the
anesthesia to work, but the last thing I remember before my last
operation was my surgeon saying, "Alright, who can open."
- - - - -
* Two little boys were discussing their hospital experiences. The
older one asked "Are you medical or surgical ?"
The other little boy said, "I don't know. How can you tell ?"
"Well," replied the more savvy of the two, "were you sick when you
were admitted, or did they make you sick after you got here ?"
- - - - -
* One of the nicest and most sincere cards I got when I was in the
hospital was one that simply said "Get well Quick". It was from
Blue Cross and Blue Shield, my medical insurer.
- - - - -
* One doctor to another in hospital corridor: "I usually take two
aspirin every four or five patients."
- - - - -
* The doctor was trying to encourage a gloomy patient. "You're not
in any real danger." he said. "Why I've had the same thing myself."
"I see." moaned the dour faced man. "But did you have the same
doctor ?"
- - - - -
* Overheard from another room, where there was a seven year old boy
receiving his medicine from a Nurse: "Johnny, we prefer to call this
medication rather than a 'fix'."
- - - - -
* Patient to Nurse: "No, I don't feel listless. In fact, if I felt that
good, I wouldn't even be here."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy humor ? Visit me @
(joke page) http://www.mindspring.com/~vibes/jimmy.htm
(postings) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date: Tue, 23 Sep 1997 02:35:00 -0600
From: Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Humor:Medical warning
The American Medical Association announced today a sharp increase in
U.S. deaths related to sclerosis of the brain. Doctors attributed the
increase to the alarming spread of excessive thinking among U.S.
citizens between the ages of 18-55. Playing no favorites among gender,
social, racial, or economic groups, Heavy Thinking, as it was referred
to by the AMA, represents the greatest threat to society since
Gutenberg's invention of the printing press. With little information to
go on, medical authorities have no idea what initiated the phenomenal
spread of Heavy Thinking. One bit of information they do have, outside
the 18-55 age group Heavy Thinking is virtually nonexistant leading
experts to believe youth and old age offer some inherent protection
against this dreaded syndrome.
On the Hill today, in response to the AMA announcement, congressional
leaders expressed their shock and dismay. In the largest swell of
bipartisan support since last week's vote on congressional pay
increases, Senators and Congressmen lined up to the microphones to
express their concerns and recommendations for immediate legislative
action. Many took time to voice their personal support for those
afflicted with HT. It was often the poignant moment when a legislator
would relate his or her own personal experience involving themselves or
family members brought under seige by HT.
For its part, the White House voiced equal concern. At present, White
House Office of Management and Budget is preparing an emergency proposal
urging lawmakers to consider an immediate amendment to this year's
budget appropriating an additional $1.5 billion for research into
finding the cause(s) of HT plus an additional $1.0 billion for the care
and maintenance of those already afflicted. While details of the
proposal have not yet been released, White House insiders say the
proposal will include a list of actions that, if implemented
immediately, may help stem HT's rapid growth and potentially save
hundreds of thousands of lives.
Some of those actions are; conducting random IQ tests among the general
population (Congress would be exempted) to identify potential victims or
those individuals afflicted with HT who have not yet come forward;
develop new guidelines for PBS television stations placing greater
emphasis on programming 1970's sitcom reruns; allow the general public
to participate in government sponsored civil employee training programs;
revamp national education standards to place greater focus on classroom
reading of comic books and the back of cereal boxes.
Industry is still assessing the potential impact on commerce threatened
by HT. Primarily through employee awareness and assistance programs,
U.S. corporations have for years now been quietly dealing with the
implications of HT, but last year's increase clearly caught them
offguard. From CEOs down to first line supervisors, corporate
management has made it very clear they can't have just anyone working
for them. One corporate CEO who refused to be identified stated, "The
Socratic method of inquiry has no business in business! It's my way or
the highway!". Another said, "Descartes be damned, you are what I think
you are!". Always quick to jump on the band wagon, the entertainment
industry is expected to provide similar reactions after lunch.
-=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com
---
. SPEED 2.00 #1157 . Even if I understood women, I doubt that I'd believe it
----
The Lunatic Fringe * Richardson, TX * 972-235-5288
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Date: Sat, 4 Oct 1997 09:44:15 -0400
From: Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Hunter
> > In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly
> > confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot
> > the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he
> > could.
> >
> > The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a
> > very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
> >
> > Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in
> > rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms,
> and
> > exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some 'religion'!"
> >
> > The sky darkened and there were lightning in the air. Just a few
> feet
> > short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced
> around,
> > somewhat confused.
> >
> > Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said,
> >
> > "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."
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Date: Sat, 4 Oct 1997 10:37:25 -0400
From: Joydeep Mitra <mitra@AECOM.YU.EDU>
Subject: Indian History - A must read.
The following is taken from The Times of India dated Sunday 6 July 1997:
A new history of India
One of the nice things about being married to a school teacher is that it
allows you to keep in nostalgic touch with your own school days. There are
other advantages, of course. Besides having a professional to supervise the
kids' homework, it gives me unlimited access to quality raw material for my
chosen field of leisure activity: My hobby is collecting devils. No, not
the kind you are thinking about, but those that appear so frequently in our
school textbooks and student worksheets. Therefore, it rather helps to have
a resident school ma'am.
The method is as simple as sampling a samosa. I cut, paste and string
together all the spicy printer's, author's, typesetter's devil, and student
mistakes, misspells, misquotes and malapropisms. The `mixture' makes for
wildly unexpected results, as my latest collection below will show. I call
it the ``New History of India''.
The original inhabitants of ancient India were called Adidases. Who lived
in two cities called Hariappa and Mujhe-na-daro. These cities had the best
drain system in the world and so there was no brain drain from them.
Ancient India was full of myths which have been handed down from son to
father. A myth is a female moth. A collection of myths is called mythology,
which means stories with female caricatures. One myth says that people in
olden times worshipped monkeys because they were our incestors.
In olden times there were two big families in India. One was called the
Panda and the other was called the Kaurava. They fought amongst themselves
in a battle called Mahabharat, after which India came to be known as Mera
Bharat Mahan.
In midevil times India was ruled by the Slave Dienasty. So named because
they all died a nasty death. Then came the Tughlaqs who shifted their
capital from Delhi because of its pollution. They were followed by the
Mowglis. The greatest Mowgli was Akbar because he extinguished himself on
the battlefield of Panipat which is in Hurryana.
But his son Jehangir was peace loving; he married one Hindu wife and kept
300 porcupines. Then came Shahajahan who had 14 sons. Family planning had
not been invented at that time. He also built the Taj Mahal hotel for his
wife who now sleeps there. The king sent all his sons away to distant parts
of India because they started quarrelling. Dara Seiko was sent to UP, Shake
Bhakhtiyar was sent to J & K, while Orangezip came to Bombay to fight
Shivaji. However, after that they changed its name to Mumbai because
Shivaji's sena did not like it. They also do not like New Delhi, so they
are calling it Door Darshan.
After the Mowglis came Vasco the Gama. He was an exploder who was
circumcising India with a 100 foot clipper. Then came the British. They
brought with them many inventions such as cricket, tramtarts and steamed
railways. They were followed by the French who brought in French fries,
pizzazz and laundry. But Robert Clive drove them out when he deafened
Duplex who was out membered since the British had the queen on their side.
Eventually, the British came to overrule India because there was too much
diversity in our unity.
The British overruled India for a long period. They were great expotents
and impotents. They started expoting salt from India and impoting cloth.
This was not liked by Mahatma Gandhi who wanted to produce his own salt.
This was called the swedish moment. During this moment, many people burnt
their lion cloths in the street and refused to wear anything else. The
British became very angry at this and stopped the production of Indian
testiles. In 1920, Mahatma Gandhi was married to one wife. Soon after he
became the father of the nation. In 1942 he started the Quiet India moment,
so named because the British were quietly lootoing our country. In 1947,
India became free and its people became freely loving. This increased our
population. Its government became a limited mockery, which means people are
allowed to take the law in their own hands with the help of the police.
Our constipation is the best in the world because it says that no man can
be hanged twice for the same crime. It also says you cannot be put in
prison if you have not paid your taxis. Another important thing about our
constipation is that it can be changed. This is not possible with the
British constipation because it is not written on paper.
The Indian parlemint consists of two houses which are called lower and
higher. This is because one Mr Honest Abe said that two houses divided
against itself cannot withstand. So Pandit Nehru asked the British for
freedom at midnight since the British were afraid of the dark. At midnight,
on August 15, there was a tryst in parlemint in which many participated by
wearing khaki and hosting the flag.
Recently in India, there have been a large number of scams and a plaque. it
can be dangerous because many people died of this plaque in Surat. Scams
are all over India. One of these was in Bihar where holy cows were not
given anything to eat by their elected leader. The other scam was in Bofor
which is a small town in Switzerland. In this, a lot of Indian money was
given to buy a gun which can shoot a coot.
Presently India has a coalishun government made up of many parties,
left, right and centre. It has started to library the economy. This means
that there is now no need for a licence as the economy will be driven by
itself. India is also trying to become an Asian tiger because its own
tigers are being poached. Another important event this year was the Shark
meeting at Malas Dive. At this place, shark leaders agreed to share their
poverty, pollution and population.
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Date: Sat, 4 Oct 1997 10:43:11 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Mehr Deutsch (More German)
I forwarded yesterday's post about the German highway sign, "GUT FAHRT,"
to a colleague. This is her response.
> Reminds me of the first sentence I had to read aloud in German class at IU.
> I almost couldn't do it, but went ahead on faith that it meant something
> else!
>
> "Ich fahrt alein nach Berlin."
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Date: Sat, 4 Oct 1997 17:52:06 +0200
From: Persson Mattias <mattias.persson@AROSNET.SE>
Subject: journalism
This is somethings swedish and other journalists have said before thinking
what they said
"It looks dark on the Cameroon bench"
Bosse Hansson, soccer world cup USA 94 in the game between Sweden and Cameroon
"You finished the race at great fart"
A journalist interwieving skiracer Procororov after a race at the world
championchips in Trondheim last year
"And the swedes take out the negro and puts the gipsy on!"
Bulgarian commentator in a soccergame between Sweden and Bulgaria
***********************************
*Mattias Persson *
*email:mattias.persson@arosnet.se *
*http://www.gif.arosnet.se *
***********************************
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Date: Sat, 4 Oct 1997 12:24:58 -0600
From: Paul Ostrof <paulo@FRII.COM>
Subject: The Rat Race
The thing about the rat race is
even if you win
you're still a rat.
-Lilly Tomlin
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Date: Sat, 4 Oct 1997 15:35:25 -0400
From: Bruce Cameron <WBCAMERON@AOL.COM>
Subject: Flying (short essay)
(From The Cameron Column)
With the economy booming from Al Gore's fund raising efforts, more and more
Americans are enjoying the experience of flying on our national airlines. I
use the word "enjoy," as in, "The man enjoyed having the walrus lie on top of
him," or, "the crowd enjoyed their food poisoning."
Flight enjoyment begins with the "pre-boarding process." Literally
translated, this means "to board the aircraft prior to boarding the
aircraft." First class passengers are invited to preboard so they can settle
in and practice their smug expressions for when you and the rest of the
Flintstones struggle past them to join the crowd of second class citizens in
the back. Families with small children also preboard, so that by the time
the plane is loaded their kids will have used up all their toys and be ready
for the first volley of shrieking.
I don't preboard, but I am one of the last people left on the planet who
checks his luggage. I do this to insure my suitcase will arrive in Des
Moines exactly at the same time as I land in Cleveland. Everybody else lugs
their stuff onto the aircraft and crams it on top of your suitcoat in the
overhead bin. Much grunting and isometric exercise accompanies this effort,
along with comments like "I think...grunt...I can just...grunt...oh no," and,
"I hope my chicken will be okay up there."
Once everyone is seated and you have lost the battle for the armrests with
the people squeezed in on either side of you, the plane will roll about
thirty yards and then stop on the pavement for an hour. This is called
"preheating the passengers"
During take off I usually find it helpful to scream "OH MY GOD WE'RE GOING TO
CRASH!" a couple of times, though I've sort of given this up since they
started issuing pepper spray to the flight attendants. To relax, I put on
the fake headphones and listen to the pilot's dialogue over the radio.
You have to admit, despite the fact that the take off is the most dangerous
part of the trip, those guys up front are pretty level-headed about it.
Their conversation usually goes like this:
PILOT: "Well, I see that we've got a fire in the port engine, what do you
know."
CO-PILOT: "I'm bored."
PILOT: "Me too. I'm so bored I can't keep my eyes open."
CO-PILOT: "Oh yeah? Well I'm so bored I'm going to unbuckle my seatbelt and
lie down."
PILOT: "Well I'm so bored I'm going to open the window and crawl out on the
wing."
CO-PILOT: "You'd better do it on the starboard wing because the port wing
just exploded."
PILOT: "Ha Ha."
After take off, the passengers settle in for a series of public service
announcements. You are invited to hold your seatbelt over your head and
buckle it, which I have always found to be impossible. You are told that in
the event of a "sudden depressurization" (meaning, a hole opens in the side
of the airplane and sucks everyone out) little plastic hats will fall from
the ceiling and bean you on the forehead. What, to make the depressurization
more interesting? Then you're informed that food and beverage service will
begin just as soon as the flight crew stops laughing over the fact that
people are really going to eat it.
Everyone makes fun of airline food, possibly because it is inedible. I have
always harbored an anonymous affection for it, however, mainly because it
allows me to play the game "guess my meat." My favorite airplane meal is the
breakfast special: Cheese Extrusion Plus a Piece of Something Which May Once
Have Been Alive. I also enjoy Cobweb Pita and Fajitas De Yuck.
Landings are usually characterized as "uneventful" (meaning, no flames.) To
me, though, falling out of the sky at 200 miles an hour and hitting the
pavement is extremely eventful, and I usually can't stop weeping for a couple
of days afterward. I feel like everyone should be pointing at me and
whispering:
"Look, that's the guy who was FLYING."
To subscribe e-mail majordomo@cwe.com with the words "subscribe cameron" in
lower case as the first line in your message.
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Date: Sat, 4 Oct 1997 15:56:42 -0400
From: Lee_Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: da-da-duh!
When I worked in summer campus in my younger days, we sang this little
ditty, the tune of which I cannot name:
In the boarding house where I lived,
Everything was growing old.
There was hair upon the butter,
And the cheese had turned to mold.
When the dog died, we had hot dogs.
When the cat died, catnip tea.
When the landlord died, I moved out;
Spareribs were too much for me.
Tune: daaaah - da-da - da-da-da - daaaaah - da, etc. :-)
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Date: Sat, 4 Oct 1997 14:38:24 -0700
From: Larry Saunders <lsaunder@PEPPERDINE.EDU>
Subject: Adam & Eve (inoff)
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and
Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss
her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" So the Lord gave
a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a
nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was
enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd
like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord
again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that
was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam.
And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make
love' Lord?'" So the
Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush,
but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"
--
Larry K. Saunders
Systems & Instructional Technologist
The Graziadio School of Business and Management
Pepperdine University
PH:310/568.5500 FAX:310/568.5727
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