Digest for Sunday, November 02, 1997
There are 7 messages totalling 247 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- The President
- Humor - Compendium Of Chicken Jokes (4th of 5)
- More Will Rogers (not off.)
- Lawyer Joke
- Adam Sandlers version of the Macarena
- Brickbats: Terse obsersations and other mild forms of humor
- Anxiety
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Date: Sun, 2 Nov 1997 06:50:11 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The President
* In the old days, it was simple. Take the "Hot Line" telephone
between us and the USSR for example. All the President had to do
was pick it up and say, "Sorry, it seems a Dr. Strangelove has just
launched 172 ICBM's your way." and everything was fine.
Now though, with the break-up of the Soviet Union, and countries
in upheaval and changing names and all, we gotta have umpteen of
the damn things.
Can't you just imagine how it might be ? Clintin picks up a phone
and a recording sez "I'm sorry, you have just reached a disconnected
nation. Please hang up and try another phone."
- - - - -
* And then the bean-counters in the GAO step in, all worried about the
costs of all these lines and try to insist the President only use them
after 9:00 P.M. when the rates are cheaper.
- - - -
* I understand Clintin is gonna try a new tactic with fund raising in
an effort to comply with the law. You know how we have all these
events for charity -- walk for this or run for that, etc.
Well, they're planning on holding a 10 K run, but for campaign funds.
Already a lot of the biggest contributors want to know if their butlers
may run for them.
- - - - -
* And now it also seems Clintin and co-President Hillary are concerned
that they're gonna have to leave Washington DC when their term's over.
They're trying to organize the Mother of all Fund Raisers to see if
they can purchase Washington DC outright, so they can stay on.
- - - - -
* The President planned a news conference this week to try to calm the
jitters of the investors over Wall Street's antics. He had planned to
have a lot of charts and graphs to show everything was alright.
The session had to be canceled though. Seems Chelsa took all the
crayons in the White House with her when she went away to college.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy humor ? Visit me @
(jokes page) http://www.mindspring.com/~vibes/jimmy.htm
(jokes posted) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date: Sun, 2 Nov 1997 11:29:28 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Compendium Of Chicken Jokes (4th of 5)
We've seen many chicken jokes posted on this list. Some unknown individual
has compiled these which I've copied from another list.
Saddam Hussein : It is the Mother of all Chicken Jokes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did the chicken cross the road?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
>
>Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The
>chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
>
>Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the
>objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused
>the actualization of this potential occurrence.
>
>Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares
>why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.
>
>Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free
>to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
>
>M.C.Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at
>the time.
>
>Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes
>also across you.
>
>O.J.: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
>
>Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
>
>Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
>but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked
>in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Sun, 2 Nov 1997 13:41:39 -0500
From: Doug McNees <PADLEOS@AOL.COM>
Subject: More Will Rogers (not off.)
THINGS WILL ROGERS NEVER SAID
(And probably wishes he had)
--The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.
--The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the
government will find a way to tax them.
--One problem with some of the new wonder drugs is the side
effects -- like near bankruptcy.
--Every man has a secret ambition to outsmart horses, fish,
and women.
--The trouble with doctors is that when they make a mistake,
it is usually a "grave" error.
--It seems to me that this new Republican Congress has really
been NEWTERED.
.................................<0>..................................
Doug's Joke Book
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Date: Sun, 2 Nov 1997 14:32:25 EST
From: Funnyman Humor <funnymanhumor@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Lawyer Joke <clean>
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer on the
highway?
A: There's skid marks before the dog.
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Date: Sun, 2 Nov 1997 15:33:35 -0500
From: Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Adam Sandlers' version of the Macarena
A little Morning Macarena for you...
----------
The Masturbata
(sung to the tune of "Macarena")
Sitting in my house, and I know that I'm alona,
Feeling kinda horny, got a jingle in my bona.
Go and grab a Penthouse its the one with Sharon Stona.
Hey Masturbata!!
I go a little faster and its feeling kind of nicea,
Once ain't enough so I have to do it twicea.
If you wanna spank the monkey I can give you good advicea.
Hey Masturbata!!
I use some baby oil or a little Vaselina,
Laying down a towel so I keep my carpet cleana.
Never shake my hand cause you don't know where its beena
Hey Masturbata!!
I do it in the car when I'm driving down the streeta,
One hand on the wheel and the other's on my meata.
I can't get out the car cause I'm sticking to the seata.
Hey Masturbata!
Since I was a kid I have been a Masturbata,
choke the chicken, hum the knob, squeezing the tomata.
I've looked at Ms. November now I'n gonna decorate her.
Hey Masturbater!
Buffing the banana, Mr. Lizard shaking bacona,
Pounding on the flounder and its mayonnaise I'm makinga.
Spank the frank, wax the carrot, god my hand is achinga.
Hey Masturbata!
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Date: Sun, 2 Nov 1997 16:18:29 EST
From: Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Brickbats: Terse obsersations and other mild forms of humor
My boss hates "yes" men and I have to agree with him.
Can a person be chalant? Can weather be clement? And are children
ever ruly?
I went to a strip mall the other day with my friend. Let me tell you,
I was disappointed. Everybody else had on clothes.
My best pickup line is: "Hi, I'm Bob. Do you speak English?"
Somewhere in my office, in the vicinity of my desk, there exists a
black hole into which all my pens disappear.
A woman was scooping up an armload of toaster pastries just as I was
contemplating their ingredients. I said to her, "These things could
kill you." She said, "Well, they're just for the kids."
The penalty for bigamy is two wives.
The 6 o'clock news said to tune in at 11 for a list of the condoms
being recalled. Hey, my wife and I go to bed at 10.
It's getting tougher all the time to drive in Macon. Today, an old
lady -- and her grandkids -- all gave me the finger.
Baseball Rules Section 3.12.5 -- The strike zone shall consist of an
area from the kneecap to the midpoint between the waist and shoulders
vertically and shall be as wide as the home-plate umpire's hind
quarters.
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Date: Sun, 2 Nov 1997 20:02:35 -0800
From: Keith E. Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Anxiety
TIP FOR THE DAY
In the early stages of anxiety, it's a good idea to make a videotape of
yourself sleeping. That way, when you get insomnia, at least you can
watch yourself asleep on TV while you're lying in bed wide awake.
Rich Hall, From Self-Help for the Bleak, Copyright (c) 1994
--
Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List
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