Digest for Monday, November 03, 1997
There are 9 messages totalling 437 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Moore on Wives
- Nostradamus & Fergie
- Humor - Compendium Of Chicken Jokes (5th of 5)
- The President (continued; sardonic humor... look it up)
- Gates and his house
- On Being a Teacher . . .
- Sick
- Twinkling
- Surd Times:The Contestants
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Date: Mon, 3 Nov 1997 05:48:56 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Moore on Wives
* Wives are funny creatures. Guys, did you ever watch your wife
vacuum ? If the machine doesn't pick something up, she'll bend
over, pick up the offending material with her hand, look at it,
then place it back on the floor; as if to give the vacuum one
last chance to pick it up.
- - - - -
* My own wife, Mrs JimJr puts on all these creams, oils and lotions
every night. I'm glad she takes care of herself. But the other
night, I rolled over to hug her, and she slid right out of bed.
- - - - -
* The Yuppette wife is different than all others though. Once at
a pool in Columbia Maryland this lil' Yuppette got a cramp and had
to be rescued by the Life Guard.
Once safely out of the pool, she goes over to her friends and
asks, "What does one tip for a thing like this ?"
- - - - -
* Contrary to popular belief though most Yuppettes do indeed know
the value of a dollar. The other day a Yuppette from Columbia
had her car break down. The tow truck driver charged her $ 65.00
to take the car to the garage less than 10 miles away.
When she told her husband that evening, he said that the driver
had taken advantage of her.
She said, "I thought so. But I made him earn it. I kept the
brakes on all the way."
- - - - -
* We've all been lost and depended on our wives to act as navigator.
Well, not long ago, Mrs JimJr, her face buried in a map book, said
"Turn here !" I did, and didn't notice the "No Left Turn" sign.
Just my luck, a policeman was near-by and stopped me. I tried to
explain that we were lost and I was following my wife's directions.
He issued me a ticket for "Driving Under the Influence of Wife."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy humor ? Visit me @
(jokes page) http://www.mindspring.com/~vibes/jimmy.htm
(jokes posted) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date: Mon, 3 Nov 1997 13:10:27 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Nostradamus & Fergie <off. to Fergie & QEII)
Lee Bradley discovered and sent me the following quatrain. What
follows is the original French text, with Lee's erudite translation
and notes:
La vieille reine se montrera genereuse
En offrant a la sybarite rousse
Des nuits parisiennes
Et un cocher aimant la pierre.
The old queen will show herself generous
By offering to the red-headed Sybarite (1)
Some nights in Paris
and a chauffeur who loves stone. (2)
(1) Fergie, the OTHER undesirable in-law of QEII.
(2) a chauffeur who can run into stone (cement pillars of a tunnel)
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Date: Mon, 3 Nov 1997 11:29:51 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Compendium Of Chicken Jokes (5th of 5)
We've seen many chicken jokes posted on this list. Some unknown individual
has compiled these, which I've copied from another list.
Saddam Hussein : It is the Mother of all Chicken Jokes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did the chicken cross the road?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
>The Pope: That is only for God to know.
>Plato: For the greater good.
>Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
>Ronald Reagan: What cat?
>The Sphinx: You tell me.
>Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment
#001##004# would let it take.
>Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find
out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Mon, 3 Nov 1997 13:25:30 -0500
From: Robert Bragner <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: The President (continued; sardonic humor... look it up)
Jim Moore Jr said
> Clintin picks up a phone
> and a recording sez "I'm sorry, you have just reached a disconnected
> nation. Please hang up and try another phone."
No, no, no. What happens is this:
- Clinton picks up the phone: [beep-beep-beep beep-beep-beep-beep]
- Voice on other end: "Thank you for calling the Pentagon! Please enter your
PIN." [beep-beep-beep] "I'm sorry. That's not a valid PIN. Please try again."
[beep-beep beep-beep] "Good morning, Mr President! To bomb somebody press 1.
To dispatch the Marines somewhere press 2. To..." [beep] "I'm sorry. That was
not a valid selection. To bomb somebody press 1. To dispatch the Marines
somewhere press 2. To..." [beep!] "I'm sorry. That was not a valid selection.
To bomb somebody press 1. To dispatch the Marines somewhere press 2. To..."
[BEEP!] "I'm sorry. That was not a valid selection. To bomb somebody press 1.
To dispatch the Marines somewhere press 2. To..." [Sound of handset being
slammed into place]
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Date: Mon, 3 Nov 1997 15:02:12 -0500
From: Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Gates and his house
For all you Microsoft fans....
While the Gates are moving in from their temporary quarters nearby,
final construction of their new house is not expected to be completed
until the end of the year.
Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "You have our basic support option. Calls are free for the
first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. Its a little
smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the
release date."
Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger
living room; or you can use a Stacker."
Bill: "Stacker?"
Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the
room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the
couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when
you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put
it back when you're done."
Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light
fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The
threads run the wrong way."
Contractor: "Oh! Thats easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll
have to upgrade to the new bulbs."
Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular.
How do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."
Bill: "You're kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. It's the only way."
Bill: "<sigh> Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have
guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water
pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."
Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing
to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other
fixtures."
Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn
off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then
you can get back to work."
Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"
Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it... nobody made you buy it."
Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"
Contractor: "Oh, in your next house, which will be ready to release
sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year,
but we've had some delays..."
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Date: Mon, 3 Nov 1997 18:18:00 -0600
From: Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: On Being a Teacher . . .
From: janinelove@juno.com (Janine A Lovekamp)
~~ You Might Be In Education If... ~~
* You can converse in middle schoolease.
* Your last nerve is a distant memory...
* Every day is a bad hair day.
* You find humor in public parental discipline.
* You worry about getting sued for self-esteem violiations.
* You believe the staff room should be equipped with Valium salt
licks.
* You stand on your front porch instructing the neighbor children
to "Walk!"
* Junior Highers make you feel old but you could not be paid to be
that age again...
* You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to only
work 8 - 3 and have your summers free."
* You refer to adults as "boys and girls"
* You encourage your husband by telling him he is a "good helper"
* You believe chocolate is a major food group.
* You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
* You believe "extremely annoying" should have its own box on the
report card.
* You believe that unspeakble evils will befall you if anyone
says, "Boy,the kids are sure mellow today."
* When you are out in public you snap your fingers at children who
are misbehaving.
* You give your husband "the look" when he "misbehaves."
* You have no life from August through June.
* Putting all "A"s on the report card would be so much easier.
* You think people should be required to get a government permit
before being allowed to reproduce, earned by having worked in a
middle school for 5 years.
* You encourage a parent to check into home schooling.
* You can't have children of your own because there isn't a name
you can hear that wouldn't elevate your blood pressure.
* You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.
* You think that caffeine should be available in I V form.
* Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question, "Why is
this kid like that?"
-=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com
---
. SPEED 2.00 #1157 . Be nice to your kids; they'll choose your nursing home!
----
The Lunatic Fringe * Richardson, TX * 972-235-5288
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Date: Mon, 3 Nov 1997 21:54:11 EST
From: Mike Rae <ldsteen@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Sick
Q: What does a mathematician do when he's constipated?
A: He works it out with a pencil.
______________________________
Q: What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with the terrorist.
______________________________
Michele has this little boyfriend. He likes computers and wants to come
over to lend
Michele his floppy. Her brother says " I'd be careful of those floppies
if I were you." Her other brother says" It's not the floppies you have
to worry about, it's the stiffies.
_______________________________
The traffic cop excitedly told his wife,
"Can you believe this,dear? I finished this jigsaw puzzle
in only four months!"
"Is that a record,honey?"his wife asked.
"It must be,"said the cop."It says three to five years on
the box."
_______________________________
What AM I ???
This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long.
The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It
is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant
action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end
and a small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost
always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a
warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out
again and again many times in succession, often quickly and
accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found
listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing
sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When
finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky
white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the
outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening
shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing
liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely
hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action,
hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice of three times
a day, but often much less.
WHAT AM I ???????
The answer to the riddle is none other than your very own
..........TOOTHBRUSH
and you thought ....?????
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Date: Mon, 3 Nov 1997 19:31:38 -0800
From: Keith E. Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Twinkling
TWINKLING
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are,
Polish, Austrian, Swede or Mex.,
Twinkling with imported sex.
--
Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List
To subscribe or unsubscribe, write maiser@mail.otherwhen.com
and put "SUBSCRIBE McHawList" or "UNSUBSCRIBE McHawList" in the
message body. Send contributions to KSullivan@worldnet.att.net
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Date: Tue, 4 Nov 1997 09:10:26 -0500
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Surd Times:The Contestants <adult>
Two Sardaars drove to a gas station in Ludhiana for a fill-up because
they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who
purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men
asked the attendant about the contest.
"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.
"How do we enter ?" asked the Sardaar.
"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You
win free sex".
"O.K. I guess 7, " said the Sardaar.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant.
The next week, the two Sardaars returned to the same station to get
gas. When they went inside to pay, the one Sardaar asked the attendant
if the contest was still going on.
"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10,
if you guess right. You win free sex".
"2," said the Sardaar.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and
try again" As they walked back to the car, the one Sardaar said to the
other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said the other. "My wife won twice last week."
Chalapathi
B-)
"Plus ca change,plus c'est la meme chose"
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