Digest for Wednesday, November 05, 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 324 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Commuter Flights
- Drinking
- Will Rogers (Not offensive)
- Room & Board (offensive to Anti-Semites)
- Its A Wacky World!
- Brickbats: Tart observations as a form of humor
- Honk If You Love Jesus (poss. offensive to Christains)
- New Business
- Hot Dogs (could be offensive to Catholics)
- On Drinking Again
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Date: Wed, 5 Nov 1997 05:29:12 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Commuter Flights
* Airplane commuter flights in Texas fly on a regular basis,
most of the time you don't need reservations, you just show up.
At a terminal in Abilene, this couple was obviously in the
midst of an argument. He said, "If you hadn't taken so long,
we could have caught that flight to Dallas."
She sneered, "And if you wouldn't have rushed me so much, we
wouldn't have to wait so long for the next one."
- - - - -
* These hedge-hoppers have slow days though. I called ahead once
when Mrs JimJr and I were in Abilene and asked when the next flight
to Dallas was.
The bored voice on the other end of the phone replied, "What time
can you be ready ?"
- - - - -
* Most of the commuter planes used are fairly small and well used.
A lady passenger once sat for thirty minutes staring at the engine
on the side of the plane she was on.
So she wouldn't have to endure yet another thirty minutes, I said,
"If you'd like to read a book or something, I'd be glad to watch
that engine for ya."
- - - - -
* For those of you who've never been on a small commuter plane, the
cockpit has a curtain instead of a door, often the pilot never even
pulls it across, so you can see pretty much everything.
I had a crisis of confidence once though. A light began flashing
on the console. I saw the pilot say something to the co-pilot, then
he took his index finger and thumb and kinda flicked the light a few
times, as you would to remove a piece of lint from your suit.
Then I saw him reach behind his seat and get what could only be a
manual. As he skimmed thru the pages, he looked from the book to the
console. After a few moments he shrugged, said something else to the
co-pilot, and put the book away.
It was a long damn flight, let me tell ya !
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy humor ? Visit me @
(jokes page) http://www.mindspring.com/~vibes/jimmy.htm
(jokes posted) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date: Wed, 5 Nov 1997 12:46:57 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Drinking <clean>
A guy goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one beer
chaser.
The bartender lines up seven shots and goes to get the beer.
When he comes back with the beer only moments later, all seven shots
were gone.
The bartender says, "Wow! You sure drank those fast." The guy explains,
You'd drink fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
The guy reaches into his pocket and says, "Fifty cents!"
--------------------
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank
her.
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Date: Wed, 5 Nov 1997 09:52:26 -0500
From: Doug McNees <PADLEOS@AOL.COM>
Subject: Will Rogers (Not offensive)
THINGS WILL ROGERS NEVER SAID
(But probably wishes he had)
--Old age is when the gleam in your eye is just the sun shining
on your bifocals.
--It seems to me that the new songs that make the most money
make the least sense.
--I am not so think as you drunk I am.
--Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schitzophrenic,
and so am I.
--Blowing your stack just adds to air polution.
--Procrastination is the greatest labor-saving invention
of all time.
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Date: Wed, 5 Nov 1997 10:15:43 -0500
From: Cissy Hartley <cahart01@HOMER.LOUISVILLE.EDU>
Subject: Room & Board (offensive to Anti-Semites)
During the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself
to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area,
she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami.
"Excuse me," she said to the manager. "My name is Mrs. Goldstein, & I'd
like a small room for two weeks."
"I'm awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied."
Just as he said that, a man came down & checked out. "What luck," said
Mrs. Goldstein. "Now there's a room."
"Not so fast, Madam. I'm sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews
allowed."
"Jewish? Who's Jewish? I happen to be Catholic."
"I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?"
"Jesus, Son of Mary."
"Where was he born?"
"In a stable."
"And why was he born in a stable?"
"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!
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Date: Wed, 5 Nov 1997 11:05:15 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World!
Pair locked in cage for documentary film.
OTTAWA, (Reuters) -- Two Canadians have spent almost a week huddled in a
locked cage, living like chickens and eating nothing but vegetable mash --
all in the name of art, animal rights and a bit of cash.
Pamela Meldrum, a 27-year-old pharmacy technician, and Eric Wolf, a
24-year-old restaurant worker, will receive C$2,500 ($1,775) each if they
make it through a full week, ending on Saturday.
"I want to look at the double standard that people have between the way
they treat their pets and the way they treat farm animals," said video
artist Rob Thompson, who is filming the pair as part of one-hour
documentary on people as chickens.
The film's location is a chicken coop in the basement of an old jail in
Ottawa, said to be haunted. Meldrum and Wolf are determined to last until
Saturday, Meldrum is perpetually cold, and Wolf, who has lost his appetite,
has complained of hearing "a ghoulish voice."
Copyright 1997 Reuters Limited.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some say they are considering to transfer out of that *chicken* outfit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Wed, 5 Nov 1997 15:19:01 EST
From: Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Brickbats: Tart observations as a form of humor
If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down
and look comfortable.
You can keep those other breeds of dogs. I got myself a laborer
recliner.
I called the suicide hot line yesterday and when I told him how much
money I lost in the market, he told me to just go ahead.
Would it be racist to have a white million man and a white million
woman march in Washington?
If you really want a gourmet meal, try Beanie Weenies with soda
crackers and a big dill pickle.
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and
I don't care.
Beauty is in the eyes of teh beer holder.
Wouldn't it be great if there as an "edit undo" button in life?
If you are incompetent, don't worry. Just think, in a few years
you'll be in upper management!
I thought that it was pretty cool when I married Miss Wright; that is
until I found out that her first name was Always!
No one is ever totally useless. They can always serve as a bad
example.
I'm 39 years old, and I see absolutely no advantage to growing up!
I just checked a height/weight chart and found out that I am 4 inches
too short.
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Date: Wed, 5 Nov 1997 18:50:26 -0500
From: William E. Grover <g7718769@IDT.NET>
Subject: Honk If You Love Jesus (poss. offensive to Christains)
(Author unknown)
The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a
"HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on my
back bumper and I'm glad I did.
What an uplifting experience followed. That bumper sticker really
worked!! I found lots of people who loved Jesus. I was stopped at the
light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord. Why,
the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love Jesus
because pretty soon he leaned out of his window and yelled "JESUS
CHRIST!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him
shouting, "GO!...JESUS CHRIST!...GO!" Everyone else started honking too,
so I leaned out the window and smiled and waved to all those loving
people.
There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I heard him
yell something about a sunny beach and saw him waving with only his
middle finger. I asked my kids what he meant by that and they laughed
and said it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So I leaned out of the
window and gave him the good luck sign back.
A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they
got out of their cars and started running towards me! I bet they wanted
to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed so I stepped
on the gas. It's a good thing that I did because I was the only driver
to get across the intersection. I looked back and everyone was still
standing there so I leaned way out the window and held up the Hawaiian
good luck sign as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
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Date: Wed, 5 Nov 1997 17:32:00 -0600
From: Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: New Business
WARNING: May be offensive to animal lovers.
My brother tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years went to
veterinarian school. His new business never got off the ground so he
decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save
money . . his new slogan was:
NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS - YOU GET YOUR CAT BACK!
-=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com
---
. SPEED 2.00 #1157 . Why don't blind people bungee jump?It scares their dogs
----
The Lunatic Fringe * Richardson, TX * 972-235-5288
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Date: Wed, 5 Nov 1997 23:00:28 +0000
From: Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Hot Dogs (could be offensive to Catholics)
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived to USA
by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that
the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live
in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to
a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards it.
"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too
pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil.
Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap
their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers, then, staring at it for
a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers
cautiously, "What part did you get?"
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Date: Thu, 6 Nov 1997 09:47:43 -0500
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: On Drinking Again <clean>
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal,
even the accelerator," he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a
second time and the same voice came over the line.
"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by
mistake."
Chalapathi
B-)
"Plus ca change,plus c'est la meme chose"
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