Digest for Monday, December 01, 1997
There are 11 messages totalling 372 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Burglar
- Male Logic
- Definitions 1/3
- Mark Twain (2 of 3)
- Humor - Texas Folklore (4th of 4)
- HUMOR: stupid crook news
- More brickbats--evidence of humor primative origins
- Elevator (Adult)
- Such a deal !!!!
- The Rednecks Daughter
- If Operating Systems were Airlines
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Date: Mon, 1 Dec 1997 02:37:39 +0000
From: Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Burglar
Heard this on Tom Snyder's show...
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when
he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus
is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he
looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the
cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot, "Did you say that?" "Yes,"
said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's
your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"If you're Clarence," sneered the burglar. "Who is Jesus?"
The parrot said, "The Rottweiller who is watching you."
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Date: Mon, 1 Dec 1997 03:12:28 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Male Logic <adult humor>
* "Y'all got any American razor blades in here ?" the Texan asked
the London pharmacist. "All I see are these damn Wilkinsons."
"Sir," the Englishman patiently replied, "Wilkinson has been
producing the finest surgical instruments, weapons and razors
since before Waterloo."
"I don't give a damn if they passed them out on Noah's Ark if
they ain't any good." the Texan retorted.
"I can assure you they are very good sir." the peeved druggist
said. "Why just last year, my wife swallowed one. It have her a
tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, circumcised the
gardener, emasculated a neighbor, cut two of a delivery boy's
fingers off at the knuckle -- and I still got 10 shaves out of it.
- - - - -
* Two Yuppies from Columbia Maryland were discussing the dying art
of "small talk". "What do you consider the two most interesting
topics of conversation these days ?" the one asked.
"Why sex and politics, of course." the other replied.
"I agree with you there," said the first nodding. "What about the
second topic ?"
- - - - -
* Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward
off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
"One thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "he knows
when to stop."
- - - - -
* Two accountants were discussing a colleague's interest in one of
the firm's new secretaries. "I just don't get it." said one. "She's
an airhead -- nothing going on upstairs.
"That may be true," replied the other, "but I don't think that's
the floor he's getting off on."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy humor ? Visit me @
(jokes page) http://www.mindspring.com/~vibes/jimmy.htm
(jokes posted) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date: Mon, 1 Dec 1997 14:04:40 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Definitions 1/3 <clean>
ANGST: A form of suffering caused by too much thinking; a phenomenon
probably incomprehensible to anyone who owns a recreational vehicle.
CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of
intelligence.
CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides;
a closed circle of asses.
CONNOISSEUR: One who attains an obsessive knowledge of wines,
audio equipment, cats or French cheeses so as to confer a sense of
inadequacy on those who would simply enjoy them.
CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.
DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed
periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment
to Spanish music.
ERUDITE: Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any
business or romantic enterprise.
FAD: A folly committed by enough of the right people to confer upon it
the badge of status.
FIBER: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that
we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume
wood-pulp.
FUNERAL HOME: A stately manse occupied by transients who
continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to
entertain them.
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Date: Mon, 1 Dec 1997 10:14:31 -0500
From: Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Mark Twain (2 of 3)
Its name is public opinion. It is held in reverence. It settles everything.
Some think it is the voice of God.
Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man but coaxed
down-stairs a step at a time.
It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly
native American criminal class except Congress.
Only when a republic's life is in danger should a man uphold his government
when it is in the wrong. There is no other time.
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three
unspeakable precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and
the prudence never to practice either of them.
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how
little we think of the other person.
Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man's, I mean.
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Date: Mon, 1 Dec 1997 10:22:19 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Texas Folklore (4th of 4)
By Leon Hale:
A few random thoughts for today:
This first one is just about as random as a thought can get. It concerns
Robert H. Brown's parrot. Brown lives up in Brazos County, on Parker
Street in Bryan. He evidently has a good deal of mileage on his odometer
because he can do lots of remembering about the Great Depression.
I haven't met Brown but he writes letters to this column and he wrote one
about that parrot. Back in the '30s when meat on the table was sometimes a
reason to celebrate, Brown taught his parrot to tree squirrels. Parrot
would fly up in a tree, spot a squirrel and call out, "Here he is, here he
is."
I like that. It's the most interesting outdoors story I've heard since Arp
Harper used to write in about his old dog that would wade out and point
flounder, the way bird dogs point quail. That dog was strong, too. He set
such a steady point you could hang a Coleman lantern on his raised foreleg.
Harper's dog was run over on the beach by pickup and Robert Brown's parrot
came to a violent end as well. Somebody shot it and cooked it for
Thanksgiving. Brown says that bird was so tough you couldn't stick a fork
in the gravy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Note: Leon Hale is an author and also a folklore columnist for the Houston
Chronicle
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Mon, 1 Dec 1997 11:27:21 -0500
From: Lara B. Little <ali00lbl@UNCCVM.UNCC.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: stupid crook news
There was a story on our local news the other day about a man who robbed a
convenience store. He was caught quickly, and the clerk was easily able to
identify him...because he forgot to pull his ski mask down over his face!
Lara
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Date: Mon, 1 Dec 1997 12:17:57 EST
From: Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: More brickbats--evidence of humor primative origins
Seen on a bumper in Chattanooga: "Watch my rear end, not hers!"
How did the human race survive before we had all these TV people to
tell us how to cook, eat, live and raise our children?
I went to the pool hall and the barber shop today, and nobody was
worried about Iraq.
I think Bill Clinton has Irqnaphobia.
You don't suppose that Iowa Mom will start a trend, do you?
Sixty-three months of pregnancy in just eight months.
Sign in a public rest room in Baltimore: "Notice: Do not flush
anything down this toilet except toilet paper!"
Success in life is simple: Never trust your hair, home decor or fine
dining experience to a straight man.
Who do atheists thank on Thanksgiving?
Medallica needs to change its name to Aluminica. They aren't hard
enough to be Metallica anymore.
How could I trust my husband to take a male contraceptive pill when
he can't even remember to take out the garbage?
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Date: Mon, 1 Dec 1997 20:42:36 +0200
From: Mohamed El-Nadi <itf@INTOUCH.COM>
Subject: Elevator (Adult)
A guy and a gal meet in a Hospital elevator.
The guy asks, "Which floor?"
The gal says, "Third floor."
The guy reads the list of offices on the wall and says, "Oh, going to give
blood, I see."
She says, "Yup, it's worth $30.00. Which floor are you going to?"
He replies, "Sixth."
She says, "Oh, that's the sperm bank!"
He nods and says, "Right! and it's worth $60.00!"
A couple of weeks later, the same two meet in the elevator again.
The guy says, "Well, hello again. Third floor again?"
The gal, mouth tightly closed, cheeks puffed out, shakes her head and holds up 6
fingers.
Mohamed El-Nadi
http://nadi.home.ml.org
"I once had a life... now I have the Internet..."
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Date: Mon, 1 Dec 1997 18:44:04 -0500
From: Gail Katz <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: Such a deal !!!!
Kaplan was seated comfortably in his living room one evening when a rock
crashed through the window and landed at his feet, amidst a shower of
splintered glass. To the rock was attached a note: "Unless you pay us
$10,000 according to instructions, we will kidnap your wife."
After some thought, Kaplan sat down at his desk and penned a reply:
" Gentlemen:
Your rock of this date has been received. I don't have $10,000 at
this
time. However, keep in touch, as your proposition interests me.
Sol
Kaplan "
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Date: Mon, 1 Dec 1997 21:07:04 -0500
From: C and R <carbro@BIT-NET.COM>
Subject: The Rednecks Daughter <GROSS!!! Will offend pretty much anyone>
One day, The rednecks daughter came up to her father and asked "daddy, can
I borrow the car"? Being a redneck, dad replies "You have to give me a
blowjob first"....she says "Oh, come on daddy! Do I have to!"? He say "Yes
you do"....she drops to her knees and starts doing the deed.....she looks
up at him and says "daddy...your dick taste like shit"!!! and dad replies
"Oh, that's right...I lent the car to your brother" :->
our home page
http://www.bit-net.com/~carbro
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Date: Tue, 2 Dec 1997 01:18:03 -0500
From: Ossama Alami <oalami@MNSINC.COM>
Subject: If Operating Systems were Airlines
If Operating Systems were Airlines...
From: The Laugh Page
http://www.mnsinc.com/oalami/LaughPage/
DOS AIR:
All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane,
push it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the
ground again. Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the
air, hop on, etcetera.
WINDOWS '95 AIRLINES:
The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants are all very
attractive and the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense. After
your plane arrives 6 months late, you begin to wonder why it has not
arrived yet. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the
clouds, and at 20,000 feet it crashes without warning.
MAC AIRWAYS:
The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, feel
the same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight they
reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you
please return to your seat and watch the movie.
OS/2 SKYWAYS:
The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers
milling about. Airline personnel walk around, apologising profusely to
customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek,
powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each
passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how
much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have
to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight
systems.
FLY WINDOWS NT:
All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the
chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms
and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
WINGS of OS/400:
The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest
planes that ever flew and painted "747" on their tails to make them
look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to
your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions
cost $230 per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a
first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club.
MVS AIRLINES:
The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of
technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft.
This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers.
All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of
200 technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He
guns the engines, only to realise that the plane is too big to get
through the hangar doors!
UNIX EXPRESS:
Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to
the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what
kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together.
Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all
the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All
passengers believe they got there.
__________________________________________________________________
Ossama O. Alami http://www.mnsinc.com/oalami/
oalami@mnsinc.com ICQ UIN: 1020287
"EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later."
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