Digest for Tuesday, December 02, 1997
There are 11 messages totalling 468 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Uh Oh !
- Definitions 2/3
- Humor - Texas Folklore (5th of 5)
- Some favorite oxymorons
- The Old Nun on the Bus Joke
- New to the game of baseball!!!!
- Barbs and rustic observations
- The Creation of Pets
- Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students
- Re examined 12 days of christmas
- near death experience
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Date: Tue, 2 Dec 1997 03:03:23 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Uh Oh ! <some adult humor>
* Date at the door in his PJs: "I thought instead of going out,
that we'd spend a quite evening at home."
* College student to traffic cop: "Of course I refuse to take your
sobriety test. I haven't even studied."
* Daughter to Father: "Yes Dad, I agree women can make excellent
doctors. I've made 3 or 4 myself."
* Pickup to man embracing her: "My bra's up higher. You're trying
to unbuckle my shoulder holster."
* Mistress to Man: "Too tired again tonite ? You know what I think ?
I think you're playing around with your wife !"
* Best Man to Groom at altar: "We're setting up a foresome right
after the ceremony, think you can duck the reception ?"
* Boyfriend to Father showing daughter's beau to the door: "Have it
your way, but in a few months, you'll be begging me to come back."
* Mood music interrupted by a jingle in Honeymoon Suite: "Smile...
You're on Candid Camera."
* Pickup to man after a long sexual session: "Please. No kissing.
I may still be contagious."
* Father to Mother as he's about to spank a smirking boy: "Don't be
silly. Where would he get plastic explosives ?"
* Daughter to Mother: "Why is it all men I meet are either young and
broke or old and bent ?"
* Mrs JimJr on phone looking in my direction: "Yes you can speak to
him; but, I hardly think you'll find it a very rewarding experience."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy humor ? Visit me @
(jokes page) http://www.mindspring.com/~vibes/jimmy.htm
(jokes posted) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date: Tue, 2 Dec 1997 12:25:42 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Definitions 2/3 <may be off. to lawyers and Presbyterians>
HOUSEPLANTS: Vegetable companions; pleasant green pets that rarely
bite or throw up on the carpet.
IDEOLOGUE: Typically, an obscure humourless zealot who finds
fulfilment by spouting the ideas of famous humourless zealots.
LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a
paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable
background for entry into politics.
LECHER: A stud with liver spots.
LOTTERY: The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from
Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Albanian.
MATH ANXIETY: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching
each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.
MIRROR: A truthful reflector shunned by vampires, hypocrites and aging
fashion models.
NEGOTIATING: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice
shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money.
QUALITY OF LIFE: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when
enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.
REPRESSED: Sitting on one's inner demon to keep it decorously
immobilized, as practised by lifelong Presbyterians or anyone who
attempts to exchange pleasantries with a tyrannical boss.
REVOLUTIONARY: An oppressed person waiting for the opportunity to
become an oppressor.
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Date: Tue, 2 Dec 1997 09:27:50 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Texas Folklore (5th of 5)
By Leon Hale:
A random thought was put in my head by David Kelley of this city who
recently ruined his best silk necktie by dripping red sauce on it, in an
Italian restaurant. He suggests that saucy restaurants ought to go back to
giving bibs to the diners, the way they used to.
I'll vote for that much, and more. Last time I got a haircut it struck me
that a barber sheet would be even better than a bib. Put a sheet on every
diner to protect them from neck to shoe. This would be a great equalizer,
too, in the matter of proper attire in restaurants. It would eliminate the
need for a dress code.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Note: Leon Hale is an author and also a folklore columnist for the Houston
Chronicle
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Tue, 2 Dec 1997 10:56:39 EST
From: JOHN STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Some favorite oxymorons
Right up there with "military intelligence"
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Tue, 25 Nov 1997 10:50:02 -0500 (EST)
Subj: Some favorite oxymorons
From: RiverDncer
Some favorite Oxymorons
* assistant supervisor
* new tradition
* original copy
* plastic glass
* uninvited guest
* highly depressed
* live recording
* authentic reproduction
* partial cease-fire
* limited lifetime guarantee
* elevated subway
* dry lake
* true replica
* forward lateral
* standard options
* mandatory volunteer
* mutual differences
* nondairy creamer
* open secret
* resident alien
* silent alarm
* sports sedan
* wireless cable
* mercy killing
* lethal assistance (Contra aid)
* business ethics
* friendly fire
* genuine veneer
* full-time day care
* death benefits
* holy war
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Date: Tue, 2 Dec 1997 11:11:06 -0500
From: J.M. AHearn <jahearn@RXS.COM>
Subject: The Old Nun on the Bus Joke <offesive to just about everyone>
A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver
she needs someone to talk to. She lives in a convent and wants to
experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees but the nun explains
she can't have sex with a married man because it would be a sin.
The bus driver says no problem, he's not married. The nun says she also
has to die a virgin, so she has to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees
again and being the only two people on the bus they go in the back and
take care of business.
When they were done and he had resumed driving the bus driver said,
"Sister, I have a confession to make, I'm married and have three kid's."
The nun replied, "That's O.K. I have a confession too. My name is Bruce
and I'm on my way to a costume party."
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Date: Tue, 2 Dec 1997 15:16:02 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: New to the game of baseball!!!!
A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new
country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run!
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands
up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard,
r-r-run will ya!"
A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with
his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will
ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls
a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"
All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A
friendly fan, sensing his embarassment whisper, "He doesn't have to
run, he's got four balls."
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams,
"Walk with pr-r-ride man!"
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Date: Tue, 2 Dec 1997 17:46:28 EST
From: Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Barbs and rustic observations
Remember that mothering is only one letter away from smothering.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I went to see my doctor because I had a piece of cereal stuck in my
ear. He told me I wasn't eating right.
If our country believes in free speech, why do we have phone bills?
Why do people insist on doing their own top ten list? If Letterman's
isn't funny anymore, then their's sure as heck won't be.
Re Georgia Perimeter University: How would you like to be a graduate
of a university named after a road that doesn't go anywhere?
My husband just left on a four-day business trip. I am already
enjoying his vacation.
I hate converstibles. It's like riding in a car with no top on it.
What do Ronald Reagan and the telephone company's Memory Call have in
common? Neither one can remember.
To those feminist who prefer that the Bible be changed to gender
neutral: Why is Satan always a man?
Over Thanksgiving holiday with my family, I frequently asked myself
the question, "Is it polite to tell people to go stuff their bird?"
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Date: Tue, 2 Dec 1997 18:10:00 -0600
From: Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: The Creation of Pets
From: janinelove@juno.com (Janine A Lovekamp)
It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was
discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light
on the question, "Where do pets come from?"
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me
everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is
difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will
be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so
that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless
of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion
will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of
yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a
good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name
for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be
a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own
name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And
Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged
his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the
Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and
preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has
indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who
will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion
will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not
worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey
Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the
supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.
And Cat did not care one way or the other.
-=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com
---
. SPEED 2.00 #1157 . Cats know how we feel. They don't care, but they know.
----
The Lunatic Fringe * Richardson, TX * 972-235-5288
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Date: Tue, 2 Dec 1997 23:28:57 -0500
From: Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students
The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students
10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000
a year on Wall Street.
9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.
3. The department is giving me so much support.
2. My job prospects look really good.
1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.
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Date: Tue, 2 Dec 1997 22:22:19 -0600
From: Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: Re examined 12 days of christmas
*12 Days of Christmas*
Re-Examined in Light of Competition
Global challenges require the North Pole to continue to take more
competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures
are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary.
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be
the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic plant,
providing savings in maintenance costs.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective. In addition, their romance during the working hours could not
be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact and we may actually expand the
number of hens used. A recent time-motion-profitability study proved that
using illegal migratory fowl is extremely profitable as it eliminates the
company's need to provide employee benefits because the hens do not meet
federal residency requirements.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system,
with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the
birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. Once this
information is determined, the Accounting Department will deduct the costs
of any inappropriate non-business calls from their final paycheck.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other
precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks
appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per
goose per day is an example of their decline in productivity. Three geese
will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by the
Personnel Department will assure management that from now on every goose it
gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times.
Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order.
The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes to better
enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the work force is being
sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward
mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending,
a-mentoring, or a-motoring.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be
phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Let me hasten to add that the company policy prohibits age discrimination.
Should these individuals be asked to leave prior to their voluntary
retirement, rest assured our Law Department will ensure an ironclad defense
against an employee lawsuit.
Ten Lords-a-Leaping is overkill. The high costs of Lords plus the expense
of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest
replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping
ability may be somewhat sacrificed, significant savings should result due
to the number of congressmen left unemployed by the election.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the
band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on
new music and no uniforms will produce savings to the bottom line.
Though incomplete, studies by our latest consultant indicate that
stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop-ship
in one day, service levels will be improved and we can expect a substantial
reduction in the use of part-time personnel.
Happy Holidays!
Santa's Workshop Inc., a Limited Liability Partnership Corporation
____________________________________________
Antonio Oliveros Fernandez.
oliveros@mail.internet.com.mx
http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839 <-under re-design procces.
back on dec. 15
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Date: Tue, 2 Dec 1997 21:58:00 -0800
From: Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: near death experience
I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other
day, I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the
horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to
hang on, but I was thrown off. My foot got caught in the stirrup.
When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head
continued to bounce harder.The horse did not stop, or even slow down.
Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness... The Walmart
manager came out and unplugged it. Thank goodness for heros.
steven
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