Digest for Wednesday, December 03, 1997
There are 16 messages totalling 627 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- chemistry joke
- Jewish Parrot Joke
- Definitions 3/3
- The Good Old Days (The Fifties)
- Wilbert and Santa (adult language, poss off)
- Mark Twain Quotes (3 of 3)
- Humor - Key To Bondage (kinky)
- Pinocchio
- Star Trek Fan
- More defs -- even more off to lawyers
- the farm hand
- Ventriloquist (offensive to rednecks)
- Scientists support legend of St. Nicolas
- Surd-Times : The HairCut
- Half-witted observations about the lives we live
- MICROSOFT Acquires Christmas
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Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 07:13:02 +0000
From: Joe Clark <smooth@BIOCH.OX.AC.UK>
Subject: chemistry joke
I teach biochemistry to medical students. The other day I went into
lecture and said to the students that I had heard a joke about the
periodic table, but forgot the joke. I told them it was the perfect joke
because it had all the right elements in it.!!!
Explanation: the periodic table is made up of atoms or AKA elements.
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Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 02:16:18 -0500
From: Michael Pollak <mpollak@PANIX.COM>
Subject: Jewish Parrot Joke
Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancey Street one day
wishing something wonderful would change his life, when he passed a Pet
Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, "Quawwwwk...
vus machst du...yeah, du...outside, standing like a schlmiel...eh?"
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it. The proprietor
sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here,
fella, and check out this parrot..."
Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and
said, "Vus? Ir kent reddin Yiddish?"
Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"
"Vuh den? Chinese maybe?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the
counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he
talked with the parrot in Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's
adventures coming to America, about how beautiful his mother was when she
was a young bride, about his family, about his years of working in the
garment center, about Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They
shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how
he hated the weekends. Finally, they both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while, saying his
prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Meyer
explained, the parrot wanted to do it too. Meyer went out and hand-made a
miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to
daven, so Meyer taught him how read Hebrew, and taught him every prayer in
the Siddur with the appropriate nussach for the daily services. Meyer
spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him
Torah, Mishnah and Gemara. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the
parrot as a friend and a Jew.
On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed and was about to
leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul
was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was
carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a
sight when they arrived at the Shul, and Meyer was questioned by everyone,
including the Rabbi and Cantor, who refused to allow a bird into the
building on the High Holy Days. However, Meyer convinced them to let him
in this one time, swearing that the parrot could daven.
Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even money)
that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.
All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on
Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep
from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and
mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"
Nothing.
"Daven...feigelleh, please! You can daven, so daven...come on,
everybody's looking at you!"
Nothing.
After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his
Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home
quite upset, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the Shul, the
bird, happy as a lark, began to sing an old Yiddish song. Meyer stopped
and looked at him.
"You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I
made your tfillin, taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read
Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on
Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"
"Don't be a schlmiel," the parrot replied. "You know what odds we'll get
for Yom Kippur?!"
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Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 12:06:06 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Definitions 3/3 <clean>
SHALLOWNESS: The root cause of chronic good health, high school
popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful
employment on local TV news broadcasts.
STAR: A performer who makes more than his or her agent.
Also, SUPERSTAR: A performer who makes more than Guatemala.
TABOO: Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes
everyone in the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity, serving
fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question
"How are you?" in the negative.
UNEMPLOYMENT: An intelligent alternative to overwork.
VIRGIN: A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the
gods but who now merely lives in disgrace (A rare species, though).
WAKE:
1. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room.
2. What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the
corpse do, especially those expecting a sizable inheritance.
X-CHROMOSOME: A genetic double-cross that empowers
women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the
right to be colour-blind hemophiliacs.
ZOMBIE: A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans
and those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms.
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Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 05:17:02 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Good Old Days (The Fifties)
* In the 50's we used to say that "The Atomic Age is here to stay"...
These days though, ya gotta wonder if we are
* Movies have to be exciting now to draw people and make money...
They start with the end of everything, then work up to a climax
* In the good old days women stayed at home and kept house...
Now, they're in the House AND the Senate
* There was "downsizing" in the good old days too...
Back then it meant a woman dieted and dropped a dress size or two
* In the good old days I got toys for Christmas...
Now, I not only get clothes, but... I want them
* The term "Mad Money" used to mean a woman's hidden cash assets...
Now, it refers to a psychiatrist's fee
* Years ago, colleges were know as "Fountains of Knowledge"...
Well, they're still "fountains", but now all that flows is alcohol
* "Lover's Leap" meant a mountain where the jilted committed suicide...
These days though, it's the distance between the twin beds
* I remember when parents hated Rock 'n Roll, then I despised Disco...
And just when I thought it couldn't get worse, along came Rap
* In the good old days, I was young and foolish...
Now, I am old and foolisher
* Women used to go the doctor to see if they could have a baby...
Now, they gotta check with the landlord first
* Back then we had leaders who could change the course of history...
With today's apathy, it's a student taking an exam who does that
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy humor ? Visit me @
(jokes page) http://www.mindspring.com/~vibes/jimmy.htm
(jokes posted) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 09:05:34 -0600
From: Richard Linton <rtlinton@FACSTAFF.WISC.EDU>
Subject: Wilbert and Santa (adult language, poss off)
This appeared last year and I thought it deserved a repost (appolgies to
the original poster, whomever it may be).
There is adult oriented language in this joke.
As the Christmas season draws nigh, foretelling the end of over a full month
of Commercial Christmas, there is a special urgency in the spirits of
children as they visit toy stores and toy departments all over the country.
It was with particular urgency that little Wilbert dragged his mother to the
toy department in a big Los Angeles department store. Mother quickly steered
Wilbert into the line of children waiting to talk to Santa, but Wilbert was
far more interested in the hobby horse.
As soon as his mother relaxed her vigilance for a moment, Wilbert vanished
from the Santa Queue and began rocking back and forth on the hobby horse. His
mother noticed his absence, and after a quick, frantic search, spotted him on
the horse. She let him rock for a few minutes, then told him it was time to
get off. Wilbert ignored her. She began to beg; Wilbert paid no attention.
She began to make promises of sugarplums, etc., if only Wilbert would get off
the hobby horse. He stuck his nasty little tongue out at her.
Then Santa himself, who had been watching this little family drama out of the
corner of his eye, stepped over and said to Wilbert's mother, "Perhaps I can
persuade your son to cooperate." "I doubt that," said the mother, "but you're
welcome to try."
Santa, with a big smile, whispered quietly into Wilbert's ear.
Wilbert's eyes grew very large, he quickly slid off the horse and took his
mother's hand. Together, with no fuss, they left the store.
As they drove home, Mama asked Wilbert what Santa had whispered to him.
Wilbert was silent. Mama began offering bribes (toys and German Chocolate
cake) if Wilbert would only tell Mama what Santa's words were. Wilbert turned
pale and wouldn't utter a word.
What had Santa said? Wilbert's mother was determined to find out. She had
never been able to get the kid to obey that easily, and decided it was worth
a great deal of effort on her part to discover what magick Santa Claus had
used on Wilbert.
She continued to bribe him with a soft voice and much cajolery, and Wilbert's
stubborn streak finally faded. What did Santa say?
Wilbert now answered: "He said, 'Listen, you little son of a bitch, if you
don't climb your ass the hell down off that horse right this second, I'm
going to kick the living piss out of you!' "
____________________________________________________
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Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 10:17:56 -0500
From: Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Mark Twain Quotes (3 of 3)
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly
in the long run.
The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer somebody else up.
Wrinkes should merely indicate where smiles have been.
Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must
have someone to divide it with.
Optimist: day-dreamer more elegantly spelled.
Happiness ain't a thing in itself-it's only a contrast with something that
ain't pleasant.
It is curious--curious that physical courage should be so common in the
world, and moral courage so rare.
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.
This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
A southerner talks music.
Do not put off till tomorrow what can be put off tull day-after-tomorrow just
as well.
Shut the door. Not that it lets in the cold but that it lets out the
cozyness.
"Classic." A book which people praise and don't read.
There are three kinds of lies: lies, dammed lies, and statistics.
Get your facts first...then you can distort 'em as much as you please.
Against the assult of laughter nothing can stand.
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Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 09:49:33 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Key To Bondage (kinky)
Thanks to:"Maurizio Mariotti" <mariotti@iafrica.com>
ALL FUN AND GAMES
London - Fire-fighters thought they had caught an escaped convict
when a man walked into their station in handcuffs, a military uniform
and covered in mud, a fire spokesman said yesterday.
But a call to his girlfriend revealed the embarrassed "prisoner" had
been "having a bit of fun" with her when the key went missing, said
station officer Mick Rowlands at Kidderminster fire station,
Worchestershire, in central England. (Sapa-AFP)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(A military uniform? Has black studded leather gone out of fashion?)
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Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 11:22:30 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Pinocchio
One night, Pinnochio's girlfriend says to him, "This stinks. Every time
we make love I get splinters." So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his
advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper, my boy, that's all you need."
A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says, "So how are you
doing with the girls now?" Pinnochio says, "Who needs girls?"
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Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 13:28:34 -0700
From: Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Star Trek Fan
(http://acm.org/~cgrosvenor/1980/partrek.html)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Star Trek Fan
Sung to the tune of "Sharp Dressed Man" by ZZ Top, parody lyrics by Chris
Pyhtila
Starfleet uniform
A signed photograph of Michael Dorn
Tricorder at my side
Wore black when Roddenberry die-yie-yied!
They run away just as fast as they can
Cause ev'ry girl's frightened of a Star Trek Fan
Bowl cut, pointed ears
Been speakin Klingon for eleven years
Com link, Federation pin
I'm steppin out to a convention again
I surf the Internet as much as I can
'Cause that's the place you'll find a lot of Star Trek Fans
The episodes I memorized
I call my car the Starship Enterprise
My dates don't seem to work
Maybe I act too much...like Captain Kiiiirk
I guess that I should get a different plan
I don't have a life cause I'm a Star Trek Fan
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Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 15:39:11 -0500
From: Robert Bragner <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: More defs -- even more off to lawyers
LAWYER: A human being constructed like a fair die [the singular of
"dice", look it up] in that as he [or she, let's not be sexist
about this] is equally likely to lie on any side.
LAWYER: One skilled in circumvention of the law.
... ambrose... bierce... devil... dictionary
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Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 16:42:48 -0500
From: C and R <carbro@BIT-NET.COM>
Subject: the farm hand <Adult, off. to transvestites>
There was a woman who lived on a farm...her husband had died about a year
before, and she couldn't manage the farm on her own. She hired a
farmhand....things were working out well...He could handle all of the farm
animals well, knew how to do all the repairs, and kept the place in
excellent shape. One night he was out late, and when he got back to the
farm the widow called him into the bedroom. She said "take off my dress",
and he did.....Now take off my shoes...He does as she ask. Now take off my
bra and panties...he does. And the widow says "IF YOU EVER GO INTO TOWN
WEARING MY CLOTHES AGAIN, YOU'RE FIRED" :->
P.S. A few years ago, I saw a parity on the 12 days of christmas....where a
woman is writing to "John" thanking him each day for the gifts that he was
sending...and she was becoming more and more annoyed as the days went
on....does anyone have a copy of this? and if so can they send it to me? it
would be greatly appricated if you could. Thanks!!!!! <smile>
our home page
http://www.bit-net.com/~carbro
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Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 17:13:26 -0500
From: William E. Grover <g7718769@IDT.NET>
Subject: Ventriloquist (offensive to rednecks)
A ventriloquist from New York took his act on the road to Mississippi.
After about twenty minutes of performing joke after joke about rednecks
a good ol' boy in the audience stood up and said, "I'm damn tired of you
yankees makin' fun of us southern folks and always tryin' to make us
look stupid. If you don't stop it right now I'm going to come up there
and shut you up!" The ventriloquist said,"Take it easy buddy, they're
just jokes." The redneck replied, "You stay out of this...I'm talkin'
to that little loudmouth on your lap!"
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Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 14:49:49 PDT
From: Mark Huth <mhuth@RODGERS.RAIN.COM>
Subject: Scientists support legend of St. Nicolas
Sent to me last Christmas season
============================================
Is There a Santa Claus?
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000
species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of
these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying
reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT
since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and
Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378
million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average
(census)rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million
homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he
travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6
visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household
with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of
the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the
remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left,
get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the
next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed
around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the
purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking
about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles,
not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every
31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is
moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For
purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the
Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a
conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego
set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting
Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land,
conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting
that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal
amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need
214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the
weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this
is four times the weight of the Rosanne.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous
air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of
reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second.
Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously,
exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in
their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26
thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to
centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound
Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of
his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, but he is one
amazing guy.
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Date: Thu, 4 Dec 1997 09:22:04 -0500
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Surd-Times : The HairCut
A surd goes to a barber shop wearing headphones.
He tells the hairdresser:
"Cut my hair please, but do not remove the headphones."
The hairdresser does his job but needs to get under the headphones to
finish his work. He removes the headphones thinking that the surd
will never even notice.
The surd falls to the floor, chokes, turns blue and dies.
The hairdresser picks up the headphones to see what he was listening
to and hears: "Breath In, Breath Out, Breath In, Breath Out....."
Chalapathi :O)
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Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 22:53:50 EST
From: Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Half-witted observations about the lives we live
In certain ways, Iraq is more civilized than we are. For example, if
you get caught making a left turn at night while it's raining and
you have no lights on, and you don't use a turn signal, they cut off
your hands. Now that's the kind of law we could use in Atlanta.
We went out to eat, and my Dad said, "No wonder nobody comes here. It
is too crowded."
In the building I work in there is an elevator with a button that
says, "Press for Emergency." So I guess when I want an emergency, I
just press it.
I had to quit dating the girl at the bank cause I found out she was a
teller.
A holiday tip: Never spend Thanksgiving with a vegetarian-feminist who
thinks women shouldn't help prepare meals. Better to ask the bums for
dinner.
The news story said young people will learn valuable job skills
working seasonal jobs in retail stores. Skills like how to not use
the phrases, "May I help you?" or "Thank you."
He's old, sick, a liar, a thief, a murderer, and a lifelong drain on
the taxpaying public. Sure, James Earl Ray is my number one candidate
for an organ transplant, an even better choice than Mickey Mantle.
I'm not into rare paintings. I like mine well-done.
I went to the fights and a Jerry Springer show broke out.
I got one of those tools with 21 different functions, but I haven't
found a use for it yet.
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent/
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Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 16:37:48 -0600
From: Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: MICROSOFT Acquires Christmas
NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus
Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite
from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the
deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and
other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to
millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.
The announcement also included a notice that beginning Dec 9, 1997,
Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This
unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court.
Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and
vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to
all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due
before Halloween, will be very strict.
When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been
working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for
some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate
benefits. We'll use it first for the next release of Windows and Office
98."
In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless
video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and
red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 97 trademark,
leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.
Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step
is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. This will
take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued,
"our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 98. It will be
bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows 95
users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[98]
as early as November first."
Christmas 97 is scheduled for release in December of 1997, though one
unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and
may slip into the first half of 1998. An economist at Goldman Sachs
explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the
nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for
filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that
was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With
Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which
are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the
economy over the year."
When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that
"Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not
all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a
good long-term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may
not be in the plans.
Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official
confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature."
Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is
looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and
services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in
Redmond.
A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for
comment.
____________________________________________
Antonio Oliveros Fernandez.
oliveros@mail.internet.com.mx
http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839
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