Digest for Friday, January 02, 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 264 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- The bank (adult sexual content)
- Men at Work
- The Sound of Natural Music
- Santas Nuts! (clean)
- The price of technology
- [Fwd: Cinderella (adult)]
- Kiddy lighbug joke
- things that make ya think
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Date: Fri, 2 Jan 1998 11:28:12 +0200
From: Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: The bank (adult sexual content)
A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind
the counter and shouts "open the safe!" "But this is not a real bank"
the woman replies "it's a sperm bank." "Open the safe or I'll shoot!"
the man shouts. The woman, now terrified, opens the safe. "Now take
one of the bottles and drink it", he says. "But sir, these are sperm
samples!" the woman replies.
"Just drink it or I'll shoot!" The woman opens the bottle and drinks
the lot. "Now take another bottle and drink it" "But sir, I just drank
one" "Drink another one or I will shoot you" The woman has no
alternative and drinks a second bottle. When she has emptied it the
man now takes off his mask and the woman is surprised to see the
robber is her husband. "Now you see, honey", he says, "it isn't so
difficult now is it!"
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Date: Fri, 2 Jan 1998 05:19:11 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Men at Work <adult humor>
* It had taken him several months, but the exec had finally
persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his
leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.
"And just where have you been until this hour ?" demanded
his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.
"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."
- - - - -
* "Madam," said the irate conductor to a totally incompetent
woman cellist during rehearsal, "you have between your legs an
instrument that could give pleasure to thousands -- and all
you seem able to do is scratch it."
- - - - -
* Personally, I think the largest problem with the White House
under Clinton is that it's governed by the law of the bungle.
- - - - -
* When a man asked his doctor to arrange for a vasectomy, the
physician, in accordance with established medical practice,
asked the patient if he had discussed this with his wife.
"Yes, in fact I did. She suggested that we ask the kids
and they voted 6 to 2 in favor of the operation." he replied.
- - - - -
* There's just one thing that bugs me about this revolution."
confided the one radical to a fellow activist. "And that's
what's gonna happen to our unemployment checks when we over-
throw the government."
- - - - -
* Blacks aren't the only ones who cast disparaging remarks at
members of their own race who "go over to the establishment".
The American Indians call such men "Uncle Tom-Tom".
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy humor ? Visit me @
(jokes page) http://www.mindspring.com/~vibes/jimmy.htm
(jokes posted) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date: Fri, 2 Jan 1998 11:58:04 +0100
From: Theo Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: The Sound of Natural Music <no off.>
Q: Why do farts smell ?
A: So deaf people can enjoy them as well.
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Date: Fri, 2 Jan 1998 15:10:24 +0200
From: Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Santa's Nuts! (clean)
The Top 18 Signs the Santa at the Mall is Nuts
18> Shaves head and beard, then insists on being called "Santa Kurtz."
17> Tells kids about the comparative kill ratio of the AK-47 over the Daisy
Air Rifle.
16> Those nasty chewing tobacco streaks in his beard.
15> Has a complimentary tray of North Pole "Tundra Oysters" ready for the
toddlers.
14> After every child's request, asks, "Wouldn't you rather have a nice big
bag of clams?"
13> The twinkle in his eye and the twitch of his nose are due to a lack of
medication.
12> Every so often, snaps into a Slim Jim and growls, "You've been bad and
now you're going down, punk!"
11> Actually enjoys it when small children urinate on his lap.
10> Promises children O.J. will be cleared of all wrongdoing.
9> Caught drinking red wine with fish during break.
8> "Hey kid, bet I can wet my pants faster than you can!"
7> Insists on blowing his nose in children's hair.
6> Despite massive photographic evidence to the contrary, claims to have
never worn white gloves or shiny black boots.
5> That snowy beard? Nothin' but nose hair.
4> Answers every child's toy request with "Dream on, PeeWee!"
3> When a child wets on his lap, he returns the favor.
2> Instead of a candy cane, gives each kid a pack of Marlboros and a
homemade venison pie.
1> While it's admittedly a nifty trick, blowing smoke rings out of his
tracheotomy hole is just scaring the hell out of the kiddies.
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Date: Fri, 2 Jan 1998 08:44:28 -0500
From: Narasimhan, Seshadri <NarasimhanS@BERNSTEIN.COM>
Subject: The price of technology <not off.>
Friday January 2 6:32 AM EST
Mobile Bone Shock As Phone Rings Inside Dog
LONDON (Reuters) - A baffled British woman who lost a mobile phone
dialed the number and heard it ringing inside her friend's dog.
Rachel Murray, 27, had left the cellphone under her Christmas tree as a
surprise gift for her flatmate, The Sun newspaper reported on Friday.
But chum Tony Dangerfield's bloodhound Charlie crept into the room and
greedily wolfed down the mobile phone, leaving only a pile of torn
paper.
After a frantic search for the phone, Murray obtained the number from
the telephone company, dialed and heard muffled ringing from sleeping
Charlie's stomach.
"At first I thought Charlie was lying on the phone -- then I realized
where it was," she said. "I couldn't believe he'd swallowed it."
The dog was rushed to a vet, who advised Murray and Dangerfield to let
nature take its course.
Twenty four hours later the phone duly emerged -- in perfect working
order. ^REUTERS@
* Sai
X5098
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Date: Fri, 2 Jan 1998 14:09:15 -0800
From: Larry Barnes <lbarnes@MUSIC.TRANSY.EDU>
Subject: [Fwd: Cinderella (adult)]
> Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't
> let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother
> appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs
> to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First you must wear a
> diaphram." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You
> must be home by 2am. Any later, and your diaphram will turn into a
> pumpkin."
> Editor's note: Ouch!
> Cinderella agrees to be home by 2.
> The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.
> Finally, at 5 a.m. Cinderella shows up looking love-struck and "very"
> satisfied.
> "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother.
> "Your diaphram was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!"
> "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
> "I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?"
> "I can't remember, exactly.... Peter, Peter something or other..."
>
--
************************************
Dr. Larry J. Barnes
Associate professor of music
Transylvania University, Lexington, KY 40508
lbarnes@mail.transy.edu
************************************
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Date: Fri, 2 Jan 1998 16:18:10 EST
From: Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Kiddy lighbug joke
How many lightbugs does it take to light up a room?
Just one if she flips a light switch!
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Date: Fri, 2 Jan 1998 17:26:20 -0800
From: Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: things that make ya think
> Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you.
> Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.
>
> How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest, but always
> ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
>
> If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did MRS. HOWELL have so many
> clothes?
>
> Why does SOUR CREAM have an Expiration date?
>
> Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in
> adultery?
>
> Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
>
> Why do we wait until a PIG is dead, to "CURE" it?
>
> Why do we wash BATH TOWELS--aren't we clean when we use them?
>
> Why doesn't GLUE stick to the inside of the bottle?
>
> Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
>
> What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?
>
> If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
>
> Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
>
> When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
>
> What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating
> an endangered plant?
>
> Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
> will clean them?
>
> If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
> remain silent?
>
> If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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