Digest for Sunday, January 04, 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 472 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Joke Clean: Mill Town
- Night train to Frankfurt
- Not the brightest
- Humor - Bumbling Crooks (1st of 3 )
- traveling salesmen (a tad offensive to the religious on the list)
- Cameron Column #59 (clean)
- More ole brickbats
- Rejected Dr.Seuss Books
- The World really is a Strange Place
- Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies
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Date: Sat, 3 Jan 1998 23:47:16 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Joke Clean: Mill Town
Lowell, Massachusetts, is an old New England Mill town. Many
of the Mills have been declared National Historical Sites
and are included in a Federal Park. The problem was what to
do with the other mills, and how to attract more tourists to
the area. One bright young marketeer pointed out that
Germans like to travel with their dogs, and this was
difficult in the U.S. Why not make the mills into canine
hotels? he suggested. The plan was adopted on a trial basis,
but not without some skepticism. Several months later, the
skeptics approached the young man to ask how the experiement
was going. "Just listen!" he said. "The Mills are alive with
the hounds of Munich!"
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Date: Sun, 4 Jan 1998 03:34:59 -0500
From: janissary <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Night train to Frankfurt
One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got on the
train, he went straight to the ticket-man and said, "Sir. I really need you to
do me a favor, I have to get off this train in Mannheim, but I'm very tired
and I'm sure that I will fall asleep. So what I want you to do is to wake me
up in Mannheim because I have to close a business deal there and it is very
important for me. Here are 100 francs for the favor."
He continued by saying, "But I warn you, sometimes when people wake me up I
get really violent; but no matter what I do or say you got to get me off this
train in Mannheim. Is that clear?"
So the ticket-man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later the man fell asleep...
and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt!
He was so mad at the ticket-man that he ran over and started yelling:
"Are you STUPID or something? I paid you 100 francs to wake me up and get me
off at Mannheim. And you didn't! I want my money back!"
While the man was yelling, two other guys who were also on the train were
looking at them.
One looked at the other and said "Jeez, that guy is really pissed off!"
The other replied, "Yeah. He's almost as mad as the guy they made get off the
train at Mannheim last night."
--- ----------------------------------------------------------------
... /\ /\ Kanyak's Doghouse
... \ _"_ / Heybeliada, Istanbul, Turkey
... ( o o ) rlb@doruk.com.tr
...( 0 ) 2:43/0@fidonet.org
... (_/_\_) 2:433/240@fidonet.org
... U 8:100/156@hitnet.org
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Date: Sun, 4 Jan 1998 03:37:14 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Not the brightest <adult humor>
* Flustered and flushed, Carol sat in the witness chair. The
beautiful but somewhat empty-headed temptress had somehow been
found out and named by the wife as corespondent in a divorce.
"So... Miss [Jones], you admit that you went to a motel with
this man."
"Yes, but I couldn't help it. He deceived me. He told the
motel desk clerk that I was his wife."
- - - - -
* An attractive girl I know damn near ruined herself before she
discovered she had misunderstood her doctor's orders. She was
sure he'd said "three hearty males a day".
- - - - -
* The passionate young thang was having a difficult time getting
across to her football playing boyfriend what it was she wanted.
Finally, she said, "Would you like to see where I was operated
on for appendicitis ?"
"Hell no !" he replied. "I hate hospitals."
- - - - -
* A Senator in Washington was about to embark on a fact finding
junket in three states in the US. He asked a female staffer to
come along. Then realizing she might fear a scandal he told her,
"I have Senatorial immunity. You need not fear the Mann Act."
"Fear it ?" she giggled. "Why Senator, I just adore it."
- - - - -
* Returning home from the funeral of his beautiful wife, the new
widower was disconsolate.
"I know how deeply grieved you are." his best friend said. "But
you're young and will meet someone else."
"Yeah, I know, I know !" he wailed. "But what about tonight ?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy humor ? Visit me @
(jokes page) http://www.mindspring.com/~vibes/jimmy.htm
(jokes posted) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date: Sun, 4 Jan 1998 14:10:07 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Bumbling Crooks (1st of 3 )
Copied from Ann Landers column who received it from John Wherle, Graffiti
Magazine columnist.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bumbling crooks may need to enroll in Robbery 101.
Dear John Wehrle: Thanks for sending these on. They cracked me up. Here goe=
s:
=B7 A Florida man on trial for burglary said a sudden case of diabetes
caused him to break into a Boca Raton home. The accused's lawyer asked for
clemency, saying his client was driven insane by eating a bag of cotton
candy and shouldn't be held responsible for the crime. He offered no
explanation, however, for the numerous robberies his client had been
convicted of previously.
=B7 A burglar in New Jersey stuck a piece of paper in the lock at an office
building so he could sneak in later and rob it. The suspect was tracked
down after police found the paper. It was a parking ticket with the man's
name and address on it.
=B7 Police called to the scene of a holdup at a convenience store in Cocoa
Beach, Fla., were confronted by an armed male wearing black spandex shorts
and a yellow bra. It took several minutes for the thief to be captured
because the officers couldn't stop laughing long enough to arrest him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~=
~~
Note: Ann Landers is a syndicated advice columnist.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~=
~
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Date: Sun, 4 Jan 1998 15:43:03 EST
From: GKat86573 <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: traveling salesmen (a tad offensive to the religious on the list)
Levy, Levinsky, and Levin, 3 traveling salesmen, met on the train going
from New York to La. They quickly formed a close friendship and after awhile
called the porter over and requested a card table, a deck of cards and a
bottle of vodka. They paid for all these services, but they didn't give
George, the porter, a tip. Not even a dime. George, who was expecting a
sizable gratuity, was very annoyed.
"Man, them Jews are sho' stingy. The mo' I see of 'em, the mo' I believe
they really crucified Christ, " he said to a fellow porter.
During the long ride to California, the salesmen didn't alter their
daily routine. They would order a table, cards, drinks and never leave a tip.
But when the trian finally pulled into Los Angeles, Levy, Levinsky and
Levin each handed George a crisp $10 bill and thanked him for his excellent
service. George sought out his fellow porter and proudly displayed the $30.
"I gotta admit I made a mistake," he said. "Them Jews didn't kill Christ.
They jes' natch'ly worried him to death!"
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Date: Sun, 4 Jan 1998 18:52:28 +0200
From: Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Cameron Column #59 (clean)
Bruce Cameron writes some great, clean, family-style humor. You can
identify with this guy. To subscribe, follow the directions at the end...
--------------------
For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons
at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on
the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go
ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya,
who said she is a 26 year old aerobics instructor and
athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic
I was to get started.
DAY 1. They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress
this week. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it
when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's
something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She
showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the
treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think
just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points.
Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did
my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in
the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.
DAY 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made
it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the
air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little
wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it
all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT.
DAY 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain
that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long
as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a
little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club
members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why
would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me
live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
DAY 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full
snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long
just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance,
Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's
room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try
the rowing machine. It sank.
DAY 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my
body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be
a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya I don't
have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any
barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to
sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a
science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?
DAY 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I
am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven
straight hours of the weather channel.
DAY 7. Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over. Maybe next
time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth
drilling at the dentist's.
The Cameron Column, A Free Internet Newsletter - Copyright W. Bruce Cameron
1997 - To subscribe, mailto:majordomo@cwe.com - type "subscribe cameron" in
lower case as the first line in your message.
========================================
If you have a story to tell, or want to read those of people living all
over this great planet, then join the hottest new storytelling list on the
net. The only thing missing is you! Email to: majordomo@armchair.mb.ca
... in the BODY, type: subscribe bluedogsociete
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Date: Sun, 4 Jan 1998 16:30:29 EST
From: Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: More ole brickbats
You know you are getting old when the little old lady you are helping
cross the street is your wife.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I told her that I
wanted her to lose 40 lbs and buy me fishing equipment and golf
clubs. Now she's left me and I don't understand why.
Sounds like that guy lost about 165 lbs, perhaps now he can buy
his fishing equipment and golf clubs.
If a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, my brother-in-law is in
no danger.
The church member asked the preacher if a contribution of $10,000
would get him into heaven. The preacher said, "It's worth a try."
Do home schoolers get a class picture?
To the people who leave their buggies in the check-out line while
finishing their grocery shopping: It's me who puts the extra items in
there.
My son asked me if I had a rap name. I told him he could call me
"Cocoa Puff Daddy."
I just finished a book on levitation. I couldn't put it down!
A new study just released shows that "DEATH" is the number one
killer.
Why isn't there any mouse-flavored cat food?
Business owners who used the word X-mas are not PC. They should
have used $-mas instead.
Hey parents. Tell your kids to grow up to be meteorologists. It's the
only job where you can be wrong 90% of the time and not get fired.
Dilbert and Cathy should date. Dilbert has no mouth and is therefore
perfect for her.
It's not real love until you let your girlfriend use your toothbrush.
I hope your life is like a roll of toilet paper. Long and useful.
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Date: Sun, 4 Jan 1998 10:35:25 -0500
From: Don Chesnel <dches@CONCENTRIC.NET>
Subject: Rejected Dr.Seuss Books <sexual content, offensive language>
One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
Fox in Detox
Who Shat in the Hat?
Horton Hires a Ho
The Flesh-Eating Lorax
How the Grinch stole Columbus Day
Your Colon Can Moo--Can You??
Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
The Cat in the Blender
Marvin K. Mooney, get the fuck out!
Are You My Proctologist?
Yentl the Lentil
My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket!
Aunts in my Pants
Oh, The Places you'll Scratch and Sniff!
Horton Fakes An Orgasm
The Grinch's Ten Inches!
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Date: Sun, 4 Jan 1998 17:40:40 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The World really is a Strange Place
> ************************************************************
> Edupage, 4 January 1998. Edupage, a summary of news about information
> technology, is provided three times a week as a service by Educom, a
> Washington, D.C.-based consortium of leading colleges and universities
> seeking to transform education through the use of information technology.
SNIP, SNIP,...
> ************************************************************
> Edupage is written by John Gehl (gehl@educom.edu) and Suzanne Douglas
> (douglas@educom.edu). Telephone: 770-590-1017
> ************************************************************
SNIP, SNIP,...
> Edupage ... is what you've just finished reading. To subscribe to Edupage:
> send mail to: listproc@educom.unc.edu with the message: subscribe edupage
> David Brinkley (if your name is David Brinkley; otherwise, substitute your
> own name). To unsubscribe send a message to: listproc@educom.unc.edu with
> the message: unsubscribe edupage. (If you have subscription problems, send
> mail to manager@educom.unc.edu.)
>
> Today's Honorary Subscriber is David Brinkley, the television journalist
> and commentator who recently retired after a career that spanned five
> decades and included participation in the Huntley-Brinkley Report, the NBC
> Nightly News, and This Week With David Brinkley. Among the many short, wry
> essays he delivered to conclude the last-mentioned show was this one,
> written in 1995:
> "I have no idea what to say about this, so I will briefly give the
> facts. In the Oklahoma state prison a man sentenced to death for murder was
> to be executed in a few hours. He said while he waited he would like to
> take a nap. That alone was bizarre enough -- sleeping through his last
> hours of life. But when the prison guards came to wake him up, he was out,
> unconscious. He had taken an overdose of something, apparently in a suicide
> attempt. They rushed him to a hospital, had him revived, then brought him
> back to the prison, where they executed him.
> "This is not nineteenth-century Italian opera. It is twentieth-century
> truth."
> (From: David Brinkley, "Everyone Is Entitled To My Opinion," Ballantine Books)
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Date: Sun, 4 Jan 1998 23:04:56 -0500
From: Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at
least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St.
Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit
level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control
tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place : No-one will
ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of
the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -even
if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake
of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be
necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer
beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming
art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will
wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before
long.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill just
grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in
the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you
should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises
in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter
Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every
morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him
48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of
our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone
conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the
steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so
you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know
all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication
systems of any invading alien civilization (especially a Macintosh snicker,
snicker!!)).
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one
by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their
predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will
never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or
alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they
are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -unless
it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting
damage to an eight year old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects this one
personally at that precise moment.
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