Digest for Monday, January 05, 1998
There are 12 messages totalling 510 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Corporal Punishment
- Joke Clean: The Sick Chicken
- Love Potion
- Tips for Cultists 1 of 4
- Moore Quickies
- Ill do anything you want
- Butt Out!
- IN NEED OF A DRINK
- Vents: Ironic observation, self-disclosures, and silly question
- Good bye letter
- Crying Husband
- An American In China
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Date: Mon, 5 Jan 1998 12:53:35 -0500
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Corporal Punishment <adult>
Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far eastern
country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless
remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.
Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and
are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to recieve 50
lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family
doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests
in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.
Mrs. Mueller is first.
"What do you wish for yourself?"
"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings."
"Okay, that shall be granted to you."
Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her
punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner
also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.
Next it is Mueller's mother-in-law's turn.
"What do you wish for yourself?"
"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my
back before the lashings."
"Okay, that shall be granted to you."
The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the
pain through the pillows.
Then comes Mueller himself.
"What do you wish for yourself?"
"I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?"
"Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your
wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable."
"I would like 100 lashes instead of 50."
The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and
replies,"Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you.And
what is your second wish?"
"I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."
Chalapathi
And More Of His
Four Line
Signatures! :-)
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Date: Sun, 4 Jan 1998 23:56:32 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Joke Clean: The Sick Chicken
Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming.
Each was devoted to the search for ultimate wisdom, but they
differed greatly on how it was to be found. One day their
pet chicken fell ill, began to moult, and soon lost all of
its feathers! The brothers decided that this would be an
ideal test case and agreed to each spend two months trying
to cure the chicken. Hing immediately went back to the
university. Having boned up on ornithology and traditional
Chinese medicine, he decided that the answer was a
prescription of gum-tree leaf tea. He gathered bushels of
the tea leaves, brewed gallons of the tea, and poured it
into the chicken for the two months.
Meanwhile, Ming traveled all around China, praying at the
shrines of his ancestors. One night he had a dream. His
ancestors appeared and told him to feed the chicken tea made
from gum-tree leaves!!! Ming, aware of his brother's lack of
success, decided that the problem was quantity. He gathered
whole cartloads of leaves, and brewed barrels of the tea,
and poured them into the chicken for the two months. At the
end of the time, the poor chicken was still as naked as a
bowling ball.
Moral: All of Hing's courses, and all of Ming's kin;
couldn't make gum tea refeather a hen!
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Date: Mon, 5 Jan 1998 10:15:23 +0200
From: Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Love Potion <teenage sex>
A fellow goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls
are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have
something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of a
party."
The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty
bottle and says, "This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it,
and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let
me know how it goes."
The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes
to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step.
The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was
your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick, I need Deep Heat (a muscle
pain relief). The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all
weekend,
says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is
way too sensitive." The guy says, "Oh, no, no! It's not for that; it's
for my arm."
Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"
Guy replies, "Well... I drank the whole bottle of your potion."
Pharmacist: "Oh my God! Then what?!?"
The guy, "The girls..... Ah... Er... Well... The girls never showed
up."
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Date: Mon, 5 Jan 1998 11:57:16 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Tips for Cultists 1 of 4 <adult and off. to religious people>
In medieval times, people suspected of belonging to a cult, after
making a spontaneous confession with the help of red-hot pokers, were
burned at the stake on the public square, for the edification of the
unwashed masses. The good news is that these days you can belong to a
cult without being subject to those forms of cruel and unusual
punishment. This is called progress. The bad news is that demons have
not changed over the centuries; do NOT expect New Age creatures that
will engage you in polite conversation, tell you amusing anecdotes and
witty jokes that you will post to HUMOR, passing them off as your own.
The following hints and tips and general remarks are meant to help
cultists avoid the most common pitfalls.
* Pick one cult and stay with it. Only amateurs move from one
cult to another.
* Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct
pronunciation of your deity's name in the privacy of your own room
before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful.
* Neophytes should never invoke anything bigger than their heads.
* Even expert conjurers should not invoke anything with fangs, claws
and tentacles, in any combination.
* If the creature that you have summoned looks like Demi Moore,
starts stripping and invites you to step out of the pentagram,
DON'T. Use common sense: a) demons change shape easily and b) do you
seriously believe that Demi Moore digs nerdish cultists?
(More...)
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Date: Mon, 5 Jan 1998 05:10:49 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Moore Quickies <adult humor>
* Personally, I've always thought of a chaperone as a person too
old to make the team, but still in there intercepting passes.
- - - - -
* And a word to the ladies about their appearance. Seems to me,
it's far more important to have your "no's" fixed before you
worry about fixing your "nose".
- - - - -
* Just took another of those inane "Is Your Marriage A Success"
tests. As usual, a "Did you ever cheat on your wife" question
was on it. I mean, "DUH !"... who else am I gonna cheat on ?
- - - - -
* Girls who look good in the best places generally get taken there.
- - - - -
* Most of the time, your conscience doesn't really keep ya from
doing anything wrong. It just prevents you from enjoying the
experience to the fullest extent.
- - - - -
* When ya think about it, the only thing men can look down on and
approve of at the same time is a plunging neckline.
- - - - -
* An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage and kids.
A pessimist is a married man with kids.
- - - - -
* So often I find a woman's kisses leave something to be desired --
Like the rest of her, for example.
- - - - -
* The best way to approach a woman with a past is with a present.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy humor ? Visit me @
(jokes page) http://www.mindspring.com/~vibes/jimmy.htm
(jokes posted) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date: Mon, 5 Jan 1998 13:59:50 +0200
From: Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: I'll do anything you want <adult sexual connotations>
I hope I'm not infringing any copyrights with this, I'm Xtremely sorry
if I am.......NOT!
I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT
- Submitted by Marita Pergler
------------------------------------
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an
exceptionally
gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man
could
not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his
overly-attentive
stare & walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman
said to him, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me
to do, no
matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.'
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want
me to do in just three words.'
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet
from
his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into
the young
woman's hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said,
'Paint my house.'
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Date: Mon, 5 Jan 1998 08:40:39 -0500
From: Lee_Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Butt Out! <not offensive>
This just came in from my friend Juan
Seems there was this preacher's wife who decided along with her husband
that they really had to save more and spend less starting in the New Year.
Well, she went shopping and found the dress of her dreams. It cost way
too much, but she had to have it. When she showed it to her husband, he
exclaimed: "After all we said about spending less money, how could you?"
She replied, "The devil made me do it." "Didn't you tell him 'Get thee
behind me, Satan' "? asked the exasperated preacher.
"I certainly did", she replied, "but he said: 'It really looks great from
the back!!!!!' ".
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Date: Mon, 5 Jan 1998 09:08:23 EST
From: Cyn MacG <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: IN NEED OF A DRINK <inoff>
DOUBLE VODKA
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double
vodka."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back,
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double
vodkas.
The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
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Date: Mon, 5 Jan 1998 11:14:25 EST
From: Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Vents: Ironic observation, self-disclosures, and silly question
No, I don't think you can blame the dramatic drop-off in your sex
life on El Ni-o. Nintendo, maybe.
New Year's resolution -- lose 20 pounds, quit cigarettes, and start
jogging. But then I would probably get run over by a fat,
cigar-smoking truck driver.
What is wrong with Spam? Fried Spam = G.I. steak.
Sir Elton? What next? Dame Madonna?
Why do your parents know how to push your buttons so well? Because
they are the ones who installed them in the first place.
I received a nice shirt for Christmas, but it had a puzzling message
on the wrapper: "Guaranteed To Last The Life of The Garment."
To the grandmother who got a gun safe for Christmas, consider
yourself lucky. I received a toilet seat!
I solved the seat up, seat down controversy at my house by installing
urinals.
There are lots of songs about love, there are lots of songs about
sex. How come there are no songs about changing dirty diapers?
To the attractive single woman who wrote looking for a good man: I'm
a good single man, and I'm as close as your phone. If I happen to be
visiting my parole officer or attending an AA meeting, my mother will
take your message.
Selected from: http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent/
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Date: Mon, 5 Jan 1998 17:11:45 +0000
From: Ken Keller <rkeller@COM1.MED.USF.EDU>
Subject: Good bye letter
>Saying goodbye to the 90's way
(Possibly offensive to women)
>>
>> Men often find blowing off a woman the most difficult part of the dating
>> process. The closest they ever come to telling a woman it's over is to look
>> her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." But there is now
>> a great way to blow a woman off. It's safe, it's affordable and the best
>> thing is the female has no opportunity to throw things at you. It's at your
>> fingertips right now: E-mail. That's how all the happening, 90's kind of
>> guys are telling women they are not worthy. You'll feel like a real man
>> knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your
>> keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What
>> could be more painless?
>>
>> Following is an email rejection letter: Men can use it the next time they
>> need to put their main squeeze on notice. The text of the letter follows:
>>
>> Dear (her name),
>>
>> I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
>> contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably
>> aware, the
>> competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified
>> candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will,
>> however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.
>>
>> So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors,
>> please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the
>> competition:
>>
>> (men will check those that apply)
>>
>> _____Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay
>> for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic
>> economics.
>>
>> ______Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the
>> truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the
>> position.
>>
>> ______You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about
>> yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
>>
>> ______The only question you did ask was how much money I make.
>>
>> ______You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside
>> after I opened the passenger side door for you.
>>
>> ______My breasts are bigger than yours.
>>
>> ______Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should,
>> however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit
>> your application.
>>
>> ______Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's
>> this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.
>>
>> ______The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar and
>> danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and
>> have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.
>>
>> ______Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend
>> to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows
>> compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.
>>
>> ______Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance
>> to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom so
>> it would be "just like college" seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.
>>
>> ______I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
>>
>> Sincerely,
>>
>>
>>
>> (Your name)
R. Kennedy Keller, Ph.D.
Professor
Dept. of Biochemistry and Molecular Biology
University of South Florida College of Medicine
Tampa, FL 33612
Phone and FAX: 813-974-5167
email: Rkeller@com1.med.usf.edu
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Date: Sun, 4 Jan 1998 10:41:00 -0600
From: Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Crying Husband
From: Jim Miller <satsang@usa.net>
A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband
missing from the bed. She got up from bed and began checking around
the house for him. As she neared the stairs she could hear sobbing
coming from the basement.
After turning the light on and descending the stairs, she found her
husband all curled up in the fetal position crying and sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, obviously concerned about what
could be bothering him so much.
He answered, "Don't you remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant
and your father said that he would have me put in jail if I didn't
marry you?"
"Yes, of course I remember, but what's that got to do with you
crying?" she replied .
The husband answers, "I would have been released from jail today!"
-=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com
---
. SPEED 2.00 #1157 . Vegetarians eat vegetables - Beware of humanitarians!
----
The Lunatic Fringe * Richardson, TX * 972-235-5288
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Date: Tue, 6 Jan 1998 09:54:31 -0500
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: An American In China <clean>
An American received a fax from the brother of his good friend in
China saying that he had had a serious accident and was in the hospital.
The American immediately flew to Beijing to be by his friend's side
at his time of need.
As he was standing next to his bed, the Chinese said in a very excited voice
"CHU CHEE CHEN ...... CHU CHEE CHEN .... CHU CHEE CHEN"
and finally passed away.
Very puzzled by his friend's final words he went to the Brother and
asked,what does CHU CHEE CHEN (whatever)means.
With tears in his eyes, the brother replied:-
"'He was saying : Take your foot off the oxygen hose!'"
Chalapathi
And More Of His
Four Line
Signatures! :-)
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