Digest for Tuesday, January 06, 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 391 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Humor Clean: Procrastinators Creed
- Jan 6: The 12th Day of Christmas
- Tips for Cultists 2 of 4
- Chinese & Jew (not off)
- 10 silly questions and ironic observations
- Get your goat. Barnyard/bestiality humor
- The Powerbook that Leaked
- Stupid People (off. to Stupids)
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Date: Mon, 5 Jan 1998 22:58:42 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Humor Clean: Procrastinator's Creed
You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free
time.
PROCRASTINATOR'S CREED
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have
been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or
find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of
consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in propoartion
to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to recieve
from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possiblity for
new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve
from my obligations.
6. I truely believe that all deadlines are unreasonable
regardless of the amount of time given.
7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I
decide to change my mind.
9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first
step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about
forever.
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Date: Tue, 6 Jan 1998 03:48:26 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Jan 6: The 12th Day of Christmas
'Twas the last day of Christmas, and all through the house
The new PC's not running, and the dog chewed up the mouse
The Maalox is all gone, the Aspirin's been lost
Lord knows just what this season will cost
It's finally the 12th day of Christmas this year
The eggnog's been drunk, and I'm outta beer
The new toys are scattered all over the place
I'd better start buying batteries by the case
Epiphany -- the day the Magi finished their trip
On camels they came, the famous desert ship
And started all this, with the gifts they'd bought
Remembrances, so their visit wouldn't be for naught
Wise Men they've been called, but I'm not so sure
Even they were aware how the tradition would endure
Or how early we're start to honor Christmas Day
The trees are up before the pumpkins are put away
I still find it odd to hear "Silent Night" sung
And see festive lights and wreaths neatly hung
Before the Thanksgiving turkey is even sliced
To the stores for shopping we're all enticed
"Shop Early", "Buy More", cry the merchants with glee
Pile up tons of presents under your tree
Get in that car -- hurry out to the Mall
Now dash away... dash away... dash away all
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky
So out to the stores the consumers they flew
To see the raindeer and Saint Nicholas too
And then, in a twinkling, I heard in the shops
The frantic cries of all the Moms and Pops
Looking for the perfect toys for their lil' elves
And the clerks saying: "It's all on the shelves"
The Visa's 'bout maxed before November is over
Mother is frazzled, and Daddy's barely sober
And there's still three weeks til Christmas Day
"%&#$!@%#@* Magi !" I heard many a shopper say
Kids' eyes -- how they twinkled... their dimples how merry
Their cheeks were like roses, their noses like a cherry
Their drooling lil' mouths were drawn up like bows,
As they stared at the toys -- rows upon rows
The live tree, fresh bought, is now staring to droop
Needles on the floor are removed with a scoop
Even Santa looks tried as a kid climbs on his lap
He looks like he wants a cig, a shot and a nap
But at last the big day did finally dawn
Wrapping paper's all over -- even covering the lawn
Mommie loved her iron, Daddy raved over his tie
Dinner's all over, even ate all the pie
Twelve days then followed -- some merry, some bright
Some parties were dull, others lasted 'til first light
Now the liquor's all gone, the house is a mess
The saving account's busted; checking -- even less
And so my friends, Christmas is done for a year
'Cept for bills to pay, and the collectors to fear
As the Magi exclaimed, ere there rode out of sight
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy humor ? Visit me @
(jokes page) http://www.mindspring.com/~vibes/jimmy.htm
(jokes posted) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date: Tue, 6 Jan 1998 12:18:51 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Tips for Cultists 2 of 4 <adult and off. to religious people>
* Avoid all esoteric jewellery over ten pounds in weight -- it attracts
unwelcome attention from muggers, policemen, various supernatural
creatures and can be and are downright dangerous during
thunderstorms.
* Avoid using coloured candles in rituals. I cannot stress this
enough. Pastel-coloured candles in the shape of cute animals are
like beacons to the weirdest demons.
* Never make flippant remarks to a demon ("Hey, Belial, you look like
hell, ha ha."). It may retort with its own brand of humour, like tearing
your limbs apart.
* Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver
knife, service revolver, garlic, taxi fare, condoms, and change.
* When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the High Priest.
Enraged demons always go for the pompous.
* If a demon promises you untold riches in exchange for your body,
ask for an advance --- freeloading sex fiends abound.
* If the entity you summoned offers you its soul in return for money,
chances are that you got your summoning spell backwards.
* Never summon Surd demons; they will shatter your mind with (ab)Surd
jokes (ask Max).
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Date: Tue, 6 Jan 1998 11:25:55 +0200
From: Mohamed El-Nadi <itf@INTOUCH.COM>
Subject: Chinese & Jew (not off)
A chinese guy sat down at the bar and said to the person next to him, hi my
name's wong, and i'm chinese. the guy says my name's goldberg, and i'm jewish
and i hate chinese!
You hate chinese......
Why?
Cause they bombed pearl harbor!
Chinese didn't bomb pearl harbor, the japanese bombed pearl harbor!
Chinese, japanese, what's the difference!
Well i hate jews! you hate jews....
Why?
Cause you sunk the titanic!
No we didn't, an iceberg sunk the titanic .....
Iceberg, goldberg, what's the difference?
Mohamed El-Nadi
mailto:mnadi@usa.net
http://nadi.home.ml.org
"I once had a life... now I have the Internet..."
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Date: Tue, 6 Jan 1998 08:58:59 EST
From: Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: 10 silly questions and ironic observations
If you got into trouble with the law and had the police department
from Boulder, you wouldn't need the judgte from Massachusetts and a
jury from Los Angeles.
If a man says something pig-headed, and there isn't a woman in the
room to slap him upside the head, will he know he's wrong?
I ordered a baked potato the other evening and the waitress asked me
how I wanted it cooked.
No one appreciates the value of constructive criticism more than the
one who's giving it.
My wife and I are getting a divorce, and she wants custody of the
dog. She said I could have visitation privileges if I pay dog
support.
It was a lovely day. My husband cooked a delicious dinner and did the
dishes. Then I woke up.
Baby boomers seem as if they can't stop talking about themselves.
Do you think the dramatic drop off in my sex life is caused by El
Nino?
No matter how good you think she is, or how beautiful you think she
is, there's still some guy out there that's just so tired of her.
American journalists: Is the accidental death of Sonny Bono really
the most important news?
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Date: Tue, 6 Jan 1998 13:14:13 -0500
From: janissary <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Get your goat. Barnyard/bestiality humor
A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a
charge of bestiality. "I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but
he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a good jury. I know another
lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and
really knows how to pick a jury."
The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediatley had second thoughts
when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony. "I saw Jed mount his
goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn
around and lick Jed's pecker."
The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal
when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a
good goat _will_ do that."
--- Bob
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Date: Tue, 6 Jan 1998 21:12:23 +0200
From: Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The Powerbook that Leaked
(a true story, credit not attached to my copy)
In 1993, sometime in December, a customer walks in with a dead
PowerBook 165. Fault description: hangs on startup. An additional symptom
provided was: whilst being carried from the customer's site to our service
center, a 'sloshing' noise was heard within the machine.
"Has anything been spilt on this computer?" I inquired, but no,
nothing of the sort had happened, protested the client vehemently. Taking
this with a grain of salt (no-one's going to admit doing something that
totally invalidates their warranty and effectively wrecks their computer) I
went about filling in the repair order.
Back on the bench, I started the PowerBook up. Sure enough, an address
error on startup, just after 'Welcome to Macintosh'. I lowered my ear to
the keyboard, at which point I heard a crackling noise (couldn't hear any
sloshing noise though) and became aware of a rather 'sharp' odor which
seemed to emanate from the inside of the machine. Flicking the computer
off and unplugging the adapter, I removed the battery from it's
compartment, only to observe that the entire battery casing was soaked in a
fluid which appear to have a rainbow-like sheen (kind of like what a puddle
of soapy water would look like - oily and colorful). I also noticed that
the same fluid was leaking out of the battery compartment onto the static
mat, but appeared clear rather than multi-colored.
My first thoughts were that the battery had somehow leaked acid out
into the guts of the PowerBook, which would account for the sharp smell
(which reminded me of ammonia), yet the battery terminals were about the
one part of the battery that was dry. No, upon closer examination, I ruled
the acid theory out. The battery was wet, but not leaking.
Tipping the machine on it's side, I watched more fluid run out and
coagulate on the bench in a puddle about the size of a compact disc. It
was definitely clear, and I observed that the 'rainbow' effect had been
caused by the reaction of the plastic battery casing to this 'mystery
liquid'. I then unscrewed the computer and separated the two parts of the
PowerBook.
The smell suddenly became a LOT stronger. The hard disk looked like a
solid lump of rust, and the daughterboard appeared to have about three
barbecued chips. Although I was quickly forming my own opinions on what had
happened, I invited several of my workmates in to take a sniff and offer an
opinion. We were unanimous in our decision. I rang the customer, who
seemed surprised when I asked the question: "Do you have a cat?"
As it turned out, he didn't have a cat, but he *did* have a lovely
fluffy bunny rabbit who was seen in the vicinity of the PowerBook only the
day before. Yes, there was no doubt about it, little fluffy had hopped up
onto the keyboard and downloaded some incompatible data. I checked the
warranty form, but there was no provision for failure due to rabbit urine
anywhere. I advised the customer to get in touch with his insurance company.
In the end, the PowerBook was biffed and the customer upgraded to a
180c. I cleaned up the static mat and sprayed the service department with a
healthy dosage of "Fresh Field of Flowers". I checked in with the customer
about a week later, asked how was he enjoying the 180c, asked if he'd
managed to restore his data, and, of course, asked how was his rabbit?
"Delicious." he said.
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Date: Tue, 6 Jan 1998 19:41:44 -0700
From: Scotty <colliers@STUDENT.SUU.EDU>
Subject: Stupid People (off. to Stupids)
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport
hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
************************************************************
Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book
about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to
be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in
seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
************************************************************
A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in
the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting
beer cans off each other's head.
************************************************************
A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record
showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety
goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's
depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five
workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening
room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches
after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
************************************************************
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons,
setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
************************************************************
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by
the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded
the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
************************************************************
A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later
accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went
out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged.
Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to
the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
************************************************************
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a
metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy
machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police
pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't
telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the
suspect confessed.
************************************************************
When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to
hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to
call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police
and was arrested.
**************************************************
A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a
steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped
aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
***********************************************
Scott Collier
http://members.tripod.com/~scollier
scollier@homemail.com
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