Digest for Sunday, February 01, 1998
There are 12 messages totalling 557 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Not so Graceful Aging
- its the size that counts
- Sara Pipalini (adult content)
- Redneck Humour
- does anyone know what happen to the giggles list?
- Arent Kids Great?
- Clinton sex scandal: observations & questions
- Dumb blonde (offensive to blondes with no sense of humour)
- Toast (adult)
- White House Internship Recruitment
- The official drinking scale inoff.
- Hell
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Date: Sun, 1 Feb 1998 03:05:39 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Not so Graceful Aging
* Ya know... the older I get, the less I crave things I have to
stand in line for.
- - - - -
* Years ago, when my daughter was dating, she couldn't decide
what to get her boyfriend as a birthday present.
"Dad ?" she asked, "If you were going to be sixteen this
Thursday, what would you want ?"
"Not another thing." I sighed, "Not another damn thing."
- - - - -
* Trust me on this one -- you'll always stay young if you live
honestly, eat slowly, sleep sufficiently, work industriously,
worship faithfully, & of course, lie like hell about your age.
- - - - -
* So far, the ones who have been able to get the most out of Mrs
JimJr's and my middle-age years have been the Grandchildren.
- - - - -
* Social Security agent to applicant: "Sir, I'm sorry, feeling
sixty-five isn't enough; you must actually BE sixty-five.
- - - - -
* We've had a swimming pool for some time, now though I think I
watch the Grandkids play more than I do jump in with them. I
was wondering just this past summer though, when they stopped
making pool chairs that you could get up out of.
- - - - -
* Not-quite-so-young single Yuppette to a younger version: "At
my age, I no longer plan the future, I plot it !"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy humor ? Visit me @
(jokes page) http://www.qis.net/~jimjr ("QIS.NET")
(jokes posted) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date: Sun, 1 Feb 1998 06:26:58 EST
From: Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: it's the size that counts <risque>
A woman woke up and told her husband of her last night's dream. "I was at an
auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1000 and the tiny ones for $10."
Husband: " What about one my size?"
Wife: "Didn't get a bid!"
Hurt and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his wife he'd had a dream
too: "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's sold for $1000
and the loose ones for $10."
Wife: "What about ones like mine?"
Husband: "That's where they held the auction."
Share your stories! Read others'. Join NERDNOSH, the ORIGINAL electronic
campfire. Write "Majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org" with the command "Subscribe
Nerdnosh [your EMail address]"
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Date: Sun, 1 Feb 1998 07:36:44 -0800
From: Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: Sara Pipalini (adult content)
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St Peter
at the pearly gates. St Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful
lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be
anyone you want".
The first nun says "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone.
The second says "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.
The third says "I want to be Sara Pipalini".
St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't
ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St
Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her
and says "No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men'!"
--------------------------------------------------------
Rodney And Cathy's Joke List
Visit our web site at: http://www.rcjokelist.com
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Date: Sun, 1 Feb 1998 10:45:53 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Redneck Humour
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK, if this is how you define the following computer
terms:
LOG ON: Making the woodstove hotter
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood
MONITOR: Keepin an eye on that wood stove
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off'n the truk
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin that farwood downloaded
FLOPPY DISK: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thar thang whut splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when its cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when its blak fly season
BYTE: Whut them dang flys do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: Whuts left in th munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Ol Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Whur the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whur ya hang the dang keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastik forks and knifs
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf
PORT: Fancy Flatlander Wine
ENTER: Northern fer c'mon in y'all
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya caint member whut ya paid for yer new
rifle when yore wife asks.
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Date: Sun, 1 Feb 1998 08:30:18 -0800
From: Mark Panitz <az483@LAFN.ORG>
Subject: does anyone know what happen to the giggles list?
Does anyone know what happen to the other
humor list (called Giggles)
it seems it disappeared! why?
--
As Per US Code, Title 47, Chapter 5,Subchapter II 227
Unsolicited [JUNK MAIL] commercial advertising is NOT Welcome here
Mark Panitz
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Date: Sun, 1 Feb 1998 14:26:29 -0500
From: Joel Rosner <jhr18@COLUMBIA.EDU>
Subject: Aren't Kids Great?
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees
home phone number and was greeted with a childs whispered, "Hello?".
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the
boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?".
"Yes.", whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?", the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?".
"Yes.", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?".
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home
alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who
should be there watching over the child.
"Is there any one there besides you?", the boss asked the child.
"Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employees home, the boss
asked,"May I speak with the policeman?".
"No, he is busy.", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?", asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What
is that noise?".
"A hello-copper.", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just
landed the hello-copper!"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked,
"Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle,
"They are looking for me!"
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Date: Sun, 1 Feb 1998 19:46:25 EST
From: Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Clinton sex scandal: observations & questions
--Move over buddy! You have company in the White House dog house.
--Let me get this straight: Monica Kaczynski pled guilty mailing a
mail bomb in President Clinton's underwear from the Whitewater Hotel.
--The president is outraged that he has been caught with his pants
down again.
--Wait a minute now. Impeach Bill Clinton and get Al Gore.
Pass a new law that a president gets a full time mistress.
--Apparently, IT TAKES A VILLAGE to keep Bill Clinton satisfied.
--If Monica Lewinsky had a clone, would Clinton be in twice as much
trouble now?
--I bet Bill Clinton is glad he didn't ask Linda Tripp for a date!
--You want an explanation for the current Clinton sex
scandal: Linda asked him for a date, and Bill said he'd rather sleep
with Hillary.
--President Clinton was doing just fine until he got Tripped.
--Anyone who brags to a friend for 20 hours about their sex life with
a celebrity is verbalizing a fantasy.
--For the first time in my life, we have a president who's actually
interested in sex. Is this a bad thing?
--If Clinton resigns, they
should at least name a White House bedroom after him.
--Kenneth Starr has finally found a link between Whitewater and
Monica Lewinsky: They are both 24 years old.
--From an old Nixon-hater: If Tricky Dick had been accused of the
things Clinton is now faced with, we'd have said, "Thank goodness
he's finally showing some normal tendencies!"
--How ironic! No one in the world has a job as powerful as Bill
Clinton, yet he can't seem to have an affair, like the rest of us,
without the whole world knowing.
--The same people who said Nixon was innocent are now saying Clinton
is guilty.
--I predict there will be a new movie: "All The President's Women."
--If Clinton would have been with TWO women at the same time in the
White House he wouldn't be in trouble right now. All us men would be
right behind him. In line.
--Doesn't that theory that the smarter you are the less sex you have
go out the window with Clinton?
--Republicans could have ended poverty in America with all the money
they have wasted on these worthless investigations! (Obviously this
writer is a Democrat; everybody knows Republicans don't want to end
poverty, they love cheap labor)
--Bill gets laid, Gennifer gets fame, Paula gets a make-over, Monica
gets immunity ... what does Hillary get?
--Message to Hillary: Girl, don't be so open-minded that your brains
fall out!
--Hillary is my kind of woman. She puts up with anything.
--I heard on the news that a radio station in Cincinnati is offering
one million dollars to any woman that can prove she has slept with
President Clinton. I think Mrs. Clinton should give them a call.
--So Al says to Tipper "if things keep happening, in a couple weeks
you may be sleeping with the President of the US." And Tipper says,
"Oh no, not again!"
--After his presidency, it appears Clinton will have better success
opening an adult bookstore rather than a presidential library.
--Clinton's presidential library will be XXX rated. No one under 21
allowed.
--The silver lining for President Clinton is all this? The bidding
war for his post-White House memoirs just went way up.
--Did the Founding Fathers say the United States would have four
branches of government? The executive, the judicial, the legislative,
and Kenneth Starr.
--I would never run for public office for fear that someone would
find out that my childhood sweetheart and I played doctor and house
when she was 6 and I was 7.
--An eagle is a symbol of bravery.
A dove is a symbol of love.
An owl is a symbol of wisdom.
A swallow is a symbol of commitment!
--It is great fun to see the perplexed looks on the face of those
television journalists as they try to explain why Clinton approval
rating skyrocketed after ten days of getting trashed by the new
media.
--Even with all his fund raising and romantic encounters, Clinton
still has the time to do a damn good job of running the country and
kicking Republican butt.
--I've never seen Sam Donaldson as happy as he's been these last few
days.
--Do journalists lie? I just heard a whole panel of journalists say
that they aren't influenced by public opinion polls or tv ratings.
--Linda Tripp and Kenneth Starr have managed to accomplish the
politically impossible: For the first time in his presidency, Bill
Clinton is more popular with men than he is with women.
--Bill Clinton dares to do what Jimmy Carter only dreams about.
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Date: Sun, 1 Feb 1998 20:19:48 EST
From: Chris Shipp <CCRShipp@AOL.COM>
Subject: Dumb blonde (offensive to blondes with no sense of humour)
A true story - the blonde in question was my neighbour...
Policeman to blonde driver he has just flagged down:
"I've stopped you, Miss, because your silencer has gone."
Blonde: "How can you tell it's gone?"
Officer: "I can hear it, Miss."
Blonde, after some thought: "How can you hear it if it has gone?"
Chris
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Never underestimate the power of human stupidity'
Robert Heinlein
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Thu, 29 Jan 1998 21:29:12 -0500
From: James R. Muller <computer25@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Toast (adult)
A husband and wife noticed that their little boy's penis was a little
too small so they took him to the doctor. They expressed their
concerns to the doctor. The doctor said to feed the little boy lots
of toast.
The next morning, the wife gets up really early and makes a huge stack
of toast. When the little boy comes down to breakfast, the mother
says, "Take the top two slices. The rest are for your father."
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Date: Mon, 2 Feb 1998 10:09:09 -0500
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: White House Internship Recruitment
Mmm,must get something on this myself too..:=)
Greetings prospective White House interns!
White House Internship Recruitment Info:
This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing
America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the
"Head Man" do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most
exciting one yet!
Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this
demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out:
* Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene
of the hottest city in the world!
* Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers!
* See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you!
* Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!
Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former
intern:
"I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering
phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. ...
Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic."
- M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.
As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot
debates and touchy national issues.
Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it
back to the White House at president@whitehouse.gov
Name:
Hometown:
Sex: F__ Age:
Measurements: (required for medical purposes)
How many beers it takes to get you...
...Giggly:
...Drunk:
...Hot:
...To lie to a federal prosecutor:
Quick quiz:
You've always considered the White House:
a) a monument to democracy
b) the place where great leaders meet
c) vaguely erotic
d) extremely erotic
Hillary Clinton is a(n):
a) model wife and mother
b) icon of late 20th century femininity
c) an obstacle
d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world
You've always wanted to know more about the President's:
a) Israeli policies
b) childhood in Hope, Ark.
c) romper room
d) "monument to democracy"
My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
b) reading, study
c) late nights working at the White House
d) late nights working the White House
Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d.
Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon.
Uncle Sam wants you.
* Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be
interested in this program.The White House is an equal opportunity employer.
Chalapathi
And More Of His
Four Line
Signatures! :-)
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Date: Mon, 2 Feb 1998 08:04:08 +0200
From: Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: The official drinking scale inoff.
The official drinking scale
_____________________
> 0 Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
>
>
> 1 Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.
>
> 2 Lager warming up head. Crisps are ordered. Barmaid complimented on
> choice of blouse.
>
> 3 Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are
> filled
> with random letters and numbers.
>
> 4 Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when
> bending
> to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras.
> Order half a dozen packets of crisps one by one.
>
> 5 Have brilliant discussion with bloke at bar. Devise fool-proof
> scheme
> for wining lottery, sort out English tennis problems. Agree people
> are
> same world over except for the bloody Tasmanians.
>
> 6 Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer-mat. Realize
> that
> everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them.
> Ring girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing
> arse.
>
> 7 Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No
> reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and frisbee
> them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him
> a
> Slim Panatela.
>
> 8 Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of
> people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over.
> Get up.
>
> 9 Head-ache kicks in. Pint tastes off. Send it back. Pint comes back
> tasting same. Say "thats much better". Fight nausea by trying to
> play
> Pub Mastermind for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.
>
> 10 Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four
> barmen. Talked down by barmen's wives, who you offer to give a baby
> to.
> Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail
> to
> notice oozing head wound.
>
> 11 Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and
> take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a
> wrong
> turning. Vomit. Pass out.
>
> 12 Put in minicab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't
> get
> key in door. Realize you've given address of Burnley Football Club.
> Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.
>
>
>
>
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Date: Mon, 2 Feb 1998 01:48:47 -0500
From: Justin <Justincr@SCCTELE.COM>
Subject: Hell<slight swearing>
A man dies and to his dismay goes to Hell. The Devil was taking him
through, showing him around. "Down here, there are several rooms to stay
in for eternity," says the Old Red One, "I'll just take you around to see
which one you'd want to stay in." They stop at one room where there are
people standing up to their chins in shit. The man shakes his head to the
Devil and they continue on. The next room contains people standing
waist-high in shit. Again, the man shakes his head, so they continue on.
As they walk to the next room, the Devil says, "This is the last room,
better make your decision, I've got more people to take on the tour." They
stop in front of the last room and there are people standing knee high in
shit. The man says, "This looks to be the most promising, I guess I'll
stay here, then." So the Devil leaves him in the room. About 20 minutes
of standing around in shit, the attending Demon in the room yells out, "OK
EVERYBODY! ON YOUR HEADS!"
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