Digest for Tuesday, February 03, 1998
There are 14 messages totalling 635 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Squawks and responses
- Sex in the 90s
- Parenthood
- bullets ; carrots
- Limericks < adult rated, offensive to Tamils>
- Good ol Edison
- does anyone know what happen to the giggles list?
- Brickbat: Cynical forms of humor
- Tobakey Wisdom (not off)
- FW: Work vs. Prison
- Pt 1 of 4
- Humor - Smart Pig (off. to stupid dogs)
-
- Saw Shadow...(off. to Republicans)
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Date: Tue, 3 Feb 1998 09:35:28 +0200
From: Soni Satish Datavia <SatishS@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Squawks and responses <off. to pilots>
Well Jim, If whatshisname Phil saw his shadow, does that mean that those
of living down south get 6 more weeks of summer?
______________________________
> Here are some apparently actual maintenance complaints submitted by
> US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
> "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for
> maintenance crews.
>
> Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> Signed Off: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>
> Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
> Signed Off: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
>
> Problem #1: Number 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
> Signed Off: Number 2 propeller seepage normal.
> Problem #2: Propellers 1, 3, and 4 lack normal seepage.
>
> Problem: The autopilot doesn't.
> Signed Off: It does now.
>
> Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
> Signed Off: Something tightened in cockpit.
>
> Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
> Signed Off: Evidence removed.
>
> Problem: Number 3 engine missing.
> Signed Off: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>
> Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> Signed Off: Volume set to more believable level.
>
> Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
> Signed Off: Live bugs on order.
>
> Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 foot per
> minute
> descent.
> Signed Off: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
> Problem: IFF inoperative.
> Signed Off: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
>
> Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> Signed Off: That's what they're there for.
>
> ___________________________
> Satish Soni
> E-mail : SatishS@transnet.co.za
> "Fighting for peace is like *$#@ing for virginity"
>
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Date: Tue, 3 Feb 1998 04:41:25 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Sex in the 90's <adult humor>
* Upon returning from a date in the early morning hours, a
coed woke her roommate up to announce that she was engaged.
"Oh how wonderful !" gushed the rather romantic roomie.
"Did he get down on his knees to propose ?"
"Well... not exactly. But at least he got up on his elbows
to do it."
- - - - -
* "I tell ya Marge" said the Naval Aviator's wife. "When Jim's
home on leave, sex is more like football coverage in reverse."
"How's that ???" asked Marge.
"Instant foreplay !" responded the distraught wife.
- - - - -
* "Momma," said the bride-to-be, "there's something I've been
meaning to ask you."
"Yes, I know dear," responded the Mother lovingly, "and I've
been waiting. Shortly you will discover all the joys of love
with your husband. First, let me explain..."
"Ma ! Wait !" said the girl. "I already know all about makin'
love & all, I just want to know how to make lasagna like you do."
- - - - -
* "Did you go the limit with Frank ?" asked the younger sister of
her sibling as she slipped into bed after a late nite date.
"Well... at least we went Frank's." sighed her sister.
- - - - -
* The travlin' Texan picked up a sweet young thang in a bar and
after several rounds, ordered the biggest steaks they had. Later,
they retired to his room, naturally the largest in the hotel. As
they undressed, he said, "I'm from Fort Worth, Texas, and we have
the biggest of everything."
The girl only nodded and smiled.
As they began to make love, he exclaimed, "Golleeeee, lil' Lady.
What part of Texas y'all from ?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy humor ? Visit me @
(jokes page) http://www.qis.net/~jimjr ("QIS.NET")
(jokes posted) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date: Tue, 3 Feb 1998 12:36:15 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Parenthood <May be off to us Catholics>
John Paul II died and went to heaven. St Peter met him at the gate
and said: "John Paul, you did such a wonderful job for us on earth,
we'd like to do something special for you. You name it; it's yours."
John Paul thought for a moment and said: "I'd like a private audience
with the Holy Mother." St Peter told him it would be arranged.
On the appointed day, St Peter escorted John Paul to the Holy
Mother's sanctuary. John Paul went before Her, knelt, and said:
"Holy Mother, I've always looked to You for guidance, and You have
granted me peace and serenity through some difficult times. But I
have one question that has nagged me during my whole time on earth. In
all the paintings that were done of you, and in all the sculptures
that were carved of you, you always looked so sad. Why is that?"
Mary thought for a moment, pursing her lips. Then she said:
"I always wanted a girl."
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Date: Tue, 3 Feb 1998 07:17:30 EST
From: Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: bullets <mildly risque>; carrots <inoff>
A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available
teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three
times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was
fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor
says "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They're fine but each one has
a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don't worry though the bullets will
pass through their system through normal bodily functions."
As time goes on the woman has three children. Two girls and a boy.
Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says
"Mommy, I've done a very weird thing!". Her mother asks her what
happened and her daughter replies "I passed a bullet into the toilet".
The woman comforts her and explains all about the accident at the bank.
A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears stream-
ing from her eyes. "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!", the mother
says "Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?". The
daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says "Yes. How did you
know?". The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident
at the bank.
A month later the boy comes up and says "Mommy, I've done a very bad
thing!". "You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?" "No, I was
masturbating and I shot the dog."
------------------------------------
Two carrots were walking down the road when a huge transfer truck
slammed into one of them. An ambulance was called and they rushed the
little fellow off to the hospital where he immediately went into hours
of surgery. Finally the doctor emerged and approached the other carrot
who had been anxiously awaiting in the waiting room. "Tell me Doc, how
is he?"
The doctor replied, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The
good news is he's going to live. The bad news is we're pretty sure he's
going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.
Tell your stories; read others' lives. Join the ORIGINAL virtual campfire,
NERDNOSH. Write "Majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org" with the command "Subscribe
Nerdnosh [your EMail address]"
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Date: Tue, 3 Feb 1998 06:23:46 PST
From: r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Limericks < adult rated, offensive to Tamils>
>From Delhi Road,
A tale of woe,
Of a dark and pretty Tamil doe,
Raped by a crowd,
She murmured,quite aloud,
Aday, have another go!
______________________________________________________
Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com
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Date: Tue, 3 Feb 1998 08:54:36 -0700
From: Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Good ol' Edison
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
-- Thomas Edison
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Date: Mon, 2 Feb 1998 12:03:37 -0600
From: Chad Amundsen <goldskul@MC.NET>
Subject: Re: does anyone know what happen to the giggles list?
Mark Panitz wrote:
>
> Does anyone know what happen to the other
> humor list (called Giggles)
> it seems it disappeared! why?
>
> --
> As Per US Code, Title 47, Chapter 5,Subchapter II 227
> Unsolicited [JUNK MAIL] commercial advertising is NOT Welcome here
> Mark Panitz
yah.. I was on there too.. I think the following will answer some
questions.. I intercepted these last week..
Subject:
Re: ADMIN: The GIGGLES List is on the way out...
Date:
Thu, 29 Jan 1998 12:46:14 -0500
From:
jeffk@procomp.com (Jeff Kettell)
To:
<giggles@LISTSERV.VT.EDU>
so much for freedom of speech
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Send all LISTSERV commands via e-mail to: LISTSERV@LISTSERV.VT.EDU
To leave the list: signoff giggles
To contact the list management: GIGGLES-REQUEST@LISTSERV.VT.EDU
Please read the GIGGLES Bulletin for all pertinent list info and
commands.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject:
Sorry to see the GIGGLES list go
Date:
Thu, 29 Jan 1998 20:39:35 -0800 (PST)
From:
Ed Joseph <ed@carpenter-printing.com>
To:
GIGGLES <giggles.list@lserv.com>
Sorry the list had to go. The jokes you submitted were great, I enjoyed
my
stay and it has been fun! Someone forwarded some of this information to
me
the other day and I thought you might be interested.
There is a very comprehensive list of over 236 humor and joke mailing
lists:
http://www.anglefire.com/pa/humorlists/index.html
I'm sure you will enjoy sampling all 236!
----
HUMOR is a great list! Uncensored with a good selection of 10 - 20
quality
jokes a day:
<listserv@uga.cc.uga.edu>
SUB HUMOR your-name
You can also sub anonymously by putting ANONYMOUS (which is always a
good
idea, that way only the list owners know who's on the list) in place of
your name.
----
JOKE-L is totally uncensored and has a moderate following with 10 - 20
jokes a day posted to the list:
<listserv@lserv.com>
In the subject of your email, place:
SUB JOKE-L
You don't have to put your name in the sub command line and all
subscriptions are anonymous.
----
Please let me know if you have any good lists to add or other sources of
fine humor.
Best wishes!
Ed
--
*********************************************************
* If you need P.C. tech support, contact us: *
* *
* Black Phoenix Group *
* P.O.Box 851 *
* Cary, IL 60013 *
* Pager 1-800-200-9244 *
* black.phoenix@mc.net *
*********************************************************
_____________________________________________________________________
Taken from METALLICA's "Wherever I May Roam"
...And the road become my bride, I have stripped of all but pride
So in her I do confide, And she keeps me satisfied
Gives me all I need
...And with dust in throat I crave, only knowledge will I save
To the game you stay a slave, Rover... Wanderer... Nomad.. Vagabond..
Call me what you will
...And the earth becomes my throne, I adapt to the unknown
Under wandering stars I've grown, By myself but not alone
I ask no one
...And my ties are severed clean, The less I have the more I gain
Off the beaten path I reign, Rover... Wanderer... Nomad.. Vagabond..
Call me what you will
But I'll take my time anywhere
Free to speak my mind anywhere
And I'll redefine anywhere
Anywhere I Roam
Where I lay my head is home
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Date: Tue, 3 Feb 1998 12:00:06 EST
From: Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Brickbat: Cynical forms of humor
They've had it wrong all these years. It is the lack of money that is
the root of all evil.
People are so upset about cloning because it means that women no
longer need for anything.
I'd get an air bag cut-off switch if my mother-in-law would wear it.
Now that the film "Titanic" has been such a megahit, will Hollywood
figure out a way to make "Titanic 2: The Sequel"?
I wonder why so many fast food restaurant employees become
vegetarians?
Sincerity is the key to success. Once you can fake that, you've got
it made.
I make a living breaking into peoples' houses and I wish you people
would just leave our parole benefits alone.
Homeowners' association appear to be made up of a small group of
people who think they are better than other people.
Do those companies that call you up and have a computer ask you to
hold the line really think you are going to do it?
I just can't stand people who are intolerant.
You know you're getting old when beautiful young women start calling
you "sweetie" and "honeybun."
source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent
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Date: Tue, 3 Feb 1998 09:46:32 -0800
From: Juanita Brents <Jbrents@FOUNDATION.SDSU.EDU>
Subject: Tobakey Wisdom (not off)
> DON'T SQUAT WITH YER SPURS ON:
> A COWBOY'S GUIDE TO LIFE.
>
> Crisis management principle:
> 1. Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that
> comes
> from bad judgement.
>
> 2. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin'
> it
> back.
>
> Negotiation principle:
> 1. Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
>
> Other Guidelines:
> If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every
> now and
> then to make sure it's still there.
>
> If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try
> orderin' somebody else's dog around.
>
> Never ask a man the size of his spread. (and I don't recommend
> askin a lady the same question.)
>
> After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he
> started
> roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
> The
> moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
>
> Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
>
> There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
>
> Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth
> is
> probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
>
> If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop
> diggin'.
>
> Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
>
> It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
>
> Always drink upstream from the herd.
>
> When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person,
> don't
> be surprised if they learn their lesson.
>
> When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it
> thrown
> around by somebody else.
>
> Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so
> important to know what it is, but it's you might need to know
> what it was.
>
> The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put
> it
> back in your pocket.
>
> Never miss a good chance to shut up.
>
>
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Date: Tue, 3 Feb 1998 09:46:53 -0800
From: Nathan Sherman <nathans@MICROSOFT.COM>
Subject: FW: Work vs. Prison
> ********* WORK & PRISON **********
>
> In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
> At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
>
> In prison you get three meals a day.
> At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that
> one.
>
> In prison you get time off for good behavior.
> At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
>
> In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
> At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the
> doors yourself.
>
> In prison you can watch TV and play games.
> At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
>
> In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
> At work you are just ball-and-chained.
>
> In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
> At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
>
> In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
> At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
> deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
>
> In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the
> inside wanting to get out.
> At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
>
> In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
> At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
>
> In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
> At work we have managers.
>
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Date: Tue, 3 Feb 1998 16:34:52 -0500
From: Lee_Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Pt 1 of 4 <off. to various nationalities>
Subject: SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERY NATIONALILITY
>From my friend, Bob. Sumitted to HUMOR without comment.
>TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH
>1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay
>2. Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time
>3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
>4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
>5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on TV.
>6. You can test your own nuclear Weapons in other people's countries
>7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
>8. Allow Germans to march up and down your famous street humiliating
> your sense of national pride
>9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just go in the street
>10. People think you're a great lover ,even when you're not
>
>TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :
>
>1. You can have a woman president without electing her
>2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
>3. You can call Budweiser "beer"
>4. You can be a crook and still be president
>5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
>6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
>7. You don't have to be a terrorist, a raving arab, or a militant
> communist to threaten the Presidency. Just need to be reasonably
> cute, young, and willing!
>8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody
> seems to care.
>9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
>10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
>10a. when you're not.
>10B. At all.
More coming tomorrow.
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Date: Tue, 3 Feb 1998 19:01:20 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Smart Pig (off. to stupid dogs)
Pet Pig Awakens New Jersey Couple to Fire
RAMSEY, N.J., Feb 2 (Reuters) - A potbellied pig named Honeymoon came to
the rescue of a New Jersey couple on Monday, waking them to warn of a fire
in their home.
Flames broke out about 8 a.m. EST (1300 GMT) in the laundry room of the
home of Pam and Fred Abma in Ramsey, New Jersey, Pam Abma said.
The couple was asleep, but the persistent pig scratched at their bedroom
door until they awoke, she said. ``That little pig saved our lives,'' she
said. ``Our two dogs just slept through the whole thing.
``Honey was the only one who smelled the smoke,'' she said. ``The dogs
were clueless.''
The fire was quickly put out by the local fire department. ``Pigs are a
lot smarter than dogs, clearly,'' said Fred Abma, who owns a landscape
business. ``And it was lucky for us.''
Honeymoon earned his name when the couple bought him on their wedding trip.
Honeymoon, who is 18 months old and weighs about 100 pounds (46 kg), would
be getting an extra special dinner, the couple said.
Copyright 1998 Reuters.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Note: Some may wonder how many couples take a pet pig on their honeymoon.-
Ken:>)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Tue, 3 Feb 1998 18:48:13 -1000
From: Ian Ibbetson <ian@PTSPLUMBING.CO.CK>
Subject: <sexual>
A lady approached a guy at the bar and said " Hi Ya stud, Can you give me a
full eight inches and make me bleed?"
"Sure, lets go to a hotel"
The get to the room and she says"give it to me baby"
So he fucked her twice then punched her in the nose.
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Date: Wed, 4 Feb 1998 00:39:26 +0000
From: Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Saw Shadow...(off. to Republicans)
Special prosecutor Kenneth Starr came up out of the sewer yesterday
and saw his shadow.
This means there will be six more weeks of subpoenas
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