Digest for Wednesday, February 04, 1998
There are 17 messages totalling 763 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Let us Prey
- Blow Job
- Top5 - 2/4/98 - Investigated by Kenneth Starr!
- Re-Run: Top 20 U.S.Air advertising slogans:
- Limerick < adult-rated, offensive to Madras residents>
- Various "Gasms" (adult oriented)
- (Fwd) FYA
- Life Cycle Costing of Selected Careers
- Alcohol Warnings That Might Actually Work
- The Pope and the Prez
- Part 2 of 4
- top 8 sexual jokes (need I say more) Part 1 of 2
- The Tobacco Industry
- Men Bashing
- Types of Chain Letters (part 1 of 4)
- Wassat?
- Drinks for the Big Guy....(poss. off. to some)
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Date: Wed, 4 Feb 1998 03:43:57 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Let us Prey <adult humor>
* The sweet young thang was telling the Evangelist that she
had been sleeping in another bedroom since she had caught her
husband sleeping with the neighbor.
"It's your duty to forgive him, my child." intoned the TV
minister as he patted her hand and she fell into his arms
gently sobbing. "But..." he added, as his grip tightened,
"How'd ya like to get even with the S.O.B. first ?"
- - - - -
* A Fundamentalist Minister in Alabama, sorely tempted, finally
propositioned the Choir director one night after practice, when
they were alone in the Church.
"Where Reverend ?" she enthusiastically replied.
"Right here on the floor." he panted.
"It'd be too cold." she whispered. "How about standing up ?"
"Good Lord girl. Have you taken leave of you senses ?" he
shouted. "If anyone came in, they'd think we were dancing."
- - - - -
* A Rabbi who was late for a golf game was rather curt with
several people whose phone calls kept delaying him.
The next day his secretary said "Rabbi, several members of
the congregation were really upset with you when you cut them
short yesterday."
At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in
the reception room got up and departed hurriedly.
"Who was that ?" asked the Rabbi.
"Oh, that was Mr. Ruthenberg." she answered. "He wanted to
speak to you about a circumcision for his son."
- - - - -
* The stoned gay wandered into a Cathedral and sat down in a
center aisle seat just as the richly vestmented priest began
moving toward the altar, swinging an incense-burning censer.
"Say there," cooed the fella to the startled cleric as the
latter came abreast of him. "Ohhhhhhhhh, Just lo-o-o-ve your
gown; but did you know your handbag's on fire ?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy humor ? Visit me @
(jokes page) http://www.qis.net/~jimjr ("QIS.NET")
(jokes posted) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date: Wed, 4 Feb 1998 14:25:04 -0500
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Blow Job <adult>
This 'un for the ladies ;-)
After several years of marriage, Debbie's husband, Mike, died suddenly.
According to his wishes, Debbie had his body cremated and placed the
remains in a small urn.
Several weeks later, Debbie came home wearing a full-length mink coat and
an eight-carat diamond ring. She went into the living room, removed the urn
from the mantel and carefully tapped Mike's ashes into a small dish on the
coffee table.
"Mike, my beloved Mike," she began, "I wish to talk to you. Mike, do you
remember, for several years you promised me a mink coat? Well, here it is,
Mike. Do you like it?
"And, Mike," she continued, "do you remember, for several years you promised
me a diamond ring? Yes? You remember? Here it is, Mike. Do you like
it?
"Well," Debbie exclaimed, puffing Mike's ashes into the air,"there's that
blow job I was promising you."
Chalapathi
And More Of His
Four Line
Signatures! :-)
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Date: Wed, 4 Feb 1998 05:57:36 -0500
From: John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 2/4/98 - Investigated by Kenneth Starr!
February 4, 1998
The Top 15 Signs You're Being Investigated by Kenneth Starr
15> Your new paper boy is 35, wears dark sunglasses, a black suit,
an ear piece and carries a semi-automatic.
14> Your new friend Linda starts every conversation with
"Testing... 1, 2, 3."
13> You're a highly paid White House intern and suddenly, out of
the blue, somebody gives you a typing test.
12> You could swear you see Yassir Arafat following you. (Oops!
That's a sign you're being investigated by *Ringo* Starr.)
11> Your dry cleaners just hired a dozen Secret Service agents
and added a hi-tech stain analysis lab.
10> Your best friend from 2nd grade is granted immunity after
rumors implicate you in the "paste-eating incident of 1968."
9> You haven't been subjected to this many embarrassing leaks
since you had that little bladder problem.
8> All of a sudden that video you returned two days late becomes
"Ace Ventura-Gate."
7> The DMV insists you pose for your driver's license picture
nude from the waist down.
6> Jay Leno's making lame jokes about you and you're not an Iraqi
dictator.
5> You don't mind your toddler asking for a "detailed account of
your unscrupulous business practices" in lieu his usual bedtime
story, but you feel downright silly talking into his rattler.
4> You're the only contributor who's getting topics like "Top 5
Signs I've Made Millions In Shady Land Deals."
3> Pupils in Lincoln's portrait dilate a bit when the French
Ambassador's daughter asks you to pass the KY.
2> For a change, Diane Sawyer is camped out in front of your
house, instead of vice versa.
and the Number 1 Sign You're Being Investigated by Kenneth Starr...
1> Since when did Lucky Charms start including "Crunchy
Microphones"?
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
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Date: Wed, 4 Feb 1998 15:39:18 +0200
From: Alar The Joker <alar14@MAIL.EE>
Subject: Re-Run: Top 20 U.S.Air advertising slogans:
Originally
From: "Amy L. Ward" <othello@IAC.NET>
Date: Thu, 29 Sep 1994 15:54:18 -0400
1. U.S.Air: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.
2. U.S.Air: We're Amtrak with wings.
3. Join our frequent near-miss program.
4. On certain flights, every section is a smoking section.
5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
6. Our staff has had lots of experience consoling next-of-kin.
7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.
8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.
11. You think it's so easy, get your own damn plane!
12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
14. U.S.Air: We may be landing on your street.
15. U.S.Air: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
16. Bring a bathing suit.
17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet
overlandmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best
view.
18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best
pilots.
19. Fly U.S.Air. Find out if there really is a God.
20. U.S.Air: A real man lands where he wants to.
------------------------------------------------------------------
| Alar Pardla's Joke Collection... Collected humor since 1994 |
| Have some serious fun at "Funny Jokes" - http://fun.ee/jokes/ |
| Random joke from "Funny Jokes" - http://fun.ee/jokes/random.pl |
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Date: Wed, 4 Feb 1998 06:16:37 PST
From: r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Limerick < adult-rated, offensive to Madras residents>
There was a man from Madras,
Whose testicles were made of brass,
In stormy weather,
They clanged together,
And smoke flew out of his arse.
______________________________________________________
Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com
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Date: Wed, 4 Feb 1998 09:56:33 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Various "Gasms" (adult oriented)
Sex in a boat - oar-gasms.
Sex with a nerd - dork-gasms.
Sex at the entrance to your house - door-gasms.
Sex on carpet or linoleum - floor-gasms.
Sex at the supermarket - store-gasms.
Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms.
Sex with a prostitute - whore-gasms.
Sex with an accountant - bore-gasms.
Sex while sleeping - snore-gasms.
Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms.
Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eyeore-gasms.
Sex while broke - poor-gasms.
Sex with a lion - roar-gasms.
Sex for hours and hours on end - sore-gasms.
Sex on a golf course - fore-gasms.
Sex with a nymphomaniac - more-gasms.
Sex in a gold mine - ore-gasms.
Sex with a dermatologist - pore-gasms.
Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms.
Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers - s'more-gasms.
Sex with a bullfighter - toreador-gasms.
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword - zorro-gasms.
Sex on the beach - shore-gasms.
Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet - smorgasbord-gasms.
Sex on a cruise ship deck - shuffleboard-gasms.
Sex in asia - Singapore-gasms.
Sex among the wonders of nature - outdoor-gasms.
Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can - odor-gasms.
Sex on the way to the train - 'All Aboard'-gasms.
Sex that wasn't very satisfying - 'There's the door'-gasms.
Sex in an adult theater - hard-core-gasms.
Sex with someone who's not paying attention - ignore-gasms.
Sex with a competitive partner - score-gasms.
Sex while flying - soar-gasms.
Sex with a beloved partner - adore-gasms.
Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms.
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo - pompadore-gasms.
Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes - velour-gasms.
Sex while travelling - tour-gasms.
Sex with a big dog - labrador-gasms.
Sex with Beavis and Butthead - 'GonnaScore'-gasms.
Sex on stairs at the mall - escalator-gasms.
Sex with three of your friends - four-gasms.
Sex with a norse God - Thor-gasms.
Sex when resistance is futile - Borg-gasms.
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Date: Wed, 4 Feb 1998 10:39:14 EST
From: JOHN STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: (Fwd) FYA
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized
that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up
the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole
dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best
fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be
entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay
down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in
the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.
They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter,
killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids
and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog
the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five
inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a
strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt
sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this
dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped
itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost
completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the
Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund reached out and consumed the Russian
dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in
disbelief. 'We don't understand how this could have happened. We had
our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and
Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian
wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic
surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund."
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Date: Wed, 4 Feb 1998 09:37:49 -0800
From: Michael J. Irvin <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Life Cycle Costing of Selected Careers
Life Cycle Costing of Selected Careers
A study, supported by the Department of Labor, explored the cost/benefit
ratio of 48 of our society's most common professions. The study considered
all the elements of a career, not simply salary. It examined the amount and
cost of education necessary, time spent in class, annual overhead,
probability of success, tax shelter possibilities, stress and health
effects, and impact on family life and quality of living.
When all life quality elements had been factored in, one career emerged as
having a clear edge in each category. It was bank robbery.
This finding was confirmed by another study that reported that the average
bank robber is apprehended during his or her 18th heist. Given that the
risk of apprehension increases geometrically, the likelihood of being
arrested during the first three jobs is really quite small, only .03. When
this is compared to the failure rate of new franchises (.13), new small
businesses (.21) and new restaurants (.64), the cost/benefit ratio appears
appalling indeed.
The program is also self insured: if it fails, living expenses are
automatically picked up by the government.
------------------------
Reprinted from a reprint in the current Journal of Irreproducible Results.
----------------------------
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Date: Wed, 4 Feb 1998 14:20:54 -0500
From: Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Alcohol Warnings That Might Actually Work
The Toronto board of health has proposed that warning signs be placed on
booze bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of pounding a
beer or two.
1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath
that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an
asshole.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring
story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like
thish.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you
REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
ever happened to your pants anyway.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you
can't remember)
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
rug burn on the forehead.
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named
Psycho.
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Date: Mon, 2 Feb 1998 23:51:00 -0600
From: Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: The Pope and the Prez
May be offensive to Catholics
=============================
President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an
administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope gets
sent to hell.
The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of
the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told,
however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and
correct the error.
The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye as
he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way
down, and they stop to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.
Clinton: Why's that?
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
Clinton: You're a day late.
-=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com
---
. SPEED 2.00 #1157 . I recognize brilliance whenever someone agrees with me!
----
The Lunatic Fringe * Richardson, TX * 972-235-5288
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Date: Wed, 4 Feb 1998 15:56:15 -0500
From: Lee_Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Part 2 of 4 <still offensive to all>
Subject: SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERY NATIONALILITY
>TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH
>1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah-doo-dah
>2. Warm beer
>3. You get to confuse everyone with the: rules of cricket
>4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
>5. Union jack underpants
>6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
>7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
>8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not
>9. Ditto changing underwear
>10. Beats being Welsh.
>10a. Or Scots
>
>TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN
>1. in-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
>2. unembarrassed to wear fur.
>3. No need to worry about tax returns
>4. Glorious military history prior to 400 a.d.
>5. Can wear sunglasses inside
>6. Political stability
>7. Flexible working hours
>8. Live near the Pope
>9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair
>10. Country run by Sicilian murderers
>
>TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN
>
>1. You get to live near Americans.
>2, You can pronounce "out" funny, and nobody cares.
>3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors
>4. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
>5. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity
> will rise
>6. Your own mini France in the middle of the country.
>7. More old ice hockey players with no front teeth per capita.
>8. Your call.
>9. Still your call.
>10 Your ad goes here.
Coming to a screen near you soon...
>TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH -
>TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN
>TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH:
>TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH
>TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN
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Date: Wed, 4 Feb 1998 17:04:05 -0500
From: James R. Muller <computer25@JUNO.COM>
Subject: top 8 sexual jokes (need I say more) Part 1 of 2
Number... 8
A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get
you?" the bartender inquired.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob," the man answered.
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste,
nothing will."
Number... 7
A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated
next to an absolutely gorgeous woman...... They exchange brief hellos
and he noticed she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replied, "This is a very interesting
book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have
the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average
diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replied, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
Number... 6
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped
his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned
over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few
minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This
time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment
tomorrow too?"
Number... 5
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that
he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into
the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex
therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too
embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His
wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's
wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to
put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, she got fired too."
_____________________________________________________________________
You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail.
Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://www.juno.com
Or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866]
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Date: Wed, 4 Feb 1998 18:16:47 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The Tobacco Industry
The tobacco industry reports that it provides jobs for 2.3 million
Americans--and this doesn't include physicians, x-ray technicians,
nurses, hospital employees, firefighters, dry cleaners, respiratory
specialists, pharmacists, morticians, and gravediggers!
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Date: Wed, 4 Feb 1998 19:38:58 -0500
From: Don Chesnel <dches@CONCENTRIC.NET>
Subject: Men Bashing <mild sexual content>
Well, Monica's been taking it pretty hard lately (Bad choice of
words?)and it's time to give the ladies a break:
Men are like department stores - Their clothes should always be half
off.
Men are like vacations - They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like computers - Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
Men are like coolers - Load them up with beer and you can take them
anywhere.
Men are like chocolate bars - sweet, smooth and they usually head
straight for your hips.
Men are like coffee - The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you
going all night long.
Men are like horoscopes - They always tell you what to do and usually
they are wrong.
Men are like plungers - They spend most of their lives in a hardware
store or in the bathroom.
Men are like cement - After getting laid, they take a long time to get
hard.
Men are like snowstorms - You never know when they are coming, how many
inches you will get, or how long it will last.
How are men and parking places alike?
The good ones are usually gone and what's left are handicapped.
Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good
looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they are all pigs.
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Date: Wed, 4 Feb 1998 21:37:13 -0600
From: Grant C. Anderson <robschool@NWU.EDU>
Subject: Types of Chain Letters (part 1 of 4)
Note: This is actually going to be one big chain letter at the end.
However, for space constraints I have divided it into four parts.
This is a chain letter that shows you the 4, count them, 4 basic types of
chain letters.
Chain Letter Type 1:
Make a wish!!!
Really, go on and make one!!!
Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!
Wish something else!!!
Not that, you pervert!!
Is your finger getting tired yet?
(from scrolling down, but I erased all of the >'s to shorten it!)
STOP, DAMMIT!!!!
Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty,
here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to a certain
number of people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and
then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Becuase,
you know, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!!
Really!!! Here's how it goes:
Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending
them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending
them a stupid chain letter.
5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a
stupid chain letter.
10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a
stupid chain letter.
20 to 674, 951 1/2 people: 20 to 674, 951 1/2 people will be pissed off at
you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
[To be continued...]
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Grant Anderson--Northwestern University Computer Engineering '98
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of
people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
---"The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" by Douglas Adams
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Date: Thu, 5 Feb 1998 09:57:39 -0500
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Wassat? <clean but disgusting:)>
A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside
a scrungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his
hand. The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to
the light, slurring "Well, it looks like plastic." Then he rolled it between
his fingers, adding,"But it feels like rubber."
Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?"
The drunk stammered,"Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels
like rubber." The lawyer said,"Let me take a look." And the drunk handed it
over. The attorney rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it
closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't
know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?"
The drunk replied, "Outa my nose."
Chalapathi
And More Of His
Four Line
Signatures! :-)
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Date: Thu, 5 Feb 1998 01:15:04 +0000
From: Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Re: Drinks for the Big Guy....(poss. off. to some)
An Australian, and Irishman and an Englishman were sitting
in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. A man.
The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly
familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen
him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out, "My God! I know
who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and
sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table. The
Irishman calls out across the lounge, "hey! hey you! are you
Jesus?" Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods
his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says.
Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd
like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guiness from me" The
bartender pours Jesus a Guiness. Jesus looks over, raises his
glass in thanks and drinks. The Englishman then calls out, "er,
excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says
'Yes, I am Jesus". The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells
him to send over a pint of stout for Jesus, which the bartender duly does.
As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.
Then the Australian calls out, "Oy you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?"
Jesus nods and says "Yes, I am Jesus". The Australian is mighty
impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Fosters
for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.
Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches
our three friends. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes
it, thanking him for the Guiness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives
a cry of amazement "oh God! the arthritis is gone! the arthritis I've
had for years is gone! It's a miracle!!!"
Jesus then shakes the Englishman's hand, thanking him for the stout.
Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock "By jove, the
migraine! the migraine I've for 40 years is completely gone - it's a
miracle!!!" Jesus then goes to approach the Australian who says "Back
off mate! I'm on Worker's Comp." !!
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