Digest for Monday, March 02, 1998
There are 13 messages totalling 627 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- The Fossil Skull: Objectionable to non-Paronomastics
- Cars
- Moral of the Story
- Smoking
- HUMOR: Dan Quayle & Bill Clinton
- Humor:Clean
- Top5 - 3/2/98 - Stalked by a Leprechaun!
- More Music Quotes
- Embarassing Stories
- [Fwd: Fwd: Fw: Some Humor...]
- My kind of scientist, the death of a loved one and youthful ignorance
- Quips & Quotes
- The Changing Seasons
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Date: Sun, 1 Mar 1998 23:12:23 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Fossil Skull: Objectionable to non-Paronomastics
WARNING: Unless you are an ardent fan of puns, skip this joke without
reading it. It would be a complete waste of your time to read it.
Proceed at your own risk.
A controversy is raging this morning in the French Academy of Science
between factions of zoologists and paleontologists, The argument centers
on the identification of a fossil skull found by student naturalists
doing field work near the northern French village of D'Eau-Remy. The
more conservative scientists hold the majority position that the skull
is from an extinct species of Ape similar to the Barbary ape of
Gibraltar, which is the last living primate still found in Europe.
Spokesman for this opinion, Dr. Luke Monand of the University of Lyons,
stated that many types of primate roamed what is now Italy and Spain
about five million years age, and it has long been theorized that some
may have even traveled as far as the Franco-German border. The
leeser-held but more spectacular view stated by Auguste Delacorde of the
Natural History Museum of Paris declares that the skull is from neither
ape nor man and accepts the find as positive proof of the existence of
the legendary monster known to the ancient Frankish tribes as "Tit-dos"
(pronounced tee-doe), in many ways similar to the North American
Sasquatch and the Tibettan Yeti. The task of identifying the fossel has
been given to Dr. Hardy Froliche of the Museum of Life (Musee de la Vie)
in Geneva and Isabel Deschamps of the French Academy, both noted
paleontologists. The European scientific community is now waiting the
answer to one of the most unusual problems ever encountered. Did the
skull belong to a well-traveled ape or is the .... D'Eau-Remi fossil a
Tit-dos?
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Date: Mon, 2 Mar 1998 02:37:46 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Cars
* Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw
this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She'd
bump the car in front, then back-up and strike the car behind
her. This went on about 2-3 minutes.
I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was
declined though. She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not
going to use them once in a while ?"
- - - - -
* My daughter-in-law bought a brand new super fancy Japanese
sports car. I think she's gotten a little carried away though
in caring for it. Nobody's allowed to get in it unless they
take off their shoes first.
- - - - -
* I saw some of the Daytona 500 car race the other week. The
TV announcer said that the pit crews can have all the tires
off of the car in thirty seconds or less.
Hell -- that ain't nothing. The guy's obviously never been
to Maryland. You can see kids in Baltimore City do it a lot
faster than that anytime ya want.
- - - - -
* Being from the 50's I guess I'm too used to full sized cars.
I mean my lil' Mazda is a nice car and all, but it's just too
small. Take the glove compartment for example, all I can get
in there is two fingers and a thumb.
- - - - -
* I did get a hell of a bargain though when I bought that Mazda.
The dealer threw in the carrying case for nothing.
- - - - -
* The British, not to be outdone with sub-subcompact cars, have
just come out with one where the windshield is so small it's
a monocle.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy humor ? Visit me @
(jokes page) http://www.qis.net/~jimjr ("QIS.NET")
(jokes posted) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date: Fri, 27 Feb 1998 15:32:13 UT
From: Ian Lyte <IanLyte@CLASSIC.MSN.COM>
Subject: Moral of the Story <f-word>
First time so ... be gentle. Hope it hasn't been posted before (haven't seen
it in the last week) ...
Anyway enjoy ....
The Moral Of The Story
One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home
and think of a story and then conclude with 'the moral of that story'. The
following day, when the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their
story, little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we
load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the
market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the
basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story.
Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next is little
Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken
eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs
hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't
count your chickens before they're hatched." Last is little Billy. "My Uncle
Ted was a Marine and fought in Vietnam; his plane was shot down over
enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer,
a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer.
Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He
shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his
machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed
the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looks in shock at Billy and
asks if there could possibly be any moral, to his story. Billy replies,
"Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
!tag
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Date: Mon, 2 Mar 1998 11:12:01 -0000
From: Mazumder,S <S.Mazumder@LSE.AC.UK>
Subject: Smoking <Adult Themes>
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down.
And, perhaps, try using lubrication.
- Sanjay Mazumder <s.mazumder@lse.ac.uk>
- Remember, he who laughs last, ........., probably didn't get the joke.
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Date: Mon, 2 Mar 1998 06:24:50 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: Dan Quayle & Bill Clinton
Dan Quayle, speaking to a Republican audience, needled
President Clinton when he suggested that he had a new
crime proposal: Three interns and you're out.
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Date: Mon, 2 Mar 1998 07:28:16 EST
From: JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:Clean
> Two trucks loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus
> collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday,
> according to the Associated Press.
>
> Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied ...
>
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Date: Mon, 2 Mar 1998 08:14:39 -0500
From: John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 3/2/98 - Stalked by a Leprechaun!
March 2, 1998
The Top 15 Signs You're Being Stalked by a Leprechaun
15> Generic-looking green van parked across the street with Notre
Dame bumper sticker.
14> Every time you turn around the pitter-pattering stops and that
green fire hydrant seems to have gotten a little closer.
13> Green lipstick marks on the butt of your Dockers.
12> You're being followed by a large woman with a sultry voice and
a dying career. (Oops! That's a sign you're being stalked by
Chaka Khan.)
11> You don't recall owning an anatomically correct lawn gnome.
10> Card delivered with the bouquet of 4-leaf clovers reads,
"I bet you're magically delicious!"
9> When you come home from work, the potatoes are missing
from the cupboard and your parrot is singing "Danny Boy."
8> Prank caller has a really corny Irish accent, and
Richard Gere has an airtight alibi.
7> Those tiny green hairs on your toilet seat.
6> Sultry voice from shower soap dish asks, "Is that your
shillelagh, or are you just happy to see me?"
5> Pink hearts, yellow moons, blue diamonds scratched on your
car at knee-level, and Ross Perot is nowhere to be found.
4> Them little green pellets in the litter box ain't M&M's,
Chester.
3> Whitewater Special Investigators are taller, wear more
conservative suits, and have a snottier disposition.
2> Every day this week you've noticed the same buckle shoes
dangling just above the floor in the stall next to you.
and the Number 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by a Leprechaun...
1> Tiny scary person -- check.
Gold -- check.
Ears that stick out -- check.
Ice skates -- wait a second, ice skates?!?!
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
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Date: Mon, 2 Mar 1998 15:49:49 -0500
From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: More Music Quotes
MUSICAL QUOTES: Part the Second
Gentle Humor readers: These musical bons
mots were sent to me by an acquaintance who is in PUBLIC
BROADCASTING. If you've read one-too-many "redneck" jokes,
they should provide some respite.
"He'd be better off shoveling snow."
--Richard Strauss on Arnold Schoenberg.
When told that a soloist would need six fingers to perform
his concerto, Arnold Schoenberg replied, "I can wait."
"I would like to hear Elliot Carter's Fourth String Quartet, if
only to discover what a cranky prostate does to one's
polyphony." --James Sellars
"Exit in case of Brahms."
--Philip Hale's proposed inscription over the doors of Boston
Symphony Hall
"Why is it that whenever I hear a piece of music I don't like,
it's always by Villa-Lobos?" --Igor Stravinsky
"His music used to be original. Now it's aboriginal."
--Sir Ernest Newman on Igor Stravinsky
"If he'd been making shell-cases during the war it might have
been better for music."
--Maurice Ravel on Camille Saint-Saens
"He has an enormously wide repertory. He can conduct
anything, provided it's by Beethoven, Brahms or Wagner. He
tried Debussy's La Mer once. It came out as Das Merde."
--Anonymous Orchestra Member on George Szell
Someone commented to Rudolph Bing, manager of the
Metropolitan Opera, that "George Szell is his own worst
enemy." "Not while I'm alive, he isn't!" said Bing.
"Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of
giving pleasure to thousands and all you can do is scratch it."
--Sir Thomas Beecham to a lady cellist.
"After I die, I shall return to earth as a gatekeeper of a
bordello and I won't let any of you enter."
--Arturo Toscanini to the NBC Orchestra
"We cannot expect you to be with us all the time, but perhaps
you could be good enough to keep in touch now and again."
--Sir Thomas Beecham to a musician during a rehearsal
"Jack Benny played Mendelssohn last night. Mendelssohn lost."
--Anonymous
The great German conductor Hans von Buelow detested two
members of an orchestra, who were named Schultz and
Schmidt. Upon being told the Schmidt had died, von Buelow
immediately asked, "Und Schultz?"
"Her voice sounded like an eagle being goosed."
--Ralph Novak on Yoko Ono
"Parsifal - the kind of opera that starts at six o'clock and
after it has been going three hours, you look at your watch
and it says 6:20." --David Randolph
"One can't judge Wagner's opera Lohengrin after a first
hearing, and I certainly don't intend hearing it a second time."
--Gioacchino Rossini
"I liked the opera very much. Everything but the music."
--Benjamin Britten on Stravinsky's The Rakes's Progress
"Her singing reminds me of a cart coming downhill with the
brake on."
--Sir Thomas Beecham on an unidentified soprano in Die
Walkyre
--fin--
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Date: Mon, 2 Mar 1998 18:56:22 +0000
From: Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Embarassing Stories
In Melbourne Australia, one of the radio stations pay money,
($100-500), for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This
mornings one netted the proud owner $300 AUD.
As the lady said... "I was due later that week for an appointment
with the gynocologist when early one morning I received a call
from his office that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at
09:30. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school and
it was around 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took
about thirty five minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most
women do I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene
when making such visits but this time I wasn't going to be able to
make the full effort.
So I rushed up stairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the flannel
and gave myself a wash in front of the basin taking extra care to
make sure I was presentable. Threw the flannel in the wash basket,
donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my
appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he
called me in. Knowing the procedure as I'm sure you all do, I
hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room
and pretended I was in Hawaii or some otherplace a million miles
away from here.
I was a little surprised when he said, "my.. we have taken a little
extra effort this morning haven't we?".
The appointment over I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The
rest of the day went as normal, some shopping, cleaning the
evening meal etc.... At 8:30 that evening my 18 year old daughter
was fixing to go to a school dance when she called down from the
bathroom, "Mum - where's my flannel?". I called back for her to get
another from the linen cupboard, she called back "No - I need
my one that was here by the basin. It had all my glitter and
sparkles in it".
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Date: Mon, 2 Mar 1998 19:31:10 -0500
From: Don Chesnel <dches@CONCENTRIC.NET>
Subject: [Fwd: Fwd: Fw: Some Humor...]
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Subject: Fwd: Fw: Some Humor...
Date: Sun, 1 Mar 98 21:08:29 -0000
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From: sumac, sumac@acadian.net
To: Dr Lafleur, klafleur@net-connect.net
>
> A bus station is where a bus stops.
>
> A train station is where a train stops.
>
> On my desk I have a workstation........
>_______________________________________________________
>
>Mistakes
>
>A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in
>human history with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila."
>
> -- Mitch Ratliffe, _Technology Review_ April, 1992
>_______________________________________________________
>
>Theoretical Question
>
>At a recent computer software engineering course in the US, the
>participants were given an awkward question to answer:
>
>"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of
>programmers had been responsible for the flight control software,how
>many of you would disembark immediately?"
>
>Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless.
>When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content
>to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely
>to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone takeoff.
>
>
----------------- End Forwarded Message -----------------
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Date: Tue, 3 Mar 1998 09:42:07 +0800
From: Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: <HUMOR> My kind of scientist,
the death of a loved one and youthful ignorance
Newspaper announcement, morbid humour and a sex-related joke.
Taken from the THES here is great news for all of us who bought a bike
to get fit and it's still in the shed in the wrapping:
"People who cycle to work could be using up more of the earth's energy
supply than those who drive, according to research at Exeter University.
David Coley, a research fellow at the centre for energy and the
environment, has already annoyed vegetarians by showing that eating
vegetables can be more of a drain on resources than eating meat because
of modern food production methods. Now he says building and repairing
cycle routes increases the amount of the polutant tarmac that is
produced. In addition, those walking or cycling to work are also likely
to consume more food and hence the energy needed to produce it."
For sale: one bike - money needed to buy steak. Contact "Mike the
Environmentalist"
_______
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another
for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how
the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage
for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the
middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
____
A young teenager runs into the house and asks her mother "Is it true
what Mandy just told me? Babies come out the same place that boy's
thingies go in?"
"Yes," replied her mother pleased that the embarassing subject had
finally come up and she didn't have to explain.
"Oh God! When I have a baby then, will it knock my teeth out?"
--
Mike R
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Date: Mon, 2 Mar 1998 19:15:43 -0800
From: Keith E. Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Quips & Quotes
QUIPS & QUOTES
I think... therefore I worry. --Bob Thaves
Home computers are the perfect thing for women who don't feel that men
provide them with enough frustration. --J. Wagner
Last night I dreamed I was a muffler and I woke up exhausted.
We are all born for love. It is the principle of existance, and its
only end. --Benjamin Disraeli
Make something fool-proof, and someone will make a better fool.
If I could only ask God one question, it would be "Which came first, the
chicken or the egg?" because, dammit, it's about time people learned the
truth! --Kirk Reuter
Klipstein's Second Law of Production -- If a project requires "n"
components, there will be "n-1" units in stock.
I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.
When I play with my cat, how do I know that she is not passing time with
me rather than I with her? --Montaigne
Look around the table. If you don't see a sucker, get up and leave,
because you are the sucker. --Amarillo Slim
I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty, I like
their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
--Samuel Johnson
Beryl's Law -- The "Consumer Report" on the item will come out a week
after you've made your purchase.
... [person] said, "Well, it seems to have a lot of momentum." Of
course it has momentum. You gain momentum very fast when you're rolling
downhill out of control. What I want here is not momentum. What I want
is progress. --Elizabeth Zwicky
If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
--Alice Roosevelt Longworth
Harrison's Postulate -- For every action, there is an equal and opposite
criticism.
The obvious mathematical breakthrough [to break modern encryption] would
be development of an easy way to factor large prime numbers. --Bill
Gates from "The Road Ahead," p. 265.
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. --Thomas
Edison
Bumper sticker of the day: "Abolish hostility: Kiss my friendly ass"
The best way to get rid of garbage is to gift wrap it and leave it near
an open window when you park your car at a mall!
I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. --Ashleigh
Brilliant
I've been on an emotional roller coaster lately. The other day my mood
ring exploded. --Janine DiTullio
Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life. --Sophia Loren
The plural of anecdote is not data. --Roger Brinner
--
Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List
To subscribe or unsubscribe, write maiser@mail.otherwhen.com
and put "SUBSCRIBE McHawList" or "UNSUBSCRIBE McHawList" in the
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Date: Tue, 3 Mar 1998 10:40:37 -0500
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Changing Seasons <adult>
A young farmer is newly married and the couple can't get
enough of it. Just before leaving the house for the fields at dawn
they tear off a piece and when he returns home at evening they
have another go before and after supper and maybe a couple
more during the night. The problem is during the day: the
fields are a long way from the house and the young man loses
so much time traveling home and back again at noon that he
decides to consult a friend (the town's doctor) about what to
do.
"Easiest thing in the world, Homer" says the doctor. "You take
your rifle out with you every day don't you? Well when
you feel like you're in the mood for some lovin' just fire a shot
into the air as a signal to your wife for her to come out to you.
That way you won't lose any workin' time."
Homer tries this and it seems to work pretty good for a while.
One day though the doctor stops by the house to pay a visit
and he notices Homer sitting alone inside looking very morose.
"What's wrong?" he asks. "Didn't my idea work? And where's
your wife?"
"Oh, it worked" says Homer. "Whenever I got in the mood I
fired off a shot like you said and Beckie'd come runnin'. Then
we'd find a secluded place and do it after which Beckie'd go
back home."
"So what's the problem?"
"Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I ain't seen hide nor hair of
Beckie since the huntin' season got started!"
Chalapathi :-)
"I don't get even,I get odder"..Hmmm...
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