Digest for Wednesday, March 04, 1998
There are 17 messages totalling 932 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- The Farm Boy
- Taxes
- Top5 - 3/4/98 - Worst-Selling Hardware Items (Part I)
- Topical Jokes (some adult themes)
- Another 50 Reasons Why Its Great to Be a Guy
- college story
- 50 Reasons Why Its Great to Be a Guy
- some bodily functions and body parts mentioned.
- Smudge HEADLINE
- Fwd: (fwd) The Medical Institution (fwd)
- Nixon vs. Clinton
- The game
- Guy walks into a bar
- Great White Ape (in-off)
- Topical Jokes (some adult themes, language)
- Experiences of The Past
- Old ladies and condoms
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 3 Mar 1998 23:07:19 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Farm Boy
Clem Roberts was homesick. Here he was a succssful chief research
chemist for Revlon, but he would constantly dream of his younger days on
the family farm in Indiana. He would daydream of his happy youth,
milking the cows in the barn or washing the horses in the stabile. The
memories of the pigs and chickens sent chills down his spine. So it
should come as no surprise that after a long day of creating new exotic
flowerly scents for perfumes for the hopeful debutante or frustrated
housewife, he would return to his laboratory at night and work on his
project for his personal satisfaction. And he succeeded beyond his
wildest hopes. He had managed to reproduce the fragrances he had so
longedly rememembered from his days on the farm. He realized that there
were many others who felt the way he did and approached the company
supervisors with the thought of producing his new fragrances as a new
line of cologne for men. Thew executives were thrilled with his samples
and agreed to produce it and market it with a major campaign starting
with ads during March Madness, realizing that farm boys, especially
Hoosiers, love their basketball more than any other sport And in honor
of Clem's innovative work, the advertising department named the new
product after him. So as you watch the Final Four, watch for ads stating
that to win the love of your life, rush to your nearest drug store to
purchase a bottle of .... Robert's Rural Odors.
------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 4 Mar 1998 03:40:38 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Taxes
* Got my income taxes all done and mailed in the check.
I made it out to the "Eternal Revenue Service". They
sent it back though -- no sense of humor at all !
- - - - -
* I do feel like I'm cheating every year on my taxes when
I list myself as the head of our household.
- - - - -
* Seriously though, I think all those guys at the Internal
Revenue Service are so damn picky. They denied a 50 %
depreciation deduction on me. It was all Mrs JimJr's
idea though. She said I'm not half the man I used to be.
- - - - -
* I saw in the paper the other day that in effect, by paying
taxes, the average American works over 6 months a year for
the Government. Hell, even Government employees don't work
6 months a year for the government.
- - - - -
* Since I've retired, I've been having a problem calculating
my adjusted gross income. I've done it five times so far,
and it's still gross.
- - - -
* I've come to the conclusion that America's Founding Fathers
were all wrong. Seems to me that they should have fought
for representation without taxation.
- - - - -
* With the big hit the movie "Titanic" is, I wonder if anyone
but me noticed that April 15th was the day it went down.
That happens to be the income tax deadline in the US when
millions of Americans are also sunk. Ironic, huh ?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy humor ? Visit me @
(jokes page) http://www.qis.net/~jimjr ("QIS.NET")
(jokes posted) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date: Wed, 4 Mar 1998 05:59:26 -0500
From: John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 3/4/98 - Worst-Selling Hardware Items (Part I)
March 4, 1998
The Top 16 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Items (Part I)
16> PVC crack pipes
15> Howard Sterno
14> AK-47 Semi-automatic glue gun
13> Stud-Muffin Finder
12> DermAbrade 9000 Acne Remover! Fits most popular belt sanders.
11> Martha Stewart Terracotta Torque Wrench Cozy
10> Pee Wee Herman light switch plates
9> VladCo Electric Impal-O-Matic
8> Richard Simmons "Spackling to the Oldies" video
7> Lewinsky Leaf Blowers
6> The TurboBidet 2000
5> Time-Life's "So, You're A Moron With A Workshop" Books
4> Caulk Rings
3> The Hair Club for Men (attaches to your head to deter
would-be toupee thieves)
2> Goose Tape
and the Number 1 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Item...
1> "Hoe House" shag-carpeted tool sheds
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
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Date: Wed, 4 Mar 1998 06:36:49 +0000
From: JBR Humor <jimr@POBOXES.COM>
Subject: Topical Jokes (some adult themes)
The most profitable movie of 1997 was The Full Monty -- it's made $205
million but cost just $3.5 million. Of course, for Bill Clinton, the
Full Monty may yet cost him the Presidency.
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates testified before lawmakers yesterday that his
company doesn't have unchecked power. He was testifying before the
MS-Senate (tm).
Sources say Christian Slater has been spending his jail time keeping a
diary of his experiences. The working title is "Men are from Mars,
That Enormous Guy In The Next Cell is from Venus"
A soccer team in Romania just traded their star player away for two
tons of meat. This has not happened since the Shaquille O'Neal trade.
Boxer Mike Tyson is suing Don King for fraud. I don't think Don King
is afraid of the electric chair. In fact, I think Don King thinks the
electric chair is a piece of hairstyling equipment.
A state appeals court in New Jersey ruled that the Boy Scouts of
America's ban on admitting gays violates laws against discrimination.
Two words: fancier neckerchiefs!
The Price is Right will tape its 5,000th episode today, and every
time I see it am so amazed at how *lifelike* Bob Barker is!
The Justice Department told an appeals court that Microsoft broke a
promise and used monopoly power to force its Web browsing software on
personal computer makers. The department claimed it had hard evidence,
but that it was difficult to assemble it using its 219 networked
Commodore 64s.
Lewis Peter Morgan was arrested for impersonating former Eagles
bassist Randy Meisner for 10 years. Interactive Punch Line Pick 'Em:
(1) I think I speak for everyone who loves Rock and Roll, when I say
"Randy WHO?" -- or -- (2) Police are believed to be close to
apprehending the Spice Girls for impersonating a musical group.
James Brolin and Barbra Streisand's wedding date is still up in the
air. "We don't want to rush into it," said a googly-eyed Streisand,
"until the last person on Earth is sickened by our relationship."
President Clinton is urging Americans to honor the memory of the late
Dr. Seuss and take a symbolic step toward improved education by
reading to their children. The President himself is known for taking
many a youngster on his lap.
Jim Rosenberg
Original Humor Content
Featuring the Daily Monologue of the Internet
http://www.wirecom.com/jim
------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 4 Mar 1998 06:57:23 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Another 50 Reasons Why It's Great to Be a Guy
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51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming
by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without
even thinking: "He must be mad at me".
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is
about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near you pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look
like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's
just too scary.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch
adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's
population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when your talking to them.
79. ESPN's SportsCenter.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell
your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it!"
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might
become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because your not in the
mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer
and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So ... notice
anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.
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Date: Wed, 4 Mar 1998 08:03:49 EST
From: Cyn MacG <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: college story <inoff>
This is a supposedly true story whose authenticity I cannot personally vouch
for.
A college student was in a philosophy class, where was a class discussion
about
wether or not God exists. The professor had the following logic: "Has anyone
in
this class heard God?" Nobody spoke. "Has anyone in this class touched God?"
Again, nobody spoke. "Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke
for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."
The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to
speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the
following questions of his classmates: "Has anyone in this class heard our
professor's brain?" Silence. "Has anyone in this class touched our
professor's brain?" Absolute silence. "Has anyone in this class seen our
professor's brain?" When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student
concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our
professor has no brain!" The student received an "A" in the class.
------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 4 Mar 1998 08:53:25 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: 50 Reasons Why It's Great to Be a Guy
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1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stop at every
shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of "useful stuff" around everywhere you
go.
17. You understand why 'Stripes' is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone
secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still
be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
37. If your 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
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Date: Wed, 4 Mar 1998 10:07:20 -0500
From: Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: some bodily functions and body parts mentioned.
I haven't seen this on humor, but if it has appeared, accept my apology.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Medical Institution
A collection of documentation statements actually found on patient's
charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were
written by various health care professionals including (we are afraid) a
doctor or two at several major hospitals.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the
pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The skin was moist and dry.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989
when she got a divorce.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran
out of gas and crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who
is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los
Angeles.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
stockbroker instead.
The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family
in no distress.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
--- Mike Dimond (madbird@juno.com)<><<><<><<><<><"Eschew Obfuscation"
_____________________________________________________________________
You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail.
Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://www.juno.com
Or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866]
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Date: Wed, 4 Mar 1998 10:18:22 -0500
From: George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Smudge HEADLINE <mostly political>
Right Wing Politicians, Right Wing Think Tanks,=20
Right Wing Talk Show Hosts, Right Wing Talking=20
Heads, the "Religious" Right and Right Wing Media=20
All Agree There is no "Vast Right Wing Conspiracy"
CONGRESS MULLS PLAN TO CHANGE "EL NI=D1O" TO "EL REAGAN"=20
HUGE BULLET HOLE FOUND IN G.GORDON LIDDY'S HEAD;=20
BULLET MISSED HIS BRAIN
"NANNY" CASE PROMPTS CONGRESS TO CONSIDER DROPPING=20
JURY SYSTEM FOR PUBLIC OPINION POLLS!=20
EXCLUSIVE! VOTERS APPROVE "BABY-FREE" SECTIONS IN=20
RESTAURANTS=20
GIANT AL SHARPTON BALLOON ADDED TO THANKSGIVING DAY=20
PARADE=20
CONGRESS VOTES TO RUN THE GOVERNMENT LIKE A BUSINESS=20
--AMWAY!
NBC CHANGES NAME OF SUNDAY MORNING SHOW TO=20
"MEET THE RIGHT WING PSEUDO-PRESS"
TEACHERS CALL FOR COMPETENCY TEST FOR MEMBERS OF=20
CONGRESS!=20
SEN. THOMPSON TO HOLD HEARINGS ON BOOMING ECONOMY!=20
JOURNALIST FIRED FOR PRINTING UNSUBSTANTIATED RUMOR=20
ABOUT PRESIDENT CLINTON=20
These funny headlines come from=20
http://www.smudgereport.com/
------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 4 Mar 1998 10:35:40 -0800
From: Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Fwd: (fwd) The Medical Institution (fwd)
>From: Rosemary Ceravolo <ceravolo@intac.com> and Crash 24601
<crash@inetnebr.com>
A collection of documentation statements actually found on patient's
charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were
written by various health care professionals including (we are afraid) a
doctor or two at several major hospitals.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the
pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The skin was moist and dry.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989
when she got a divorce.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran
out of gas and crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who
is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los
Angeles.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
stockbroker instead.
The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family
in no distress.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu
------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 4 Mar 1998 16:32:42 -0500
From: Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Nixon vs. Clinton
Nixon vs. Clinton
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Water Bed
Nixon: His biggest fear the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear a Cold Sore
Nixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet burning
Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her
Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case
Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: No difference
Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him and say "He's the one"
Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bring widows to their peak
Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot
Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on Ho
Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her
------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 4 Mar 1998 16:37:12 EST
From: DHughes250 <DHughes250@AOL.COM>
Subject: The game
A computer programmer and an engineer were sitting next to each other on an
airplane. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he wants to
play a fun game. The engineer just wants to sleep, so he politely declines,
turns away and tries to sleep. The programmer persists and explains that it
is a really easy game. He says, "I ask a question and if you don't kow the
answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the
answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to
sleep.
The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the
answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I pay you $50!"
Now, that got the engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The
programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to
the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches for his wallet
instead and hands the programmer $5.
Now it is the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer, "What goes up a hill
with three legs and comes down on four?" The programmer looks at him with a
puzzled expression, takes out his notebook computer, looks through all his
references, and after about half an hour, wakes the engineer and hands the
engineer $50. The engineer politely takes the $50, turns away and tries to
return to sleep.
The programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well, what's the answer to the
question?"
Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the
programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.
------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 4 Mar 1998 19:40:00 EST
From: SueS7 <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Guy walks into a bar
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk,
and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a
belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely
informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty
to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and
could a cab be called for him?
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles,
climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door
of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The
bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly,
refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again
offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a
moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door,
all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the
BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool,
gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender
comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is
clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the
police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless
anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?
------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 4 Mar 1998 17:31:40 -0800
From: Larry Saunders <lsaunder@PEPPERDINE.EDU>
Subject: Great White Ape (in-off)
A man reads in the paper of a white gorilla in a zoo far away. He
decides that he just has to see it. The journey will be a long and
arduous one but he simply cannot resist. He sets out on his trip and
travels by car to the docks, and catches a boat across a huge ocean.
After weeks of sea travel he arrives at the other side and takes a train
to the zoo.
When he sees the white gorilla he can't believe his eyes, it's the most
beautiful thing he's ever seen. He simply must get a closer look, so he
goes to the zoo manager and begs to be allowed into the gorilla's cage.
After much arguing the man finally persuades the manager to let him in
to the gorilla's cage, but before he does he tells the man that whatever
he does he must not under any circumstances touch the white gorilla. The
man agrees and is led to the cage. He tip-toes into the cage and is
amazed, the gorilla is even more beautiful close up than it was from a
distance. The white gorilla just sits quietly and looks at the man.
After a while the man gets use to being so close to the gorilla and it
seems so peaceful and calm that he starts to think that there can't be
any harm in touching the gorilla. He slowly moves closer and closer to
it, all the time the white gorilla just looks calmly at him. He reaches
out his arm and gently touches the gorilla. Just as his arm makes
contact the gorilla jumps up and starts roaring. The man turns and runs
to the exit, getting there just before the gorilla. He leaps through the
door and the keepers slam the door just in time. The gorilla, pulls at
the door and to the man's horror the bars start to bend.
The man runs out of the zoo and to the train station and jumps on the
train, which as luck would have it is just leaving. He glances back and
can see the gorilla chasing after the train, but not gaining on it. The
train arrives at the docks and the man quickly scampers aboard the boat.
The boat leaves and the man thinks he's safe at last. He relaxes and
starts to enjoy the leisurely cruise back across the ocean. The day
they're due back in port he's walking on deck when he sees a small shape
in the water trailing behind the boat. He can't make it out so he
borrows a pair of binoculars from someone. He focuses the binoculars on
the small shape and is horrified to discover that it's the white
gorilla, swimming behind the boat. It must have been there all along.
The boat then arrives in port and the man hurries through customs and
rushes to his car. He drives off just in time to see the gorilla
climbing out of the ocean from his rear view mirror. He drives as fast
as he can to his house and runs in locking the door behind him. All the
time being followed be the huge white gorilla. The gorilla starts
pounding on the door and having seen what it did to the cage at the zoo
the man knows it won't take it very long to get in. He runs from room
to room trying to think of a place he can hide. He hears the door
shatter and dives into a wardrobe and pulls the door closed behind him.
Outside the gorilla is going mad trying to find the man, he's ripping
things up and tearing out doors. Finally, he comes to the wardrobe the
man is hiding in and rips the door off. The gorilla sees the man and
smiles, reaches out a massive hand and gently touches the man and
says........
.........Tag, you're it!
------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 4 Mar 1998 21:51:12 +0000
From: JBR Humor <jimr@POBOXES.COM>
Subject: Topical Jokes (some adult themes, language)
Liz Taylor is suffering from a fracture in her lower back and will
remain hospitalized for several more days. Doctors say it is not
serious, though -- and she should be up and marrying again in no time.
The British tabloid SUN is reporting that Camilla Parker Bowles is
secretly staying overnight with Prince Charles in his London home.
Elton John immediately released "The Bitch is Back, 1998" in hopes of
another big payday.
A judge agreed Tuesday to allow jailed movie actor Robert Downey Jr.
to take two more days leave from prison to do post-production work on
a film. When he returns to jail, he will resume his duties as "Best
Boy" of Cell Block B.
The tenor Luciano Pavarotti received a U.N. citation on Tuesday for
using his "unique voice" to spread the word of peace. Pavarotti is
technically a part of the United Nations, since his personal land mass
exceeds that of Luxembourg and two other member nations.
Vietnam said that due to its rat infestation problem, it was
ordering its cat restaurants to close and will encourage people to eat
rats instead. Did somebody say McDonald's?
Sgt. Maj. Gene McKinney, accused of sexual harrassment, took the
stand in his own defense this week. He was reprimanded by the Judge
for answering every single question with "You can't handle the truth!
The memory of Trevor Rees-Jones, the sole survivor of the deadly car
crash that killed Princess Diana, is coming back in odd ways. He now
remembers a white car chasing them, and claims to have seen a second
shooter in the grassy knoll.
President Clinton plans to announce on Thursday that NASA is naming
the first female commander of a space shuttle mission. "For her
superior work servicing rockets both before and after blastoff, I am
pleased to name Miss Monica Lewinsky ..."
Titanic has become the first film in history to pass the $1 billion
mark at the worldwide box office. It's so popular, Carnival is now
offering a "Horrible Watery Death Cruise" with your host, Captain Jack
Kevorkian.
Robert De Niro, who was recently alleged to be involved in an
international call girl ring, has been deemed by the Vatican to be
unsuitable to recite poetry written by Pope John Paul II for a planned
CD. Interactive Punch Line Pick 'Em! (1) De Niro has dispatched Joe
Pesci to "discuss the matter" with the Holy Father, -- or -- (2) The
Pontiff is said to be reconsidering after waking up next to horse head
this morning.
On this day in 1960, Elvis Presley was discharged from the Army after
two years of service. Not a moment too soon, because Presley later
had so many different drugs in his body, he was technically considered
a chemical weapon.
Jim Rosenberg
Original Humor Content
Featuring the Daily Monologue of the Internet
http://www.wirecom.com/jim
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Date: Thu, 5 Mar 1998 09:42:16 -0500
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Experiences of The Past
Our work environment has called for a lot of refinement in our language
(English) that it is high time that we pay rich tributes to one of the
'pioneers' of Ingliees - yes, my school PT (Physical Training) master..
..of eight years ago..
Some of his world-famous utterances are given below...
# His name-board reads "A.DEVARAJ, B.A,M.A"
# Inside the Class :
* Open the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
* Cut an apple into two halves - take the bigger half.
* Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal just passed away...
* You, meet me behind the class.
# About his family : I have two daughters. Both of them are girls...(?)
# Reading out a circular/notice :
Those who have not tied the p(f)ees must tie it in front of Diwali.
# At the ground :
* All of you, stand in a straight circle.
* There is no wind in the ball.
* (to a boy, angrily)...I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk ?
* (giving a punishment)...You, rotate the ground four times. ...You, go and
under-stand the tree. ...You three of you, stand together separately.
* (in a stern voice)...Why are you late - say YES or NO ....(?)
# PT at his best :
Our PT had once gone to a film along with his wife. By chance,he happened
to see one of our boys at the theatre, though the boy did not see them. So
the next day at school...
PT(to that boy) - Yesterday I saw you WITH MY WIFE at the Cinema Theatre
Boy(terrifed) - No sir, no, it defintely wasn't me.........
# Our Science teachers were no way 'left' behind... PROOF :
* Take an elephant (element!) of negligible weight.
* Take a copper wire of ANY metal...and pour a LIQUID solution of
Sulphuric acid in a round bottom flask of ANY shape.
Chalapathi
B-)
"Plus ca change,plus c'est la meme chose"
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Date: Wed, 4 Mar 1998 22:04:40 -0700
From: Emko Witteveen <ewitt@INCENTRE.NET>
Subject: Old ladies and condoms <risque>
Origin unknown
Two old ladies (Ethel and Enid) were waiting for a bus and Ethel was smoking a
cigarettes. It started to rain so she reached into her bag,took out a
condom and after cutting off the tip, she slipped it over her cigarette and
continued to smoke.
"Hey, that's a good idea." Enid said. "What is it that you put over your
cigarette?"
"A condom," Ethel replied.
"Where do you get them from?" Enid asked and Ethel told her friend that she
could get them at any pharmacy.
Later that day Enid went to a drug store and asked for a condom. The
pharmacist was rather puzzled that someone so elderly would be interested
in condoms, but he asked her what size she would like.
"One that will fit a Camel," she replied.
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