Digest for Thursday, April 02, 1998
There are 16 messages totalling 718 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Babies
- Two Puns
- If the shoe fits . . .
- TOP TEN DRUG USING CARTOON SUSPECTS
- Lost Between Baby Boomer and Gen Xer
- How To Unsubscribe
- Preaching (Not offensive)
- Top5-4/2/98-Ways to Celebrate Spring
- Humor:Thought provoking?
- Top Psychic in Traffic Jam
- Odd Things to Do in a car.
- Letter Home From School
- Remember When?
- Wimmin again..
- Clinton Seeks Advice
- two men jokes (Ladies, enjoy!)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Apr 1998 03:25:16 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Babies <one innuendo joke>
* There are so many outdated quaint expressions concerning
both a new baby and an expectant Mother. One time in Church
a Lady noticed Mrs JimJr's "condition" and said, "Oh, I see
you're expecting a 'little stranger'."
I replied, "Well, yeah. But I'm sure we'll all get to know
each other soon enuff."
- - - - -
* I can remember when our daughter Sandy started teething. Mrs
JimJr was wondering if that was the problem as to her crying. I
said, "Well, let me check." As I was about to stick my finger
in Sandy's mouth and feel her gums.
Mrs JimJr recoiled in horror and said, "Wait ! Boil it first."
- - - - -
* My ancestry is English and there's even a town over there where
my roots can be traced called "Warrington" (my middle name). In
keeping with the family tradition, we used to call JimJr Jr the
"Prince of Wails" when he was a baby.
- - - - -
* What never made much sense to me though is why people without any
children and those with children both feel sorry for each other.
- - - - -
* A man stood in front of the glass window looking at all the new
babies in Saint Agnes Hospital. As Father O'Hara happened by, he
stopped; asked the man which was his, & if it was his firstborn.
The man pointed out his new son, then said, "No Father, this is
my fifth child."
The Father smiled and replied, "Oh, excellent. And what Parish
do you attend my son ?"
"None Father." the man responded cooly. "I've been a Lutheran
all of my life."
The Father feigned a smile then moved away. As he passed the
Nurse's Station, he whispered, "Keep an eye on that fellow over
by the Nursery. There's a good chance he's a sex fiend."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
April is UGA HumorList Month; to subscribe,
Send an e-mail to: listserv@uga.cc.uga.edu
leave the subject area blank;
in the BODY of the letter, type:
SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Apr 1998 02:32:15 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Two Puns
Pat: Hey, Chris! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was
really something special.
Chris: To tell you the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy
who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.
Pat: You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing
like a bird? I can't believe it!
Chris: Well, yeah. After all, he's a parrot-fish.
Pat: I hate to tell you this, Chris, but while you might be able to
teach a parrot-bird to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a
parrot-fish.
Chris: That's what you think! He can sing all right. The thing is, he
keeps singing off-key. It's driving me crazy. .... Do you know how hard
it is to tuna fish?
A guy walks into a bar with a lizard sitting on his shoulder. He says to
the bartender, " A double whiskey for me and," pointing to the lizard,
"A half-pint of Guinness for Tiny here." "Why do you call him Tiny?"
asked the bartender. The man answered, .... "Because he's my newt."
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Apr 1998 07:01:10 -0500
From: Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: If the shoe fits . . .
A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to
Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his
mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,
why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the
stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess , "If big dogs have baby dogs
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
He said that she had.
So she said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Apr 1998 07:05:16 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: TOP TEN DRUG USING CARTOON SUSPECTS
10. Gargamel (From the Smurfs)
Most likely LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in
sissy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan
to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?
9. Olive Oyl
Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that
skinny?! She might even be anorexic, she IS always giving her burger
to her friend. One side question, what the heck are Popeye and Brutus
thinking? They almost made the list for dating her.
8. Snagglepuss
Can't explain it. Maybe it's the name, or the look, but he is
definitely suspicious.
7. He-Man
This is an easy one. I mean c'mon. Roid monkey #1. "BY THE POWER OF
ANABOL!!!!!!" Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his
castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the
stuff in his pet tiger. Animal Abuse!
6.& 5. Yogi and Boo Boo
We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back
to the cave and trip. Another side: Are they gay? I mean, take a
look at BooBoo. Not that there's anything wrong with that.....
4. Droopy Dog
The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can't someone slip him an
upper every year or two. The only time I ever saw him happy is when he
sees the picture of the babe.
3. Dopey (Dwarf)
He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are
under investigation. Allegations are that Doc is writing some extra
'scripts' for Sneezy and all the guys partaking are afloat.
2. Daffy Duck
If he isn't using crack, Marion Barry is clean. He is so wired he
bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the
time. Some symptoms might be from "daffiness" but Haldol wouldn't
work for him.
1. Shaggy
By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy
converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the
Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats (scooby snacks)
consumed per episode smokes pot. And look at the way he and his
friends painted that van!
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Apr 1998 06:29:41 -0600
From: Jennifer Walker <jkwalker@TENET.EDU>
Subject: Lost Between Baby Boomer and Gen X'er <Part 2 of 2>
Lost Between Baby Boomer and Gen X'er--Part 2 of 2
26. U2 is too popular and mainstream for you now.
27. You remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch
from the first scene.
28. You had a frontrow seat for Luke and Laura's wedding on
General Hospital.
29. You're parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you
decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes
anyway.
30. You know who shot JR.
31. This rings a bell: "...and my name is Charlie. They work
for me."
32. You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on after all.
33. You know all the words to the double album set of Grease.
34. You ever had a Dorothy Hamil haircut.
35. You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed
867-5309 to see if Jenny would answer.
36. "All skate, change directions", means something to you.
37. You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used
to wear.
38. You bought a pair of Vanns and wanted to order a pizza in
history class so you could be just like Jeff Spicoli.
39. You owned a preppy handbook.
40. You were too young to go see the Blue Lagoon so you just
had to settle for second hand reports.
41. You remember when there was only PG and R.
42. You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and
still carry the emotional scars to this day.
43. You remember when your cable TV box had a sliding selector
switch.
44. Your jaw would ache by the time you finished those brick
sized packages of Bazooka gum.
45. Bo and Luke Duke.
46. VCRs cost $2,000.
47. There was nothing strange about Bert and Ernie living
together.
48. Rotary dial telephones.
49. You actually believed that Mikey, famed for his Life cereal
commercials, died after eating a packet of pop rocks and
drinking a Coke.
50. The theme song to Greatest American Hero still comes back to
you on occasion.
51. (BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I'M WALKING ON AIR...)
52. You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the
following phases: When I was younger...When I was your
age...
You know, back when...
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Apr 1998 08:06:27 EST
From: Owen KL <OwenKL@AOL.COM>
Subject: How To Unsubscribe
Given that so many people are having trouble confirming their
subscription, you may want to drop off the list completely. Here are
some instructions you may wish to keep if it gets to be to much for you.
These instructions were forwarded to me from another list (apologies for
cross-posting!)
Here's how to unsubscribe:
First, ask your Internet Provider to mail you an Unsubscribing Kit.
Then follow these directions.
The kit will most likely be the standard no-fault type. Depending on
requirements, System A and/or System B can be used. When operating
System A, depress lever and a plastic dalkron unsubscriber will be
dispensed through the slot immediately underneath. When you have
fastened the adhesive lip, attach connection marked by the large "X"
outlet hose. Twist the silver- coloured ring one inch below the
connection point until you feel it lock.
The kit is now ready for use. The Cin-Eliminator is activated by the
small switch on the lip. When securing, twist the ring back to its
initial condition, so that the two orange lines meet. Disconnect.
Place the dalkron unsubscriber in the vacuum receptacle to the rear.
Activate by pressing the blue button.
The controls for System B are located on the opposite side. The red
release switch places the Cin-Eliminator into position; it can be
adjusted manually up or down by pressing the blue manual release
button. The opening is self- adjusting. To secure after use, press
the green button, which simultaneously activates the evaporator and
returns the Cin-Eliminator to its storage position.
You may log off if the green exit light is on over the evaporator .
If the red light is illuminated, one of the Cin-Eliminator
requirements has not been properly implemented. Press the "List Guy"
call button on the right of the evaporator . He will secure all
facilities from his control panel.
To use the Auto-Unsub, first undress and place all your clothes in
the clothes rack. Put on the velcro slippers located in the cabinet
immediately below. Enter the shower, taking the entire kit with you.
On the control panel to your upper right upon entering you will see a
"Shower seal" button. Press to activate. A green light will then be
illuminated immediately below. On the intensity knob, select the
desired setting. Now depress the Auto-Unsub activation lever. Bathe
normally.
The Auto-Unsub will automatically go off after three minutes unless
you activate the "Manual off" override switch by flipping it up. When
you are ready to leave, press the blue "Shower seal" release button.
The door will open and you may leave. Please remove the velcro
slippers and place them in their container.
If you prefer the ultrasonic log-off mode, press the indicated blue
button. When the twin panels open, pull forward by rings A & B. The
knob to the left, just below the blue light, has three settings, low,
medium or high. For normal use, the medium setting is suggested.
After these settings have been made, you can activate the device by
switching to the "ON" position the clearly marked red switch. If
during the unsubscribing operation, you wish to change the settings,
place the "manual off" override switch in the "OFF" position. You may
now make the change and repeat the cycle. When the green exit light
goes on, you may log off and have lunch. Please close the door behind
you.
___________________________________________________________
Shawn C Brouwer Norma Marion Alloway Library
Circulation Coordinator Trinity Western University
Telephone (604)513-2023 7600 Glover Road
http://www.twu.ca Langley, BC V2Y 1Y1 Canada
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Apr 1998 07:58:44 -0500
From: Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Preaching (Not offensive)
From: RELHUMOR-LIST@LISTSERV.ACSU.BUFFALO.EDU
Enjoy!
A minister was telling his grandson a thrilling bedtime story. The little lad
was listening breathlessly, when he stopped his grandfather and asked,
"Grandpa, is that a true story or were you just preaching again?"
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Apr 1998 05:53:10 -0500
From: John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5-4/2/98-Ways to Celebrate Spring
April 2, 1998
The Top 16 Ways to Celebrate Spring Internationally
16> RUSSIA: Get off the mile-long line for firewood; get in the
mile-long line for umbrellas.
15> HOLLAND: Annual Easter Clog Toss ("Watch out, Hans!")
14> VATICAN CITY: The Pope presides over the ceremonial casting
out the first sinner.
13> ISRAEL: Throw cute little stuffed animals filled with rocks
at the Palestinians.
12> LIECHTENSTEIN: Send annual "we're still a country" notification
to the U.N.
11> CHERNOBYL: Night Parade Of the Glow-In-The-Dark Chickens
10> JAKARTA: Child-Labor Factory #4 switches from making Kathie Lee
scarves to Nike running shoes.
9> TEHRAN: Can now attend "Death to America" rally in shorts.
8> BAGHDAD: Before inspectors begin their hunt, replace anthrax
eggs with slightly less nauseating Cadbury eggs.
7> PRAGUE: Tank tops (with real tanks).
6> TOKYO: Godzilla turns his fancy from a path of destruction to
thoughts of love.
5> FRANCE: French Army stocks up on white flags at annual White
Sale.
4> ENGLAND: Leichester Larry comes out of his flat and smiles.
If any teeth are straight, 6 more weeks of rain -- otherwise,
5.5 more weeks of rain.
3> IRELAND: Swimsuit issue of "Soccer Hooligan Illustrated" hits
newsstands.
2> BOSNIA: Annual switch to "Daylight Bombing Time" requires
setting your quality of life back another decade.
and the Number 1 Way to Celebrate Spring Internationally...
1> GERMANY: Order the flowers to bloom.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
----------------------------------------------------------------
Today's Runners Up list, "Bloomin' Idiots", is at:
http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa980209/www.zdnet.com/wsources/topfive/tr040198.html
(The Runner Up list gets posted to the website around 10am, EDT)
================================================================
Ruminations & Ponderances
It's too bad the Southern Hemisphere can't
split off and join the Northern Hemisphere
for a truly International Spring celebration.
But then aliens might mistake us for Dolly Parton's bra.
(Thanks to Dave Wesley)
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Apr 1998 11:17:51 EST
From: JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:Thought provoking?
> Don't try this with your own apes.
>
> Primate Committee Thinking Experiment
> =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
>
> Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana
> on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to
> the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he
> touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a
> while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result-all the apes
> are sprayed with cold water.
>
> Turn off the cold water.
>
> If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will
> try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.
>
> Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The
> New ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his
> horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and
> attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be
> assaulted.
>
> Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a
> New one.
>
> The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous
> Newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
>
> Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one
> makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well.
>
> Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not
> permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the
> beating of the newest ape.
>
> After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes
> which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced.
> Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?
>
> "Because that's the way it's always been around here."
>
> Sound familiar?
>
> Thanx to L. Rodney Ford
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Apr 1998 11:54:39 -0500
From: Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: Top Psychic in Traffic Jam
I find this message funny whether you agree with me or not:
>Rita Rogers - Princess Diana's 'psychic' - was due to appear on BBC Radio
>Five Live's 'Magazine Program today. When she didn't make the scheduled
>appearance I telephoned the BBC to ask why.
>
>Apparently she arrived at the studio too late because she was stuck in a
>traffic jam. As this is the woman who is now claiming that she predicted
>Diana's accident you might ask why she hadn't predicted the traffic jam
>and/or avoided it.
>
>I was told that she will now appear tomorrow or next Wednesday. Her psychic
>powers don't seem reliable enough to have told them exactly when she'll be
>there. But then, after today's fiasco, perhaps she's being more careful.
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Apr 1998 14:41:49 EST
From: TheMan5000 <TheMan5000@AOL.COM>
Subject: Odd Things to Do in a car. <not offensive>
1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of
fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it
looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when
driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or
sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an
obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them,
stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the
window.
22. While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
23. Paint your car with occult symbols.
24. Keep at least five cats in the car.
25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray to roadkill.
29. Throw Spam.
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Apr 1998 16:04:29 -0500
From: Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Letter Home From School
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if
you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear
from you.
Love,
Your $on.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh
to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of
kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Apr 1998 15:23:18 -0800
From: Michael J. Irvin <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Remember When?
Remember when....
A computer was something on TV
>From a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean....
And RAM was the cousin of a goat.....
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was your middle finger upright
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
You hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead
-author unknown
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Fri, 3 Apr 1998 09:41:51 -0500
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Wimmin again.. <adult>
If Women are like software, then. those women with -
1) very good front-end fall into - 'Power Builder'.
2) very good back-end -'Sybase'.
3) Both front-end and back-end are reasonably good - 'Oracle'.
4) uttermost feminine qualities - 'C++'.
5) beautiful features and with the passage of time still
attractive - 'UNIX'.
6) Though very attractive once, now not so charming 'Ingress'.
7) Beautiful receptionist - 'Desktop'.
8) Beautiful personal secretary - 'Laptop'.
9) Go with everyone who desires - 'Client-server'.
10) Stick to one and only one person at a time - 'DOS'.
11) Functionally Attractive and explosive features - 'SAP'
12) Can handle large stuff, but still stable - 'IDMS'
13) Looks good, but problematic when you handle - 'DB2'
14) Flat Back-end and Front-end, but still woman - 'IMS'
and, can't escape because I am using it now...
15) Women, I mean, Windows 95/NT/whatever..., can't leave them,
can't live without them, and can't kill them.
Chalapathi
And More Of His
Four-Line
Signatures! :-)
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Fri, 3 Apr 1998 00:32:37 EST
From: Minnstrall <Minnstrall@AOL.COM>
Subject: Clinton Seeks Advice
Clinton Seeks Advice
Clinton, distraught and contemplating his latest scandal was
walking through Washington looking for any kind of guidance.
He walks up to the Washington Monument, looks up and says,
"George, you were always wise, what should I do?"
Low and behold, a voice comes down from above and says,
"ABOLISH THE I.R.S. AND START OVER." Clinton, amazed
that he is talking to the past President thinks he'll try it again.
He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and utters the same
request. "Thomas, you never had these kind of problems, what
can I do to rally people behind me?"
Again a voice from above answers, "WELFARE, ITS NOT
WORKING, ABOLISH IT, START OVER."
After hearing this Clinton is so excited he is planning to go to
all the historic sites for guidance. Next he goes to the Lincoln
Memorial. "Abe, I need your help, people are losing confidence
in me and they no longer trust me what should I do?"
After a substantial pause Abe responds, "TAKE THE DAY OFF
GO TO THE THEATER."
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Apr 1998 23:55:49 -0700
From: Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: two men jokes <adult> (Ladies, enjoy!)
What do you get when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
What is the difference between a golf ball and the G spot?
A man will spend more than 10 minutes searching for a golf ball.
Janelle
~~~~~~~
Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index