Digest for Friday, April 03, 1998
There are 7 messages totalling 363 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Teen Sex
- 2 Puns: Ice Cream and Tim Allen
- Top5-4/3/98 - Special Prosecutor RINGO Starr
- Code Words
- HUMOR Cultural differences (offends everyone]
- Humor: More Toon druggies
- Nixon vs. Clinton
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Date: Fri, 3 Apr 1998 03:23:58 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Teen Sex <adult humor>
* Debby wasn't home, and it was getting awfully late. Not
knowing any of her girlfriend's phone numbers, her Mother
fired-up Debbi's computer & saw a list of e-mail addresses.
She sent a note to each name asking if they knew where her
daughter was.
Within twenty minutes, she got back 16 replies all saying
that she wasn't to worry, that Debby was spending the night
at their house and had neglected to telephone.
- - - - -
* The teenage girl was applying for a part time job after
school. During the interview, she was asked: "What was your
last position ?"
Without hesitation, she replied, "Missionary."
- - - - -
* When I was in high-school, Joel, a buddy of mine & I were
discussing a girl from French class we had both befriended.
Her family had recently relocated to the metro area from a
farm way out in the sticks. We both agreed that we'd never
met a sweeter girl before, but she was too naive & trusting.
Joel said, "Listen, for her own good, and as her friends,
we've got to teach her quickly what's right & what's wrong."
I replied, "Agreed ! You teach her what's right"
- - - - -
* Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey
seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time
thinking about sex and girls."
The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution,
please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."
- - - - -
* A 13 year old was watching a movie on cable TV. A man
ripped off a woman's blouse and said, "I want what I want
when I want it !"
The boy, turned on by the scene and the love-making which
followed, finished watching the movie, & decided to try what
he had just witnessed on the girl next door, a classmate.
He went over to her house, found that her parents weren't
home from work yet, and ripped off her blouse; then said,
"I want what I want when I want it !"
The girl stared at him and cooly replied, "You'll get what
I got when I get it !"
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Date: Fri, 3 Apr 1998 00:44:57 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: 2 Puns: Ice Cream and Tim Allen
A couple with a mutual craving for something sweet drove to the nearest
Baskin-Robbins. Having bought ice cream cones, they returned to their
car to be comfortable. As they settled back to enjoy themselves, two
crows landed on the front hood and began to churp and flutter, and to
peck at the windshield. The man finally figured out what they wanted. He
opened the window, and put his cone on the hood. The birds immediately
settled down and began eating it. "You're wonderful." said the girl,
"How did you ever think of it?" "Nothing to it," he replied. "It was
just a case of .... stilling two birds with one cone."
It's funny how these things come to me. I was watching Tim Allen's TV
show the other night. We all know how he gets off on implements and
tools. I easily could imagine him building a marvelous tool shed in the
back yard, a tool shed that is the primary attraction and center of
attention when looking out through the large bay window in his living
room. Then, I can see him standing in the living room, looking out upon
his work, and rejoicing, ... "Lord, what tools these portals see."
(By Alan Combs)
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Date: Fri, 3 Apr 1998 05:58:52 -0500
From: John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5-4/3/98 - Special Prosecutor RINGO Starr
April 3, 1998
NOTE FROM CHRIS: For those of our readers who have been lucky
enough to be spared the daily media deluge regarding our colorful
American President, Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr is the man
behind the efforts to investigate Mr. Clinton for activities
ranging from illegal land deals to sexual improprieties to using
too much toilet paper in the Oval Office bathroom.
Here at Top5, we've been wondering what would have happened
if someone else been appointed Special Prosecutor...
The Top 15 Differences if the
Special Prosecutor were RINGO Starr
15> All charges dropped after grand jury concludes, "She loves you,
and you know that can't be bad."
14> Courthouse overflowing with shrieking 50-something women with
heavy eyeliner and cat glasses.
13> Finally, someone the President can share a bong with.
12> Years on the case and $40 million down the drain, and he still
can't prove whether Paul is dead.
11> He gets by with a little help from his sleazeball scum-sucking
ambulance-chasing lawyer friends.
10> Calling for order involves an elaborate "gavel solo."
9> If you play Linda Tripp's tapes backwards, you hear, "I buried
Vince Foster."
8> Pete Best shows up on every Sunday morning talk show whining
about how he could do a better job.
7> Nobody seems to want to listen to the secret recordings made
by Yoko.
6> Hillary dismisses the accusations as part of a "vast Blue
Meanie conspiracy."
5> Sexual harassment and adultery: Who cares?
Playing Fleetwood Mac at Democratic convention: Impeach him!
4> Linda Tripp suddenly ceases to be the butt-ugliest person
involved in the scandal.
3> Ringo Starr: "Ludwig" refers to brand of drums.
Ken Starr: "Ludwig" refers to business trip to Berlin a few
years ago, the memory of which causes frequent nightmares
about his *own* past being investigated.
2> Giggles uncontrollably whenever he hears Kathleen Willey's
last name.
and the Number 1 Difference if the
Special Prosecutor were RINGO Starr...
1> No difference whatsoever -- They're both trying to get the
public to buy tapes that suck.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
================================================================
Ruminations & Ponderances
Give a man food, and he can eat for a day.
Give a man a job, and he can
only eat for 30 minutes on break.
(Thanks to Lev L. Spiro)
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Date: Fri, 3 Apr 1998 06:59:45 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Code Words
A doctor started having an affair with his nurse, and shortly thereafter,
she anounced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find
out, he gave her a large sum of money and asked her to go to Germany to
wait out the pregnancy. "How will you know when the baby is born?" she
asked.
"Just send me a postcard and write Sauerkraut on it" he replied Not
knowing what else to do, the young woman took the money and went off to
Germany.
Six months later, the doctor's wife called him at his office "Dear, you
received a very strange postcard in the mail today", she said. "I don't
understand what it means."
"Just wait till I get home and I'll read it," he replied. Later that
evening, the doctor came home and read his postcard which said:
"SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT; TWO WITH WEINERS, ONE WITHOUT!!"
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Date: Fri, 3 Apr 1998 07:48:18 +0000
From: sarahsod <sarahsod@RIVNET.NET>
Subject: HUMOR Cultural differences (offends everyone]
Cultural differences:
There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere
where the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle
of nowhere ....
The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman
The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily
together in a menage a trois
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they
alternate with the German woman
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek
woman is cleaning and cooking for them
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to
the English woman
The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look
at the woman and started swimming.
The two Swedish men are contemplating suicide while the
gorgeous woman goes on talking about her body being her own
and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not
snowing and the taxes are low.
The Irish began by setting up a distillery. They don't
remember if sex is in the picture, cause it gets sort of
foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey
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Date: Fri, 3 Apr 1998 12:49:12 -0600
From: Rowe, Thomas <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Humor: More Toon druggies
And if they don't make the top 10 list, some other cartoons are also mighty
suspicious
Speedy Gonzales. Hey, c'mon. Was there ever a rodent when Amphetamine
abuse is so obvious? And did you notice, he runs out and gets the food for
everyone, but does he ever eat any?
Elmer Fudd: No question, the boy trips on Ecstacy. I mean, listen to that
laugh, would you?
Miss Piggy. Bufotineine. Kermit the Frog. Need I say more?
Wile E. Coyote. Now here's a total PCP burnout case. Not only does he feel
no pain, but he's too brain damaged to know he's licked.
Yosemite Sam is another Angel Dust suspect. His aggression knows no bounds,
but despite being shot by cannons at point blank range, he just gets madder
and meaner.
Snoopy, of course, likes to trip out with grass. Mostly, he's pretty
mellowed out, but when he gets his paws on that Hash Oil, hey, its WWI
flying Ace time.
What I want to know is, what does that wascally wabbit Bugs use???
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Date: Fri, 3 Apr 1998 20:16:40 -0500
From: C and R <doglover@BIT-NET.COM>
Subject: Nixon vs. Clinton <offensive to Nixon and/or Clinton Fans...adult>
Nixon vs. Clinton
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed
Nixon: His biggest fear was the cold war
Clinton: His biggest fear is the cold sore
Nixon: Carpet Bombing
Clinton: Carpet Burns
Nixon: His Vice President is a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a Geek
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop Kissing Her
Nixon: His Nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: No Difference
Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tapes
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD Bra in his brief case
Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's the One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing and saying "He's the One"
Nixon: Famous for Widow's Peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widow's to their peak
Nixon: Well Acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well Acquainted with G Spot
Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on Ho, Left Mess on Chin
Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with Honor
Clinton: Talked about getting a piece while on her.
<center>Our Home page
http://www.bit-net.com/~doglover
</center>Going for Two Thousand Hits by May 1st, 1998...wont you please
help out with a visit?
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