Digest for Sunday, April 05, 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 301 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Doctors
- The kittens ( offensive to Communists)
- A Quick Question
- Code words/Marriage (adult themes)
- Home Puns
- Humor - Weird Business News #4
- Quips & Quotes
- Zen Hot Dog
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Date: Sun, 5 Apr 1998 04:17:09 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Doctors
* A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room, and said
to himself every so often, "Lord I hope I'm sick !"
After about the 5th or 6th time, the receptionist couldn't
stand it any longer and asked, "Why in the world would you
want to be sick Mr. Adams ?"
The man replied, "I'd hate to be well & feel like this."
- - - - -
* In a fancy restaurant in Columbia, a Yuppie started to choke
on a bone. A doctor rushed over, reassured the man that he
was going to be alright and identified himself as a doctor.
He performed the Heimlich Maneuver. The bone popped out.
As the man's breath & voice returned he said, "I'm ever so
grateful doctor, how can I ever repay you ?"
The doctor smiled and said, "I'll settle for one-tenth of
what you were willing to pay while you were choking."
- - - - -
* A doctor was being sued for malpractice and stood to lose
his practice. Desperate for cash, he decided to hold up a
bank. Nobody could read the hold-up note however.
- - - - -
* These fancy doctors in Columbia are just getting totally out
of control. I had to see a Urologist recently and had to make
an appointment to make an appointment.
- - - - -
* A word of advice to you other jokesters. Never let the
doctor know you write jokes. I had to have a throat culture
done. I asked the surgeon how soon I would know something
after I came out of the recovery room.
He looked at me and dead-panned, "You're expecting an awful
lot from a recovery room Mr Moore."
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Date: Sun, 5 Apr 1998 00:41:19 PST
From: r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: The kittens ( offensive to Communists)
A cat gave birth to kittens outside a Communist State kindergarten.
A boy rushed in to tell his teacher the good news. He added, " One
kitten spoke to me. It said that getting born in a Communist country was
the best thing that happened to it."
The teacher was totally excited. Here was a little boy so taken in by
all the propaganda that he actually believed Communism was heavenly.
She called the District Official to ask him to come over as soon as he
could.
As transportation was primitive, the District Official took some days to
get there.
He was given the best treatment and the boy was duly called to tell him
what the kitten had said.
The boy came in and said," The cat gave birth to kittens and one of the
kittens spoke to me. It said that being born in a Communist country was
the worst thing that had happened to it."
"But that is not what it said the last time you talked to me," the angry
teacher retorted.
" Yes," said the boy," since then its eyes have opened."
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Date: Sun, 5 Apr 1998 01:55:58 -0800
From: Roger Taranto <RTARANTO@US.ORACLE.COM>
Subject: A Quick Question
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
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Date: Sun, 5 Apr 1998 09:57:43 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Code words/Marriage (adult themes)
Mark and Sandra decide they don't want to discuss sex in front of their
4 and 6 year old children, so they decide to talk in code. One day Mark
is feeling a little bit turned on and says to little Katie, "Tell your
mother I would really like to type a letter." Katie runs off to find her
mom. "Mommy, mommy", shouts Katie, "Daddy would like to type a letter."
Sandra replies slightly sheepishly, "Katie, go and tell your daddy that
he can't type a letter today as there is a "red ribbon" in the
typewriter." Katie ran off to her father and says, "Daddy, daddy, mommy
says you can't type a letter today as there is a red ribbon in the
typewriter."
A few days later Sandra remembers Mark's request and she called Katie,
"Katie, tell your daddy that he can type that letter today." Katie went
off to look for her father and told him, "Daddy, mommy says you can type
the letter today." "That's OK, Katie", Mark says, "You can tell your
mother that I don't need the typewriter any more, I wrote the letter by
hand."
**************************************************************************
A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up. After work, she
went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home,
donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She
greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him
as they had a drink. She took a sip from her glass and slowly spread her
legs...."Honey, would you like some of this?"
"Hell no", he said, "Look what it's done to your underpants!!!"
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Date: Sun, 5 Apr 1998 12:40:39 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Home Puns
My husband is always complaining about my inability to stay on a budget
and about the costs of running the house in general. This has become
worse since we have had the twins. Everything is double ... clothes,
food, pediatrician bills. Lately, he has even been complaining about the
amount of baby powder I have been using on the twins to prevent them
from getting diaper rashes. I've had to remind him that ... talc is
cheap.
My brother and I used to fight over everything. Who would get the best
toy. Who would get the biggest treat. Well, on this rainy day Mother
discovered she only had one large lollipop for a treat and told us we
would have to share. My brother, who was two years older than me
suggested that he would take a wooden mallet and break it evenly for us
to share and I readily agreed, But when he hit it, it shattered into a
number of uneven pieces that we couldn't divide evenly. Mother told us
we should have expected that would occur. She said, ... "You can never
give a sucker an even break."
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Date: Sun, 5 Apr 1998 15:57:13 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #4
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Jim Barlow's Column, Houston Chronicle:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
APRIL FOOL'S DAY is gone, so we can write another episode of Weird
Business News without you thinking this is a spoof. No, here are actual
events in the world of business.
Now for the Chrome Fish Award. You've probably seen this symbol on the
rear of cars owned by some members of the Christian faith -- the stylized
outline of a fish. You may even have seen the one with a fish with feet and
the word, "Darwin."
Recently, I saw such a fish with teeth that made it unmistakably a shark.
I wrote down the license plate number, stood in line at the court house,
paid my $2, got the name of the car's owner, looked him up in the phone
book and sure enough. A lawyer.
Our Where's the Beef Award to Fantastic Foods of Petaluma, Calif. After
Oprah Winfrey was acquitted of libeling beef in an Amarillo court, the food
company donated 10 cases of meatless burgers to Amarillo's food bank.
The Plain English Award to Watkins-Johnson Co. of Gaithersburg, Md., which
announced "that a new version of the Base2(TM) MacroCell Base Station has
entered production and is the first commercially available dual-mode
AMPS/IS-136A software-definable base station for both mobile and fixed
wireless
applications."
The latest tale of the Technologically Challenged comes from the reader
who reports he encountered a would-be motorist in a parking lot who could
not get into her car because the battery in her remote door locker was
dead. It was, however, attached to her car keys. He was able to help.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Sun, 5 Apr 1998 16:52:24 -0700
From: Keith E. Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Quips & Quotes
QUIPS & QUOTES
Contrary to popular opinion, facts are not established by popular
opinion." --Don Watson, ISPE
I'm glad I'm not President of the United States, because then I would be
limited to having sex with pretty much whoever shows up in my office.
--Patti North-Rudin
In the midst of winter, I finally learned there was within me an
invincible summer. --Albert Camus
If there were no golf balls, how would we measure hail?
I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican. --Vice President Dan
Quayle
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
polls. --Vice President Dan Quayle
It's time for the human race to enter the solar system. --Vice President
Dan Quayle
Life is short, so we must move very slowly. --Thai proverb
If your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt. --Industrialist Henry
Frazier
It's too bad the Southern Hemisphere can't split off and join the
Northern Hemisphere for a truly International Spring celebration. But
then aliens might mistake us for Dolly Parton's bra. --Dave Wesley
Sleep is death without the responsibility. --Fran Leibowitz
Give a man food, and he can eat for a day. Give a man a job, and he can
only eat for 30 minutes on break. --Lev L. Spiro
When the snow is up to your knees, about the only thing to be thankful
for is that you're not eight feet tall. --Doug Larson
Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from the event,
deal with it and then move on. --Bob Newhart
Said one friend to another in an upscale coffee bar: "I wish you
wouldn't embarrass me by ordering PLAIN coffee. --S. Harris
It's spring! Now all those people who drive like jerks in the snow can
start driving like jerks in the rain. --J. Wagner
This wall paper is killing me. One of us will have to go. --Oscar
Wilde, on his death bed
Buy old masters. They fetch a better price than old mistresses. --Lord
Beaverbrook
Asked about his philosophy of life, President Harry S. Truman, a farmboy
at heart, replied, "Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day." --Merle
Miller
--
Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List
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Date: Mon, 6 Apr 1998 10:33:19 -0400
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Zen Hot Dog <clean>
New twist to old joke:
The Zen Master goes up to the hot dog cart and says," Make me one with
everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master,
who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and
closes it.
"Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.
And the vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
Chalapathi
And More Of His
Four-Line
Signatures! :-)
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