Digest for Monday, April 06, 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 482 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Redneck Computer =?iso-8859-1?Q?meenin=92s?= Part 1
- JimJrs Navy
- Country & Western Songs
- Humor:Poem
- Some days are better than others
- The Facelift
- Time Sure is Relative
- Why do Dogs lick themselves?
- Women!
- Humorous Interview...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sun, 5 Apr 1998 23:08:07 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Redneck Computer =?iso-8859-1?Q?meenin=92s?= Part 1
32 BIT RESOLUTION : moshun to spend four dollars
ADOBE PHOTOSHOP : red bilding ware you git yur pictur took
ALIAS : name ya use at a motel
ADDRESS : clothes worn by women and J. Edgar Hoover
ALTERNATE DRIVE : a detour
APPLE : needed for pan dowdy and fritters
APPLETS : little apples or fritters
APPLICATION : put salve on yur skin
ASCII: wen ya raise yur hand to go to the restrom
ASYNCHRONOUS TRANSMISSION : wen yur truck needs fizin
ATTACHMENT : feeling close to yur dog or wife
BACKUP : (1) takin the truk outa the driveway
(2) sleepin face down
(3) whatcha do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BACKUP DISC : spare frisbie
BANDWIDTH: mens are larger on a watch
BAR CODE: fightn rules at the local tavern
BAUD RATE : hourly charge at the motel
BINARY : someone who likes both men an women
BIT : (1) a wager as in I bit ya can't spit that chawin tibacco across the
road
(2) two bits is twenty-five cents
BROWSER : fella reedin PLAYBOY in the drug store
BUG : (1) thing on phone to check yur wife's calls
(2) reason to call in sick wen theres a ballgame
BYTE : wut them dang flys and muskitos do.
C++ : superior grade in skool
CABLE : TV with ESPN and HBO
CACHE needed when yur credit card maxs out and ya hav no food stamps
CD ROM : place in the bank ware they sell thos big notes
CLONES : (1) jobless fans of the jungle.
(2) guys in circus in funny suits
CHIP : (1) animal droppins
(2) munchies fer the TV
CLIPBOARD : place you keep yur ammo
COBAL : baseball game with men and gals at cumpany piknics
CODE : wen yu gotta snooty nose and coff
CODING : illegal drug that makes you high
COOKIE : snacks to keep the kids happy
CRASH : (1) wen yur truk hits a tree.
(2) wen you go to Juniors party uninvited
(3) wacha do wen yer too tired to do nuttin else
CURSOR : wucha do wen yur mad at yur wife
CYBERSPACE : war ya keep yur cider and six-packs
DEBUGGER : a roach motel
DESKTOP : place to keep yer homework
DESKTOP PRINTING : wen ya carve yur initials on yur skull desk
DIGITAL : (1) a questshun as digital furgit ta bring the beer
(2) numbers on a alarm clock
(3) art of countin on yur fingers
DIGITAL CONTROL : wut yur fingers do on the TV remote
DIGITAL SIGNATURE : fingerprints
DISC OPERATING SYSTEM : Wat the doc uses to fix yur floppy disc
DISKETTE : female disco dancer
DOMAIN : most importint as he's domain boss
DOS : (1) opposite of donts
(2) opposite of deeze
DOT MATRIX : Tom Matrix's wife
DOWNLOAD : (1) gettin the farwood off the truk
(2) to flush the john
DOWNTIME : period of depression
DTP : baby shots to pervent sickness
DRIVE COMPATABILITY : a long car ride with your wife without fightin
E-MAIL : not a sissy or weeklin
EDIT : wucha do with food
ENCRYPTION : what the undertaker duz to ya
ENDORA : Samanthas mother
ENTER : notherner talk fer cumin, ya all
ETHERNET : wut the doc puts on your face in surgery to make ya sleep
EXPANSION SLOT : extra hole in yur belt ya use wen ya overeat
FAQ : used with U, wut you yell when someone cuts ya off
FAX : wucha lie about to the IRS
FILE : wut yur wile uses on her nails
FINGER : wat ya gives a driver wat cuts ya off
FIREWALL : ware ya practises yur target shutin
FLOPPY : (1) Roscoe after sex
(2) pancakes
FLOPPY DISK : (1) soggy pizza
(2) wucha git from liftin too much farwood
FONT : discover as in I font it at a garage sale
FORMAT : small rug to wipe your feet on on a muddy day
FORTAN : (1) tells yur future, usually inside cookies at Chinese
resterants
(2) lots of money
FRAME : wen the cops bring ther own pot to yer party
FREEZE : releases from captivity as Superman freeze the hostiges
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 6 Apr 1998 03:52:45 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: JimJr's Navy <some adult humor>
* Marksmanship rated very low on most Aviator's priority lists,
and I guess it irritated the hell out of our Range Instruction,
a Marine.
A bunch of us were trying to qualify one afternoon, and of
the six men firing, not one even hit the target from 100 yards.
The Sergeant shouted, "Cease firing !!! Cease firing !!!
Fix bayonets and charge !!! It's your only chance."
- - - - -
* Back then the theory was that if Aviators were fed saltpeter
it would reduce their sex drive. Wouldn't ya know, here it is
over 30 years later and the damn stuff's just starting to work.
- - - - -
* Some of those simulated tactical situations that they gave us
were so easy though. One instructor said, "You have two enemy
craft of your tail closing at 400 knots. What's the very first
thing you do ?"
I mean, how simple can you get ? The obvious answer to anyone
should be: "do 450 knots". (a knot = about 1.15 miles per hour)
- - - - -
* Because of the unusual duty hours at a Naval Air Station, you
could pretty much find something to eat at almost any hour. At
one Chow Hall the Chief in charge always used to post a sign:
"Sorry, we're open !"
- - - - -
* While I was never the best pilot the Navy had ever seen, I did
at least manage most of the time.
You'd never know it though from listening to my Flight Instructor.
He once told me, "Tell ya what Moore, if they ever expand the list
of the 'Seven Wonders of the World', I'm gonna make damn sure that
you're on there -- twice !"
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
April is UGA HumorList Month; to subscribe,
Send an e-mail to: listserv@uga.cc.uga.edu
leave the subject area blank;
in the BODY of the letter, type:
SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 6 Apr 1998 07:09:17 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Country & Western Songs
Best of the Worst Country & Western Song Titles...
1. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
2. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
3. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
4. Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
5. How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been
A Liar All My Life?
=====================================================
Truly Tasteless Country & Western Titles...
6. When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
7. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
8. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
9. You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
10. Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down,
But Baby I Can See Through You
=====================================================
More Hilarious Hits from the world of Country Music...
11. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
12. I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
13. I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
14. If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
15. My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was
Breaking My Heart
=====================================================
Titles That Are Sure To Get A Grin...
16. She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
17. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
18. If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
19. Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
And finally...
20. They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin'
Out
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 6 Apr 1998 07:45:38 EST
From: JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:Poem
REMEMBER WHEN.......
A COMPUTER WAS SOMETHING ON TV
FROM A SCIENCE FICTION SHOW
A WINDOW WAS SOMETHING YOU HATED TO CLEAN.... AND RAM WAS THE COUSIN
OF A GOAT.....
MEG WAS THE NAME OF MY GIRLFRIEND
AND GIG WAS YOUR MIDDLE FINGER UPRIGHT NOW THEY ALL MEAN DIFFERENT
THINGS
AND THAT REALLY MEGA BYTES
AN APPLICATION WAS FOR EMPLOYMENT
A PROGRAM WAS A TV SHOW
A CURSOR USED PROFANITY
A KEYBOARD WAS A PIANO
MEMORY WAS SOMETHING THAT YOU LOST WITH AGE A CD WAS A BANK ACCOUNT
AND IF YOU HAD A 3 1/2" FLOPPY
YOU HOPED NOBODY FOUND OUT
COMPRESS WAS SOMETHING YOU DID TO THE GARBAGE NOT SOMETHING YOU DID TO
A FILE
AND IF YOU UNZIPPED ANYTHING IN PUBLIC YOU'D BE IN JAIL FOR A WHILE
LOG ON WAS ADDING WOOD TO THE FIRE
HARD DRIVE WAS A LONG TRIP ON THE ROAD A MOUSE PAD WAS WHERE A MOUSE
LIVED
AND A BACKUP HAPPENED TO YOUR COMMODE
CUT YOU DID WITH A POCKET KNIFE
PASTE YOU DID WITH GLUE
A WEB WAS A SPIDER'S HOME
AND A VIRUS WAS THE FLU
I GUESS I'LL STICK TO MY PAD AND PAPER AND THE MEMORY IN MY HEAD
I HEAR NOBODY'S BEEN KILLED IN A COMPUTER CRASH BUT WHEN IT HAPPENS
THEY WISH THEY WERE DEAD
-author unknown
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 6 Apr 1998 09:54:11 -0400
From: Lee_Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Some days are better than others
>From a friend:
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down
Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain..." "Just be
quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in
jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say...,"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky
for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good
mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the
cell. "I'm the groom."
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 6 Apr 1998 11:06:18 -0400
From: Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: The Facelift <risque>
A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.
"Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll
have to come back in six months for a follow-up."
"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot.
I don't want to have to come back."
The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new
procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then
anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn,
which pulls the skin up, and they disappear."
"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that."
Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office.
"Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.
"Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I have
ever made."
"What's wrong?" asks the doctor.
"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.
"Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are
your breasts. And if you don't leave that screw alone,
you're going to have a beard!"
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 6 Apr 1998 15:31:49 -0500
From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Time Sure is Relative <HUMOR>
Time Sure is Relative (Edited by Jim Mica)
This past weekend folks around here (Upstate New York --USA) went
through the semi-annual ritual of messing with clocks. We
changed from Eastern Standard Time to Eastern Daylight Saving's
Time. We (pretty much) all sprang forward an hour.
As I said we sprang ahead, but it was not a universal time shift.
One couple walked into our adult Sunday School class 3 or 4
minutes before it was to end, looking rather sheepish. She said,
"No! We didn't oversleep, but we did forget to change the
clocks. I was out doing some early grocery shopping when I
discovered we were an hour off and we rushed like anything to get
here..."
It's only been about a hundred years that we've had "Standard
Time Zones" here in the US. The railroads made the government
set them up so that they could know just how late their trains
were running. At the time farmers complained that this messing
with nature would make their roosters neurotic and make their
cows go dry. Since we in the US are the only modern country, I
assume that other areas, like say Europe, still go by Matins and
Lauds and the like.
Back during WWII life got more confusing, time-wise, because they
started this "Daylight Savings Time" thing to increase
productivity. I have no idea how messing with clocks twice a
year was supposed to do this, but I do know that the farmers
complained because they feared this would make their cows
neurotic and their roosters go dry.
Last Saturday my elderly Maiden Aunt went to supper at the home
of her friends Julie and Bob. She didn't say what time they sat
down to eat --I'd guess it would have been 18:30 - 19:00-- but
she was quite alarmed to see that it was about 21:30 by the clock
on the wall as they were finishing their dessert. She
immediately began to worry about getting back home because it was
so late. When she mentioned this to Julie, Julie assured her
that she had nothing to worry about. "Bob set the clocks ahead
this morning." "Yes," added Bob, "I didn't want to forget to do
that!"
Back in the 70s {that's 1970s} we had an energy shortage here in
the states. To counteract that problem the government had
Daylight Savings Time start weeks earlier than usual. The
farmers complained, but then I'll bet you already guessed that.
I could never understand that shift because there were so few
solar powered cars in those days, I mean, not like now when we're
completely independent of foreign oil...
Then there was the couple that arrived for church Sunday morning
and were shocked to see that there was nobody in the parking lot.
"Blast it all," said the husband, "I know I set the clock ahead
last night!"
"Oh my," said the wife, "so did I!"
Now we "Spring Ahead" about two weeks after the March equinox (we
used to call that one the "spring" equinox, but we have become
much less north-hemisphere-o-centric these days), but we don't
"Fall Back" until 5 weeks after the the September (aka 'Fall')
equinox. According to the rosters and cows, this makes the
farmers neurotic.
My favorite "Spring Ahead" story comes from an acquaintance who
is a choir director. {Hey there Greg!} One year, when the change
occurred over an Easter weekend, he forgot to "Spring" and ended
up walking in in time for the final hymn.
Well, I'd like to write more about this subject, but as you may
have guessed, I'm out of time. Besides, there's a bunch of angry
chickens and bulls making noise outside my door. I wonder what
that's all about?
--30--
WHOA! This just in:
...from The Chronicle of Higher Education for Monday, April 6.
* OHIO UNIVERSITY STUDENTS, frustrated that the advent of
daylight-savings time means that bars are open 60 fewer
minutes one night a year, for the second year in a row rioted
in the streets early Sunday morning. Five local police
officers were injured and at least 30 people were arrested
among the estimated crowd of 2,000.
_
Copyright (c) 1998 The Chronicle of Higher Education, Inc.
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 6 Apr 1998 20:22:26 -0400
From: C and R <doglover@BIT-NET.COM>
Subject: Why do Dogs lick themselves? <adult, sexual,
off to those who dont like sex jokes>
Q: Why do dogs lick themselves?
A: Because they can form a fist :->
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Tue, 7 Apr 1998 09:37:47 -0400
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Women! <adult>
They never know what to wish,and HOW to wish do they?[enjoy,guys!]
A flat-chested woman was delighted when her Fairy Godmother said
her breasts would increase in size each time a man said, "Pardon,"
to her.
She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and
he said, "Pardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch
and she was ecstatic. The next day she bumped into a man in the
grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to
her breasts. She was in seventh heaven! She walked into a Chinese
restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand
pardons for my clumsy behavior." The next day the headline
in the local newspaper said, "Chinese Waiter Crushed by Two
Torpedoes!"
Chalapathi
And More Of His
Four-Line
Signatures! :-)
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 6 Apr 1998 23:35:03 +0000
From: Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Humorous Interview...
Recently, there was a public television special
honoring writer Larry Gelbart, whose credits
include the TV show "M*A*S*H*," the movies
"Tootsie" and "Oh, God," and the Broadway revival
of "A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The
Forum."
At one point, Carl Reiner was seated between
Gelbart and Mel Brooks, talking about the days
when they all worked for Sid Ceasar.
One great moment went something like this:
Carl Reiner: (pointing at Larry Gelbart) I'm
sitting between the wittiest and (pointing at
Mel Brooks) funniest people that I know.
(With perfect timing, Mel Brooks does a spit-take
and sprays a mouthful of water at the audience.)
Host: Can you tell us what the difference is
between witty and funny?
Larry Gelbart: (without missing a beat) Witty is
dry.
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index