Digest for Sunday, May 03, 1998
There are 9 messages totalling 454 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Cosa Nostra
- Press Release: LeTourneau
- Election rally
- Interesting Curio
- Humor: Fractured English (suggestive)
- Wierd Business News #5
- Corporate Life !!!! (not off.)
- Microsoft Latest Patent (off to Billy and Microsoft :o)
- Dear Paula from Linda
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Date: Sun, 3 May 1998 02:47:42 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Cosa Nostra
ADMIN NOTE: Please see URL below. 1997-1998 Humor Digests are
available for downloading in .zip format
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
* In spite of the booming times in the US, I hear business is
off for the Mob. Last month in New York, they had to lay off
three City Councilmen.
- - - - -
* Crime is everywhere these days, and they're all organizing too.
Even in Baltimore, they started their own branch of the Jewish
Mafia -- the Kosher Nostra.
- - - - -
* And think what an example these gangsters are setting for our
youth. Just imagine how many boys want to follow in their
Father's fingerprints.
- - - - -
* All in all, I guess most of the Mafia members have good manners.
I mean they must. They're always talking about getting time
off for good behavior.
- - - - -
* Did ya ever notice how most real Mafia members have no necks.
That comes from testifying in court, shrugging and saying, "I
don't know anything about that."
- - - - -
* Giving instructions to a group of his soldiers, a Mafia Boss
said, "I want the guy shot; then put him in a barrel and fill
it with cement; then toss him in the East River. And, oh yeah,
make it look like an accident."
- - - - -
* A Don found a young man he thought might have a future in show
business. One of the advisors cautioned him that the guy would
need elocution lessons, singing lessons, a wardrobe, publicity,
and expensive musical arrangements.
The Don mulled it over, then said, "Yeah. You're right. I
think I'll just make him Mayor instead."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
JimJr's Classy Classic Collectible Jokes Page:
http://www.qis.net/~jimjr ("QIS.NET")
JimJr's Posts & complete UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date: Sun, 3 May 1998 01:44:04 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Press Release: LeTourneau
Mary Kay LeTourneau is in the news again. As you may recall, Miss
LeTourneau is the Seattle schoolteacher who was convicted of
contributing to the delinquency of a minor by bearing the child of her
fifth grade student.
Mary Kay is the daughter of John Schmitz, former Republican congressman
from President Nixon's home district who first became famous by stating
Nixon should remain in China during his visit there. He later ran
against Nixon as the American Independent Party candidate for president
campaigning on bringing family values back to America. His credibility
was questioned when he revealed he was raising a second family with two
illegitimate children in Orange County.
Miss LeTourneau, who has always emphasized the importance of the return
of traditional family morals to this country has been imprisoned for
breaking the conditions of her parole by becoming pregnant for the
second time by her preteen-aged lover. She is also facing a second trial
on the new charges.
Mary Kay announced today the publication of her new book which she has
entitled "Everything I Know About Sex I Learned From A Kindergartner."
All profits from the book will be donated to her favorite charity, The
American Institute for Morality, a subsidiary of the John Birch Society
of which her father is a former executive.
Bill Clinton has denied that he has written the forward to the book, but
did express an interest in meeting with Mary Kay when she is released.
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Date: Sun, 3 May 1998 02:52:10 PDT
From: r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Election rally <offensive to Indian politicians>
An Indian dies and goes to Heaven. As is the custom he is met at the
pearly gates and taken for a tour. He finally lands in God's room. In
front of God is a huge console with many red lamps.
" Every time," his guide tells him, "anyone lies on the Earth these
lights flash."
Just as they spoke, all the lights on the console beginning to light up
like crazy.
The Indian is puzzled. "So many lies at the same time?" he asks.
"Yes," says his guide, "there is an election rally in Delhi."
______________________________________________________
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Date: Sun, 3 May 1998 10:06:22 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Interesting Curio <offensive to lawyers>
<bigger>A man walks into an antique store and begins browsing through the
merchandise. A small bronze sculpture of a rat catches his eye. For
some reason, this curio fascinates him and he decides that he has to
have it, so he picks it up and walks over to the proprietor.
"How much for this?", he asks.
"I'd think twice about getting that if I were you. Everyone who's
bought it before has come back the next day to return it," says the
proprietor.
"Why?"
"I don't know--but they seem to be in an awful hurry to get rid of
it."
The customer thinks this over and finally decides to purchase the
item. He walks out of the store and begins to make his way home. As
he is walking down a dark alley, he hears a scuttling noise behind
him. Quickly turning around, he sees two rats following him down the
path.
"That's odd", he thinks to himself and begins to walk faster.
A few minutes later, he turns around again and this time there are 3
dozen rats following him! He begins to break into a trot.
Next time he turns around, there are 200 rats! Now he's running as
fast as he can.
After a couple of minutes, he can't stand the suspense any longer
and looks over his shoulder...
Thousands of rats, as far as the eye can see, are marching behind
him!
Now he begins to panic. He looks at the figurine in his hand and it
dawns on him what's going on. He changes direction and begins to make
his way to the waterfront.
When he reaches the harbor, he takes the figure and hurls it into
the water.
Thousands of rats dive into the water after it and drown!
The next day, the man returns to the antique shop. The owner is
astonished to find him empty-handed.
"You didn't bring it back??" he inquires.
"No, I've just one question. Do you have one which is shaped like a
lawyer?"</bigger>
Bill Stebbins
Live well, Laugh often, Love much...
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16/
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Date: Sun, 3 May 1998 09:52:07 -0700
From: Jack Falk <jackfalk@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject: Humor: Fractured English (suggestive)
Seen on a restaurant menu in Honolulu:
"Thank you for coming at the New Tokyo Restaurant"
* Jack Falk | Get connected with *
* The Advantage Group | Earthlink and save *
* Nutritionals | $25. Ask me how. They *
* jackfalk@earthlink.net | are not raising rates. *
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Date: Sun, 3 May 1998 12:46:03 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Wierd Business News #5
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Jim Barlow's Column, Houston Chronicle:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IT'S A NEW month. Time for an old subject. Weird Business News.
Yes, let's once again examine the world of business, and the strange
things people do in search of a buck. Or just to do good.
From the usual unreliable source comes these Tales from the Internet.
* AT&T fired its president, John Walters, after only nine months, saying
he lacked intellectual leadership. They also paid him $26 million in
severance, leading one to speculate about just who was lacking in
intelligence.
* In Italy, more than 600 people paid $10,000 each for the first tourist
flight to Mars. Trips to the moon also were available. Italian police
reported they were still searching for the writers of the advertisements,
which promised rides on Martian canals.
* In Medford, Ore., a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his
degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads
out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have
happened."
* And in Modesto, Calif., a man was arrested for holding up a branch of
the Bank of America. He used his thumb and finger in his pocket to simulate
a gun, then forgot to keep his hand in his pocket.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Sun, 3 May 1998 16:07:10 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Corporate Life !!!! (not off.)
You know you've been in the corporate world too long when....
1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.
2. You decide to re-org your family into a "team-based organization."
3. You refer to dating as test marketing.
4. You can spell "paradigm."
5. You actually know what a paradigm is.
6. You understand your airline's fare structure.
7. You write executive summaries on your love letters.
8. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.
9. You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page
presentation with six other people you don't know.
10. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance
review.
11. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues"
and "improvement opportunities."
12. You calculate your own personal cost of capital.
13. You explain to your bank manager you prefer to think of yourself as
"highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."
14. You end every argument by saying "let's talk about this offline".
15. You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering,"
"down-sizing," "right-sizing," and "firing people's asses."
16. You actually believe your explanation in number 15.
17. You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
18. You refer to your previous life as "my sunk cost."
19. You refer to your significant other as "my co-CEO."
20. You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey.
21. You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss.
22. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.
23. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an
expense.
24. You insist that you do some more market research before you and your
spouse produce another child.
25. At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting
about their brand equity.
26. Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid
bills.
27. You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing.
28. You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a whiteboard and
Internet connection.
29. You give constructive feedback to your dog.
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Date: Sun, 3 May 1998 22:54:04 +0200
From: Mohamed El-Nadi <mnadi@USA.NET>
Subject: Microsoft Latest Patent (off to Billy and Microsoft :o)
REDMOND, WA--In what CEO Bill Gates called "an unfortunate but necessary
step to protect our intellectual property from theft and exploitation by
competitors," the Microsoft Corporation patented
the numbers one and zero Monday.
With the patent, Microsoft's rivals are prohibited from manufacturing or
selling products containing zeroes and ones--the mathematical building
blocks of all computer languages and programs--unless a royalty fee of
10 cents per digit used is paid to the software giant.
"Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones and zeroes ever
since its inception in 1975," Gates told reporters. "For years, in the
interest of the overall health of the computer industry, we permitted
the free and unfettered use of our proprietary numeric systems.
However, changing marketplace conditions and the increasingly predatory
practices of certain competitors now leave us with no choice but to seek
compensation for the use of our numerals."
A number of major Silicon Valley players, including Apple Computer,
Netscape and Sun Microsystems, said they will challenge the Microsoft
patent as monopolistic and anti-competitive, claiming that the
10-cent-per-digit licensing fee would bankrupt them instantly.
"While, technically, Java is a complex system of algorithms used to
create a platform-independent programming environment, it is, at its
core, just a string of trillions of ones and zeroes," said Sun
Microsystems CEO Scott McNealy, whose company created the Java
programming environment used in many Internet applications. "The
licensing fees we'd have to pay Microsoft every day would be
approximately 327,000 times the total net worth of this company."
"If this patent holds up in federal court, Apple will have no choice but
to convert to analog," said Apple interim CEO Steve Jobs, "and I have
serious doubts whether this company would be able to remain
competitive selling pedal-operated computers running software off vinyl
LPs."
As a result of the Microsoft patent, many other companies have begun
radically revising their product lines: Database manufacturer Oracle has
embarked on a crash program to develop "an abacus for the next
millennium."
Novell, whose communications and networking systems are also subject to
Microsoft licensing fees, is working with top animal trainers on a
chimpanzee-based message-transmission system. Hewlett-Packard is
developing a revolutionary new steam-powered printer.
Despite the swarm of protest, Gates is standing his ground, maintaining
that ones and zeroes are the undisputed property of Microsoft. "We will
vigorously enforce our patents of these numbers, as they are legally
ours," Gates said. "Among Microsoft's vast historical archives are
Sanskrit cuneiform tablets from 1800 B.C. clearly showing ones and a
symbol known as 'sunya,' or nothing. We also own: papyrus scrolls
written by Pythagoras himself in which he explains the idea of singular
notation, or 'one'; early tracts by Mohammed ibn Musa al Kwarizimi
explaining the concept of al-sifr, or 'the cipher'; original
mathematical manuscripts by Heisenberg, Einstein and Planck; and a
signed first-edition copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's Being And Nothingness.
Should the need arise, Microsoft will have no difficulty proving to the
Justice Department or anyone else that we own the rights to these
numbers."
Added Gates: "My salary also has lots of zeroes. I'm the richest man in
the world."
According to experts, the full ramifications of Microsoft's patenting of
one and zero have yet to be realized. "Because all integers and natural
numbers derive from one and zero, Microsoft may, by extension, lay claim
to ownership of all mathematics and logic systems, including Euclidean
geometry, pulleys and levers, gravity, and the basic Newtonian
principles of motion, as well as the concepts of existence and
nonexistence," Yale University theoretical mathematics professor
J.Edmund Lattimore said. "In other words, pretty much everything."
Lattimore said that the only mathematical constructs of which Microsoft
may not be able to claim ownership are infinity and transcendental
numbers like pi. Microsoft lawyers are expected to file liens on
infinity and pi this week.
Microsoft has not yet announced whether it will charge a user fee to
individuals who wish to engage in such mathematically rooted motions as
walking, stretching and smiling.
In an address beamed live to billions of people around the globe Monday,
Gates expressed confidence that his company's latest move will,
ultimately, benefit all humankind. "Think of this as a partnership,"
Gates said. "Like the ones and zeroes of the binary code itself, we must
all work together to make the promise of the computer revolution a
reality. As the world's richest, most powerful software company,
Microsoft is number one. And you, the millions of consumers who use our
products, are the zeroes."
____
Mohamed El-Nadi
mailto:mnadi@usa.net
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/4267/
"I once had a life... now I have the Internet..."
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Date: Mon, 4 May 1998 00:45:14 -0400
From: George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Dear Paula from Linda <satirical Am political humor>
(Fan mail for Paula Corbin Jones which was subpoenaed by Congressman Dan
Burton, which he selectively releases to the public because they have a
right to know which scumbags he is trying to destroy).
Dear Paula,
I'll admit I was a bit jealous that the Washington Times didn't invite me
to the big bash last weekend. I couldn't be happier to know you were
invited instead. You looked terrific. Who does you hair? And your dress was
elegant. You should have left your seedy-looking husband at home to look
for a new job.
Honey, I couldn't believe the horrendous news that Susie Carpenter-McMillan
had dropped you. Look dearie, I know what it is like to have a deep, long
term same-sex friendship go sour. Monica hurt me so. So I know the empty
feeling you have now. Monica and I had many hours of wonderful
conversations and now I can't even get her busy signal.
I was thinking we could talk of the phone some. And when you come to
Washington to do fund raisers, maybe we would have a quiet dinner at your
hotel. I know I would feel better knowing you had a trusted buddy to whom
you could spill out your heart. I know I would love to hear about your
make-over. MCI has a wonderful buddy rate for people who talk at least 20
minutes a day. Hey, it is cheaper than therapy.
Give me a call, Linda Tripp
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