Digest for Tuesday, May 05, 1998

There are 11 messages totalling 649 lines in this issue. 




Topics of the day:
  1. Politics
  2. Cynics Dictionary
  3. Green Eggs & Ham?
  4. Fw: sad news & more sad news ,clean
  5. Clintons Diary Part2
  6. Signs You Have A Bad Airline Pilot!
  7. Funny Things People Said (fwd)
  8. Original Knock Knock Joke
  9. Bank Robbers
  10. Ammunition for the ladies (adult)
  11. Fwd: Morons in flight 


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Date:    Tue, 5 May 1998 03:44:39 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Politics

* A congressman had a dream that he was making an important
  speech in Congress.  When he woke up, he was !
                        - - - - -

* These days most officials in Washington divide their time
  between running for office and running for cover.
                        - - - - -

*   A friend of mine (even though he's a Democrat) asked me
  if I had heard Clinton's last speech.
    Didn't take me but a sec to reply, "My God, I hope so !"
                        - - - - -

* A lot of people don't know that there's a statue of the
  Goddess of Truth in Washington DC.  It's not a real good
  depiction though, she doesn't have any stretch marks.
                        - - - - -

* Many a politician starts to behave, not so much because he
  saw the light, but because he started to feel the heat.
                        - - - - -

* I'll say this about Clinton, he approaches every question
  with an open mouth.
                        - - - - -

* My guess is there's a medical reason why Al Gore is so dull.
  I think he had a personality bypass.
                        - - - - -

* The other day the WhiteHouse issued a statement that President
  Clinton is doing the best he can.  That sacred me so bad, I've
  hardly slept or eaten since.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
JimJr's Classy Classic Collectible Jokes Page:
     http://www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")

JimJr's Posts & complete UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Tue, 5 May 1998 06:41:28 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Cynic's Dictionary

DEFINITIONS FROM "THE CYNIC'S DICTIONARY"


AUTHOR A writer with connections in the publishing industry.


BOSS A personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to

live in free societies.


CHILDHOOD The rapidly shrinking interval between infancy and first

arrest on a drug or weapons charge.


DENIAL How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist.


EXPERIENCE In the working world, something you can't get unless you've

already got it, in which case you probably don't want any more of it.


FITNESS Salvation through perspiration.


GOURMET A food fetishist.


HOOKER A working woman commonly despised by people who sell themselves

for even less.


IDEOLOGUE Generally an obscure humorless zealot who finds fulfillment
by

spouting the ideas of famous humorless zealots. JEANS Lower half of the

international uniform of youth, the upper half being the zits.


KLEPTOMANIAC A thief with breeding.


LABORATORY ANIMALS Furry foot-soldiers drafted in the name of science.

Some die nobly in the battle to eradicate cancer; others give their

lives so that we might produce a peach-scented dandruff shampoo.


MARTIAL ARTS A family of Asiatic self-defense disciplines consisting

largely of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs; amusing
to

look at but disappointingly ineffective when one's opponent is armed

with a semi-automatic.


NEIGHBORS The strangers who live next door.


ORGASM The punchline some women just don't get, generally because their

mates have a tendency to rush through the joke.


PARASITE A base creature that extracts a living from the lives of

others, like a tapeworm or a biographer.


QUAGMIRE Any situation more easily entered into than exited from; e.g.,

a guerrilla war, a bad marriage or a conversation with an insurance

salesman.


REDNECK Popular term for a rustic male, but rarely employed when

addressing one in person.


SMILE To expose a portion of one's skeleton as a gesture of goodwill

toward a fellow human.


TRAILER PARKS Latter-day gypsy camps scattered throughout the vast

American hinterland; humble places of abode where hope dies young and

tornadoes gravitate like flies to roadkill.


UNWED MOTHER One who helps perpetuate the genes of an unwed father,

without the latter's talent for becoming invisible at will.


VOTING The right of our citizens to do as they please behind a curtain,

as long as they do it alone.


WHITE SUPREMACISTS The most convincing argument against the theory of

white racial superiority.


X-RAY A diagnostic tool used to detect existing cancerous growths and

create new ones for future examinations to reveal.


Y-CHROMOSOME A line of genes designed for men only; the cause of

virility, war, baldness, hockey, sex crimes, clever inventions and a

disinclination to ask for directions when lost.


ZOO A pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for

depriving animals of their right to starve or be eaten alive in their

natural habitats.

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Date:    Tue, 5 May 1998 07:22:27 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Green Eggs & Ham?

        The Dr. Seuss Purity Test

 Have you done it on a boat? Have you done it with a goat?
 Have you done it in a bed? Have you done it with the dead?
 Have you done it in the ass? Have you done it, high on grass?
 Have you done it in the car? Have you simply gone too far?
 Have you done it on the beach? Have you done it with the teach?
 Have you done it on your back? Have you done it strapped to a rack?
 Have you done it in a box? Have you done it with a fox?
 Have you done it in a tree? Have you done it with more than three?
 Have you done it in the rain? Have you done it for the pain?
 Have you done it 'tween the tits? Have you done it wearing mitts?
 Have you done it packed in rubber? Have you done it undercover?
 Have you done it on a perch? Have you done it in a church?
 Have you done it with a virgin? Have you done it with a sturgeon?
 Have you done it with ropes and chains? Have you done it while insane?
 Have you done it on the stage? Have you done it underage?
 Have you done it with all your friends? Have you done it in both ends?
 Have you done it with your dog? Have you done it on a log?
 Have you done it under clamps? Have you done it with the lamps?
 Have you done it without style? Have you done it up a mile?
 Have you done it for all to see? Have you ever had VD?
 Have you done it on Mother's couch? Have you done it in your mouth?
 Have you done it while on tape? Have you done it out of shape?
 Have you done it on live TV? Have you done it whilst you pee?
 Have you done it in the gym? Have you done it on a whim?
 Have you done it on a dare? Do you really think we care?

 Answer these and count your "no"s, pray this number never grows. Fifty
 questions we asked thee, score times two is thy Purity.

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Date:    Tue, 5 May 1998 07:50:28 -0400
From:    Thom Foster <tfoster@EN.COM>
Subject: Fw: sad news & more sad news ,clean

>Sad news:
>There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who
>wrote the song  "Hokey Pokey" died.  What was really horrible is that
>they had trouble keeping the body in the casket.
>They'd put his left leg in.....
>
>More sad news:
>     "Veteran Pillsbury Doughboy, Pop-N-Fresh, died yesterday of severe
>yeast infection.   He was 71.   Fresh was buried in one of the largest
>ceremonies in recent years.  Dozens of celebrities turned out, including
>Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and
>the Hostess Twinkies.
>     The gravesite was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt
>Jemima gave the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how
>much he was kneaded."  Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his
>later life was filled with many turnovers.  He was not considered a very
>smart cookie, wasting much time on half-baked schemes.  Still even as a
>crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.  Fresh is survived by
>his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven.  The
>funeral was held at 4:50
>for about 20 minutes."
>
>
>
>
>
>

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Date:    Mon, 4 May 1998 19:45:04 -0600
From:    Brandon P Ruckdashel <bpruck@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Clintons Diary Part2 <sexualy suggestive, off. Bill Clinton, Chelsea,
         Janet Reno, Micheal Jackson, & Paula jones >

Dear diary,
        Well my life is turning up, although that Bitch Paula is still
trying to ruin my life with her stupid tale of me and my bent willy.   If
she hadn't gone to speilberg with her stupid tale America's children
would never have suffered through "Free Billy's Willy" parts 1 through 3.
        Oh well, life is great here in the white house (I've got a new
intern).   I plan on teaching the new interns the perks of my office
tomorrow, just as long as that Lesbian Janet Reno stays out of my office
(She was going to bring one of her "Girl friends over).   Which reminds
me Micheal Jackson is coming over for a sleep over, he's such a fag,
diary as you can see I have a lot of quiere I mean wierd friends.   Does
that seem diffrent to you, Oh my, I'm talking to a piece of paper, I am
going crazy like Dr. Kavorkian said.
        Chelsea wrote home yesterday here's a copy of her letter...

        Dear Bubba cakes (Is that realy what that dumb ass Paula called
you),
We had a history exam in science today about the male reproductive
system, thanks to your secret service we all recieved a lesson on that
subject, your dumb ass secret service strip searched the entire foot ball
team because they were late for class.
        I have to go now officer Riki Recardo just got here, he's
tutoring me in how to speak Espanol.
                                Your wonder woman,
                                Chelsea (Dog face) Clinton

        Isn't it so sweet.   Well time to sign off, Godbye diary.

                                Until I Jack off again
                                the 1st Bubba Cake,
                                Bill (Slick Stick) Clinton

_____________________________________________________________________
You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail.
Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://www.juno.com
Or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866]

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Date:    Tue, 5 May 1998 08:07:58 -0600
From:    Nobody N Particular <technocratz@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Signs You Have A Bad Airline Pilot!

Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Airline Pilot:

10.You overhear him say on the intercom "Hey, Pedro, What's this
   gizmo do?"
9. For the past two hours, you've been going straight up
8. He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 40 feet"
7. Co-pilot is sitting on his lap
6. When you take off he yells, "Weeeeeeeeee!"
5. At some point he announces, "Screw Chicago, Let's go find that Mars
   observer!"
4. He's wearing a Domino's Pizza uniform
3. Over P.A. you hear, "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh"
2. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who
   drove your cab to the airport
1. Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy"

        -Original Source Unknown

=== technocratz@wireworm.com ======= technocratz@geocities.com ===
       * http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Estates/4587/ *
 Subscribe to a clean humor list.  Send a message with 'subscribe
= funny-bone' in it to  Majordomo@lists.spunge.org to subscribe. =
==================================================================

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Date:    Tue, 5 May 1998 09:20:46 -0700
From:    Susan Birkenseer <sbirkens@WAHOO.SJSU.EDU>
Subject: Funny Things People Said (fwd)

> ** >Funny Things People Said
> ** >
> ** >Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
> ** >* Red Buttons
> ** >
> ** >Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
> anyone
> ** >going faster than you is a maniac.
> ** >* George Carlin
> ** >
> ** >You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
> miles a
> ** >day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell
> she is.
> ** >* Ellen DeGeneres
> ** >
> ** >I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
> ** >* Carol Leifer
> ** >
> ** >I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
> ** >* Dave Edison
> ** >
> ** >Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank
> ** >robbery has just taken place.
> ** >* Johnny Carson
> ** >
> ** >I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the
> Republicans were
> ** >running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself
> in the
> ** >head to stop your headache.
> ** >* Jack Mayberry
> ** >
> ** >I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
> other
> ** >one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
> locks, they
> ** >are always locking three.
> ** >* Elayne Boosler
> ** >
> ** >Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
> ** >* John Mendoza
> ** >
> ** >I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
> language
> ** >that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I
> think
> ** >there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't
> afraid of
> ** >vacuum cleaners.
> ** >* Jeff Stilson
> ** >
> ** >The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
> suffering
> ** >from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If
> they
> ** >are okay, then it's you.
> ** >* Rita Mae Brown
> ** >
> ** >Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
> violent image
> ** >there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it,
> maybe
> ** >laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body
> ** >before you do the wash.
> ** >* Jerry Seinfeld

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Date:    Tue, 5 May 1998 12:47:01 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <Humor> Original Knock Knock Joke

I believe I've just found the ORIGINAL email knock knock joke!!


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>  Knock knock!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>  Who's there?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>  Boo.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>  Boo who?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>  Well, If you'r gonna
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>   cry about it, I'm not
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>   gonna telll you!


It certainly seems to have been around enough times to qualify!

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Date:    Tue, 5 May 1998 13:56:27 +0200
From:    Soni Satish * Datavia <SatishSo@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Bank Robbers <disgusting>

                    THE BANK ROBBERS
                    ------------------------------------
Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank.  After several
days of planning they agree on the best plan.  The next day they get to
work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their
planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of
safety deposit  boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill
and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla
pudding inside.
The Head Gangster says "Okay, well, at least we can eat it."
So they eat the pudding.  They drill and pry open up the second
Safety deposit box and there sits another pudding.
They decide to devour it too.

Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the
rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have
been opened.

They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes.
Disappointed the head gangster said "Well, at least they
left something for us to eat"

The next day, while listening to the news they hear:
"Yesterday the largest sperm bank in the USA was robbed
by an unknown group of people

___________________________
Satish Soni
Phone *  :  011-3591719
E-mail :  SatishSo@transnet.co.za
"Fighting for peace is like *$#@ing for virginity"

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Date:    Tue, 5 May 1998 23:34:17 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <mnadi@USA.NET>
Subject: Ammunition for the ladies (adult)

Man:   "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man:   "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man:    "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man:   "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both.  You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man:   "I'd like to call you.  What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man:   "But I don't know your name!!"
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man:    "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman:  "I'm a female impersonator."

Man:   "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man:   "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man:   "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man:   "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah!  Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man:   "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man:   "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man:   "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man:   "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh.  You're so right.  I want you to leave."

Man:   "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy"
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man:   "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man:   "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good!  Let's start with your bank account."

Man:   "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

_____
Mohamed El-Nadi
mailto:mnadi@usa.net
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/4267/
"I once had a life... now I have the Internet..."

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Date:    Wed, 6 May 1998 00:01:17 -0500
From:    Thomas Wideman <twideman@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject: Fwd: Morons in flight

The following are actual stories told by travel agents (and you wonder
why US citizens generally score less than the rest of the world on
geography)...

I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut.
When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very
irate and insisted "I know it is real, I see people check in every week!"

Also, I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair
wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over
all the cost info, she asked, "would it be cheaper to fly to California
and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to
explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she
interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown
is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid
one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in
Africa." her response....click.

A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me
various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her
fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans,
Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans
was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not
even embarrassed.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was
wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an
ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando
is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on
the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "is it possible to see England from
Canada?" I said, "No." He said "but they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I
pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas.
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas
was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save
time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her
flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.I tried
to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not
understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went
very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on
your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do
you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they
put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any
connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into
it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code
for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination
tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane
to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was
told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers
on them."

A woman called and said, " I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those
computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter
plane. She said, "Yea, whatever."

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in
order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I
reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many
times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure
enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look,
I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American
Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to
Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the
agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do
you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came
back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the
country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted,
"Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The
agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You
don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"


----------------------------------------------------------------
Thomas A. Wideman           http://home.earthlink.net/~twideman/
twideman@earthlink.net                 32d54m57.6sN 97d06m34.2sW
----------------------------------------------------------------

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