Digest for Wednesday, May 20, 1998

There are 13 messages totalling 475 lines in this issue. 




Topics of the day:
  1. The Waitress (Pun)
  2. Do-It-Yourself Ethic Insults
  3. Viagra
  4. a couple of short ones. (off. to women)
  5. The Kiss (adult)
  6. Dismal comments and questions about contemporary life
  7. Indicating
  8. Windows 2000 Errors
  9. Microsoft Underground Test
  10. ole and lena
  11. A torpedo?
  12. Viagra
  13. A Question of A Nuke 


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Date:    Wed, 20 May 1998 01:00:39 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Waitress (Pun)

I sat down for dinner at my favorite restaurant and discovered a new
waitress approaching my table. I knew there would be problems. She was
young. She was beautiful. And she was blonde. I gave her my order in
much more detail than usual. The regular waitresses knew exactly how I
wanted everything prepared. I just had to select my preference for the
evening and everything would be perfect, just like I desired.
        Well, she served the rolls just right. The rolls were warm and fresh,
and she brought me olive oil instead of butter as I had requested. But
then she brought the first course, my salad. It was beautifully arranged
with tomato wedges in the center over green lettuce with slivers of
carrots radiating outward. But around the rim was a thick layer of an
orange mixture beautifully arranged looking like a circle of whipped
cream on a pie.
        I called the waitress over and told her that this was not what I had
ordered. Almost in tears, she took out her order book and told me I must
be wrong. She had written my exact word in the order book, which she
then proceeded to show me. What she had written in her book was, "a
small dinner salad with ... Thousand Island Dressing on the side." (By
Stan Kegel)

For more of these stories, subscribe free to  Profusion of Puns
Gaggles of Groaners  by sending e-mail to :
<mailto://maiser@mail.otherwhen.com> with the message:
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exit

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Date:    Wed, 20 May 1998 04:08:07 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Do-It-Yourself Ethic Insults

* _ _ _ _ _ aren't allowed to swim in the river.
  They leave a ring around the shore.

* Did you hear about the _ _ _ _ _ jigsaw puzzle ?
  It has one piece.

* Why does the new _ _ _ _ _ navy have glass bottomed boats ?
  So they can see the old _ _ _ _ _ navy.

* It's true a _ _ _ _ _ invented the toilet seat.
  Of course, it was a _ _ _ _ _  who put a hole in it.

* What do you watch out for at a _ _ _ _ _ used car lot ?
  They're always turning the fuel gauges back.

* Why don't _ _ _ _ _ have pimples ?
  They keep sliding off their faces.

* Why do _ _ _ _ _ have doormats inside their homes ?
  So they can wipe their feet off before they go outside.

* How can you tell a _ _ _ _ _ airliner when it's snowing.
  They're the ones with chains on the propellers.

* Two _ _ _ _ _  got their luggage mixed-up at the airport.
  They both had K-Mart shopping bags.

* They held a beauty contest in _ _ _ _ _ recently.
  The winner came in third.

* How do you sink a _ _ _ _ _ submarine ?
  Have a frogman knock on the hatch.

* What's the national sport of _ _ _ _ _ ?
  Javelin catching.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Date:    Wed, 20 May 1998 12:23:30 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Viagra <Suggestive. Also, a groaner>

This morning I grounded a Viagra pill and mixed it with my shampoo.
Now all my hair stands up.

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Date:    Wed, 20 May 1998 12:08:11 +0200
From:    Soni Satish * Datavia <SatishSo@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: a couple of short ones. (off. to women)

> Q:    What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
> A:    They can both smell it but can't eat it.
>
> Q:    How is a woman like a condom ?
> A:    Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
>
> Q:    What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried
> Chicken?
> A:    By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you
> have
>  left is a greasy box to pop your bone in.
>
> Q:    How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike ?
> A:    They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the
> end you
>  lose your house.
>
> Q:    How do you circumcise a redneck?
> A:    Kick his sister in the jaw.
>
> Q:    Why do women have two sets of lips ?
> A:    So they can piss and moan at the same time.
>
> ___________________________
> Satish Soni
> Phone *  :  011-3591719
> E-mail :  SatishSo@transnet.co.za
"Testing Nukes for destruction capabilities is like F^%ing for Vrginity"
"Testing Nukes in response to Nuke testing is like beating the F*&^ out
of a Virgin"

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Date:    Wed, 20 May 1998 07:00:13 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Kiss (adult)

 There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting
 together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the
 train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were
 no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was
 this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train
 came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as
 if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face
 as he had been slapped there.

 The Englishman was thinking: 'The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia
 Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

 Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss
 me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.'

 And the Irishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train
 goes  through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that
 English bastard again .'

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Date:    Wed, 20 May 1998 09:45:52 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Dismal comments and questions about contemporary life

Milton Berle said it best: The trouble with life is, by the time you
can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired.

They say the safest room to be in during a storm is the bathroom, but
what if your bathroom isn't in the house?

Billy the Kid would not have been quite as ferocious if he had been
nicknamed: Billy El Ni-o.

VIAGRA: A Very Important Activity Gets Renewed Attention.

You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, as long
as you don't have to go along.

Clinton's finally being truthful when he says he's not Nixon. He's
much closer to Warren Harding.

My friend told me he doesn't believe in superstition. He says that
would be bad luck.

If you are wondering what is wrong with the kids of today, take a look
at their parents.

My husband has the perfect answer for the telemarketers who call after
he gets home from work: "I'm sorry, but my office hours are 9 to 5."

Newt Gingrich is sympathetic minus the sym.

Why do I get the feeling that my dog gets better care from our vet
than I do from my doctor?

I'm 68, I don't need Viagra, my second wife smiles a lot and my first
wife, whom I see in church, doesn't. Is life great or what?

From: http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

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Date:    Wed, 20 May 1998 13:03:25 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Indicating <sexual>

Indicating!
Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it
rains, however, the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is,
except for Sophie's.  The other two women wonder why Sophie never has
her laundry out on the days that it rains.
So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on
the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say, how come when it
rains, your laundry is never out?"
"Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul.
If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a
great day, and I can hang out the wash.  If his penis is hanging over his
left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."
"What if it is pointed up?" asks one of the women.
"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!"
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

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Date:    Wed, 20 May 1998 14:49:45 -0400
From:    James R. Muller <computer25@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Windows 2000 Errors

The following are new Windows messages that are under
consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

1.Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

2.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

3.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

4.Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

5.Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

6.Close your eyes and press escape three times.

7.Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

8.This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another
game?

9.Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

10.This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log
off."

11.To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."

12.BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

13.COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

14.CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

15.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

16.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

17.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

18.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

19.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

20.User Error: Replace user.

21.Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

22.Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...

23.If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and
all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?

24.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles
have been deleted. The police are on the way.

_____________________________________________________________________
You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail.
Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://www.juno.com
Or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866]

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Date:    Wed, 20 May 1998 15:16:05 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Microsoft Underground Test

REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft
Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in
eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622
GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between
Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action.

"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and
all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm
anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the
computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire."

Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped
my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington
geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt.
Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation."

In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycott
all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed
his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't
work," said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a
policy of "constructive engagement" with Microsoft.

Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test
justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear
Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire
"kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but
we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of
Microsoft Bob."  Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT
products with rival operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the
existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every
Pentium II microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS
written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they
deserve."

The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain
why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The
Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said
Prof. E. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories
about cold fusion."

Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in
California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing all
of the development work in Java," said one source close to the project.
The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress.
"Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment."

Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was
rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying
Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb
the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate
to be around when they drop that product a second time."

posted on 14 May 1998
Copyright 1998 by the Bogus News Network.

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Date:    Wed, 20 May 1998 23:35:16 +0300
From:    Alamoudis <kurbi@SAHARA.COM.SA>
Subject: ole and lena

From: Mish Alamoudi
Subject: Ole and Lena (off. to norwegians and people)

One day Lena went to the doctor for a physical. When she returned home she
said, Ole guess what the doctor said I am in perfect health. Ole responded
by saying +ACI-perfect health HA+ACE- what about your fat ass?+ACI- Lena thought for a
moment, then said thats funny Ole he didnt ask about you

hope this is not in html

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Date:    Wed, 20 May 1998 23:37:15 +0300
From:    Wezz the Warlock <wtw@DLC.FI>
Subject: A torpedo? <adult>

  During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the
Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship, and a hit seemed
inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew
quarters and tell a joke or something - at least they would die laughing.
So the navigator went down and said to the crew: "What would you think if I
could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?".
The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out and whammed
it on the table; just when the dick hit the table, a huge exposion tore the
ship apart.

 The only survivors were the captain and the navigator. As they floated
around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator:"Well, the crew really
laughed.. What did you do?" The navigator told him, and the captain
replied:"Well, you better be careful with that dick of yours. The torpedo
missed!"


   Wezz the Warlock
   ICQ #9701457

    Hey, come and do the intelligence test ( NOT an IQ test ) at my
homepage :
                       http://www.dlc.fi/~wtw/

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Date:    Thu, 21 May 1998 09:52:18 +0800
From:    Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: <HUMOUR> Viagra

Following the approval of Viagra by the UK's health authorities, the
first shipment arrived yesterday at Heathrow airport, but was hijacked
on the way to the depot.

Scotland Yard have warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of
hardened criminals.
--
Mike R

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Date:    Thu, 21 May 1998 09:33:59 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: A Question of A Nuke <clean,off. to Paks.>

Anybody knows why Pakistan hasn't yet conducted any nuclear test?
[Customary Scroll down]






















Because ,the User's Manual is written in Chinese !!!!!!

Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)

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