Digest for Thursday, May 21, 1998
There are 14 messages totalling 516 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Sonny (2 Puns)
- Middle Age
- An old lady (adult)
- Capitalism and Communism
- Nine Types of Girlfriends
- Indian politicians < offensive to Indians >
- Scottish joke
- Taking It With You
- The morning news
- St. Viagra
- Letter to Ann Landers
- Why Engineers Make Good Husbands
- Contrived comments and questions about contemporary life
- Domination Of The Species ;)
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Date: Wed, 20 May 1998 23:12:37 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Sonny (2 Puns)
Shortly after Sonny Bono's untimely demise, I was having a drink with my
friend Harry, a highly respected superior court judge. He mentioned that
his father had been Sonny and Cher's chief publicist, and had stayed
with Sonny after the couple's domestic and professional breakup.
He said that Sonny had been quite bitter after the split, and had
instructed his dad to cut up all the existing publicity photos so that
only Sonny's picture remained. I observed that he had done remarkably
well despite his humble beginnings.
"I don't understand," he puzzled.
I explained: "Considering the fact that ... you were raised the son of a
Cher cropper."
(By Dan Dutcher)
During the really hard times after their split up, Mr. Bono got a job as a
shallow-water marker. One of the strange, but little known
characteristics of his work is that night never fell while he was on the
job. And, he always hoped for a reconciliation, hoping to hear those
words, ... "Come sit upon my knee, Sunny Bouy."
(By Alan Combs)
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Date: Thu, 21 May 1998 03:50:12 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Middle Age
* Past 50, men are faced with a lot of temptations --
Usually, they pick the one that gets them home earliest
* Middle age is when you know your way around --
But you'd rather not go
* I don't have wrinkles, I have "laugh lines" --
I laugh an awful lot !
* Middle age is when your Granddaughter asks you about the 60's
Because they're studying the era in history class
* Being 55 is a lot like driving 55 on the highway --
So many people pass ya.
* Middle age is when you can't turn off your VCR --
or turn on the girls
* Now that I can easily afford to lose a golf ball --
I can't hit any that far anyway
* Middle age is a time when it takes longer to rest
than it does to get tired
* You know you're slipping when you put tenderizer
on your hot oatmeal in the morning
* Middle age is when work is a lot less fun --
And fun is a lot more work
* At 55, everything's starting to click for me --
My elbows, my neck, my knees
* Middle age is when women lie about their age --
Some women even lie about their dog's age
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Date: Thu, 21 May 1998 06:59:26 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: An old lady (adult)
Once upon a time there was a little old man who really took care of his
body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he
looked into the mirror and was admiring his body, when he noticed that
he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis.
He decided to do something about it. He promptly went to the beach
completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his
penis. Just then, two old ladies were strolling about the sand, one
walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand, she
began to move it with her cane. She remarked to the other little old
lady: "There ain't no justice in this world." The other little old lady
asked "What do you mean by that?" "Well," she said, "when I was 20 I
was curious about it," "when I was 30 I enjoyed it. When I was 40 I asked
for it." "When I was 50 I paid for it." "When I was 60 I prayed for it."
"When I was 70 I forgot about it." "And now that I'm 80 the damn
things are growing wild and I'm too old too squat."
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Date: Thu, 21 May 1998 13:26:24 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Capitalism and Communism <off. to capitalists and communists?>
A school in Moscow, 1978. Brezhnev rules Ok.
Teacher: "Ivan, describe capitalism."
Little Ivan: "Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man."
Teacher: "Very good, Ivan. Now, describe communism."
Little Ivan: "Communism is the other way around."
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Date: Thu, 21 May 1998 06:33:12 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Nine Types of Girlfriends
Nine Types Of Girlfriends
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
1. Ms. Nice Gal - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh darling, you
shouldn't have."
Also Known As: What a Girl, Precious, One of the Boys, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, Agreeable, Kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday.
2. Old Yeller - "You spineless good-for-nothing no-talent SOB! Can't
you see you're making me miserable?"
Also Known As: She-Devil,
Sourpuss, The Nag, My Old Lady
Advantages: Pays attention to you.
Disadvantages: Screeches, Throws frying pans
3. Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps."
Also Known As: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious
4. The Boss - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a
haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also Known As: Whipcracker, Sergeant, Ms. Know-it-All, Ball and Chain
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
5. Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my
career, goals, home, or hair color?"
Also Known As: The Fretter,
Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
6. Wild Woman - "I've got an idea. Let's get drunk and make love on
the front lawn. I done it before. It's fun!"
Also Known As: Fast Girl,
Freewheeler, Unconscious A
dvantages: More fun than a barrel of
monkeys.
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
7. Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep
snickering at"
Also Known As: No Fun, Humorless, Cold Fish, Iceberg,
Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.
Disadvantages: You will have no friends.
8. Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain
how I feel about our relationship"
Also Known As: The Babbler, Spooky
Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining,Unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.
9. Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you
are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I want to make love to you
like a crazed weasel."
Also Known As: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout,Perfection, The One
Advantages: Funny, Intelligent, Uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.
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Date: Thu, 21 May 1998 05:25:03 PDT
From: r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Indian politicians < offensive to Indians >
A member of the BJP made an passionate plea to be elected into
Parliament.
He said, " Friends and fellow voters. For so many years the ruling party
has been cheating you and misleading you. Now give us a chance."
______________________________________________________
Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com
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Date: Thu, 21 May 1998 09:19:21 EDT
From: SueS7 <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Scottish joke <offensive to scots>
What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a
Scottish shepherd?
The Stones say "Hey you! Get off of my Cloud." and The
Scottish Shepherd says "Hey McCleod! Get off of my ewe."
============================
"I looked like ashes
and smelled like smoke."
-- James Taylor
============================
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Date: Thu, 21 May 1998 11:10:53 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Taking It With You <Offensive to ambulance chasers>
Taking It With You
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was
determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally
figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he
died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to
fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to
the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when
he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to
heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife had gone up
in the attic to clean. Coming upon the two forgotten pillow cases
stuffed with cash she exclaimed, "Oh, that darned old fool, I knew he should
have had me put the money in the basement."
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
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Date: Thu, 21 May 1998 11:43:52 -0400
From: Lee Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: The morning news
A headline in the local fishwrapper this morning was absolutely astonishing:
Death, Suicide May Be Linked.
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Date: Thu, 21 May 1998 12:24:15 -0400
From: Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: St. Viagra
Prayers for the Feast of St. Viagra, Martyr
Few know that the new potency pill in the U.S., Viagra, was actually
named after a saint. There is a liturgy for St. Viagra, and we've
obtained a copy of it.
PROPERS FOR THE FEAST OF ST. VIAGRA ("THE UPRIGHT")
Entrance Hymn
Rise Up, O Men of God
Introit
Ant. Look on my affliction and deliver me.
* Let thy hand be ready to help me.
Ps. At midnight I rise to praise thee
* I rise before dawn and cry for help. (Ps. 119:62,147,153,173)
Collect
Almighty God, who dost make the crooked ways straight, and supporteth
the upright in their afflictions; graciously hear the prayers of thy
servant Viagra, who fainted at the sight of the sword but was raised up
straight to endure the pain of martyrdom, and grant us the strength to
be upright in the face of suffering and harder than stone when
confronted with the wiles of the Devil -- we ask this through Jesus
Christ our Lord, who liveth and reigneth with Thee and the Holy Spirit,
one God, now and forever. AMEN
Gradual
My beloved speaks and says to me
* Arise, my love, my fair one, and come. (Song of Songs 2:10)
Alleluia. Alleluia.
V. He has risen as he said.
Alleluia. (Mt. 28:6)
Offertory
Rejoice in the Lord, O you righteous
* Praise befits the upright. (Ps. 33:1)
Offertory Hymn
Hail the Day that Sees Him Rise
Communion
Light dawns for the righteous
* And joy for the upright. (Ps. 97:11)
Recessional Hymn
Rock of Ages
Alternate choices:
"Praise the Lord, Rise Up Rejoicing"
"Stand Up! Stand Up for Jesus"
"Strengthen for Service, Lord"
"Come, Ye Thankful People, Come"
Postlude: "Schmucke dich"
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Date: Thu, 21 May 1998 14:31:56 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Letter to Ann Landers
A LETTER TO ANN LANDERS
Dear Ann,
I hope you can help me with a problem. I had two brothers. One is
a car salesman and the other was recently put to death in the electric
chair for murdering two convenience store clerks who resisted him while
he was robbing the store. My mother died from a heroin overdose when I
was three years old. I have two sisters who are prostitutes, and my
father sells various narcotics to high school students.
Recently, I met a girl who was just released from a reformatory where
she had served seven years for smothering the illegitimate child she
had when she was thirteen years old. I want to marry this girl.
Now, for my problem. If I ask her to marry me, should I tell her
about my brother who is a car salesman? I will appreciate any advice
you can give me.
Thank you,
Schroeder Gahuvnik
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Date: Thu, 21 May 1998 13:35:36 -0700
From: Michael J. Irvin <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Why Engineers Make Good Husbands
Why Engineers Make Good Husbands
DOCTOR
------------
Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don't expect your relationship
to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he'll run off with some nurse from
his office, or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be
sick. He'll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is
not a problem with your Engineer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting
you. It is unlikely he'll ever meet another woman in his profession.
LAWYER
------------
Do you seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who
gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer
spouse. He doesn't have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An
additional drawback to marrying a Lawyer is when the divorce happens you
will get nothing.
SALESMAN
------------
See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade
shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy
individuals. Don't be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on
the Ricki Lake show. The company that your Engineer husband works at will
keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to
you.
HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, E.G., POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION
WORKER, ETC.
------------
Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled
with a back injury, etc. just about the time you are at your sexual peak.
The only hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing his
eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has
some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older,
since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you,
because the memory will still be sharp, and you ask "Honey, were you
looking at her?" he'll honestly be able to say that he didn't even see her.
TEACHER
------------
The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be
surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. He'll be in jail
soon, and then you'll have to look for another man.
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Date: Thu, 21 May 1998 17:16:12 EST
From: Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Contrived comments and questions about contemporary life
The new "pasta" diet: Just walk pasta bakery without stopping. Walk
pasta ice cream shop. Walk pasta candy store.
Whose cruel idea was it to put an S in the word "lisp?"
Upscale redneck or confused yuppie? I saw someone take Starbucks
coffee into a Waffle House.
If Webster Hubbell has been indicted for taking money didn't earn,
Kenneth Starr should get life in prison!
Being lectured by Newt Gingrich on ethics is like being lectured by
Bill Clinton on virginity!
This can make you feel old. The other day I got my old LP album's out
and what does my seven year old son ask me? Gee dad them CD's sure are
big.
My friend told me about the new commandment recently developed, called
the Clinton Commandment, number 11: Thou shalt not show thy rod to thy
staff.
They say Viagra can cause blurred vision. This pill just keeps getting
better.
I'm amazed at how the radio stations all manage to coordinate their
commercial breaks at the same time.
I have a better solution for telemarketers: I have a 3 year old who
loves talking on the phone. In the evenings, I let her answer the
phone, and I go pick up a 2nd phone. If it is a telemarketer, I hang
up on my line ever so quietly and let my daughter talk as long as she
wants -HAHAHA!! See what they get for calling me in the evening.
Selected from recent issues:
http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent
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Date: Fri, 22 May 1998 09:52:48 -0400
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Domination Of The Species ;) <clean>
Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes
and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the
men that dominated their women on earth and the other line
for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want
all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looked the women are gone
and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated
by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that
dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves.
I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates.
Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud.
Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the
only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here"
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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