Digest for Tuesday, June 02, 1998
There are 17 messages totalling 576 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Cat Rules
- Homesick < offensive to Indians/Hindus>
- Cat in the Store (Pun)
- Life in General
- paedophiles, priest, disgusting -
- Walking with your partner
- Growing up....(language)
- Flying into Frankfurt
- Flying High
- Presidential Clock (adult)
- Spice Girls Shock! ( off. to SG fans )
- New Spice Girl
- On the train
- Hypnosis In Church
- [Fwd: Send your message.]
- Playing father
- Catholic Schoolroom
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Date: Mon, 1 Jun 1998 23:33:26 -0700
From: Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Cat Rules
[Thanks to Ellen.Lee@quester.com (Ellen Lee)]
1. The cat is not allowed in the house.
2. The cat is allowed in the house, but only
in certain rooms.
3. The cat is allowed in all rooms, but must
stay off the furniture.
4. The cat can get on the old furniture only.
5. The cat is allowed on all the furniture, but
it is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. The cat can sleep on the bed, but not under the
covers or on the pillow.
7. The cat can sleep under the covers and on
the pillow by invitation only.
8. The cat can sleep under the covers
every night and on the pillow too.
9. Humans must ask permission to sleep under
the cover with the cat; only the cat can sleep on the
pillow.
10. The cat gives humans a haughty and dismissive look whenever
they deign to use the cat's pillow.
Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu
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Date: Tue, 2 Jun 1998 00:19:21 PDT
From: r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Homesick < offensive to Indians/Hindus>
A Hindu living on the streets of India hits a lottery and decides to
emigrate to America.
He buys a posh mansion. Within weeks of moving in he suffers headaches
and nausea.
He goes to see an American doctor. The doctor tells him to splash urine
and rub faeces into the basement of his mansion. The Indian reluctantly
agrees.
The mansion stinks but sure enough, he gets better day by day.
On his final visit to thank the doctor, he asks the doctor what his
ailment had been.
"You were not sick," says the doctor, "you were just homesick."
______________________________________________________
Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com
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Date: Tue, 2 Jun 1998 00:25:01 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Cat in the Store (Pun)
So this guy is in the supermarket, keeping a mental record of
how much he'll spend when he gets to the cash register. "That's two
dollars and a cat... Five dollars, fifty cents, and a cat... Nine
dollars and a cat... Thirteen dollars, sixty five cents, and a cat..."
A fellow shopper asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'and a cat?'"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the fellow said. "I've got an add-a-puss complex."
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Date: Tue, 2 Jun 1998 03:45:32 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Life in General
* First, let me say that no matter how bad you think life is,
when you consider the alternative -- it ain't all that bad.
- - - - -
* Have ya ever noticed that some people go through life looking
as if their contents settled during shipping.
- - - - -
* A philanthropist is a man who in his waning years of life gives
away in public the fortune he stole in private.
- - - - -
* How many times have you heard someone say, "If I had my life
to live over..." I've thought about that, and I'd probably
make the same damn mistakes, but a lot sooner.
- - - - -
* Mrs JimJr is indeed an old-fashioned girl. She said that she
married me for life, but she wants to know how come I haven't
shown any lately.
- - - - -
* Husband: "Darling, I've really have taken you over the bumps
of life, haven't I ?"
Wife: "That's true dear. I don't believe you've missed any."
- - - - -
* As you get older, you tend to slow down a bit. Like last year,
Mrs JimJr and I toasted the New Year's at home. She had rye,
and I had whole wheat.
- - - - -
* Some guys just breeze thru life never taking it seriously at all.
I have a friend who even if he were the sheik of a harem, he'd
still have a girl or two on the side.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Date: Tue, 2 Jun 1998 09:45:15 +0000
From: Richard Russell <Rick@LERHOST.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: paedophiles, priest, disgusting - <adult>
Two paedophiles were walking down the street one day when they came across a
pair of small lacey knickers on the ground. The first one picks them up,
smells them and goes "Aahhh... A seven year old girl". The other grabs them
from him and also takes a smell and goes "No, no ... Definiteley an eight year
old girl!"
The two of them are them smelling them in turns and arguing. "An eight year
old!", "No, a seven year old!", "Definiteley an eight year old!" .... and so
on.
The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask
them what the commotion is all about. The first paedophile tells the priest,
and asks him if he could sort out the argument, so the priest takes the
knickers, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he
looks at the two men and goes:
"Definiteley an eight year old girl!......... but not from my parish!"
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Date: Tue, 2 Jun 1998 05:46:44 -0400
From: Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Walking with your partner
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the
Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how
to
breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary
assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to
take
the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
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Date: Tue, 2 Jun 1998 05:53:14 -0400
From: Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Growing up....(language)
The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher
wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer
in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead
of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did
during the summer.
The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher
said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word."
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo.
The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a 'train.'
That's the grown up word."
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the
summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked
what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very
adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit."
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Date: Tue, 2 Jun 1998 05:39:22 -0400
From: Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Flying into Frankfurt
The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot.
They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to
get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement
that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt
ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after
landing.
Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the
active."
Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."
The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location
now."
Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you
never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop".
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Date: Tue, 2 Jun 1998 12:45:12 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Flying High <adult & language>
>From The Sunday Times of Johannesburg, SA. 31 May 1998
Passengers couldn't believe their eyes when a couple on flight SAA
233 from London to Johannesburg this week started having sex.
"It was the most callous display of lust I have ever seen." said a
young mother who was accompanied on the flight by her husband and two
sons."They had no shame or regard for the other passengers - it was
as though we weren't there," said the Cape Town woman, who asked not
to be named.Her husband added: "1 could understand it if they covered
themselves with a blanket, but no, it was wham, bam. right there in
the seat - in the missionary position -and just after she had
performed a sex act on him in full view of all of us." The couple, a
white male in his 40s who spoke with an English accent and an Indian
woman, boarded the aircraft in what was described as a "jovial" mood.
<snip>
Obligatory stupid joke follows:
At the check-in counter:
Attendant: "Would you like a screwing or non-screwing seat, sir?"
Passenger: "Actually, I would like a smoking seat, please."
Attendant: "A SMOKING seat?? Are you some kind of freak??"
And another one (I am on a roll)
On Board:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we have reached our cruising altitude. You may
now unfasten your seat belts and take your favourite position. Our
cabin staff will be happy to assist you in any way they can to ensure
that your flight with us will be an enjoyable experience."
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Date: Tue, 2 Jun 1998 07:05:33 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Presidential Clock (adult)
Laura walked into the White House for her first day of her internship and
was greeted by the President. After a short tour of the White House the
President asked "How would you like to see the Presidential 'clock'?"
Laura looked troubled and said "I don't know, Mr. President. I have heard
some pretty bad things about you. I don't think that would be a good
idea." "Nonsense", said the President."its just a clock". Laura agreed
and the president lead her into the oval office where they were alone. As
he closed the door he dropped his pants and pulled out his cock. Laura
gasped."Oh! That's not the Presidential clock...that's the Presidential
cock!" To which the president responded: "Laura honey, you put a face and
two hands on it and it's a clock!"
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Date: Mon, 1 Jun 1998 21:27:27 +0300
From: Wezz the Warlock <wtw@DLC.FI>
Subject: Spice Girls Shock! ( off. to SG fans )
Oh woe is us! Geri, The Ginger Spice, has left the Spice Girls. This
disaster has shocked thousands of fans, of which reportedly almost two were
over 12 years old!
"Shocks like these make you really think what life actually is about
anyway..", said a 12-year old orphan drug addict after hearing the news.
But not to worry, we already have a new Spice: Pamela Andersson! Come on,
now! She has posed nude, she has starred in a movie which sucked big time,
and she has done some singing, althought she can't sing. Just like Geri!
All Pamela has to do is to gain a couple of dozen kilograms and use
whatever dye Geri used on her hair.. And we have out new Spice Girl,
Silicon Spice!
Wezz the Warlock ICQ #9701457
http://www.dlc.fi/~wtw/
Pulvis et umbra sumus
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Date: Tue, 2 Jun 1998 09:06:21 EDT
From: Barbara Anderson <BSA0429@AOL.COM>
Subject: New Spice Girl
With the exit of Ginger Spice, the girls have been looking for her
replacement. Their newest member: Cher, who will affectionately known as Old
Spice.
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Date: Tue, 2 Jun 1998 09:53:05 -0400
From: Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: On the train
This joke, translated from French, seems to have originated with Michael
Dupont.
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The
four passangers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.=
=20
Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will
show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck
out of their wallet.=20
And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she
says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I'll show you my
thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill.
The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her undies.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off
their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will
show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." Naturally, all three
fork over the money, and then the girl turns to the window and points to a
hospital in the distance and says "There!"
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Michael Dupont <mdupont@planete.net>
=C7a se passe dans un train. Dans un des compartiments se trouvent quatre
personnes: trois hommes et une jeune femme de toute beaut=E9 .
La discussion s'engage rapidement entre les quatre passagers, puis, tr=E8s
vite prend une tournure plut=F4t =E9rotique. D'ailleurs, =E0 un moment, la =
jeune
femme propose: - Si chacun de vous me donne 10 francs je suis pr=EAte =E0
vous montrer mes mollets... Les hommes, sous le charme de la jeune femme
et d=E9j=E0 assez chaud sortent tous 10 balles de leurs portefeuilles. L=E0
dessus, la jeune femme s'ex=E9cute. et leur montre ses mollets ravissants.=
=20
La discussion continue, toujours plus =E9rotique, puis la jeune femme
relance: - Si chacun de vous me donne 100 francs je suis pr=EAte =E0 vous
montrer mes cuisses... Les hommes =E9tant ce qu'ils sont, ils n'h=E9sitent
pas une seconde et sortent chacun 100 francs de leurs portefeuilles. La
jeune femme remonte sa robe et leur laisse contempler le haut de ses
jambes splendides. Puis la discussion reprend, et cette fois-ci, les
hommes ont tomb=E9 la veste tant ils sont chauds. Tr=E8s vite, la jeune fem=
me
leur dit: - Si chacun de vous me donne 100 francs de plus, je vous montre
o=F9 j'ai =E9t=E9 op=E9r=E9e de l'appendicite... Naturellement, tous les t=
rois lui
donnent 100 francs de plus, et =E0 ce moment l=E0, la jeune femme se tourne
vers la fen=EAtre, et pointant du doigt un h=F4pital, elle dit: - C'est l=
=E0!=20
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Date: Tue, 2 Jun 1998 10:16:04 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Hypnosis In Church <mild language warning>
Hypnosis In Church
A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection
plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be
able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would
I go about doing that?" he asked.
"It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the
auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile,
you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern
and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold
the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want
to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore,
he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on
the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs
and parts flew everywhere.
"Shit!" exclaimed the pastor.
It took them a week to clean up the church.
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Tue, 2 Jun 1998 18:45:33 -0400
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The following commentary is provided to you via the Citizens Flag Alliance listserve, which you are subscribed. This is to help you in promoting the need for a constitutional amendment to protect the U.S. Flag from acts of physical desecration.
This column appears in the June issue of "Old Glory News." To read more stories visit us at [http://www.cfa-inc.org/ogn698h.htm]
Remember June 14 is Flag Day. Fly your flag. Show Your Colors, America!
If You Believe, Then Fly Your Flag
By Patrick H. Brady
Chairman of the Board
Citizens Flag Alliance, Inc.
FLAG DAY was once a day when America honored the inspirational, unifying and patriotic effects of our flag-not as a piece of cloth but as the vault for the values of America, the symbol of our soul, our honor, our dignity and our unity. It has been the tissue for the tears of widows as they wept over the coffins of loved ones, the armor and the inspiration of soldiers in combat. It is the shield of justice for soldiers of peace, men like Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. And it is the greatest teaching aid we have to inspire in our children patriotism, citizenship and respect.
One week after Flag Day 1989, the U.S. Supreme Court took away the right of the American people to protect their flag, a right we held since our birth, and today the flag is just another piece of cloth to be burned and soiled with impunity.
The courts have taken the simple word speech from the First Amendment and distorted it beyond recognition. Just consider this: prayer is not protected speech, pornography is. Burning a draft card or a cross is not protected speech, but burning a flag is.
If speech can be other than verbal then flying the flag is the most powerful speech there is. Our flag speaks a language understood by the entire world. Nothing speaks as eloquently as Old Glory about who we are and the sacrifices of those who got us here.
And that is the best way for us to speak on this issue, fly our flags. The fate of our flag is now in the Senate and if enough senators see enough flags they will hear us.
If you disagree with the courts who say that defecating on the flag is speech, and if you agree with 80 percent of the American people who believe any form of flag desecration is despicable, hateful conduct, fly your flag. If you believe that the people, not the courts, own Old Glory, then fly Old Glory.
If you believe that the core of this issue is values and If you believe that our laws should reflect our values, fly your flag
If you believe in the right of the majority of the people to determine the laws and the values that govern our society, then fly your flag.
If you agree with Justice Hugo Black and five Supreme Courts in this century who agreed with him when he said "It passes my belief that anything in the Federal Constitution bars making the deliberate burning of the American flag an offense," fly you flag.
If you agree with Thomas Jefferson and James Madison, who wrote the First Amendment and believed Old Glory should be protected, fly your flag.
If you agree with George Washington that amending the Constitution is the only way for the people to control and protect it, then fly the flag that Washington himself helped design.
If you believe that no one should be allowed to substitute hateful, violent acts for reasonable speech in order to be heard, fly the symbol of free speech, fly Old Glory.
The concept of patriotism is not a hollow idea. It is a complex and powerful thing. It is the glue that holds us all together. With one flag, one pledge and one national anthem, we are bound together as Americans. This Flag Day-June 14-I hope you will join me and show your colors in thanks to those whose sacrifices brought us that bounty that is America, and as a sign of your dedication to recapture Old Glory in the future.
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Date: Tue, 2 Jun 1998 20:30:43 -0700
From: Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Playing father
[Thanks to Ellen.Lee@quester.com]
Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge
and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother
enters the kitchen.
She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's
too close to supper time. Go outside and play."
Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do
you want to play?"
He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says,
"Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"
Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation Mom goes
upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and
opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he
starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end
table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top
of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get
that kid some ice cream!"
Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu
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Date: Tue, 2 Jun 1998 20:47:33 -0700
From: Keith E. Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Catholic Schoolroom
CATHOLIC SCHOOLROOM
A couple of fifth-grade boys were horsing around in their Catholic
schoolroom when, to their amazement, the teacher spied them out of the
corner of her eye.
She duly reprimanded them, then overheard the following conversation:
"How did she see us?" one boy asked.
Wayne replied, "You forgot. She has good parochial vision!"
Kids Are Still Saying the Darndest Things by Dandi Daley Mackall
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