Digest for Thursday, July 02, 1998
There are 17 messages totalling 684 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Ego
- Its all in the wording (offended? see someone about it.)
- Adult
- A Few Smiles (adult)
- Seinfeld On Parents
- Jerry Seinfeld talks about family...
- July 3rd In History
- ... Killed The Tobacco Bill
- HUMOR thats kinda subtle...
- The World According to Student Bloopers - Part 4 of 4
- Omniscience
- DOG QUOTES
- Sacrifice
- Time For A Camel...
- Independence Day
- No Joke - A link to an excellent source of "true" stories - not mine and spamless
- work or play?
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Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 03:33:22 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Ego
* I guess one of my biggest pet peeves is people who think they
know everything. If they only knew how much they bug those of
us who really do.
- - - - -
* Seriously though, even the best of us have some imperfections.
For example, God only granted me average looks; to compensate,
He gave me near perfection in brains, talent, wit and charm.
- - - - -
* There ! See how irritating that can be ? Trust me on this one,
the thing that increases in size the most on any man when you
stroke it is his ego.
- - - - -
* Males don't corner the market on ego either. I know a Yuppette
whose idea of being unfaithful is turning away from the mirror.
- - - - -
* What exactly is an egotist ? Easy -- it's a person who thinks
they're everything you already are.
- - - - -
* Senior Managers at the Maryland State Highway had some of the
biggest egos I've ever seen. Once during a road opening, a
bad thunderstorm started to roll in. At the first loud boom
of thunder, five of them stood up and bowed.
- - - - -
* The Government is the loser on ego-maniacs though. Just imagine
if they had to pay taxes on what they think they're worth.
- - - - -
* But I guess overall, egotists aren't all that bad. How else
could they have a special place in their hearts for themselves.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
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Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 08:02:28 GMT
From: Michael Mullen <mmullen@3-CITIES.COM>
Subject: It's all in the wording (offended? see someone about it.)
The State of Florida had a problem. The drug bust over the years had =
filled
their storage areas with Marijuana. It was decided the only option was =
to burn
all of the Marijuana on hand.
The eventful day a huge mound of Marijuana was torched. The fire raged
and the smoke of the weed raised in a large cloud. At this time a flock =
of
Tern's flew through this cloud.
A group of forest rangers (aka Their environmental watch dogs) were sent
out to assure the welbeing of the Terns . They followed this flock until =
they
finally landed. The rangers sneaking upon the terns were able to observe =
and
issue a report that read: Not a Tern was left unstoned.
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Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 11:30:45 +0100
From: Richard Russell <rick@LERHOST.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: Adult <off. to George Michael>
Q: What is white and creamy and runs down the back of a toilet bowl??
.
.
.
.
.
.
A: George Michael's latest hit.
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Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 07:05:59 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A Few Smiles (adult)
The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his
class at MIT. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in
the other, he told the class, "You can see that I get a large charge from
rubbing my rod..." That was pretty much the end of learning for that day.
**************************************************************************
I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an
employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages,
e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint
counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom
system with the following message: "I have a customer by the balls in
toys who needs assistance."
*********************************
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders.
One day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the
problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a
huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more
investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy
about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a
bucket at his feet, full of change.
*******************************************
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped
out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle
of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the
entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded
to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the
lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I
found them in the hallway. Now," she said, "if only I could find my
parakeet."
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Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 08:54:59 EDT
From: Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Seinfeld On Parents
Jerry Seinfeld talks about family...
"I come from the kind of family where my mother kept an extra
roll of toilet paper on the tank in the back of the toilet, and it
had a little knit hat with a pom-pom on it. I didn't know if the
purpose of this was so people wouldn't know that we had an
extra roll of toilet paper or because my mother felt even the
toilet paper is emparrasses to be what it is. The toilet paper
had a hat, the dog had a sweater, and the couch arms ahd back
had little fabric toupees to protect it. I never felt the need to try
drugs growing up. My reality was already altered.
"Parents make the best employers. Because no matter how bad
a job you do they're stuck with you.
"I used to mow the lawn for 5 bucks on the weekend. I was the
worst. Sometimes I wouldn't even turn the mower on. I'd just make
the lines with the wheels and say I was done. And there was
nothing they could do. My father couldn't go, 'Listen son, you're
not really cutting the mustard out there on that lawn. Now I know
you've been in the family for about 15 years, but I'm afraid we're going
to have to let you go. Don't feel too bad about it. We're making
cutbacks all over the house. The dog's only coming in 3 days a week.'"
===========================================
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin
===========================================
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Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 09:12:00 EDT
From: Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Jerry Seinfeld talks about family...
From his book called "SeinLanguage" copyright 1993
"I come from the kind of family where my mother kept an extra
roll of toilet paper on the tank in the back of the toilet, and it
had a little knit hat with a pom-pom on it. I didn't know if the
purpose of this was so people wouldn't know that we had an
extra roll of toilet paper or because my mother felt even the
toilet paper is emparrasses to be what it is. The toilet paper
had a hat, the dog had a sweater, and the couch arms ahd back
had little fabric toupees to protect it. I never felt the need to try
drugs growing up. My reality was already altered.
"Parents make the best employers. Because no matter how bad
a job you do they're stuck with you.
"I used to mow the lawn for 5 bucks on the weekend. I was the
worst. Sometimes I wouldn't even turn the mower on. I'd just make
the lines with the wheels and say I was done. And there was
nothing they could do. My father couldn't go, 'Listen son, you're
not really cutting the mustard out there on that lawn. Now I know
you've been in the family for about 15 years, but I'm afraid we're going
to have to let you go. Don't feel too bad about it. We're making
cutbacks all over the house. The dog's only coming in 3 days a week.'"
===========================================
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin
===========================================
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Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 10:18:40 -0500
From: Joe Hickman <comedy@FLASH.NET>
Subject: July 3rd In History <Quebeckers, Rogers fans>
--------------
On this day in 1608 Champlain founded the first European settlement on
the site of what is now Quebec. All the signs were in French in spite of
nearby English settlements. Just like today.
Air Conditioning Appreciation Days begin today and continue through the
hottest days of summer. Thanks to air conditioning we can breathe cool,
clean air all summer long for only pennies per breath.
Actor Tom Cruise was born on the 3rd of July in 1962. He wanted to be
born on the 4th of July, but his mom worked at the post office and
delivered a day early. Postal employees just won't deliver on a holiday.
Roy Rogers' horse Trigger died at age 33 on this date in 1965. Roy and
Trigger were inseparable, which made things very difficult for Roy's
wife, Dale Evans. Whenever Dale wanted to horse around there was always
a horse around.
Dog Days begins today. According to legend, Dogs Days are the hottest
days of summer, an evil time when the sea boils, wine turns sour, dogs
grow mad, and all creatures become droopy and listless. So have a nice
day.
--------------
From Ha! at http://www.flash.net/~comedy
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Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 11:57:58 -0400
From: Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: ... Killed The Tobacco Bill
Top Ten Hidden Provisions That Killed The Tobacco Bill
(sounds like a Letterman thing,
but no attribution was attached)
10. Would have eliminated the congressional "smoke-filled room."
9. For every teen that doesn't start smoking, two middle-aged
people must start.
8. Mandatory life sentence for having a cigarette after sex.
7. Proposed compensation for each lung cancer victim included
a truckload of Lucky Strikes.
6. All "no" voters got a free Viagra prescription.
5. By the year 2002, cigarettes must be completely flame-proof.
4. Each pack of cigarettes sold must also include a free copy
of Netscape Navigator.
3. Joe Camel must mate with another camel in order to provide
smoking cartoon characters that will convey a bad message
to future generations.
2. Proposed Surgeon General's warning on candy cigarettes.
1. Cigarettes may be sold to minors only if their ID is "pretty damn good."
-------------------
(from "PZ's Morning Jokes")
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Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 13:57:02 -0400
From: James Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR that's kinda subtle...
From A.WORD.A.DAY
This sentance has threee errors.
--
Jim Mica JMICA@ITHACA.EDU
Philosophy is a battle against the bewitchment of our intelligence by means of
language.
-Ludwig Witgenstein
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Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 14:47:09 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The World According to Student Bloopers - Part 4 of 4
The World According to Student Bloopers - Part 4 of 4
Richard Lederer, St. Paul's School
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
receiving the
occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together
the
following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers
collected
by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college
level.
Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he
built with his own hands.
When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In
onion there is strength."
Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from
Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the
Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes
citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes
and other innocent
victims.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in
his seat
by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was
John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare
invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy".
Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the
Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel
was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach
died from 1750 to the present.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote
loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished
before it happened.
The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it
catapulted
into Napoleon.
During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in
their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped
at Napoleon's flanks.
Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and
unrestrained.
He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness,
she couldn't bear him any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in
the East and the sun sets in the West.
Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her
reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great
personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a
hundred men.
Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy.
Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis.
Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species".
Madman Curie discovered radium.
And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf,
ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 15:15:38 -0400
From: Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Omniscience
These came to me via Juana Roberta Sanchez, who intended them to be
men-bashing statements. I altered them slightly because I think they
apply to everyone.
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Have you ever wondered why:
People who have never been west of Kentucky can tell you about
the mentality of the Japanese?
People who can't pay their credit card bills have a plan for dealing
with the national debt?
People who aren't on speaking terms with their families know
how to achieve peace in the Middle East?
People who flunked high school physics can explain what went
wrong at NASA?
Men who haven't had a date in six months know what women
really want?
(There's no getting around this one! :-( I think she got us!)
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Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 12:52:50 -0700
From: Rob Rosamond <robrosamond@JUNO.COM>
Subject: DOG QUOTES
FAMOUS DOG QUOTES
"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." -- Unknown
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." -- Gene
Hill
"In dog years, I'm dead." -- Unknown
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the
car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at
nothing right in your ear." -- Dave Barry
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a
dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of
dogs." -- Aldous Huxley
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three
times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the
guts to bite people themselves." -- August Strindberg
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless
absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." --
Fran Lebowitz
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back
from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork,
half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
-- Anne Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird
religious cult." -- Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a
can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -- Joe Weinstein
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I
have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -- James
Thurber
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person
with pets." -- Nora Ephron
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you
are wonderful." -- Ann Landers
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax
and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone
should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore
him." -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is
one of the most fond memories!" -- Dr. Tom Cat
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your
face." -- Ben Williams
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." --
Edward Abbey
"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it
look like the dog did it." -- Unknown
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of
his tail." -- Unknown
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as
the dog does." -- Christopher Morley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves
himself." -- Josh Billings
"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." -- Holbrook Jackson
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." --
Andrew A. Rooney
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are
his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true,
to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such
devotion." -- Unknown
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not
bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
-- Mark Twain
"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great
Dane." -- Smiley Blanton
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed
contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are
nuts." -- John Steinbeck
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Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 17:51:23 EDT
From: Elizabeth Davis <NoDbtGrr1@AOL.COM>
Subject: Sacrifice <adult>
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had
been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife,
bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy
hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he
wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our
lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that
way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!"
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Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 20:51:42 -0400
From: Peter Beloin <pbeloin@BANET.NET>
Subject: Time For A Camel...<Risque>
An 'American' tourist couple, both sociologists, were walking the streets of
a small town in Saudi Arabia. It was nearing the middle of the day and they
didn't want to miss lunch at their ramshackle hotel--the only one in town
and which always served meals promptly. They came upon an old herder
perched on a stool beside his camel. "Excuse me, sir," the man asked, "but
could you tell me the time?"
The old man glanced at them, spat in the dirt, then turned and reached under
his camel....and hefted the animal's testicles. After a moment, he released
them. "It is 10 minutes before noon," he replied. The couple exchanged
confused looks, thanked the man and hurried back to their hotel, arriving
just in time for the meal.
Later that day, the wandering couple found themselves again on the same
street and spied the old herder perched beside his camel, apparently
unmoved. Curious as to how he could tell time by fondling his animal's balls
they approached him and asked again, "Sir, can you tell us the time?" They
watched closely as he again reached up and grabbed the camel's jewels,
seemingly judging their weight, then pronounced, "It is half-past four."
The couple excitedly exchanged looks. The woman blurted, "Oh, sir! That is
an amazing ability you have! Could you show us how you do it?!?
"Surely," the herder responded tiredly, and motioned them to squat beside
him. "Now, grasp his jewels gently and lift them up to his belly." The
woman did so while her companion watched. "What now?", she inquired.
"Now," said the old man, "look over there--can you now see the clock in the
far tower? When the big hand is on the......."
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Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 20:13:35 -0700
From: Keith E. Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Independence Day
INDEPENDENCE DAY
Exactly what did occur on July 4, 1776?
a. Strom Thurmond graduated from high school.
b. The Whitewater investigation began.
c. The movie "Independence Day" opened in Philadelphia.
Why the animosity between us and the British?
a. They forced the game of cricket on us. (Cricket being baseball on
Quaaludes.)
b. After we had sold them tons of tobacco, they read the Surgeon
General's report.
Why did the colonists sigh the Declaration of Independence on the Fourth
of July?
a. It was a holiday, and there was very little traffic.
b. The Phillies were on a road trip.
Were they in favor of capital punishment?
a. By all means. Especially for smart -- newspaper writers who
trivialize history.
Mark Russell
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Date: Fri, 3 Jul 1998 04:54:00 GMT
From: Michael Mullen <mmullen@3-CITIES.COM>
Subject: No Joke - A link to an excellent source of "true" stories - not mine
and spamless
You really need to enjoy this:
http://www.ionet.net/~ziegler/ts.htm
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Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 21:27:07 -0800
From: Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: work or play? <maybe offensive to Jewish wifes>
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not
sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his
opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an
exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not
permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a
minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and
therefore not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man
of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes
to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex
is definitely play."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell
me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid
do it."
ICQ# 13621615
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