Digest for Friday, July 03, 1998
There are 6 messages totalling 249 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- The Fourth of July (Pun)
- Insults for the Egotist
- A Couple of Golf Jokes
- College Football
- Independence Day (off to persons with sunburned necks maybe)
- Stripper Gave Customer Whiplash
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Date: Thu, 2 Jul 1998 23:35:56 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Fourth of July (Pun)
It was a hot summer's day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few
beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the "Fourth of July." He
was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a
cruise.
Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his wife from
her appointment with the obstetrician. Her examinations were cheap
because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie's cousin. Anyway,
the appointment went over time, and Opie was late getting to the
marina.
Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain. When he
saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the
side of the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly fell in! Opie got
there just in time to grab Luke.
. . . Thus, it was that O. B. Juan's kin, Opie, saved Luke from
falling to the dock side of the Fourth.
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Date: Fri, 3 Jul 1998 04:57:21 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Insults for the Egotist
Yesterday I provided a few hints on identifying egotists and
their general behavior. Today, here's a few ways to at least
put a dent in their swelled heads:
* _______ always enters a room voice first
* _______ has had a great love affair for years -- unassisted
* One thing about _______, he's always me-deep in conversation
* _______'s problem is he's going thru life with his horn stuck
* It wouldn't do one bit of good to for ________ to see himself
as others do. He wouldn't believe it anyway
* If you've never heard a good word about _______,
it's only because you haven't talked to him/her
* _______ keeps complaining he's not paid what he's worth.
No wonder, his company would violate the Minimum Wage Law
* After listening to _______ extol his virtues, more than ever,
you're sure that he has that certain nothing
* First impressions always count, but in _______'s case
there's a lot less there than meets the eye
* Someone should tell _______ that there's a big difference
between working up steam and generating a fog
* _______ claims he was cut out to be a genius
too bad no one ever put the pieces together
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Date: Fri, 3 Jul 1998 07:07:30 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A Couple of Golf Jokes
The Golf Pro
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a
$100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously
much better than I am , to even it a bit you have to spot me two
'gotchas'." The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went
along with it. And off they went.
Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were greatly
amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100. "What happened?" asked
one of the members. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first
hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand up between
my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried
to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
***************************************************************************
A Long Shot
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up,
looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and
speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says,
"What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife
is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect
shot." "Forget it, man-you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of
hitting her from here!"
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Date: Fri, 3 Jul 1998 13:09:37 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: College Football
College Football
The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can
you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a
telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and,
in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I
can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Fri, 3 Jul 1998 16:05:34 -0400
From: rlb <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Independence Day (off to persons with sunburned necks maybe)
Many years ago at the age of 14 or so I was on a bus returning home from a
spectacular 4th of July fireworks show. It was a hot, humid New Jersey night
and the bus wasn't moving because it was trapped in a humongous traffic jam.
It was late and tempers were short all around.
At one point I looked out the window and said half to myself half out loud:
"For this we fought a revolution?"
A wave of laughter rolled through the bus and the temperature seemed to cool
appreciably. To commemorate that event, here's the lyrics to "Independence
Day". For the tune, call at http://www.twistedtunes.com/
Happy 4th to y'all.
Bob
Istanbul
Independence Day
(c) Bob Rivers & Twisted Radio
There's a holiday that celebrates the American way of life.
Gonna have a barbecue with all my children and my wife.
Picked up some cherry bombs at a roadside stand today.
Gonna blow stuff up for freedom; and they can't take that away.
If you're proud to be an American
Set your fireworks off with me
And be careful or you'll lose an eye
So hide behind that tree, everybody
STAND BACK fifty feet and enjoy this big display
'Cause this stuff is pow'rful contraband.
God bless the USA.
[Fireworks sounds]
Got a dozen Roman candles, quarter-sticks of TNT
A box of bottle rockets--I bought 'em legally.
From Detroit down to Houston, and New York to L.A.
There's a fire in every American yard every Independence Day.
And I'm loud, I'm free, I'm American
And as proud as I can be
And I'd like to thank the Chinese guy
Who made this stuff for me. Everybody
STAND BACK fifty feet just in case it heads your way
'Cause I'd hate to see you lose a hand
[Choral backup] Lose my hand
On Independence Day.
[Fireworks sounds]
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Date: Fri, 3 Jul 1998 22:03:25 EDT
From: Steve Yothment <SteveYoth@AOL.COM>
Subject: Stripper Gave Customer Whiplash <adult theme>
From the July 2 Atlanta Journal-Constitution:
"Stripper Gave Customer Whiplash, Lawsuit Claims"
- "Bachelor party fun backfired in Florida"
Clearwater, Fla. (AP) -- A man suing a topless club says an exotic dancer
gave him whiplash during his 1996 bachelor party when she slammed her generous
chest into his head.
"I saw stars," said Paul Shimkonis. "Aparently she jumped up and slammed
her breasts into my head and just about knocked me out. It was like two
cement blocks hit me."
Shimkonis said he hurt his neck and back at Diamond Dolls in Clearwater when
Tawny Peaks, who boasts of a 60-HH bust, surprised him. He was there with
friends on Sept. 27, 1996, for a night out before his Oct. 5 wedding.
He said he was too embarrassed to go to the doctor for three months. Nearly
two years later, he said, he was still in pain and the club wouldn't pay his
medical bills. So he sued.
"I can't turn my neck to the right at all. I have to turn at the waist."
said Shimkonis, 38. "When I tell people how it happened, they just laugh. At
work, I just don't tell them anymore."
Shimkonis is seeking more than $15,000 in damages in a suit filed Tuesday in
Pinellas County Circuit Court.
Vinny Radene, a club manager, said he didn't see the incident or hear about
it, but thought the suit was "kind of silly."
- Steve Yothment, Lawrenceville, GA
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