Digest for Sunday, July 05, 1998
There are 9 messages totalling 596 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Life in Columbia Maryland
- Ethel (adult)
- (Adult Content) Camelot
- The Henpecked Hubby
- Horse Ride
- Return from Overseas (Pun)
- Humor - Wierd Business News #6
- Dilbert wanna be: 8-14 out of 14
- travel language joke (offensive to asians)
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Date: Sun, 5 Jul 1998 03:22:04 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Life in Columbia Maryland
* Columbia's Twelve-Step Program for those residents recovering from
Twelve-Step programs meets every Thursday at The Serenity Center.
- - - - -
* The Columbia Community Players recently presented 3 plays about
Love at the local community college. They were listed as: "Money,
the Universal Language"; "To See or Be Seen"; & "Glittering Gold".
- - - - -
* A carillon concert was held at Centennial Park. In keeping with
the tradition of summer cook-outs, pit Quiche Lorraine was offered
to listeners as refreshments.
- - - - -
* A drill was held by the SARtrek Search and Rescue Team of Columbia.
All participants carried backpacks fulled loaded with Pierrer, the
"Wine of the Month" and Chevre-Peppered Smoked Salmon Croutes.
- - - - -
* A pre-kindergarten program for low income families in Columbia has
been expanded to two new schools this year. To qualify, parents
must have combined incomes of less than $ 255,000.
- - - - -
* Food baskets for the underprivileged were delivered by students
to earn credits towards their community service requirements.
All families in Columbia owning less than two BMW's were selected
to receive this month's 4th of July picnic baskets.
- - - - -
* A messy strike was avoided recently when all of the members of
Columbia's blue-collar workers ratified a new one-year contract.
All seven of the blue-collar union members in this city of 90,000
said they were pleased with the contract's terms.
- - - - -
* The PGA's Seniors Tournament being held at Columbia's Hobbits Glen
this week is expected to generate $15 million in additional sales
for local businesses. A spokesman for the Columbia Association
said the additional 4.7% in average weekly revenue for the merchants
should help provide smaller bills to make change for the Seniors.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
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Date: Sun, 5 Jul 1998 11:42:51 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Ethel (adult)
Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around
the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum
speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is a sandwich short
of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her, and some actually joined
in!
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and a
resident stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he said in a firm
voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?". Ethel fished around in
her handbag on her lap and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper which she held up
to him. "OK" he said and she went on her way. After taking the corner
near the TV lounge on one wheel, another man stepped out in front of her
and shouted "STOP! Have you got a valid tax decal for your vehicle,
Madam?". Ethel dug into her handbag again and pulled out a beer-coaster
which she held up to him and he allowed her to carry on. Going down the
final corridor before the front door, a third resident stepped out in
front of her. This one was stark naked and was holding a sizable erection
in his hand..."Oh no," said Ethel, "...not the breathalyzer again!"
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Date: Sun, 5 Jul 1998 08:56:06 -0700
From: Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: (Adult Content) Camelot
King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about
leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round
Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his
predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come
back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something.
A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the
good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity
belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening.
How is this supposed to protect milady, the Queen?"
"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work
bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most
worn out wand. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity
belt where upon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave,
knowing that my Queen is fully protected."
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his
Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he
assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers
for an informal 'short arm' inspection.
Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in
some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. "Sir Galahad", exclaimed King
Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have
been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is
yours!"
"Mmmphmp," said Sir Galahad.
Rodney And Cathy's Joke List
Visit our web site at: http://www.rcjokelist.com
To subscribe send a message to: rcjokelist-on@mail-list.com
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Date: Sun, 5 Jul 1998 11:03:54 -0500
From: RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: The Henpecked Hubby
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert
himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go
home and show her you're the boss."
The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went
home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and
growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my
supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs
and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys.
You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another
thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"
"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."
--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
Just enjoy the Rainbow~
RAINY
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Date: Sun, 5 Jul 1998 14:59:02 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Horse Ride
A Harrowing Horse Ride
Not to long ago a blonde woman I know had a near death experience that
has changed her forever. She was horseback riding, and everything was
going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried
with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.
Her foot became caught in the stirrup. She fell head first to the
ground
and her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or
even slow down.
Just when things were looking their worst, as she was giving up hope
and
about to lose consciousness, there was a miracle: The Wal-Mart manager
came and unplugged it.
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Sun, 5 Jul 1998 12:33:13 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Return from Overseas (Pun)
A friend of mine recently returned from a trip to Bombay and Calcutta
where he purchased two diamond necklesses. On his return flight to the
United States, he had to go through customs where he was asked to list
eveerything he had purchased on his trip. So he made . . . the
declaration of Indian pendants.
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Date: Sun, 5 Jul 1998 16:57:59 -0500
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Wierd Business News #6
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Jim Barlow's Column, Houston Chronicle:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FOR those who had a fifth on the Fourth and aren't up to the harsh
realities of the business world -- lighten up with some Weird Business
News.
The Best Business Invitation of the Month was the mysterious one, no
company name attached, inviting me to "Please join us in celebrating the
birth of Chewy, the gorilla." Vital statistics included a weight of 45,000
pounds and length of 32 feet.
Chewy turns out to be owned by Medwaste Technologies Corp. of Houston.
Chewy grinds up medical waste, disinfects it, then spits it out. Now aren't
you glad you know that.
Our Road Sign of the Month comes to us courtesy of Travel Weekly, a trade
magazine. It was at a resort hotel in England and warned, "Beware. Slow
Moving Hedgehogs."
Product of the Month -- the Safesun. A palm-size ultraviolet meter. You
punch in your skin type and the sunscreen you're wearing. It beeps before
you burn.
Product of the Month (second place) to VMM Enterprises of Clearwater,
Fla., which is marketing the world's first training bra for adult women.
And speaking of hot news. Balance Bar has been named the Official Energy
Bar of the Suzuki Rock 'n' Roll Marathon of San Diego, Calif.
More hot news. Nearly two-thirds of all companies have employees looking
at smut on the Internet during business hours, using company computers.
That was brought to you by Elron Software, which (no surprise) makes Elron
Internet Manager, which allows companies to snoop on their smut-smugglers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Sun, 5 Jul 1998 18:59:30 -0400
From: Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Dilbert wanna be: 8-14 out of 14
This was forwarded to me by a friend who seems to have gotten it from
dndlea@xxxxxxx.com (Donn)
-----------------------------------------
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They writers were
looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type
managers.
Here are some of the submissions:
8. Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I'
say." (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)
9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When
I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work
on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her
burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping
Executive, FTD Florists)
10. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not
going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Long Lines Division)
11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is
to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject
mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning
a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be
soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited
until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)
13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo
reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of
the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used
by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the
executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was
told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I
asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts"
(pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the
memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical"
circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked
the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to
my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days
later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words
which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in
company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company
policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the
Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
14. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo
from a large communications company:" Lucent Technologies is endeavorily
determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of
transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if
not supercede, the expectations of quality!"
!
!
!
--------- End forwarded message ----------
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Date: Sun, 5 Jul 1998 20:51:03 -0400
From: Michael Pollak <mpollak@PANIX.COM>
Subject: travel language joke (offensive to asians)
This is a telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room service at a
hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic
Review:
Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees."
Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye. Ruin sorbees. Morny! Jewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh, yes, I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den - fry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled, please."
RS: "Ow July dee baychem - crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine"
RS: "Hokay. An San toes?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San toes. July San toes?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo
one toes' means."
RS: "Toes! Toes! Why jew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping
we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.
Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No, just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter - just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease
baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and
copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome"
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