Digest for Saturday, August 01, 1998
There are 5 messages totalling 233 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Blonde joke
- Life in General
- More Female Bashing (adult)
- How to Write a Graoner (Pun)
- 2 Story House
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Date: Fri, 31 Jul 1998 22:13:35 -0800
From: Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Blonde joke
Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding
would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over
her shoulder or nail it in.
The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you
throwing those nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's
pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed
toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"
The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails
pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the
house!!"
steven
ICQ# 13621615
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Date: Sat, 1 Aug 1998 03:39:19 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Life in General
* It's been my experience those who complain the loudest that they
don't get everything they deserve should be thankful they don't.
- - - - -
* Speaking of loudmouths (I was), isn't it a shame that those who
lose the art of conversation don't also lose the power of speech.
- - - - -
* Have you ever noticed that no matter what happens some relative,
friend or neighbor knew it would, and predicated it months ago.
- - - - -
* In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale;
behavioral differences are due to their unequal activity.
- - - - -
* Mrs JimJr claims that being a woman is a terribly difficult task,
since it consists principally in dealing with men.
- - - - -
* Did ya ever notice in the classifieds all of the best jobs, with
the highest pay, are found in the "situations-wanted" section ?
- - - - -
* The very best host/hostess are able to make their company feel at
home, even when they wish they were.
- - - - -
* Don't despair about aging. Just remember that with every passing
birthday, everyone else you know is a year older also.
- - - - -
* Always stand ready to aid a friend who's in serious trouble. They
will never forget you. They'll call every time they're in trouble.
- - - - -
* There are only two classes of people in the world. The righteous
and the unrighteous. The classifying is done by the righteous.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
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Date: Sat, 1 Aug 1998 09:13:37 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: More Female Bashing (adult)
She does not: GET PMS
She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She does not have: A KILLER BODY
She is: TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
She is not: A BAD COOK
She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
She is not: A BAD DRIVER
She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
She is not: A PERFECT 10
She is: NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR
She is not: EASY
She is: HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She does not: HATE SPORTS ON TV
She is: ATHLETICALLY BIASED
She does not have: SEXY LIPS
She is: COLLAGEN DEPENDENT
She does not get: DRUNK
She is: ACCIDENTALLY OVER SERVED
You do not ask her: TO DANCE
You request: A PRECOITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE
She is not: A GOSSIP
She is a: VERBAL TERMINATOR
She does not: WORK OUT TOO MUCH
She is an: ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER
She does not have a: GREAT BUTT
She is: GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS
She is not: HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED
She is not: COLD OR FRIGID
She is: THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE
She does not: WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP
She is: COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED
She does not have: GREAT CLEAVAGE (A GREAT RACK)
Her breasts are: CENTRALLY LOCATED
She will never: GAIN WEIGHT
She will become: A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER
She is not: A SCREAMER OR MOANER
She is: VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
She does not: SHAVE HER LEGS
She experiences: TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION
She does not have: A HARD BODY
She is: ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE
She does not: SUN BATHE
She experiences: SOLAR ENHANCEMENT
Her breasts will never: SAG
They will: LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD
She does not: SHOP TOO MUCH
She is: OVERLY SUCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS
She does not: CUT YOU OFF
She becomes: HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE
She does not have: BIG HAIR
She is: OVERLY AEROSOLED
She does not: SNORE
She is: NASALLY REPETITIVE
She does not: GET DRUNK
She becomes: VERBALLY DYSLEXIC
She does not have: BIG HOOTERS
Her: CUPS RUNNETH OVER
She is not: TOO SKINNY
She is: SKELETALLY PROMINENT
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Date: Sat, 1 Aug 1998 17:43:36 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: How to Write a Graoner (Pun)
You too can write puns. Here is how you do it in one easy lesson ....
Ranch furnishing in the sage brush country is informal and haphazard.
For instance, picture a kitchen with a wood range for cooking and as
well, there is a second, older stove, rusting and decrepit, no longer
useful except as a table. On top of it sits a squat ice refrigerator to
keep the ranch fruit and milk cool during the hot summer. It also holds
some beer.
Got the scene? The door opens and in comes Cactus, one of the hands. He
reaches into the old refrigerator for a beer, holds it down on the top
to uncap it, the froth bubbles up and flows down the cold bottle and
from there it drips on to the old stove.
Thus there will be ... foam on the range where the beer and the
cantaloupe stay....
Now, you try! . (By Himie Koshevoy)
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Date: Sat, 1 Aug 1998 23:14:51 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: 2 Story House <mature>
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly
reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a
divorce."
"Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal
about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the
other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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