Digest for Sunday, August 02, 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 386 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Generic Drug Names
- Football
- call of the wild
- What On Earth Is Going On??? (adult)
- Sadistic Jokes (sick)
- The Merits of a Mistress
-
- Water, Water!
- The Exam (Pun)
- If cars were like computers
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Date: Sun, 2 Aug 1998 02:10:24 -0400
From: Steve Cox <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Generic Drug Names
All Drugs have a generic name.
Tylenol is Acetaminophen
Advil is Ibuprofen
And so on...
What's the generic name for Viagra?
>
>
>
>
Mycoxafailin
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Date: Sun, 2 Aug 1998 03:38:03 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Football
* Believe it or not, even though it's still 90-100 degrees in the
US, football teams are gearing up to start the season. This year,
the Univ of Maryland is adding another squad to resolve some of
the problems they had last year. In addition to offense, defense,
and special teams, there will be a squad to attend classes.
- - - - -
* Football is supposed to build bodies. HAH ! I never miss a Dallas
CowBoy game on TV, and yet I'm still overweight.
- - - - -
* Some of the biggest players in pro football are the linemen. In
fact, they're so big, it only takes 3 of them to make a dozen.
- - - - -
* At some of the colleges this year, they're trying very hard to come
up with an institution of which the football team can be proud.
- - - - -
* For those of you who've never seen a football game, eleven men on
opposing sides try to move a small object a hundred yards. It's
about the same as the US Post Office.
- - - - -
* Football, unlike most other sports, is played regardless of the
weather. During one game where it was raining sideways, the team
that won the toss said they would "Kick off with the tide."
- - - - -
* During a Southern Methodist-Notre Dame football game last year,
the SMU people in Dallas yelled their lungs out. Nobody rooted
harder than a Priest. During a break in the action, a fan seated
next to him said, "Pardon me Father, but why aren't you cheering
for Notre Dame, being a Catholic and all."
"Son !" replied the Priest, "I'm first and foremost a Texan !"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
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Date: Sun, 2 Aug 1998 13:29:36 GMT
From: Michael Mullen <mmullen@3-CITIES.COM>
Subject: call of the wild
John Magrich 4, defeated serval dozen grown-ups to win the=20
1965 Los Angles County Hog Calling contest.
The grown-ups strained with calls like:
"Pig, Pig, Pig WHOOOoooeee, WHOOOoooeee, WHOOOoooeee, Pig, Pig, Pig"
or
"OOOOooooeeee, OOOOooooeeee ERGH, ERGH RRrkie, RRoooeee, Pig Pig Pig, =
Piggy.
John cried. "Here piggy piggy." and 6 pigs walked right up to him.
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Date: Sun, 2 Aug 1998 10:02:41 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: What On Earth Is Going On??? (adult)
After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was
doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present
his findings. "Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked.
"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in
a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it, a regular
Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex.
According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out
of five dentists recommend it. I'm afraid that it has reached epidemic
proportions.
"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to
what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"
"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in
oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will
happen to them on judgment day if they do not stop this type of
activity." replied St. Peter.
"That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of
punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who
refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to
each one of these good people." And so they did. Do you know what the
letter said?
(scroll down)
No?
(scroll down a little more)
Hmmm...You didn't get the letter either, huh?
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Date: Sun, 2 Aug 1998 13:04:57 -0400
From: Filip Razvan Ghitescu <raghitescu@PCNET.PCNET.RO>
Subject: Sadistic Jokes (sick)
- Mommy, can I play with grandpa?
- OK, but it is the last time we'll dig him out
---------------
A voice in the dark: -Daddy, how far lives granma from here?
- Shut up and keep digging!
---------------
- Alina, stop playing with the scissors: you dropped fingers allover the place!
---------------
- Mommy, can I eat one of grandpa's ears? - Not yet, let him boil for five more minutes
----------------
Masochist: Beat me, please beat me!!
Sadist: No way!
----------------
Filip Ghitescu
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Date: Sun, 2 Aug 1998 14:20:44 -0500
From: RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: The Merits of a Mistress
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the
merits of a mistress.
The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk
of being discovered.
The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce,
bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.
The computer scientist says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened
to me.
My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home
with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"
--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
Just enjoy the Rainbow~
RAINY
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Date: Sun, 2 Aug 1998 22:46:01 +0100
From: Big Steve <stem@ENTERPRISE.NET>
Subject: <No subject given>
get humor log00001
get humor log00002
get humor log00003
get humor log00004
get humor log00005
get humor log00006
get humor log00007
get humor log00008
get humor log00009
get humor log00010
get humor log00011
get humor log00012
get humor log00013
get humor log00014
get humor log00015
get humor log00016
get humor log00017
--
Big Steve
stem@enterprise.net
http://homepages.enterprise.net/stem
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Date: Sun, 2 Aug 1998 19:47:50 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Water, Water!
A man was crawling across the Desert dying of thirst, when a camel raced up
and stopped. An Arab jumped down opened a suitcase and said, "Would you like
to buy a tie?"
"No," said the man, "I need water, do you have water?"
"No," said the Arab, "but I do have a wonderful selection of ties."
He rode off, and the unfortunate man continued crawling across the hot sand
until he came to a beautiful Hotel. He crawled up the steps,crying "Water!
Water!"
The Manager approached him and said, "I'm sorry Sir, you can't come in here
without a Tie!!!!"
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Sun, 2 Aug 1998 18:23:57 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Exam (Pun)
The teacher left her aide in the classroom to distribute the examination
materials to the graduating class of the all-male private school. Her
final instructions were "Be sure to hand everything out very carefully
and deliberately." The aide puzzled over this for a moment but couldn't
understand it.
He began giving out the papers, but due to his inexperience found
himself only a quarter done with just a few minutes left until the exam
was due to start. Desperate, he gathered up the rest of the sheets and
began to throw them across the room, yelling "Catch!" to each student as
he did so. At first it was kind of a playful game, but soon he noticed
that even the students not involved in the sport were beginning to
breath heavier. As the panting turned into grunting, he began to be a
little nervous and backed toward the door, staring from side to side as
the behavior became more and more -- the only word he could think of - -
primitive.
As he reached the bottom of the pile of papers and pitched it to the
last student, the room erupted with howling and growling. He was certain
he could see the students physically transforming before his eyes. With
a shout of fright he turned and ran as quickly as he could to the
teachers' lounge.
The teacher took one look at him and leapt to her feet. Startled, he put
a hand to his face and, with a shock, felt a heavy growth of beard that
certainly hadn't been there that morning.
Without a word, the teacher rushed from the room, grabbing her aide's
wrist on the way by. Frantically, they sprinted back to the classroom.
As they rounded the corner, they saw that they were too late. The door
had been torn from its hinges and they glimpsed the hairy back of the
missing-link-like creature that, until mere minutes before, had been a
student with at least a veneer of civilization. They entered the
classroom side by side and stopped dead, as though choreographed. The
destruction was complete: desks smashed into fragments, blackboards
cracked, shredded sheets of the exam everywhere.
She said nothing, but the teacher's eyes were full of reproach.
"But why did it happen?" asked the bewildered assistant.
"You fool, Don't you know what happens to men ... when they get too much
test tossed around?"
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Date: Sun, 2 Aug 1998 23:10:55 EDT
From: Eric Barr <EricBarr@AOL.COM>
Subject: If cars were like computers
*Note: I am unsure whether this is true, but it is still funny.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared
the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had
kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all
be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the
gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press
release stating (by Mr Welch himself):
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have
to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason,
and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would
cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which
case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
"Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,
reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but
would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would
be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted
the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio
antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set
of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though
they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete
this option would immediately cause the car's performance to
diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target
for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to
learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls
would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
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