Digest for Monday, August 03, 1998
There are 12 messages totalling 640 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- True Story?
- Fine Dining
- What you mean & what you say
- Politically Correct Alphabet
- On idleness
- Occupations
- Just a small one (Follow-up)
- New Corporate Definitions
- Egyptian Man (Joke)
- Tips on Love (by kids)
- The Klutz (Pun)
- The Case Of The Stolen Furs
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Date: Mon, 3 Aug 1998 13:10:55 -0400
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: True Story?
API - Time Magazine reports an interesting case of high-tech
graffiti. It seems that a couple of Intel engineers working
on the design of a recent version of the Pentium microprocessor
included a message that describes their feelings about Bill Gates,
president of Microsoft, a good corporate pal of Intel's.
When a portion of the Pentium chip is examined under a powerful
scanning electron microscope, the phrase "bill sux" is clearly
visible, etched into the surface of the chip.
The "flaw" in the chip was only discovered by accident well after
the chip was released into the market, too late for Intel to
prevent the chip from being used in the manufacture of tens of
thousands of PCs.
Intel says that both engineers responsible were former employees
of Motorola, makers of the chips that are the heart of the Apple
Macintosh.
Both engineers have since been fired by Intel.
Full picture on http://www.idt.mdh.se/kpt/billsux.jpg
Chalapathi :-) "Energy equals milk chocolate square"
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Date: Mon, 3 Aug 1998 04:31:46 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Fine Dining
* Sign displayed in a Texas restaurant: "If your steak is too tuff,
please put your hat on & leave. This ain't no place for whimps."
- - - - -
* One waitress to another: "Wait until you hear what they're calling
that week-old stew today."
- - - - -
* A truck driver came in, sat down at the counter and said to the
perky lil' waitress, "Hey Baby ! Where ya been all my life ?"
"Out of it, thank the Lord." replied the girl.
- - - - -
* I guess you don't become a good waiter overnite. A young fellow,
obviously new to the job, brought my change from 4 twenties to me
on a tray. He said, "Your change is $12.83, want it ?"
- - - - -
* Once in North Carolina I ordered half of a fried chicken. When
it still wasn't brought to the table in a half hour, I asked what
the hold-up was. The waitress said, "We can't kill half a chicken,
you'll have to wait until someone orders the other half."
- - - - -
* My other Grandson, lil' Laine, is somewhat of a picky eater. I
asked at Thanksgiving dinner if he wanted any stuffing.
He replied, "No thanks Pop-Pop, and I don't see why the turkeys
eat it either."
- - - - -
* Talk about having second thoughts upon choosing a place to eat. I
went into this place in Abilene Texas and said to the waitress, "I'm
so hungry, I could eat a horse."
She smiled, handed me a menu and replied, "Well... you've come to
the right place."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
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Date: Mon, 3 Aug 1998 12:35:21 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: What you mean & what you say <some language>
WHAT YOU MEAN WHAT YOU SAY
---------------------------- -------------------------
Absolutely not Maybe
Yes Maybe
Brawl Design review
Dictator Facilitator
Oh shit Thanks for bringing that to my
attention
Unemployed Consulting
Over budget On schedule
Under budget We haven't started yet
Ignore him, he's new I'm bringing him up to spec.
Your plan sucks Let me share my feelings
F&%* off Trust me
Follow the spec Is there a spec?
I'll cover your ass Consider me your resource
Punch his lights out Constructive confrontation
That's totally incompetent Let me build on that point
He's a subordinate He's a team player
Where's the spec? What's a spec?
Local bar Offsite facility
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Date: Mon, 3 Aug 1998 10:43:09 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Politically Correct Alphabet
A is an activist itching to fight.
B is a beast with its animal rights.
C was a cripple (now differently abled).
D is a Drunk who is "liquor-enabled."
E is an Ecologist who saves spotted owls.
F was a Forrester, now staffing McDonald's.
G is a Glutton who says he's "food-centered."
H is a Hermaphrodite skirting problems of gender.
I is an "Ism" (you'd better believe it).
J is a Jingoist - love it or leave it!
K is a Kettle the pot can't call black.
L is a Lifestyle not bound to the pack.
M is a Mindset with bias galore.
N was a Negro, but not anymore.
O is an Oppressor, devoid of self-love.
P is the Patriarchy (see "O" above).
Q is a Quip that costs someone a job.
R is the Reasoning done by a mob.
S is a Sexist, that slobbering menace.
T is a Teapot that's brewing a tempest.
U is for Umbrage at the slightest transgression.
V is a Valentine, tool of oppression.
W is for "Woman," however it's spelled.
X is a chromosome we share in our cells.
Y is a Yogi for the easily led.
Z is a Zombie, the differently dead.
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Mon, 3 Aug 1998 10:57:39 -0400
From: Filip Razvan Ghitescu <raghitescu@PCNET.PCNET.RO>
Subject: On idleness
Browsing through my Microsft Bookshelf Basics program I found a few quite interesting
quotations on idleness.
As I study hard for the 3 hard exams (finals) I have to take in less than 3 weeks, I think
these lines are very supportive and refreshing. :-)
Idleness is an appendix to nobility.
Robert Burton
--------------
What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare?
W. H. Davies
-----------------
It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do. There is no
fun in doing nothing when you have nothing to do. Wasting time is merely an occupation then,
and a most exhausting one. Idleness, like kisses, to be sweet must be stolen.
Jerome K. Jerome
------------------
Far from idleness being the root of all evil, it is rather the only true good.
Sxren Kierkegaard
--------------------
A faculty for idleness implies a catholic appetite and a
strong sense of personal identity.
Robert Louis Stevenson
-------------------
It is better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all.
James Thurber
---------------
Yet it is in our idleness, in our dreams, that the submerged truth sometimes
comes to the top.
Virginia Woolf
------------
and my favorite....
If you are healthy, the idleness is a sweet taste and a natural product of the memory of
paradise.
Marin Preda
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Date: Mon, 3 Aug 1998 11:19:48 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Occupations
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces
height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and
shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet
above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically
correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "you must work in business management."
"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're
going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position
you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
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Date: Mon, 3 Aug 1998 20:17:15 GMT
From: Michael Mullen <mmullen@3-CITIES.COM>
Subject: Just a small one (Follow-up)
Mercy! It was a simple joke with a two word answer. I felt folks would =
figure out the encryption
method I used with no problems. But I've been getting a lot of:
"---Please explain - I just don't get it!" E-Mail messages.
Once more:
Q. What do you call a fly without wings?
A. .klaw A
The answer is written backwards, I had thought the period and Capital A, =
a dead give away. I was
wrong. Lets go back to the basics...
------------------------------->
Q. What do you call a fly without wings?
Scroll down for Answer.
Keep scrolling
Answer: A Walk.
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Date: Mon, 3 Aug 1998 16:22:06 -0400
From: Steve Cox <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: New Corporate Definitions
Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss.
Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits
over everything and then leaves.
Blowing your buffer - Losing your train of thought.
Salmon day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed and die in the end.
Chainsaw consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the
employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.
CLM - Career-limiting move - Used among microserfs to describe
ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within
earshot is a serious CLM.
Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the
experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've
been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time
this week."
Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning
to leave the company or department soon.
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message
"404 Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not be
located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man."
Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on
computer keyboards.
Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake.
Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.
Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a
"cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up
over the walls to see what's going on.
Telephone Number Salary - A salary (or project budget) that has seven
digits.
Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate
relationship, as in "This is Dale, my...um...friend."
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Date: Mon, 3 Aug 1998 23:31:43 +0300
From: Mohamed El-Nadi <mnadi@USA.NET>
Subject: Egyptian Man (Joke)
Two Egyptians are standing on a bridge bragging about their manliness,
when they decide to piss into the river below. After commencing, they
continue bragging:
Egyptian 1: "The water's cold."
Egyptian 2: "Yeah. Deep too."
________
Mohamed El-Nadi
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/4267/
"I once had a life... now I have the Internet..."
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Date: Mon, 27 Jul 1998 18:30:25 -0700
From: Dr. L. A. Wilson <Allen_Wilson@BC.SYMPATICO.CA>
Subject: Tips on Love (by kids)
Tips on Love (by kids, 5-10 years of age):
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??
"Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and
you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."(Judy, 8)
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife."(Tom, 5)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date."(Mike, 10)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a
big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the
wedding." (Jim, 10)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if
anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it
with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."(Kally, 9)
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them"(Lynette, 9)
It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I
don't need that kind of trouble."(Kenny, 7)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with
how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."(Jan, 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the
rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."(Harlen, 8)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."(Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want
to do it. It takes too long."(Leo, 7)
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family,
it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."(Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like
anything and I
haven't got anybody to marry me yet."(Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
(Christine, 9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid
good money for them."(Dave, 8)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Seseme Street'
is on television."(Anita,6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been
trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
(Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard
enough." (Regina, 10)
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have
tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)
SOME SURE FIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get
attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she
likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."(Bart, 9)
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF 2 ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's
in love."(John, 9)
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold.
Other people care more about the food."(Dave 8)
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They
like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are... on
fire." (Christine, 9)
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he
showers at least once a day."(Michelle, 9)
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of
you."(Doug, 7)
"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's
why I stopped doing it."(Jean, 10)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)
"Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love." (Roger, 8)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take
out the trash."(Randy, 8)
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Date: Mon, 3 Aug 1998 18:18:56 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Klutz (Pun)
Clifford Clarke was a careless chap. Every hostess hated him. They
feared for their precious porcelain and good furniture whenever this
emulator of a china shop bull appeared. His reputation spread and
eventually he became a pariah. No one would ask him to a party for fear
of damage.
Then one charitable, kindly woman felt sorry for him. "C. C. can't be
all that bad," she said. "The poor soul deserves one more chance." So
she sent an invitation to the loutish fellow and to display her faith
further, she put on her finest dress for the occasion.
Clifford arrived on the dot and for the first hour managed to avoid
disaster. It was not until refreshments were served that the customary
accident happened. He spilled his entire cup of black coffee over his
hostess' evening dress which she had bought that summer in Paris for a
lot of money.
Tearfully gazing at her ruined gown, flushed with anger, she turned on
her clumsy guest and exclaimed: ... "Go, and never darken my Dior
again!" . (By Himie Koshevoy)
Well, the lady gave the gown to her maid, who cleaned it, and was happy
to use it for a big party. She called it her ... worn again Christian.
(By Lou Stewart)
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Date: Tue, 4 Aug 1998 09:47:13 -0400
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Case Of The Stolen Furs <clean>
With Inspector Blake for company,and me as the host ;-)
Don't see the answer, guess first or else it won't be interesting...
THE CASE:
Inspector Blake was at the train station. Last night, someone broke
into a warehouse and stole a lot of women's fur jackets worth a lot
of money. Inspector Blake suspected that Shady Dick may be the one who
stole the furs. He had heard a tip saying that Shady Dick was at the
train station meeting a buyer for those furs. That was the reason why
Inspector Blake was at the train station. Then the Inspector saw
Shady Dick standing by the platform.
"Shady Dick, did you hear about the fur robbery last night? You
wouldn't have anything to do with it would you?"
"Of course not Inspector," replied Shady Dick, "I have turned
over a new leaf, I'm not that kind of person anymore!"
"Would you mind me asking," continued the Inspector, "what are you
doing here at the train station? Meeting your fur buyer?"
"No! Of course not, I'm going to catch a train to Liverpool, to
visit my mother."
"Hmm, If that is the case, do you mind emptying your pockets?"
"Look, Inspector," Shady Dick was getting upset. "My train is
leaving very soon, i can't afford to miss it. But i'll just do what
you ask really quickly."
Shady Dick emptied his pockets, and the Inspector saw he had
some money, car keys, a small pocket book diary and a dirty
handkerchief.
Shady Dick started to explain, "Look, Inspector, I'm just going
for the day, what more do you want to see?"
The train conductor blew the whistle.
"There's my train Inspector, I'm going now."
"Shady Dick," began the Inspector, "You were never good at
lying. I think you had better come down to the police station with me."
Sure enough, under questioning, Shady Dick confessed to the crime.
How did Inspector Blake know Shady Dick was lying?
ANS: IF SHADY DICK WAS GOING TO LIVERPOOL BY TRAIN, WHERE WAS HIS
TRAIN TICKET? CASE CLOSED.
Chalapathi :-) "Energy equals milk chocolate square"
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