Digest for Tuesday, August 04, 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 424 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- The Moral of the STORY (Adult)
- JimJrs Views on Life
- Texas Joke
- Relationships
- Multitasking and Chewing Gum
- FORE...!!!
- Dennis Miller Rants about Smoking
- Fast Delivery (Pun)
- The Case Of The Broken Glass
- Over Endowed (somewhat of color)
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Date: Tue, 4 Aug 1998 02:29:30 -0500
From: RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: The Moral of the STORY (Adult)
A fellow passed a house with a red light burning in front, so he stepped
inside. There was nothing in sight, and nothing there but an empty
bare hallway, with 2 doors reading "Over 35" and "Under 35".
He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35".
He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with 2 doors that
read,
"Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches".
Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found
himself
in another empty hall, with 2 more doors reading, "Once a night" and
"Over
3 times a night".
Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night"
and
found himself back out on the street.
The moral of this story is " If you Always tell the truth and you'll
never
get screwed ".
-
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
Just enjoy the Rainbow~
RAINY
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
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Date: Tue, 4 Aug 1998 03:37:49 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: JimJr's Views on Life
* Life is so very complicated I didn't even start to get a handle
on what it's all about until recently. I'm afraid now though,
I've forgotten why I wanted to know.
- - - - -
* The many different types of personalities can be reduced to two:
People who cause happiness wherever they go... Others, whenever.
- - - - -
* The reason why children are so happy is now obvious to me:
they don't have any children of their own to worry about.
- - - - -
* It seems cheerful people resist disease better than glum ones.
Or simply put, "The surly bird always catches the germ."
- - - - -
* We have more food to eat in the US than any other country.
We also have more diets to keep us from eating than anyone else.
- - - - -
* When ya think about it, a conscience is a lot like a wife:
If it can't stop you from doing something, it makes you regret it.
- - - - -
* Household financial matters can be reduced to a single sentence:
When your outgo exceeds your income, your upkeep is your downfall.
- - - - -
* The next time your mind goes blank, do all of us a favor --
turn off the sound.
- - - - -
* Women claim that they never pursue a man. Well, by the same token,
a mousetrap never pursues a mouse, but the end result is the same.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
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Date: Tue, 4 Aug 1998 07:26:01 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Texas Joke
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began
to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to
the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go
over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of
her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping,
she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she
again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down
her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked
that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her
own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's
sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."
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Date: Tue, 4 Aug 1998 11:21:44 -0400
From: Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Relationships <adult>
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my
husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire."
*******************************
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is
that you never get to prove it.
*******************************
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all.
*******************************
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about
marriage is that as both husband and father, I can
say anything I want to around the house. Of course,
no one pays the least bit of attention.
*******************************
According to the latest surveys, when making love, most
married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.
*******************************
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
*******************************
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is
packing your parachute.
*******************************
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
*******************************
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are beautiful.
*******************************
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother
and said, "I've found a man just like father!"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me,
sympathy?"
*******************************
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Date: Tue, 4 Aug 1998 12:08:22 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Multitasking and Chewing Gum
New Deal software runs in a preemptive, multithreaded multitasking
environment. But what does that mean? Here's an explanation from one of
the designers of the software.
The Walking and Chewing Gum Theory
Single-Tasking: You are walking down the street and you decide you would
like to chew gum. You stop, untie your shoes and take them off, get a
pack of gum from your pocket, take out a stick, put it in your mouth and
then chew. When you are done chewing you remove the gum from your mouth,
place it carefully back inside the wrapper, put it in your pocket, put
back on your shoes and then continue to walk.
Task-Switching: You are walking down the street and you decide you would
like to chew gum. You slip out of your loafers, grab the piece of gum
you have stashed behind your ear for just such an emergency and chew,
chew, chew. When you are done chewing, you remove the gum from your
mouth and quickly place it behind your ear (making sure, of course, that
no one sees you do something so disgusting), slip back on your loafers
and continue walking.
Cooperative Multi-tasking: You are walking down the street with gum in
your mouth. Your shoes have been specially designed to release your
brain at the end of every other step. As soon as your brain is free it
notices that you have gum in your mouth. You chew your gum twice. Your
gum then releases its grip on your brain. Your brain looks around and
realizes that you are standing in the middle of a busy street with your
mouth open. You quickly start to walk, hoping that you will reach the
sidewalk before you are hit by a car and lose your gum. Warning,
there may be bugs in your shoes or your gum. Several users have reported
uncontrollable chewing while standing on one leg.
Pre-Emptive Multi-tasking: You are walking down the street and chewing
your gum. Just like the other coordinated human beings. Little do they
know you are really an android: a flesh covered machine from the future,
stalking the streets of the city, looking for a haircut.
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Tue, 4 Aug 1998 15:26:57 -0400
From: Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: FORE...!!! <adult>
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right
in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says, "How
bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancee
is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it
heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little
4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive
work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl. They get married,
and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open
her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the
first time he saw them, believe it or not.
She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these
breasts yet."
He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in
the CRATE !"
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Date: Tue, 4 Aug 1998 19:09:08 EDT
From: Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Dennis Miller Rants about Smoking <Adult Language>
From the book "Ranting Again" by Dennis Miller:
Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but America's attitude about
smoking has become more hostile than a militia member at a tax audit.
If you walked into a restaurant and loundly demanded that they serve you
a charbroiled live puppy, you'd probably cause less of an outcry than you
would by simply sitting down and lighting up a smoke.
Hey, don't blame the cigarette makers. Tobacco companies are being sued
way too much. I admit they're evile poison-mongers who give other evil
poison-mongers a bad name. Yes, they lie about the addictive nature of
their products and get rich by doing it. But come on, tell the truth, we knew
they were lying all along. If you're saying you didn't know cigarettes were
bad for you, you're lying through that hole in your trachea. Of course it
causes lung cancer. Of course it causes emphysema. Its fucking smoke.
Would you build a campfire and every hour stand real close and take deep
breaths? How could you not know smoking is bad for you? Is having teeth
the color of caramel corn normal? Is coughing up your lungs one smoldering
loogie at a time normal?
You know, when I find myself in a room where everyone's smoking, and it gets
too intense, you know what I do? I don't start waving my hand around and fake
coughing; I don't start rattling off heart disease and lung cancer stats like
some
autistic surgeon general; I don't lecture anybody about their lifestyle
choices....
I leave the room, okay? My acceptance of smokers is one of the compromises,
one of the little negotiations that one must make if one is to live in a
modern
urban society. And hey to all you militant antismokers whom I see screaming
at strangers for lighting up: If you were that concerned about your lungs,
what
in the fuck are you doing living in L.A.?
Of course, that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.
==================================================
"Give me a woman who loves beer
and I will conquer the world."
--Kaiser Welhelm
==================================================
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Date: Tue, 4 Aug 1998 18:07:17 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Fast Delivery (Pun)
I had a publisher phone this morning saying he wanted a photograph of me
for inclusion with my latest article. Trouble was his deadline. I tried
sending it by Federal Express, because I didn't trust an electronic
transmission to have good quality. But I got delayed and missed the
Federal Express truck. I guess I'll just ... have to face fax.
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Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 09:51:46 -0400
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Case Of The Broken Glass <clean>
With Inspector Blake for company and me as host ;-)
Don't see the answer, guess first or else it won't be interesting...
THE CASE:
Inspector Blake arrived at Mrs Harding's house.
"Mrs, Harding?" started the Inspector. "You reported your
husband was murdered?"
"Yes Inspector, I'll show you, this way." Mrs Harding led the
Inspector to the study. The Inspector saw a man at the desk. He was
slumped over the desk. The desk faced the window that looked out at
the garden. There was a glass door next to the desk that led outside.
The glass was broken. It looked like someone from the outside had
tried to force their way into the study, and succeeded.
The Inspector noticed that from the desk, you could see the main road
and as well as anyone who walked towards the study through the garden.
"Did you touch anything?" asked the Inspector.
"No, when i came home, i found him like this, i called the police
right away, i didn't even dare to check if he was still alive."
The Inspector pulled the dead man's body backwards. The man was
definitely dead. Shot. There was a tape recorder on the man's lap.
Inspector Blake pressed the "PLAY" button. He could hear a soft voice
talking, almost whispering.
"My name is Henry Harding, and i want to tell people my story.
20 years ago, Bad Bob and me committed a bank robbery. Bad Bob got
caught but escaped with the money. I heard that he was released from
prison today. I just know that Bad Bob will come and kill me for the
money. In fact I am so scared that... Oh no, i see a blue car park
in front of the garden. A man is getting out, it's him, it's Bad Bob!
He's walking towards me through the garden. He mustn't know i've
recorded this message. He's breaking the glass door with his gun!
He.."
Suddenly the tape ended. Inspector looked at Mrs Harding for a
moment.
"Mrs Harding, when a person whispers into a tape recorder ,it is
hard to tell if the person is a man or a woman."
"What are you trying to imply, Inspector?" demanded Mrs Harding.
"Mrs Harding, It is true that Bad Bob was released from prison
today.It is also true that he was driving a blue car when we last saw
him. In fact his release was broadcast over the TV. Still, I think you
have to come down to the police station with me and answer some more
questions."
True enough, after some thorough questioning, Mrs Harding
confessed to killing her husband.
How did Inspector Blake know that Mrs Harding was lying?
ANS: ACCORDING TO THE TAPE RECORDING, BAD BOB WAS ALMOST ABOUT TO
SHOOT MR HARDING WHEN THE TAPE ABRUPTLY ENDED.IF THAT IS SO, AND MRS
HARDING SAID SHE DIDN'T TOUCH ANYTHING, WHEN DID THE DEAD MR HARDING
HAVE THE TIME TO REWIND TAPE? REMEMBER, THE INSPECTOR BLAKE PRESSED
"PLAY" AND IT STARTED PLAYING STRAIGHT.
CASE CLOSED.
Chalapathi :-) "Energy equals milk chocolate square"
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Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 01:19:14 +0000
From: Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Over Endowed (somewhat of color)
There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well-
endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force
doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room to
remedy the situation. The first doctor said, "We'll just take a
big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that
would affect his sensitivity.
The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the
middle of it." They discussed this, and decided it would change
the texture and feel of it.
The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of
it." They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him
erection problems.
The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who
had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried, "Can't we
just make his legs longer?"
~~~~~~
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