Digest for Wednesday, August 05, 1998
There are 14 messages totalling 495 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Dear Mom and Dad,
- Toughest Hooker In The Yukon (adult)
- Trip to Europe
- humor: That famous blue dress
- Finding the right girl
- Its A Wacky World - #52 (Nudity)
- Top5 - 8/5/98 - 21st Century Religions (fwd)
- The REAL Microsoft power toys
- Misunderstanding (sick, adult language, offensive to gays)
- Wishes..
- 2 Racehorses
- The Lock Keeper (Pun)
- Oregon
- Applications
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Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 03:35:32 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Dear Mom and Dad,
Kids at camp write home not thinking of the impact of their words:
* For example, one tyke wrote: "My counselor said he doesn't think
the flood waters will come up this high."
- - - - -
* Another child away from home wrote that they had been taking some
rather long hikes. He requested his other sneaker be sent to him.
- - - - -
* A rather short note not saying much was received by two parents:
"Dear Mom & Dad, They're making us write home. Love, Thomas"
- - - - -
* A fishing novice reported that he had caught a catfish over a foot
long and hid it in his bunk, but it was beginning to smell.
- - - - -
* "Dear Mommie, The Doctor said the rash should go away by the time
camp is over."
- - - - -
* "Having a wonder time. We swim, camp, hike and play games. After
lights out we cry ourselves to sleep every night."
- - - - -
* "Dear Mom & Dad, Everything's fine except a lot of the girls here
have dire rear."
- - - - -
* "Dear Mom, This place is neat. I've seen some of the biggest snakes
ever ! How many can I bring home ?"
- - - - -
* "Dear Mom, I'm hungry all the time. Please send me more food. All
they serve here is meals."
- - - - -
* "Dear Mom, Computer Camp's lots of fun. My counselor showed me how
to see what the Army's doing. Tomorrow we get to read CIA stuff."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 07:07:52 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Toughest Hooker In The Yukon (adult)
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from
the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin'
for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to
the bartender. "We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in
the second room on the right.
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and
two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door
open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the
meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon." The woman inside the
room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped
naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want that
position first?" asked the miner. "I don't replied the hooker, "but I
thought you might want to open those beers first."
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Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 09:33:47 EDT
From: Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Trip to Europe <adult>
A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was
about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw
her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for.
I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on
my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll
keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy". The girl nodded yes.
After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece
of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by
the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I
get food and trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry"
===================================
"Life is about change. More than that, life
is like riding the bus, it requires change."
Dennis Miller
===================================
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Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 10:06:32 -0500
From: Rowe, Thomas <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: humor: That famous blue dress <off to Monica>
You know, it just dawned on me the FBI is going to have a heck of a time
with Monica Lewinski's stained dress. It was Navy blue - there's probably
been lots of sea men all over it.
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Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 09:03:14 -0700
From: Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: Finding the right girl
Manny is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married,
and Manny just dates and dates.
Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the
perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who
suits you?"
"No," Manny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring
them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on
looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just
like your dear ole Mother?"
Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together.
"So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your
Mother?"
Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother
loved her, they became fast friends."
So do I owe you a Mazel Tov? "Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"
"I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!"
Rodney And Cathy's Joke List
Visit our web site at: http://www.rcjokelist.com
To subscribe send a message to: rcjokelist-on@mail-list.com
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Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 11:19:58 -0500
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World - #52 (Nudity)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~=
~~~~
* Endowed with certain unalienable rights . . . *
By Anne E. Kornblut, Globe Staff, 08/05/98
Katherine Tyrol just wanted to tell the naked truth. And so, after
slipping into the women's bathroom at the L. L. Bean headquarters in Maine,
she cast aside her tank top and capri pants and sprinted through the
showroom nude - except for the backpack slung across her back.
''I was just kind of sick of the establishment and all that stuff,'' said
Tyrol, 18. ''I think it's really oppressive that the government decides
what part of me has to be covered.''
The fast dash through the 24-hour store in Freeport took place at about
12:30 a.m. last Wednesday, a company spokeswoman said. The arrest followed
a few minutes later. She was charged with indecent exposure and ordered to
return to court Sept. 2.
Officials dismissed the incident as a consequence of operating
round-the-clock outlet.
''Some customers did happen to be in a position to catch an eyeful,'' said
spokeswoman Catharine Hartnett. ''She never told us what cause she was
supporting.''
Tyrol, who graduated from Morse High School in Bath in the spring,
admitted that boredom played a role. She and three friends were in the
store only because ''nothing in Maine is open 24 hours.''
But it was partly philosophical, too. Tyrol, a waitress in Brunswick,
said nudity appealed to her urges to fight the ''really Puritan'' elements
of her hometown of Bath. And she vowed not to be deterred by the resistance
she met last week.
''I would like to be naked all the time,'' she said. ''But not at work.
Because then I'd spill things on me, naked, instead of on my clothes.''
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~=
~~~
=A9 Copyright 1998 Globe Newspaper Company.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~=
~~~
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Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 13:10:38 -0400
From: John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 8/5/98 - 21st Century Religions (fwd)
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]
August 5, 1998
The Top 13 New Religions for the 21st Century
13> The Cult of Saint Pamela, "Our Lady of the Anatomical
Enhancements"
12> X-TREME RELIGION!!!
11> The Holy Lillith Church of the Minor-Keyed Female Vocalist
10> Joe-piscopal
9> Star Trek - The Next Denomination
8> Leonardo DiCatholic
7> Branch Hansonians
6> Church of the Everlasting Independent Counsel
5> Microsoft Second Coming 99 beta 4
4> Two words: Jesus Spice
3> Harry Caray-Ishna
2> Crystal Methodist
and Top5's Number 1 New Religion for the 21st Century...
1> Hey Judaism
================================================================
Ruminations & Ponderances
You know how if you chop off a
lizard's tail, it'll grow back?
I wanna be the guy who finds
out about stuff like that.
(Thanks to Craig Stacey)
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Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 13:34:31 -0400
From: rlb <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: The REAL Microsoft power toys
The following is from the Letters column of the 25 July 1998 issue of The
Economist and is one of the best of the many replies to an article by Bill
Gates that appeared in the same newspaper two weeks earlier.
---
The Economist
Letters
25 July 1998
SIR--Mr Gates's arguments may also be applied to the electricity
utility business. If I were the head of Gas & Electric, the first
thing I would do is declare that we sell energy systems, not power,
and that customers tell us that they want a familiar energy
environment wherever they go. The first step would be to integrate
a smart fridge into the overall energy system as it is the first
appliance opened by most users and real-time monitoring of beer
temperature increases satisfaction with the energy environment for
78% of all customers.
Customers would be free to use other fridges, even making someone
else's their default appliance. However, if they try to remove the
Gas & Electric fridge their television and air conditioner might
not function properly. When a circuit fails in an older home we
would repair it with a "service pack" that also installs our fridge,
eventually introducing all customers to our energy environment.
We would also encourage homebuilders to "bundle" our innovative
Laundry Suite into all new home sales. If builders made exaggerated
claims that they could not refuse our Laundry Suite because they
might lose their power connection, I would be required to enforce
our industry standard non-disclosure agreement.
For the first six months we would also give away the innovative Gas
& Electric Power Mailbox as part of the Laundry Suite. It not only
receives letters but also records all return addresses, birthdays
and visiting habits of in-laws, scheduling thank-you notes and
utility payments. Of course, the current version of Power Mailbox
takes up half the pavement and all of the attic, disables the fax,
takes 12 minutes to disgorge letters and occasionally freezes
everything in the fridge; forcing one to turn off all the lights,
throw away the frozen fruit and restart dinner. However, attic space
will become much less expensive in the 21st century, we will soon
introduce a new fruit-recovery utility and version 3.0 will open the
mailbox in under two minutes.
Once installed, homeowners are not authorized to remove it. Yet, as
it is free we will have saved our customers money compared with
manual mailboxes, making it all but impossible for the authorities
to complain.
(Thanks to James Quinn, the letter's author)
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Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 18:06:20 -0400
From: Filip Razvan Ghitescu <raghitescu@PCNET.PCNET.RO>
Subject: Misunderstanding (sick, adult language, offensive to gays)
1.
Two faggots were looking at a dog that was sucking its own dick.
- Gee man, I wish I could do that!
- Don't you think you should domesticate it first?
2.
A trafficant gets emprisoned. As he enters his cell, the HUGE brawny gay cell-mate welcomes
him:
- Now sweety, we two are going to have sex. Watcha wanna be: mommy or daddy?
The trafficant turns white, starts trembling and says half dead:
- I guess I'll be daddy...
- OK. Now suck your mommy's dick!
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Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 17:16:40 -0500
From: RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: Wishes..
The richest man in the world knew he was going to die and he wanted to
set
up his three children in business. He asked his oldest son what he
wanted to
do. The boy said he liked cars, so dad bought him General Motors. Then
the
dad asked his daughter what she wanted to do. She said she liked
talking on
the phone, so dad bought her AT&T. Now the youngest was only six years
old,
but dad knew he would understand.
The boy said he wanted a Mickey mouse outfit, so dad bought him the
Dallas
Cowboys....
--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
Just enjoy the Rainbow~
RAINY
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Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 18:39:36 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: 2 Racehorses
Two racehorses were sitting in a bar one day reminiscing over their
past triumphs. Both had been very successful but had recently lost form.
"I was OK until three weeks ago", said the white horse, "I was ahead
of the field in the last race at Kempton Park, leading by six lengths as
we came into the final straight, and then I got this incredible searing
pain all the way down my back and I stumbled and fell. Ever since then
I havn't been able to run at all."
"It's funny you should say that", said the black horse, "because I
was running in the last race at Haydock Park two weeks ago, and the same
thing happened to me. I was ahead of the field by five lengths, and as
we rounded the final bend I suddenly felt this intense stabbing pain all
the way down my back, and I stumbled and fell. I havn't been able to run
since then either".
"Excuse me", said a greyhound who was sitting at the bar beside the
white horse. "I couldn't help but overhear what you have been talking
about. I was running in the last race at Deptford last week, leading by
four lengths, and as we came into the final straight I got an intense
pain down my back and I stumbled and fell. I have hardly been able to
walk since then."
"Cor! Blimey!", said the white horse, "It's absolutley incredible.
Who would have believed it? A *talking* dog!"
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 15:50:44 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Lock Keeper (Pun)
What a terrible job had Herbert. His place of business was Lock No, 3 on
the Saint Lawrence Seaway and his only responsibility was to keep its
walls and gates free of scum and all sorts of other smelly things.
Working with a long brush from the top, he would lean out over the water
in the lock at perilous angles in the pursuit of coagulation.
Herb took so many risks that many a yachtsman passing up the lock would
shout up to him to take more care. The warnings only made him furious,
and his well-wishers would be startled by the torrent of invective
coming down to them from above which their words provoked.
Finally the head lock keeper had to post a sign of warning which read:
... Hell hath no Fury Like a Scum Man Warned. (By Himie Koshevoy)
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Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 18:55:11 -0700
From: Keith E. Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Oregon
INSTRUCTIONS
While waiting for a prescription, I overheard the pharmacist give
instructions to a man at the counter. "Take one capsule twice a day
with plenty of water," she said. "This medication can make your skin
sensitive, so try to avoid exposure to the sun."
He gave her a quizzical look and said, "You're new here in Oregon aren't
you?"
Harry J. Kantas
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Date: Thu, 6 Aug 1998 09:38:08 -0400
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Applications <clean>
1.A candidate sent an application to a firm as under:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling
for a 'typist and an accountant - Male or Female'...
As I am both for the past several years and I can
handle both , I am applying for the post."
2.An employee applied for leave as follows:
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land
along with my wife. please sanction me one week leave"...
3.Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I have to go to the cremation ground and I
may not return , plaese grant me half day casual leave."
Chalapathi :-) "Energy equals milk chocolate square"
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