Digest for Tuesday, September 01, 1998
There are 16 messages totalling 534 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- School Daze
- Sexual inuendo
- "Heavens Clocks"
- Assorted Smiles
- Humor: Off the Wall
- Good Health
- The CaT tesT
- Quotes - Womens points of view
- Gittin Hitched...
- Coming out
- Humor - Goldie Oldie
- Christmas party (adult)
- Playground Rules
- Voice Recognition
- AOL Price Raises
- NIPPLE FACTORY
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Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 03:23:33 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: School Daze
* I remember once in elementary school, I was home sick for over
a week. My teacher sent my Mother a "Thank-you" note.
- - - - -
* A boy was reprimanded for not writing a book report on a Dickens
novel. He said, "I couldn't help it. We couldn't get the video."
- - - - -
* The teacher was surprised to get a note from a Mother the very
first day of school, since her child was present. All it said
was: "Please excuse Paul for being. It was his Father's fault."
- - - - -
* Lil' Bradley came home complaining after his first day of school.
"I'm not going back tomorrow. I can't read yet. I can't write
yet either, and the teacher won't let me talk."
- - - - -
* During the afternoon session, a new and very tired kindergarten
teacher was leading a class of five-year-olds in some strenuous
exercises. As she tapped out the rhythm she chanted: "Come on,
wear yourselves out ! Come on, wear yourselves out !"
- - - - -
* A teacher asked her class to make a list of who they thought were
the greatest Americans. One little boy seemed to be having a lot
of trouble. She asked if he needed help, and he replied, "No, I
just can't decide who should be playing third base."
- - - - -
* The teacher was instructing her students on how she expected
them to behave. "If you have to go to the bathroom, please raise
two fingers." She demonstrated holding her arm straight up.
From the back of the room came a tiny voice: "I don't see how
that's going to help anything."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
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Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 06:25:24 -0400
From: Grady Lacy <glacy@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Sexual inuendo
From a French language joke list (What follows is my translation
of the joke that was originally posted in French):
+------------------------------------------------------------------------+
A Belgian couple was making love in their car parked along the
side of the road.
A policeman knocks on the window; the man opens it, and the
policeman says:
"Bonjour, monsieur. What are you doing here?"
"I'm making love."
"That's illegal here... That will be a 200 (Belgian) franc fine."
At this point, his ladyfriend appears:
"What's going on, cheri?"
"Oh! Since there are two of you, the fine will be 400 francs!"
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Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 06:41:06 -0400
From: Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: "Heaven's Clocks"
"Heaven's Clocks"
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so,
upon the guy's passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very
busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the
offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading
room
and library, the observation room, the cafeteria, and finally, they
come to a huge room full of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how
much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the
person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks
are going faster than others.
He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it
speeds his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the
room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling.
On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he
asks, "What is the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock.
We decided to use it as a ceiling fan."
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Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 07:55:32 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Assorted Smiles
These two blondes walk into a building.
You'd think one of them would have seen it.
*************************************************
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have
their shoes.
************************************************
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear
bright until they talk.
************************************************
A guy walks into a Greeting Card Shop, and asks, "Can you tell me where
you keep those blank cards? I need one for somebody I'm not talking to."
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Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 10:35:40 EST
From: JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor: Off the Wall
oldy but goody.....
Time-Travel Blues
You've heard of every kind of blues there is, I hear you say?
Well, I'm, leavin' here tomorrow...and I just got back back today. I
got the time-travel blues, look at the mess I'm in. I'm sad for what
the past will be...and what the future hasn't been.
I longed to know the future, like the Oracle of Delphi
An then this cat knocked on my door: Goddam, it was myself! I
got the time-travel blues, since I met myself comin' in;
I'd tell you all about it...but where the hell do I begin?
He said that I was going to invent a time machine--
That is to say, I told me, if you follow what I mean.
I said, "I'm no inventor, man: I'll never ever get it."
But he said, "Copy this one, and we both can share the credit!"
I cranked it up, it blew right up, and then and there I died.
I wonder who that joker was, and why the bastard lied...
Got the time-travel blues: one of my life's most awful shocks
Now I could use a doctor: in fact, I need a paradox
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Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 11:16:11 EDT
From: Neil Rigby <NRigbyking@AOL.COM>
Subject: Good Health
The horse and the mule live thirty years
And nothing know of wines and beers.
The goats and sheep at twenty die
With never a taste of scotch or rye.
The cow drinks water by the ton
And at eighteen is mostly done.
The dog at sixteen cashes in
Without the aid of rum or gin.
The cat in milk and water soaks
And then in twelve short years it croaks.
The sober, modest, bone-dry hen
Lays eggs for nogs, then dies at ten.
The animals are strictly dry
They sinless live and swiftly die.
While sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men
Survive for three score years and ten.
And some of us, though mighty few
Stay pickled till we're ninety-two.
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Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 11:44:04 -0500
From: RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: The CaT tesT
Lexus engineers have a way of testing to see if their cars are
air-tight.
They would put a cat in the car and close it up. They would check the
car
again in 24 hours. If the cat was dead, it passed the test.
Chrysler heard about this and decided to try it. They put a cat in one
of
their cars and closed it up. When they checked it again in 24 hours, the
cat was gone....
--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
Just enjoy the Rainbow~
RAINY
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
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Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 18:47:51 +0100
From: Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Quotes - Women's points of view
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not
dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -- Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a
smart woman with a dumb guy. -- Erica Jong
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends
told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything
that feels GOOD for 36 hours. -- Rita Rudner
I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my
job. -- Roseanne
This guy says, " I'm perfect for you, cause I'm a cross between a macho
and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?" -- Judy Tenuta
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling
the walk before it stops snowing. -- Phyllis Diller
He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant.
-- Carol Leifer
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
-- Wendy Liebman
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
-- Erma Bombeck
If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.
-- Sue Grafton
I'm not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.
-- Roseanne
I think-therefore I'm single. -- Lizz Winstead
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country. --Elayne Boosler
I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. -- Gilda Radner
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -- Maryon Pearson
Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an
assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly
promoted as a male schlemiel. -- Bella Abzug
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a
career. -- Gloria Steinhem
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps
they should live next door and just visit now and then.
-- Katherine Hepburn
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home
which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls
every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes
home late at night. -- Marie Corelli
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your
neck? -- Linda Ellerbee
Trust me, I'm a doctor.
Catweasel <catweasel@catweasel.org>
http://www.catweasel.org
Men get laid, women get screwed. - Quentin Crisp
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Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 13:59:59 -0400
From: Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Gittin' Hitched... <adult>
The redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son
was masturbating several times a day out in the barn.
"Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and git yo'self a wife."
So the boy went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to
whom he got married. But a week or so after the wedding, the
farmer found his son choking the chicken again.
"You crazy boy!!" he yelled, "That Elli-Mae's a fine young gal!!"
"I know Paw," the boy replied, "but her arm gits tired sometimes!"
****************************************
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
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Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 13:47:49 -0500
From: Michael Cornelius <michael@DSNDATA.COM>
Subject: Coming out <adult>
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from
his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the
kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big
sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you...I'm gay." His
mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to
repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the
pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean
you put other men's penises in your mouth?" The guy said nervously,
"Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the
pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her
spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!"
(Submitted by Bruce Hartford to a different list.)
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Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 15:28:27 -0500
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Goldie Oldie
Copied from Houston Chronicle columnist Leon Hale:
Sue Gregory has sent me a little nonsensical ditty some of the customers
may remember:
" 'Twas midnight on the ocean/Not a streetcar was in sight./The sun was
shining brightly/And it rained all day that night./While the organ pealed
potatoes,/Lard was rendered by the choir./As the sexton rang the
dishrag/Someone set the church on fire./ `Holy smokes!' the preacher
shouted/When the flames danced in his hair./Now his head resembles
heaven/For there is no parting there."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 16:02:47 +0300
From: Leo Heler <leopold@ACID.MATCO.RO>
Subject: Christmas party (adult)
After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a
pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events
of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make
his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise, " he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I
think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a
complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of
directors, and insulted the president of the company to his face."
"He's an asshole - piss on him."
"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well fuck him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
--
Leo Heler
Four
lines
is not
enough
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Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 18:23:45 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Playground Rules
A few (okay, okay, more than a few) years ago, I took my two daughters,
then ages seven and five, to the playground at our local park. My seven
year old was very proud as she was able to read the sign with all the rules
to her sister. "Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion." "Go
down the slide while sitting only." "Only one child on a swing at a time."
There were about twenty rules and the girls promised to obey them all, if I
would trust them and let them play without Daddy standing by. They said that
they were too old to be watched and their friends would tease them, calling
them babies if Dad stayed. I made them promise to be good and obey the
rules,
and went over to the picnic area and began preparing our lunch.
When it was time to get the children, I decided to watch them at a distance
for a while to see how reliable they were in following my instructions. I
found that they obeyed most of the printed instructions. That is, all but
one.
They would get on the tall semicircular slide and go down head first or
backward. Angrily, I picked up the children and took them over to the posted
regulations and made my seven year old read it aloud, again. Then I asked
the girls what they had to say for themselves. My five year old answered
immediately, "Don't be silly, Dad. No one uses a slide rule anymore."
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 09:45:44 -0400
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Voice Recognition <clean>
You probably heard of those smart computers that will operate at your
command (voice).
Check this out...Found on the sun-managers list:
From the Journal American:
At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was
demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software.A representative
from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and
asked everyone in the room to be quiet.Just then someone in the back
of the room yelled,"Format C: Return."
Unfortunately, the software worked.
Chalapathi :-) "Energy equals milk chocolate square"
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Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 23:13:57 -0500
From: Humor <webmaster@BESTOFHUMOR.COM>
Subject: AOL Price Raises
TOP TEN REASONS AOL RAISED ITS RATES
Sure, AOL is a money machine. But even the online giant needs
an extra boost to the bottom line once in a while. Here's why:
10. Pay off the settlement to Tim McVeigh
9. Severance for CompuServe employees
8. Need to raise money to buy Netscape
7. Steve Case is jealous of Larry Ellison's fighter jet
6. Have to pay the fee to the guys who creamed Bill Gates in Belgium
5. AOL programmers are all requesting "interns"
4. Need money to pay James Earl Jones to record a new version of "You've
got mail"
3. Hiring bouncers for the chat rooms
2. El Nino
1. Because they can
-------------------------------------
Best: Of Humor
'This is a laughing matter'
http://www.bestofhumor.com
webmaster@bestofhumor.com
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Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 09:00:28 +0400
From: rufus <rufus@GOLDENSUN.COM>
Subject: NIPPLE FACTORY
A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex
products.
At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle
nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise.
"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mould," explains the
guide.
"The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are
manufactured. The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!'
"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what
the'hiss,
hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the
guide.
"It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
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