Digest for Wednesday, September 02, 1998
There are 15 messages totalling 606 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- knowledge
- Army Life
- The Net does not make you gay
- More Clinton Jokes
- I Got Lucky!
- BloNde nEar dEath
- A Poem by Shel Silverstein
- Humor - Weird Business News #7 (1 of 3)
- A little war humour
- Her Occupation
- It Was An Accident!
- Short bursts of humor mostly about current events
- Cross Talk
- Forms of (Dis)Belief
- Q & A
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Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 09:27:33 +0300
From: Leo Heler <leopold@ACID.MATCO.RO>
Subject: knowledge
A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little
sister pulled his hair.
"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't
realize that pulling hair hurts."
A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to
investigate.
This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...
"Now she knows."
(thanx to ADAB)
--
Leo Heler
Four
lines
is not
enough
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Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 04:31:30 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Army Life
* A solider, leaving an Army Base, was overheard telling a friend,
"This has gotta be love at first sight. It's only an 8 hour pass."
- - - - -
* The Sergeant was explaining some important points to a squad of
recruits on the rifle range. "This type of bullet will penetrate
2' of solid wood," he said, "so remember to keep your heads down."
- - - - -
* An applicant for a job listed his last occupation as "US Army." He
gave his title as "Sergeant" and duties as "Operation Desert Storm."
Under "reason for leaving" he printed, "Won the war."
- - - - -
* As the regiment moved out, the crowd cheered. One soldier asked
another, "Who are all those cheering people ?"
The veteran answered, "They're the ones who aren't going."
- - - - -
* The instructor wanted to impress upon the soldiers how horrific any
combat could become using nuclear weapons. He told the class, "The
next war will be over in a matter of hours." One recruit whispered
to a buddy, "Good. We'll get the rest of the day off then."
- - - - -
* A personnel clerk at Fort Meade received a document, initialed it and
passed it on to the Duty Officer. It promptly came back with a note
attached: "This document didn't concern you. Erase your initials and
initial the erasure."
- - - - -
* In spite of regulations, the enlisted man fell in love with an Army
Nurse with the rank of Captain. One morning, following a lover's
quarrel, they passed each other without a sign of recognition.
A Lieutenant witnessed the scene and stopped the non-com. "That woman
is an officer and you didn't even salute her."
"Salute hell." the solider whined. "We're not even speaking !"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 12:24:53 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The 'Net does not make you gay <clean-ish>
This was from CNN text news:
REPORT: INTERNET CAN MAKE YOU LONELY, DEPRESSED
Internet users who spend even a few hours a week online at home
experience higher levels of depression and loneliness than if they
had used the computer network less frequently, The New York
Times reported.
Mandatory stupid jokes follow: Reasons why the 'Net makes me
depressed:
* 0.00001% response rate to my multi-level marketing spam.
* So difficult to convey the effects of my plastic surgery via ASCII.
* My inability to spell is now well-known to 2 billion people around
the world.
* Lost a bundle at some Internet casino based in Moldavia.
* People in my favourite mailing list believe that I am a bot and send
me messages in binary form only.
* My dog got hold of my password and now my mailbox is clogged
with posts from lists called "Machocanines" and "Allcatsarewimps".
* Cherry Bonbon, one of the darlings of my favourite newsgroup,
has turned out to be a female impersonator.
* I discovered that my ISP modem is two tin cans connected by a
piece of string.
* My latest post, "The use of interest rates in currency support,
whilst maintaining a sustainable growth", to an Economy list has
been acknowledged by the listowner with: "HAHAHAHAHA!!".
* My latest joke to HUMOR resulted in 1743 e-mails telling me that it
was the most moving, touching, heart-breaking story they had ever
read.
* The members of an online support group "There is always hope
4U", think I am hopeless.
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Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 07:42:20 -0400
From: Jimmy Farrar <jfarrar@UZUNCASE.COM>
Subject: More Clinton Jokes <political>
This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
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Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to
honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Draft will begin production
in Canada this year.
When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs,
he replied, "I don't know. I never had one."
If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river
and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer
prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?
Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon
a time...?" Bill Clinton replied, "No. Some begin with 'After
I'm elected...'"
Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and
be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.
The American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking
Eagle" because he is so full of sh.. that he can't fly.
Isn't putting Bill Clinton in charge of a trust fund as insane
as putting in a draft-dodger as Commander in Chief?
Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's
finest leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom.
Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, "Youth in
Asia are just like kids everywhere else."
Clinton is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe
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Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 09:08:51 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: I Got Lucky!
One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's
wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that
necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath
ready while I start supper."
The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond
bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?" She
replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I
start supper."
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a
mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She
replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I
start supper."
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is
only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY!
There's only an inch of water in the tub!" He replies, "I didn't want you
to get your raffle ticket wet!"
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Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 09:02:44 -0500
From: RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: BloNde nEar dEath
A blonde had a near death experience that has changed her forever.
The other day, she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine
until
the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her
might to hang on, but was thrown off.
Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in
the
stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground.
Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even
slow
down.
Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart
manager came out and unplugged it.
--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
Just enjoy the Rainbow~
RAINY
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Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 10:22:00 -0500
From: Michael Cornelius <michael@DSNDATA.COM>
Subject: A Poem by Shel Silverstein
If you have to do the dishes
such an awful, boring chore--
If you have to do the dishes
instead of going to the store--
If you have to do the dishes
and you drop one on the floor,
maybe they won't let you do the dishes anymore!
------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 11:01:48 -0500
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #7 (1 of 3)
Copied from Houston Chronicle collumnist Jim Barlow:
NEW MONTH. Old subject. Weird Business News.
It's time to explore the strange items that have landed -- often with a
thud -- on your faithful correspondent's desk in the past month.
Let's start off with our Deal of the Century award to the Home Shopping
Network, which on Dec. 31, 1999, will auction off "the 144 actual bulbs
that adorn the famous New Year's Eve Ball high atop One Times Square."
Batteries not included.
Wonderbra, the company that knows how to put up a good front, unveiled its
latest Rivera line of lingerie last month in the most exciting manner
possible. No. Not that. They hired a 137-foot luxury yacht to dock in Los
Angeles stocked with models wearing "demi-bras and panties," according to
the news release. Well, I guess you just had to be there.
Great Business Names:
* Want Want Holdings Ltd. of Singapore, which makes rice crackers.
* Fatigue Technology of Seattle, which specializes in products for the
aerospace industry, especially Boeing.
* Starbase-1 Coffee Company Ltd. of Las Vegas, which trades on the
Over-the-Counter Market under the symbol "Trek."
Reflecting the broader range of duties of its members, the Professional
Secretaries International is now the International Association of
Administrative Professionals. I don't know about where you work, but around
here we stand at attention when the administrative professionals speak.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To be continued.
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Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 17:32:03 +0100
From: Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: A little war humour <adult> <tasteless>
(Thanks to Little Dave, one of the sickest bastards it has ever been my
pleasure to know)
Two men are pinned down in a foxhole when one feels the call of nature.
"Cover me, I gotta take a shit," he says to his buddy, and then
carefully makes his way to some nearby trees.
After 20 minutes with no sign of his friend the remaining soldier starts
to worry. An hour later he is getting frantic. After 3 hours alone he
has accepted that he will probably never again see a friendly face, for
his chances of survival alone are approaching zero.
Suddenly the now despondent soldier hears a familiar whistle, and gives
covering fire while his friend picks his way back to the trench. What
the hell have you been doing all this time?" he asks.
"Oh, man," says our wayward hero. "I found this woman over there, she
was so beautiful. I've had the most incredible sex you can imagine. I
must have fucked her every way possible."
His friend proceeds to clamour for details, asking "Did you fuck her in
the ass?"
"Oh yeah," reports our hero. "It was incredible. I've never seen a
more inviting ass."
"And did you stick it between her tits?"
"Such beautiful tits," comes the reply. "So round and soft. I thought
I'd died and gone to heaven."
"So, uh, does she give good blowjobs?"
Our hero looks a bit saddened at this point and says "I don't know. I
never found her head."
Trust me, I'm a doctor.
Catweasel <catweasel@catweasel.org>
http://www.catweasel.org
If at first you don't succeed, try second or shortstop.
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Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 13:37:40 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Her Occupation <adult>
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs
to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few
questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and
then asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That
is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that's still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman excitedly states, "I'm a
chicken farmer!"
The accountant is puzzled, "What does chicken farming have to do with
being a whore or a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 13:24:44 -0400
From: Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: It Was An Accident!
A Vermont state trooper was the first to arrive at the scene
of a two car accident. As he pulled over, he saw two cars
in ditches on either side of an interstate highway, and a
decapitated head in the middle of the road.
Climbing out of his car, he stepped over to the first car and
pulled out a notepad . . .
. . . car in d-e-t-c-h . . . "nope, that's not it" . . . car in d-e-c-t-h .
. .
"nope, that's not it either" . . . car in d-e-i-t-c . . . "durn, that
ain't
it either" . . . car in d-i-t-c-h . . . "yeah, thats it!"
The cop then stepped across the road to the other car, and
wrote down the same info as the first. Then he walked over
to the decapitated head lying in the middle of the interstate.
Head in e-n-t-i-r-s-t-i-t . . . "nope, that ain't it" . . . Head in i-n-d .
. .
The cop then looks around and quickly kicks the head into the
ditch . . . d-i-t-c-h . . . "Yeah, that sounds good...!"
******************************
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it.
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Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 16:07:33 EST
From: Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Short bursts of humor mostly about current events
Taken from recent issues of the Atlanta Journal-Constitutions, the
vent column.
My boss believes in having a $1,000 meeting to solve a $100 problem.
You know you've reached old age when you start liking New Age music.
Is the Clinton legal defense fund giving refunds?
We spent $100 million to attack one factory and some tents. Sort of
makes Ken Starr look like a cheapskate.
Witnessed: Lady driving 80 mph on the interstate, cutting bangs with
scissors.
Why is it that when you're in trouble, you're in the doghouse and
when you've got it made, you're in the catbird seat?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. My desk is a work station.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole more
as they get older. Then it dawned on me: They're cramming for their
finals.
The very same people who believed Ronald Reagan and George Bush when
they lied about Iran-Contra are calling for Clinton's impeachment
over an inappropriate relationship with a White House Intern!
I expected Jesse to also say, "You should have had remorse before the
intercourse, you should have said good bye before the tie, and you
should not have made a mess on the dress, you wouldn't be in the
press!"
Why do they put the slowest check out clerks in the express lanes at
grocery stores?
Only in America do people order double cheese burgers, large fires
and a Diet coke.
Only in America do we use the word "politics" to describe the process
so well. "Poli" in Latin means "many" and "tics" mean "blood-sucking
creatures."
Pro Wrestling isn't fake, it's "legally accurate."
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Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 16:09:57 EDT
From: Neil Rigby <NRigbyking@AOL.COM>
Subject: Cross Talk
A liberal preacher was invited by a liberal school principal to talk to her
older girls about Christianity and Sex. Not wishing to upset his less tolerant
wife, the preacher entered the engagement in the diary as "Talk to girls about
sailing."
A day or so after his talk, the principal met the preacher's wife. "So very
good of your husband to talk to my girls the other evening. He was quite
splendid and so helpful."
"I can't imagine what he knows about it," replied the preacher's wife, "he's
only done it twice and the first time he was sick and on the second occasion
his hat blew off."
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Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 20:29:49 -0800
From: Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Forms of (Dis)Belief
Forms of (Dis)Belief
Theist: I know.
Atheist: I know.
Agnostic: I don't know.
Apathist: I don't care.
By Steven Garrett
ICQ# 13621615
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Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1998 10:04:37 -0400
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Q & A <adult>
Q. What Is Similarity Between an Audio Cassette And A Girl?
A. You Can Use Them On Either Side.
Q. What Is The Similarity Between Girl And Tea?
A. Both Are Hot, Have Milk And Are Needed While Rising.
Q. What Is The Difference Between Sky And A Skirt?
A. The Sky Covers the Whole Universe And A Skirt Covers
the Universal Hole.
Q. What Is The Difference Between Men's Cricket And
Women's Cricket?
A. In Men's Cricket There Is A Short Leg Between Two
Long Legs While In Women's Cricket There Is Deep Gully
Between Two Fine Legs.
Q. What Did The Egyptian Boy Say To The Egyptian Girl?
A. Come Behind The Pyramid And I Will Make You A Mummy.
Q. What Did Newton's cock Say To Newton?
A. Fuck Your Law Of Gravity, I Am Going Up.
Chalapathi :-) "Energy equals milk chocolate square"
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