Digest for Thursday, September 03, 1998
There are 20 messages totalling 808 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- TAIWANESE (Adult)
- Drug Combination (Pun)]
- Drug Combination (repost)
- Doctor - Patient
- Things Men Need To Know
- Ironing shirts
- Two groaners
- Really silly joke:
- Johnny Cochrans Top 10 Closing Arguments for Bill Clintons Impeachment Hearing
- Humor: Still more Clinton/Lewinski
- The History of Medicine
- Dennis Miller on Relationships...(adult language)
- Ethnic Jokes
- BRady bunCH paRodY(Adult)
- Stand and deliver
- Humor - Weird Business News #7 (2 of 3)
- Mostly cynical observations about current events & life
- Spielberg Movie (Pun)
- The Old Man and the Jar (risque)
- On Commuting
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Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1998 11:13:14 +0400
From: rufus <rufus@GOLDENSUN.COM>
Subject: TAIWANESE (Adult)
The beautiful Executive Assistant to the president of the Chase =
Manhattan Bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese
client. The
client, out of the blue, asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary
is
quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, "don't
reject the guy outright." So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade
the
businessman from wanting to marry her.
After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you
under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat
diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara." The Taiwanese man
pauses
for a while. Then, he nods his head and says "No problem!! I buy. I buy."
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the
man, "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation
home,
I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some
brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the
woman,
nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build, I build." Realizing that
she
has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a
good
one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A
sure-to-work
condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather
coldly, "Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a
12-inch
penis." The man got very disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and
rests his
elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking
real sad, says to the woman, "Okay, okay,........I cut. I cut."
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Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1998 00:16:22 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Drug Combination (Pun)]
It has come to the attention of researchers that a previously
unanticipated reaction results when Viagara is taken along with Ex-Lax.
Both products tend to act together and magnify the effects of the other.
The end result is that you end up both coming and going at the same time.
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Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1998 00:16:22 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Drug Combination (Pun)]
It has come to the attention of researchers that a previously
unanticipated reaction results when Viagara is taken along with Ex-Lax.
Both products tend to act together and magnify the effects of the other.
The end resX-Mozilla-Status: 0009 both coming and going at the same time.
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Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1998 03:35:38 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Doctor - Patient
* Doctor: "You're coughing easier today."
Patient: "No wonder. I practiced all night."
- - - - -
* A doctor told a woman patient well into her 70's to get undressed.
"OK, I'll do it, but I want to warn you, you're playing with fire."
- - - - -
* Doctor: "Mrs Klien, I'm afraid your husband can never work again."
Mrs Klien: "I'll tell him. That'll cheer him up for sure !"
- - - - -
* A new patient was being examined by a doctor. According to her
husband, she seemed to be suffering from amnesia. The doctor asked,
"Have you ever had this before ?"
- - - - -
* I guess once a lawyer always a lawyer. The doctor broke the sad
news to his lawyer patient that the man had approximately 3 months
to live. The lawyer pondered a moment and asked, "Consecutively ?"
- - - - -
* One of the side benefits of the reunification of Germany was that
for German Measles prior to their reuniting, doctors always had to
give their patients two shots -- East and West.
- - - - -
* A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said: "I
don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me either doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook and
really good with the kids."
- - - - -
* A very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was examined
by a doctor. After checking the chart, he nodded and wrote the man
a prescription for a powerful tranquilizer. The man asked, "How
often do I take these."
"Let's start off with once every six hours. But they're not for
you." replied the doctor. "They're for your wife."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1998 08:17:59 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Things Men Need To Know
1. The reason our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE
actually CHANGE our underwear.
2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat,
take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet bowl.
3. If we're watching football with you, it's not bonding. We're
watching because of the butts.
4. If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your
payday.
5. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after
the movie.
6. Don't fret if you find out that the postman delivers more than once
a day.
7. Please don't drive when you're not driving.
8. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
9. Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of
baths that you take.
10. If you were really looking for an honest answer you wouldn't ask in
bed.
11. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of
accidents caused by rubbernecking at miniskirts.
12. If only women gossip, how do you and your buddies keep track of
"who's easy?"
13. Stop telling us that most male strippers are gay: WE DON'T CARE!
14. Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life: You'll
never see the island coming.
15. Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.
16. Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that
chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.
17. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder level.
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Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1998 08:55:12 -0500
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Ironing shirts
I sent the posting of the Poem by Shel Silverstein about doing the dishes
to a colleague and she responded with this about ironing shirts.
> Good idea... I had a neighbor many years ago who decided when she got
> married, she did not want to have to iron her husband's shirts. So, when
> the first one was presented to her for her care, she simply put the hot
> iron down right in the middle of the back of the shirt. And left it until
> it smoldered ever so slightly. Cissie didn't have to do shirts after that.
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Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1998 16:02:15 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Two groaners <clean, but real groaners>
Q. What is a Freudian slip?
A. A Freudian slip is when you say something but mean a mother.
Q. Why did Robin Hood rob the rich?
A. Because the poor have no money.
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Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1998 15:19:10 +0100
From: Nik Makepeace <psuol@CSV.WARWICK.AC.UK>
Subject: Really silly joke:
Two chocolate biscuits are walking down the road, when one chocolate
biscuit says to the other chocolate biscuit, "Where do you live?" The
other says, "I'm not telling you; you might steal my washing!"
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Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1998 10:31:51 -0400
From: Patrick Ash <pash@GRADIENT.CIS.UPENN.EDU>
Subject: Johnny Cochran's Top 10 Closing Arguments for Bill Clinton's
Impeachment Hearing
10. If the dress aint a mess, he won't need to confess
9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate
8. If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit
7. If she is not spread eagle, than it is not illegal
6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore
5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses
4. He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life
3. Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof
2. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy
And the number one closing argument by Johnny Cochrane:
1. If the sex is just oral, it is not really immoral
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Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1998 10:17:34 -0500
From: Rowe, Thomas <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Still more Clinton/Lewinski <sexual>
From a friend through Bonnie Caley:
What do Monica Lewinski and soda machines have in common?
Both have slots which say 'Insert Bill Here.'
What help wanted ad did Monica Lewinski answer?
Be a White House intern and get a taste of the Presidency!
There's a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon.
It will have a 6 inch hard drive, but no memory.
Bill was recently overheard complimenting Monica's appearance.
"She's got the whitest teeth I've ever come across."
What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?
A screw driver turns in screws while Clinton screws interns.
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Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1998 11:35:32 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The History of Medicine
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1998 14:21:03 EDT
From: Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Dennis Miller on Relationships...(adult language)
DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO WOMEN ON WHAT MEN WANT:
"I know the myth is that men want:
Traci Lords in the bedroom, Julia Child in the kitchen, Hazel around
the house, Lesley Visser during a game, Mary Poppins for the children,
Cha Cha Muldowney in traffic, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Chick when we're
sick, Mary Richards at work, Mother Theresa when we come home with
leprosy, Gertrude Stein in conversation, the body of Sophia Loren in
'Boy on a Dolphin' combined with the voice of Sade, and to top it all
off, the IQ of Anna Nicole Smith, because we don't want to feel too
threatened.
So if that's the myth of what we want, what's the reality? Well,
first put that Cosmo article down right now and back slowly away from
the magazine. Now go to the window and take a deep breath. You must
clear your head of bullshit articles like "How to Trick Your Man
into Cooking Tex-Mex." Trick me? How about asking me? And then I'll
be able to tell you I don't have a fucking clue what Tex-Mex is,
okay?!
All right, I'm not supposed to do this. I'm not supposed to reveal
the master list to all you non-tripods, but what the hell; here goes:
Here's what men want from women. One through Ten:
1. We want you to understand that we don't give a shit about clothes,
all right? Yours OR ours. All we need is one pair of tennies and one
pair of church shoes. That's it.
2. Don't talk to us while the television is on, all right? Very simple:
Television is off, we talk. Television is on, we don't.
3. THREE-When you're behind the wheel of a car, if you want to get
aggressive, that's fine, but don't give somebody the finger and expect
me to defend your honor when Steroid Lad comes over swinging a pair of
nunchucks, all right?
4. Would it kill you to watch 'The Godfather' with me for the
fifty-seventh time?
5. FIVE-Hey I'm sorry, but some of us see a beautiful sunset and think,
"You know, I betcha my accountant is boning me up the ass."
6. You go see Nell by yourself, all right? I met enough chicks like
that at "The Drink" when I was single.
7. Have a sense of humor. Without a sense of humor, a relationship
lasts about as long David Duke at a Black Panther meeting.
8. Work out your job-related anger before we have sex. Just because
Helmut, the office boy, brought you the CUP of lima bean consomme
instead of the BOWL of lima bean consomme from Soup Plantation, I don't
want to end up in the friction burn groin ward at Cedars-Sinai, all
right?
9. Don't ask us to cry. As much as you say you want us to cry, you
don't really want us to cry. You hate it when we cry. I've tried
crying in front of my wife. She enjoyed it for about thirty seconds and
then started thinking, "Why in the fuck did I marry this hamster?"
10. Be patient. Hold us. Love us unconditionally. Help us out of this
testosterone-induced fog we dwell in and lead us into the light. Or if
that's asking too much, how's about a big sloppy blowjob once in a
while?
DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO MEN ABOUT WHAT WOMEN WANT:
"Nowadays it seems like they want....other women. No, uhh....some
women want zero from a man, and others want lots of zeros from a man.
Let's see, the myth is that women want:
Brad Pitt in the bedroom, Brad Pitt in the kitchen, Brad Pitt
around the house, Brad Pitt during a game, Brad Pitt when they're
sick, Brad Pitt in conversation, the body of Brad Pitt in 'Legends of
the Fall' combined with the voice of Brad Pitt, and to top it all off
the IQ of Fabio on two bottles of NyQuil.
Another myth is that a woman must be married by a certain age or
she'll never find stability. Hey, I've got news for you, ladies:
looking to men for stability is like going to Crispin Glover for
psychoanalysis, all right?
And yet a third myth is that men think that women like guys who are
dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too
much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. The reality? Women
don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that
because women are trying to kill us.
Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on women is about as
reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this is what I kinda sorta, maybe
think women want from men.
1. Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.
2. If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer
her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.
3. Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they
possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent affordable child
care. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off
welfare and we won't have to listen to any more assholes in Congress
blathering about orphanages.
4. Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look
at...say Carl, the brain-dead jagoff in the cubicle next to you. You
could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady
idiot. Now imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo!!!!!!!!!
5. This is very important: During lovemaking: Don't ask, "Who's your
daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny. Think ABOUT
IT!!!!!!
6. When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out.
Words are kind of important.
7. Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars
to have women their own age in their videos.
8. Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should
know if she came.
9. Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions.
10. When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in your
sleep, take it like a man.
So, guys, at the end of the what women want is this: equal pay, fair
treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a genuine
effort at understanding who they really are. Or if that's too much to
ask, how about a big fucking diamond the size of your head?
=================================================
Calvin: "People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they
don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world."
Hobbes: "Isn't your pant's zipper supposed to be in the front?"
-- Watterson
=================================================
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Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1998 14:06:50 -0400
From: Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Ethnic Jokes <adult, offensive>
(via Clint Heine, w/some mod's)
What do you call someone who speaks 3 languages?
Trilingual
What do you call someone who speaks 2 languages?
Bilingual
What do you call someone who speaks 1 language?
An American
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
Q: Why do American 18-year-olds
take sex education courses?
A: So they can learn what they've been
doing wrong for the past five years.
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
Q: What's the difference between
Virginia and West Virginia?
A: In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer.
In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
Q: Why don't Brits get hemorrhoids?
A: Because they are perfect arseholes.
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
Q: Why are there 2 X's on Dos Equis beer?
A: Every Mexican needs a co-signer.
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
Q: Why did they take the "911" numbers
off the police patrol cars?
A: Mexicans kept stealing them,
thinking they were Porsches.
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
Q. What's the definition of a maniac?
A. A Frenchman in a whorehouse with a credit card.
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
Q: How is an Italian hearse different from a regular one?
A: In an Italian hearse, the body is always in the trunk.
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
Q: How can you recognize an Italian airline?
A: The planes all have hair under their wings.
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
Q: What is another name for an Italian with a war medal?
A: Thief.
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
Q: How do you fit 25 Germans into a mini-van?
A: Make one the boss & the rest will crawl up his arse.
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
Q: What do Russians call a TV set that
goes five years without need of repair?
A: An import.
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
A girl sat sobbing in the police station.....
"I was raped by a Polack," she wailed.
"How do you know it was a Polack?" the detective asked.
"I had to help him!" the girl replied.
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
Q: Why do birds fly upside down over Poland?
A: Because there's nothing worth shitting on.
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
Q: What do you call the owner of a Polish-made car?
A: A pedestrian.
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
-- Groucho Marx
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Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1998 13:36:37 -0500
From: RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: BRady bunCH paRodY(Adult)
The Shady Bunch (to the tune of "The Brady Bunch")
Here's the story,
of a First Lady,
who was fighting off three very naughty girls.
All of them have had Her Man, like the others,
the youngest one... oral.
It's the story, of a man Slick Willy,
who was busy with three sharks of his own.
They were four men, dodging each other,
over a land deal blown.
Till the one day when Lewinsky met this fellow
and they lied about the times he was her lunch,
then this group, it somehow became scandle.
That's the way they all became The Shady Bunch.
The Shady Bunch.......
The Shady Bunch...
That's the way... they became... The Shady Bunch!
--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
Just enjoy the Rainbow~
RAINY
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Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1998 19:58:26 +0100
From: Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Stand and deliver
The Queen and Di were out for a drive in one of the Queen's Range Rovers.
Suddenly some armed robbers leapt out of the bushes and stopped the car.
"Give us your money," they shouted at the Queen.
"But I'm the Queen of England; I have no need for money."
"Oh, shit," said the leader of the armed band, and turned to Di. "Give
us yer jewels."
"But I don't wear my jewels all the time, only on state occasions."
The armed robbers looked fed up, when suddenly they heard the sound of
wailing sirens approaching. "Quick, out of the car. We'll have the Range
Rover at least!"
And with that the robbers drove off. As the Queen and Di waited for the
police to get there, Di turned to the Queen. "What did you do with all
the cash you had? You're always loaded."
"Ah," said the Queen, "I saw the robbers and in the few seconds before
they got to the car I rolled up my notes and tucked them into that
little private place that women have." Reaching under her skirt, she
produced several thousand pounds in notes.
"And what did you do with your jewels? You always wear lots of jewelry,
my dear," the Queen said to Di.
"Well, like you, in those few seconds before the robbers got to the car,
I slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like you, slipped them
into that little place that only women have." Reaching down, she plucked
out her jewelry.
They both sat quietly for a few minutes, before the Queen turned to Di.
"You know, if Fergie had been with us, we could still have that Range
Rover."
Trust me, I'm a doctor.
Catweasel <catweasel@catweasel.org>
http://www.catweasel.org
Beware of low-flying butterflies
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Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1998 15:14:14 -0500
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #7 (2 of 3)
Copied from Houston Chronicle collumnist Jim Barlow:
Their feet aren't like Mike's
The Things You Would Never Know if You Didn't Read This Column. A survey
of Women's National Basketball Association athletic trainers found WNBA
players have relatively healthy feet. Only 17 percent of them suffer from
nail fungus, compared with 28 percent of players in the men's National
Basketball Association.
And in related news, Trans Pacific Trading Co. of Del Mar, Calif.,
promises that its Gran's Remedy "eliminates stinky feet and footwear odor
for up to six months."
The Plain English Award goes this time to the following news release:
"Houston -- Texas Micro Inc. (NASDAQ:TEXM), a leading manufacturer of
industrial tower and rackmount computing platforms and passive backplane
Intel-based Single Board Computers, has expanded its family of completely
modular, highly configurable OEM computing solutions -- the MultiPro(TM)
MP3600 Series. The 14 ISA or 13 PCI/ISA slot MultiPro family offers a
variety of configurations with various form factors, backplanes, single
board computers and power suppliers for those wanting economical solutions
with optimal performance, expansion options and controlled upgrade paths."
The Headline Grabber Award to the following news release: "Your skirt's
too short! (And 7 more things women do to hurt themselves in business!)"
Signs of the times, from Travel Weekly, a trade magazine.
* On the door of a pub in Shrewsbury, Great Britain. "Disabled toilet &
Ladies."
* On the grounds of the Atlantis Resort on Paradise Island in the Bahamas:
"Please do not drop your cigarette butts on the ground. The fish crawl out
at night to smoke them and we are trying to get them to quit."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To be contiued.
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Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1998 17:23:40 EST
From: Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Mostly cynical observations about current events & life
Selected from recent issues of THE VENT (Atlanta Jl-Const)
If Monica had never existed, Keeneth Starr would still be spending
our tax dollars looking for dirt and Bob Barr would still be running
around yelling "Citizen's arrest! Citizen's arrest!"
Can you believe the nerve of Larry King, who has married seven times,
giving Clinton marriage advice?
Do you think Bill Clinton cranked up these hurricanes to divert media
attention from his personal problems?
From a bumper sticker: Dyslexics have more fnu.
Possible occupation for Clinton after he leaves office: Co-host on
MTV's Love Line.
Bumper sticker for Clinton's car: Make Love AND War
Is it possible, if you have a beard or a mustache, to tell a
blad-faced lie?
I may be a little sick, but when I see those people on TV who won't
evacuate and say they want to ride out the hurricane, I start rooting
for the hurricane.
Newt has made a career out of bashing so-called inefficient
government bureaucracies. When was the last time he tried to call
Sears' service department or Delta?
What do D.B. Cooper, Eric Robert Rudolph, and a single sock have in
common? Answer: Nobody, including the FBI, knows where they go to
hide!
If Jesus were running as a Democrat, the Republicans would
investigate him for turning water into wine without a license.
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Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1998 18:36:03 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Spielberg Movie (Pun)
Steven Spielberg's latest movie has brought rise to a possible sequel.
Picture this: A young soldier is wounded and brought to a
military
hospital, a la Mash.
A beautiful French nurse prepares him for surgery.
Of course they fall in love, he recovers and they live happily
ever after.
Oh yes the movie should be called, ... Shaving Ryan's Privates.
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Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1998 21:39:03 -0400
From: Alan G. Rosenberg <arosenb@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The Old Man and the Jar (risque)
Sent to me by a friend ...
A 70-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm
count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me
back a sample tomorrow."
The next day the 70-year-old man reappears at the doctor's office
and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous
day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:
"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand,
but, nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I
asked my wife for help.
"She tried with her right hand -- nothing. Then her left, but
nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then
with the teeth out, and still nothing.
"We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both
hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we
couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
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Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 09:47:46 -0400
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: On Commuting <cleanish..>
[For all those over-enthusiastic software guys,who's mails regarding
the Voice Recognition joke are flooding me,and for all those futuristic
guys who'll bombard me,kindly read the punch line as "Format C:,Y,Return".
And for all those people who'll ask me what's Y for it's the aye for
confirmation :) - Chaps.]
Whew,on with today's dialogue..
This is a transcript between a commuter and the Railways,regarding
services of the latter.
Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last twenty two years,
and the service on your line seems to be getting worse evry day.
I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip.
I think the transportation system is worse that that enjoyed by people
2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
A Commuter
The Reply to the above:-
Dear Sir: We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of
our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The
only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Western Railways
The Reply was:-
Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones
who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of
David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in
the last twenty two years.
Yours truly,
A Commuter
Chalapathi :-) "Energy equals milk chocolate square"
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