Digest for Friday, September 04, 1998
There are 16 messages totalling 604 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Golf
- free drink
- If you cant believe in Duct Tape...
- Gay Q&A
- Grannies on the road
- How to Succeed
- Humor - Weird Business News #7 (3 of 3)
- Bear Salvation
- Marrying Man (Pun)
- Indian Names
- Differences Between You And Your Boss
- Trids
- No DHMO
- From Where???
- Wrong number
- Adult (Humor)
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Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 03:23:18 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Golf
* I have a friend who really needs some serious psychological help.
The guy treats golf as if it were just a game.
- - - - -
* As the pro had told him, he kept his head down addressing the ball.
While he was keeping his head down, somebody stole his golf clubs.
- - - - -
* After years of trying, I finally got a hole in one. Now I'm going
nuts trying to figure out how to mount it for display.
- - - - -
* Another friend of mine, Dan is as avid a golfer as you'd ever want
to meet. Following a day of golf with him, I asked how he liked
my game. "It's OK, I guess." he replied. "But personally, I like
golf much better."
- - - - -
* Sitting at the bar in the clubhouse I told Dan that that was the
last time I was ever going to play golf with Richard. I went on to
explain that he had lost his ball and found it two feet from the cup.
"Well, Jimmy, be fair now." Dan replied. "While that is unlikely,
it's at least possible."
"No it wasn't !" I maintained. "I had the ball in my pocket."
- - - - -
* I was once in a foursome with my Minister. I'm afraid I forgot
myself and let loose with some profanity after missing an easy shot.
"Jimmy," he said, "I've played golf with some of the finest men
in our congregation. Last week, Mr. Nicholas went for six under par
on this very course. I didn't hear one word of profanity from him."
Still upset, I replied, "Well Pastor, what the hell did he have
to cuss about ?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 10:53:19 +0100
From: Vandersijp_kca, Jaap <Jaap.Vandersijp@KCA-DRILLING.CO.UK>
Subject: free drink <slightly off>
Two stockbrokers, completely bankrupted by the latest slide of Wall Street,
want to drink away their sorrows. With only 2 dollars between them, they
are thinking of a plan. 'I've got it! says one: 'What we'll do is buy a
cheap sausage at the butcher. Then we go into a expensive bar, order some
drinks, and then when we've finished, I'll hang the sausage out of my fly,
while you suck it. They'll throw us out, and we can go to the next place
without paying!'
So off they go, get a sausage, into the first bar, few beers, out on their
ass, into the next, and so on. Late that night they get hungry. 'Could do
with something to eat.' 'Yeah. Hey, let's have that sausage, that should
fill us up.' 'Nah, I ate it three, four pubs ago...'
Jaap van der Sijp
'Ive got the digital blues, my soul is just another number' (JJ Cale)
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Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 10:01:28 -0400
From: Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <HUMOR> If you can't believe in Duct Tape...
We are all familiar with the way modern science produces
contradictory results about important matters. You know where of I speak:
one week a study says that we should eat tons of bladabla daily to prevent
inflamation of the bongo nerve, the next we learn that bladabla causes
myopia in laboratory aphids and should be avoided by anyone who wants
to maintain a functioning blammodammo gland beyond their 15th birthday.
I think we've all gotten used to this. Now, however, comes something really
unsettling!
This week's TIME magazine (dated Sept. 7) reports that DUCT TAPE
is not good for sealing DUCTS! I saw the quote right there in the front-end
section of the magazine.
"It failed reliably and often quite catastrophically." --Max Sherman
What are we to make of this? Will Sherman be challenged by the Duct Tape
Council? Is it possible he's just not a 'guy' and can't use the stuff? Will
there
be further tests? Is it a result of Clinton's lack of moral fiber? Will the
Dilemmacrats blame it on the Repelicans?
Ontological foundations are shaking all around us.
--
Jim Mica JMICA@ITHACA.EDU
Philosophy is a battle against the bewitchment of our intelligence by means of
language.
-Ludwig Witgenstein
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Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 09:53:15 -0400
From: Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Gay Q&A <adult, off. to homo's>
(via Dvlwitch)
Q: What do you call 2 gay guys named Bob?
A: Oral Roberts.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Q: What do you call a Jewish Homosexual?
A: Heblew.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Q: What do you call a gay in a wheelchair?
A: Rolaids.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Q: What do you call a gay Eskimo woman?
A: Klondike
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Q: What do you call a gay Indian?
A: Brave fucker.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Q: What do you call a gay dentist?
A: A Tooth Fairy.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Q: What do you call two Irish gays?
A: Patrick Fitzhenry and Henry Fitzpatrick.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Q: What do you call a sleeping bag in San Francisco?
A: Fruit roll up.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Q: What kind of license do lesbians need?
A: A licker license.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Other Q & A.......
Q: How can you tell that your wife is old?
A: When you can suck her tits and lick her clit
with a simple turn of the head.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Q: Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank
than at the Blood Bank?
A: Sperm is handmade.
*****************************************************
"For those who say I can't impose my morality on others,
I say just watch me." --Joseph Scheidler,
Executive Director, Pro-Life Action League
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Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 10:58:53 EDT
From: Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Grannies on the road
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers,A
State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks
to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he
turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car,
he notices that there are five old ladies-two in the front seat and
three in the back; - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver,
obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was
doing exactly the speed limit!
What
seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should
know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to
other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly...Twenty- two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit
proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle
explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this
car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a
single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route
119."
===================================
"I was only all right up to about the age six.
After that I was more or less
consistently fantastic up until about twenty-five,
and since that time I have been world-class."
Spider Robinson
====================================
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Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 10:40:05 -0500
From: Humor <webmaster@BESTOFHUMOR.COM>
Subject: How to Succeed
How to Succeed:
1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands.
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees
heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands
look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the
newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom.
Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night,
thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than
you do.
2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it
looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive
personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast
without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly
the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution
expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss
--and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're
teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable
training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer
to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry
away like a frightened salamander.
3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk.
For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough.
Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer,
last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts.
Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your
cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing
stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail.
People don't call you just because they want to give you something for
nothing--they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's
no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody
leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work,
respond during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and
conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you
diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then
returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the
odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you.
The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my
last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on
the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit
frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming
messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages.
Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, Sorry, this
mailbox is full"--a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee
in high demand.
--
-------------------------------------
Best: Of Humor
'This is a laughing matter'
http://www.bestofhumor.com
join@bestofhumor.com
--------------------------------------
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Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 10:43:25 -0500
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #7 (3 of 3)
Copied from Houston Chronicle collumnist Jim Barlow:
Rodents keeping cool.
Our Cheerful News of the Month comes from d-Con -- the folks who make the
rodent killer. They warn in a news release, "The recent heatwave in the
Southwest is ... sending rodents indoors to escape the high temperatures
and humidity."
Best Business Book Title. Teaching Chipmunks to Dance: the Business
Leaders' Guide to Making the Distributed Enterprise Year 2000 Compliant, by
Chris Jesse.
The What Is This World Coming To award to a survey by Student Monitor Web
site, which found that surfing the Internet has replaced beer drinking as
the No. 1 pastime on college campuses.
The Least Startling Survey award to Women's Day magazine, which questioned
a cross-section of American women ages 25 to 54 on their favorite fun
activity. Of the top 10 activities chosen, sex ranked 10th.
And in a related matter, the third annual Wrinkle Report survey of 201
dematologists found that 30-and-over women seeking treatment and advice
want to look better for themselves. By contrast, men of the same age seek
such treatment because they want to look better for the opposite sex.
The Scorched Palate Award to Eddy Raven's Mexi-Cajun Gourmet Sauce, the
first place winner in the 2nd annual Texas Fiery Food Show in Austin,
beating out 2,000 other hot sauces.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The end.
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Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 11:50:25 EDT
From: Jen S <talkloud@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Bear Salvation
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head
to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a
perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his
rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went
one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both his
legs.
That was the good news.
The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a
distance, and he couldn't move. "Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so
sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please
forgive me and grant me just one wish . . . Please make a Christian out
of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"
That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped
its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet.
"Dear God" the bear said, "Bless this food I am about to receive
. . ."
Now and then it is good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be
happy. : )
talkloud@juno.com
Jen (Write to me if you like!)
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Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 09:08:50 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Marrying Man (Pun)
Once upon a time, there was a man who married in his youth the most
perfect woman for him. She was beautiful, charming, witty, independent,
sexy and she loved her husband dearly. It caused him the utmost grief
when she died not long after their marriage, and he mourned her for many
years.
In time he overcame his grief and married again, but this woman was
pretty only because of the volumes of makeup she wore, was witty only in
a painfully sarcastic way, was independent only because she could find
no one to be dependent on, was never sexy, and if she loved her husband,
it was in the most twisted fashion imaginable. He soon regretted his
decision to marry again, and booted the nagging witch as quickly as
possible.
After more time, the man eventually found another woman who was at least
the equal to his first wife, if not better. He was in luck, she did not
die, nor did she prove a Harpy after the vows were made, and they lived
many happy years and had several children. It did not take him long, in
fact, to get over what had proven to be ... a very brief mid-wife
crisis.
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Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 16:04:27 EDT
From: Jen S <talkloud@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Indian Names <sexual innuendo>
This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his
face. "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?" She told
him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" She
replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called Moonchild? The mother said,
"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."
Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber
why are you so curious?"
"Now and then it is good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be
happy." : )
talkloud@juno.com
Jen
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Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 16:51:28 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Differences Between You And Your Boss
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your
authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're ass-creeping.
When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum.
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it 's because he's overworked.
(Thanks to Mary Campbell)
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 15:53:46 -0500
From: Matthew 24:7 Francis <matthew-francis@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Trids
There once was a village and all of the people that lived there were
called Trids. They were very short people about 2 feet tall. And a
Giant lived there too and everyday he would come around and kick them. A
Rabbi heard about this and decided to go see him. He was very nervous
about meeting him. He got there and the Giant invited him in for lunch.
They had a nice conversation. The Rabbi then told him of his
nervousness. How he had heard about him kicking the Trids. He thought
the Giant might hurt him. The Giant said, "Silly Rabbi, Kicks are for
Trids.
this original
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Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 15:52:48 -0500
From: Matthew 24:7 Francis <matthew-francis@JUNO.COM>
Subject: No DHMO
This is what I was asking you for that you did not remember here it is
BAN DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE!
THE INVISIBLE KILLER
Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, and tasteless, and kills
uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are
caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen
monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form
causes severe sweating and tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion
can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated
feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those
who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.
Dihydrogen monoxide:
* is the major component of acid rain.
* contributes to the "greenhouse effect".
* may cause severe burns.
* contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
* accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
* may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of
automobile brakes.
* has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.
CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS
Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every
stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is
global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. In
the midwest alone DHMO has caused millions of dollars in property
damage.
Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:
* as an industrial solvent and coolant.
* in nuclear power plants.
* in the production of Styrofoam.
* as a fire retardant.
* in many forms of cruel animal research.
* in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing,
produce
remains contaminated by this chemical.
* as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food
products.
Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can
be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact
on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!
THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED
The American government has refused to ban the production,
distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance
to the economic health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other
military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and
designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it
during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities
receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground
distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.
IT'S NOT TOO LATE
Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this
dangerous chemical. What you don't know CAN hurt you and others
throughout the world. Send e-mail to no_dhmo@circus.com, or a SASE
to:
Coalition to Ban DHMO
211 Pearl St.
Santa Cruz, CA 95060
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Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 21:40:30 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: From Where???
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own
business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and WHACK!
knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy says,
"That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he
gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden
WHACK! the big guy knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop
from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up,
brushes himself off and quietly leaves.
The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying
a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and Bong!" bangs the big guy off
his stool, knocking him out cold! The little guy looks at the bartender
and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from K-Mart."
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Date: Sat, 5 Sep 1998 09:26:23 +0530
From: Dilip Nathani <Dilip_Nathani@RIL.COM>
Subject: Wrong number
A new recruit wanted to have a cup of tea. So he dialed the number of the
pantry but got the wrong one.
When someone picked the phone he said "Please send me a cup of tea."
"Do you know whom you are talking to ?" the other side asked.
"No." he replied.
"You are talking to the director of this company." the other side replied.
Then our friend asked. "Do you know who is talking on this side ?"
"No" the other side replied.
"Thanks". And he put the phone down.
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Date: Sat, 5 Sep 1998 08:53:24 +0400
From: rufus <rufus@GOLDENSUN.COM>
Subject: Adult (Humor)
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all
over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to." she whispered. "Just pretend you're a
statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue." she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought
one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us, too."
No more
was said about the "statue".
Later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the
husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a
sandwich and a
glass of milk.
"Here." he said to the 'statue'. "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the
Smiths for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."
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