Digest for Thursday, October 01, 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 421 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Hunting
- The Wink (Pun)
- Reality Checks
- Doctors Orders
- I Have No Recollection...
- Letter of reccomendation
- Wish Id said that
- "Wonder" Bread and Mailman
- beware of dog
- Top Ten Signs That Your Life Is About To Change
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Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1998 03:27:27 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Hunting
* It'll be hunting season soon here in the US with the usual number
of shooting accidents. Last year in Howard County, a hunter was
climbing thru a fence with his gun cocked. He was survived by
his wife, two children and three deer.
- - - - -
* An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "Am
I glad to see you." he said. "I've been lost for three days."
"Don't get too excited friend." the other hunter replied. "I've
been lost for three weeks."
- - - - -
* An English hunter came upon a lovely young lady, completely nude,
cavorting in a lake. The hunter said, "I beg your pardon m'Lady,
I'm looking for game."
The young lass smiled and said, "Well... I'm game." So he shot
her.
- - - - -
* Some men go on a hunting trip and separate into pairs. That
evening one hunter, Sam, returned to camp alone toting a 12 point
buck. "Where's George ?" one of the men asked, noticing that Sam
had returned alone.
"He's about 6 miles back. He tripped and broke his ankle. I
left him there 'cause I figured ain't nobody 'bout to steal him."
- - - - -
* After listening to the exploits of a braggart about his hunting
skills, I managed to inject, "My favorite sport was tiger hunting
in Africa."
"My dear sir..." he began, using his most condescending voice,
"there are NO tigers in Africa."
Assuming a posture of extreme indignation, I replied, "Well of
course not ! Not NOW !!!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
(text) www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
(zip) www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1998 01:48:29 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Wink (Pun)
A certain man had a daughter who was...how do I say this
tactfully... ugly. Well, in a desperate attempt to marry her
off, this man found a available young gentleman by the name
of Herz. He invited him over to supper and, with the promise
of a large dowry, suggested Mr. Herz wink at the girl during
the meal. Unfortunately, once he saw her, no amount of money
would have coaxed him to batt his lashes....which just goes
to show you: You can lead a Herz to daughter, but you can't
make him wink.
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Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1998 07:26:55 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Reality Checks
"I expect to win it. Sit back, put your feet up in front of the TV,
relax and enjoy it. Let me do the worrying - that's what I get paid
for." - England manager Graham Taylor before the 1992 European
championships. England didn't win a game.
"I have always found strangers sexy." - Hugh Grant, six months before he
was arrested with stranger Divine Brown.
"I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear." - Margaret Thatcher in
1973.
"That rainbow song's no good. Take it out." - MGM memo after first
showing of The Wizard Of Oz.
"You'd better learn secretarial skills or else get married." - Modelling
agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944.
"Radio has no future." "X-rays are clearly a hoax". "The aeroplane is
scientifically impossible." - Royal Society president Lord Kelvin,
1897-9.
"You ought to go back to driving a truck." - Concert manager, firing
Elvis Presley in 1954.
"Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel." - MGM executive,
advising against investing in Gone With The Wind.
"Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little." - A film
company's verdict on Fred Astaire's 1928 screen test.
"Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, but it will never work." - Professor
of Aeronautical Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank Whittle's plan for
the jet engine.
"There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain by 1991." - World
Health Organisation in a 1989 report. It over-estimated by 992,301
cases.
"The Beatles? They're on the wane." - The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada,
1965. They went on to produce a string of No 1s.
"The atom bomb will never go off - and I speak as an expert in
explosives." - U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945.
"All saved from Titanic after collision." - New York Evening Sun, April
15 1912.
"Brain work will cause women to go bald." - Berlin professor, 1914.
"Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine." - Radio Times editor
Rex Lambert, 1936.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - director of the
US Patent Office, 1899.
"And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris
in Vietnam." - Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the
late 1960s.
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Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1998 08:34:46 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Doctor's Orders
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later
the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady
on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor met him again, and said, "You're really
doing great, aren't you? That was quite the gorgeous young lady I saw you
with!"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and
be cheerful.'"
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be
careful."
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1998 08:44:37 -0400
From: Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: I Have No Recollection...
Somewhere in America, next week......
-----------------------------------
Dad - Son, come in here, we need to talk.
Son - What's up, Dad?
Dad - There's a scratch down the side of the car.
Did you do it?
Son - I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch
the car", that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.
Dad - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car
last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can
you explain the scratch?
Son - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching
the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last
night, I did
not scratch it.
Dad - But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car
against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud
scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then
drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the
car?
Son - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it.
Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car.
I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.
Dad - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?
Son - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street.
I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct
contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.
Dad - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?
Son - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original
statement that I did not scratch the car.
Dad - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched
as a result of this contact?
Son - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.
Dad - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?
Son - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch
the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the
meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox
did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my
answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally
correct, although I did not volunteer information.
Dad - Where in the hell did you learn to be such a smart ass?
Son - From The President of the United States.
Dad - I see.
********************************************
Everything stated above is completely correct...
any inconsistencies are due to fundamental flaws in reality.
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Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1998 15:36:49 +0100
From: Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Letter of reccomendation
Next time you're asked to write a reference letter, think of this...
The Boss asked for a letter describing Bob Smith:
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Signed ...
A memo was son sent to follow the letter:
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd
numbered lines (1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assessment of him.
Trust me, I'm a doctor.
Catweasel <catweasel@catweasel.org>
http://www.catweasel.org
Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
faster rat.
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Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1998 13:26:06 -0400
From: Harter, Douglas <Harter.Douglas@DEP.STATE.PA.US>
Subject: Wish I'd said that
Thanks to rec.humor.funny & geraghty@visi.net. Copied as posted on 9-30.
This was taken from the front page of this morning's Richmond Times-Dispatch
(Metro Section). It seems that last night (9/23/98) Virginia executed yet
another prisoner, and for the first time in four years, the electric chair
was used (at the request of the prisoner). One of the media witnesses, a
Terry Scanlon of the Lynchburg News & Observer, talking about the prisoner
in his last moments, is quoted as saying that the condemned "...didn't show
any resistance."
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Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1998 18:37:28 EDT
From: J e n <talkloud@JUNO.COM>
Subject: "Wonder" Bread and Mailman <adult>
Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex:
1st: Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!
2nd: You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your
secret?
1st: Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not
kidding!
So the second old man rushed to the store.
Clerk: May I help you?
Old man: Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please.
Clerk: That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!
Old man: Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?
***
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying
the
mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he
arrived
at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there,
who
roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy
gift
envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing
lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
woman
in
a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through
the
door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the
bedroom
where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever
experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed
orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of
steaming
coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from
under
the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the
dollar
for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your
last
day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what
to
give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my
idea."
"From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere." --
Dr. Seuss
talkloud@juno.com
Jen (Got any original/never before heard jokes????)
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Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1998 19:14:39 -0800
From: Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: beware of dog <clean>
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a
sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! Posted on the glass door. Inside
he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the
cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't
look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post
that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people
kept tripping over him."
Steven
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Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1998 00:45:58 EDT
From: Michael Gaines <HonkyTonkR@AOL.COM>
Subject: Top Ten Signs That Your Life Is About To Change
10. You hear that your dentist has been arrested for using radioactive
material as tooth-filling.
9. The bank notifies you that your paycheck has bounced.
8. Your twelve year old daughter suddenly develops a craving for pickles and
ice cream.
7. You arrive at your wedding to find, two ushers, four bridesmaids, and six
pallbearers.
6. You ask your doctor for a physical and he replys " I'm sorry, I dont do
autopsies".
5. The IRS invites you to a weenie-roast and the invitation begins with
"Dear Weenie..".
6. While surfing the internet, you suddenly get the following diaglogue box:
"ICBM launch successful. Confirm strike ? (Y/N) ".
4. During your commercial flight, the pilot unexpectedly mumbles something
in arabic and immediately all the stewardesses begin waving machine guns.
3. While watching the news, you spot your husband marching in a Gay Pride
parade.
2. At the vacant house next door, you notice a U-haul van and a truck which
looks very similiar to the one on the Beverly Hillbillies.
1. You receive an invitation from the Oval Office to "chew the fat".
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