Digest for Friday, October 02, 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 485 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Psychiatrists
- The Orphan (Pun)
- A COWBOYaS GUIDE TO LIFE
- 90S JARGON
- The 100GB Bug
-
- Birds of a feather
- Wedding Nite Prank(AdulT)
- Lil Johnny (adult theme)
- The Mine (Puns)
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Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1998 03:35:37 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Psychiatrists
* Patient: "I love boxer shorts."
Shrink: "Nothing wrong with that, I prefer them myself."
Patient: "Really ??? With mustard or mayonnaise ?"
- - - - -
* I'm not so sure any psychiatrist is able to help anyone. I mean
think about it. Here's a guy who has a gorgeous woman on his
couch, telling him all the intimate details of her life, and the
damn fool just sits there, talks, and takes notes.
- - - - -
* A woman complains to her shrink that her husband is always
washing the car and not paying any attention to her.
"Well..." responded the doctor, "a lot of men over-value
their cars, but what's wrong with washing the car ?"
"He does it in the bathtub." she exclaimed.
- - - - -
* The Rabbi's wife called a psychiatrist and said, "My husband
thinks he's the new Moses."
The doctor assured her that these delusions of grandeur were
only a passing fancy.
"OK." she responded. "But in the meantime, how do I keep him
from parting the waters in the hot-tub ?"
- - - - -
* A man has a first appointment with a psychiatrist and when
asked why he's there, the fellow responds, "Doctor, I'm tired of
being on the outside looking in."
"Well..." responded the doctor, "sounds like we have to try to
improve your self-image. Let's get a few basic facts first. What
do you do for a living ?"
"I'm a window washer." responded the patient.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
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Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1998 01:18:38 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Orphan (Pun)
My name is Michael Idd, and I have a heartache. A heartache that will not
abate, for the many years it has plagued my psyche. For I was born an
orphan, and my heartache concerns my natural mother, who will not
acknowledge my very existence.
I spent the majority of my adolescent and adult life in an urgent search
for my mother, who, I was told, was a popular celebrity. One day, I was
fortunate enough to catch a segment of her speech on the radio, and I knew
my search was over. I immediately began a crusade to communicate with her.
But to no avail... she refuses to take my calls, avoids my every attempt to
make contact, and has even gone as far as to leave specific instructions to
her staff that I be escorted from her place of work if I should be spotted
there. I am heartbroken, and don't know what to do.
But I, Michael Idd, will survive. And I will persist in my effort to know
the only human I can make true connection with. All I have to do is think
back to the exhilaration I felt the first time I heard her voice. That
sweet, feminine, understanding voice, lilting out across the airwaves...
saying, so softly, so confidently.... "Hi, welcome to the Dr. Laura Show...
and who am I? I am Mike Idd's mom."
(By "RumpL4skn'" <manny@damall.com>)
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Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1998 07:13:15 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A COWBOYaS GUIDE TO LIFE
~ Never squat with your spurs on!
~ Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
~ There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.=20
~ Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is=20
probably a whole lot bigger than you think.
~ If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'=20
somebody else's dog around.
~ Never ask a man the size of his spread.
~ After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started=20
roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The=20
moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
~ If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
~ Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
~ It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.=20
~ Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
~ Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad=20
judgment.
~ Always drink upstream from the herd.=20
~ Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
~ If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then
to make sure it's still there.
~ When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be=20
surprised if they learn their lesson.
~ When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown aroun=
d=20
by somebody else.
~ Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.
~ Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so
important to know what it is, but it=A6s critical to know what it was.
~ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back=
=20
in your pocket.
~ Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1998 09:12:38 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: 90'S JARGON
ALPHA GEEK - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person
in an
office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
BEEPILEPSY - The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper
goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms,
goofy facial expressions, and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.
CHIPS AND SALSA - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "Well, first we
gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
CRAPPLET - A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just
wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"
DANCING BALONEY - Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are
useless and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull.
Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."
DEPOTPHOBIA - Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how
much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia.
FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning
to leave a company or department soon.
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message
"404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be
located."Don't bother asking him. . . he's 404, man."
GENERICA - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same
no matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what
city we were in."
GOOD JOB - A "GET-OUT-OF-DEBT" JOB. A well-paying job people take in
order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are
solvent again.
IRRITAINMENT - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying,
but
you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime
example.
KEYBOARD PLAQUE - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on
computer keyboards.
MIDAIR PASSENGER EXCHANGE - Grim air-traffic-controller-speak for a
head-on collision. Midair passenger exchanges are quickly followed by
"aluminum rain."
NYETSCAPE - Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.
OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake. Seen in Elizabeth P. Crowe's book The
Electronic Traveller. (Like when you type rm -Rf *, and realize you are in /,
and not in the directory you thought you were in.)
PEBCAK - Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and
Keyboard." (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've submitted
numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them
up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is
ID10T: "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system.")
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.
PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a
"cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the
walls to see what's going on.
SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps
over everything and then leaves.
SQUARE-HEADED GIRLFRIEND - Another word for a computer. The victim
of a
square-headed girlfriend is a "computer widow."
TELEPHONE NUMBER SALARY - A salary (or project budget) that has seven
digits.
TOURISTS - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from
their jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class; the rest were
tourists."
UMFRIEND - A sexual relation of dubious standing. "This is Dale,
my...um...friend..."
UNINSTALLED - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a
vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of
an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the
operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.
VULCAN NERVE PINCH - The taxing hand position required to reach all of
the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm boot for a
Mac II involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the
Return key and the Power On key.
YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs
everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all
owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1998 09:13:35 -0400
From: Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: The 100GB Bug
Firebringer News Service (FBNS)
Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered
civilization: the 100GB Bug.
As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number
of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99
billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks,
that number will roll over to 100GB.
McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the
prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably
remote. So the signs have only two decimal places.
This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald's
signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold." This, experts predict, will
convince the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonald's hamburgers
have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer
confidence in McDonald's products. The ensuing catastrophic drop in
sales is seen as almost certain to force the already-troubled company
into bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy
over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the
global economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to
live on beetles.
"The people who know - the sign-makers - are really scared of 100GB,"
one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging up a copy of
THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading
for the hills."
************************************************
If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave.
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Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1998 11:19:33 -0400
From: Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <Humor: Using Spoonerisms for Repartee.
We're all familiar with Spoonerisms. They are a form of word play where
letters are shifted about in two-word phrases. The most famous is probably, "Is
this pie occupewed?" for "Is this pew occupied?" I just recently learned that
they
could be used in arguments.
*************
Rev. William Archibald Spooner, the father of spoonerism not only gave the
English language a new word, an eponym, but also an artful device for
repartee. The story goes that a member of parliament cut off another calling
him a shining wit, and then apologized for making a spoonerism.
--Anu Garg
Editor of A.Word.A.Day
***************************
Anyone seen any other examples?
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Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1998 17:51:57 +0100
From: Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Birds of a feather <adult>
Two toddlers, a boy and a girl, lived across the street from each other.
Both dearly loved chicken salad. Each day, they took turns having lunch
at his or her house and they always ate chicken salad. This continued
until they were ready to start school.=a0
The day before school started, their mothers found them crying. When
asked why they were crying, they responded that they could no longer eat
their chicken salad together. =a0 The mothers comforted them with the
promise that they would pack their lunches and they could still eat
chicken salad together every day. The children did so every day.
When they were about 11 years old, the girl unpacked her lunch one day
and the boy, startled, said, "That's not chicken salad. You said you
were going to eat chicken salad every day for the rest of your life.
What IS that stuff?"
To which the girl replied, "This is peanut butter and jelly. I still
love chicken salad, but I can't eat it anymore."
Boy: "Why not??"
Girl: "Because I'm growing feathers."
Boy: "You are not!"
Girl: "Yes I am. I'm growing feathers and can't eat chicken salad
anymore."
Boy: "I don't believe you, let me see."
Girl:=a0 "I can't show you my feathers."
Boy:=a0 "I don't believe you."
So the girl agrees to show him her feathers and they proceed around the
building to a solitary spot and she drops her panties and shows him her
feathers.
Boy: "My, oh, my! You ARE growing feathers. Well, I'm not and I'm going
to eat chicken salad for the rest of my natural life."
>From then on, the girl ate peanut butter and jelly and the boy ate his
chicken salad. When they were 13, the boy unpacked his lunch. The girl,
sniffing, exclaimed, "That's not chicken salad! You said you were going
to eat chicken salad for the rest of your natural life. What IS that
stuff?"
To which the boy responded, "Tuna salad. I can't eat chicken salad
anymore. I'm growing feathers, too!"
Girl: "Let me see."
Boy: "Oh, no! I couldn't possibly show you my feathers."
Girl:=a0 "I showed you mine."
Boy: "Well, I guess fair is fair. You did show me yours."
They went around the building and he dropped his pants. The girl's mouth
dropped open and she exclaimed, "You're not only growing feathers,
you're growing the neck and the gizzards, too!"
Trust me, I'm a doctor.
Catweasel <catweasel@catweasel.org>
http://www.catweasel.org
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
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Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1998 13:38:33 -0500
From: RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: Wedding Nite Prank(AdulT)
Irv and Esther were planning on getting married. Seeing how they didn't
have much money to go on a honeymoon, they decided to just go back to
their new apartment after the wedding.
The groom had three close friends, that were prone to committing
practical jokes. One being a carpenter, the other a businessman, and the
third a dentist.
They all decided to pull practical jokes on their newly married friends.
The carpenter decided he would cut the slats in the bed so that when
they climbed into bed, the bed would collapse. The businesman decided to
short sheet the bed, so that when they got into it their feet wouldn't
reach the bottom. The dentist chuckled and wouldn't tell anyone what he
planned to do.
A week later the 3 friends all received letters in the mail. "Dear
friends, we didn't mind the fact that when we got into bed, the bed
collapsed, or the guy that short sheeted it, but I'm gonna kill the
bastard that put the Novocain in the vaseline!"
--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
Just enjoy the Rainbow~
RAINY
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Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1998 15:35:25 -0500
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Lil Johnny (adult theme)
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and
go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy
and Aunt Jane in a Passionate Embrace." Little Johnny finds
this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home
and starts to tell his mother excitedly....
"MOMMYMOMMY, IWASATTHEPLAYGROUNDANDDADDYAND.."
Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story. So
Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to
look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her
take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants
off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy.."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is
such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for
supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you
tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the
undressing, laying down on the seat, and....."then Daddy and
Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do
when Daddy was in the army."
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Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1998 21:00:40 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Mine (Puns)
Many years ago a friend of mine called Joe worked in the coal mines. He
would go to work early in the morning, go down the mine to the coal face
and do his eight hour stint, then come back to the surface to get ready
to come home.
He followed this daily routine faithfully for years on end, down the
mine in the morning and up at the end of his shift. Down then up, down
then up.
One day whilst he was at the coal face he swung his pick ax and the
point went deep into a rock. He eventually managed to remove the pick ax
from the rock, and as he did so he was engulfed in a deluge of water. He
was absolutely drenched by the water, and his work mates remarked that
he looked about 10 years younger since the water had covered him. They
all tried to get soaked, and those that managed did indeed look 10 years
younger.
He, and those of his friends who had managed to get covered by the
water, were thankful but they couldn't stop wondering why they had only
been made to look 10 years younger. Why hadn't they been made to look 20
or 25 years younger than they really were? ... It must be obvious that
it was only a miner miracle.
Reply from: Jim Ertner <ertner@psnsbsn.navy.mil>
Stan:
I, too, once had a friend, Joe, who worked in the coal mines.
Unfortunately, he was killed in a freak accident when some movers lost
their grip on a grand piano they were transporting; the piano fell down
the mine shaft and crushed Joe to death. A local composer wrote an
orchestral piece in memory of Joe: It was called "Symphony in A Flat
Miner."
Jim
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