Digest for Monday, October 05, 1998
There are 12 messages totalling 448 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Partners Polemic
- Its All In The Name ("f" word)
- Remember When
- Top Cigar Ad Slogans
- Indian Aids
- A phone call
- Make a Deal (shouldnt be offensive)
- B-day present/Cannibals
- Series of old corny jokes
- WHAT"S DA DIFFERENce?(adult)
- My Footsteps
- The Alley Cat (Pun)
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Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1998 03:39:47 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Partners Polemic
* Came home late the other nite. The minute I hit the door,
Mrs JimJr started shooting from the lip.
- - - - -
* Mrs JimJr and I have gotten so damn good over the years at
patching up our quarrels, they're just as good as new ones.
- - - - -
* Guess y'all heard about the deaf mute and his wife. She was
so angry, he couldn't get a finger in edgewise.
- - - - -
* In kung fu, you fight with your feet. Big Deal. I've been
doing that for over thirty years. When Mrs JimJr gets really
upset with me, I run like hell.
- - - - -
* The wife was a little more furious than usual and said,
"I should have listened to my Mother twenty years ago."
"Go ahead..." shot back the husband. "It ain't too late.
She's still babbling away."
- - - - -
* A wife was berating her husband. He motioned for her to
quiet down saying, "Don't unleash the beast in me."
The wife snickered and replied, "Unlike a lot of women,
'dear', I'm not the least bit afraid of a mouse."
- - - - -
* Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss
their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do
anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."
"Why don't you just leave him then ?" asked her friend.
"Oh ! Not yet." the first replied, "I like to lose at
least another ten to fifteen pounds first."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
(text) www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
(zip) www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1998 07:09:31 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: It's All In The Name ("f" word)
Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry
and I am a SNAG." Another guy says, "What's that?" The first guy says,
"That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."
Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK. A girl asks, "What's
that?" He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."
A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE." Larry
says, "A WIFE? What's a WIFE?" She says, "That means, "Wash, Iron, Fuck,
Etc."
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Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1998 08:40:36 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Remember When
* You're not old UNLESS you can remember
* Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV.
* When Kool-Aid was the only other drink for kids, other than milk and
sodas.
* When there were two types of sneakers for boys.
* When boys couldn't wear anything but leather shoes to school.
* When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.
* When all your friends got their hair cut at the kitchen table.
* When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there.
* When nobody owned a pure*bred dog.
* When a dime was a decent allowance, and a quarter a huge bonus.
* When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
* When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.
* When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.
* When all your teachers wore either neckties or had their hair done,
everyday.
* When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped,
without
asking, for free, every time. And you got trading stamps to boot!
* When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside
the box.
* When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to
carry
groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
* When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a
real
restaurant with your parents.
* When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed...and did!
* When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the
fate
that awaited a misbehaving student at home.
* When women were called, "Mrs. John Smith," instead of their own name.
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1998 08:20:23 -0400
From: Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Top Cigar Ad Slogans <adult>
(via "MsKitty")
TOP CIGAR AD SLOGANS
-- These aren't your father's cigars ...
... or your mother's, for that matter.
-- When's the last time you had a good stiff Cuban?
-- Because size really does matter.
-- The bigger the hole, the bigger we roll.
-- Available in small, medium, and donkey sizes.
-- The "fun-to-put-in" carcinogen!
-- New ribs for her pleasure.
(oops.. that was for condoms)
-- After a strokin' it's still good for smokin'.
-- Long enough for a man, but made for a woman.
-- Won't leave a mess all over her dress!
-- All the flavor of a fine Cuban cigar...
with the pungent aroma of a tuna canning factory!
-- These won't go floppy in your mouth.
-- The best thing you'll ever find in a box.
-- Melts in your mouth, not in her muff!
-- Cigars... they're not just for oral pleasure any more.
And the upfront disclaimer that should
accompany any honest cigar ad slogan...
-- Batteries not included.
*****************************************************
"Chastity always takes its toll. In some it produces
pimples; in others, sex laws." -- Karl Kraus
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Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1998 07:16:28 PDT
From: r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Indian Aids<offensive to Indians and Aids patients>
An Indian Minister hangs himself when he realises that the black money
he has been hiding and the kickbacks he has been getting are on the
verge of being revealed by a newspaper that doesn t accept bribes.
His death certificate has the following as the cause of death : AIDS
His enraged relatives rush down to the mortuary to clarify that he had
been hale and healthy before his death.
" I know," said the coroner, " but this AIDS means Accumulation of
Income Derived Secretly".
read A Singaporean discovers India at
http://members.xoom.com/RanjeetSingh/main.html
______________________________________________________
Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com
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Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1998 19:14:50 +0100
From: Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: A phone call
A manager in a big company needed to contact one of his employees about
an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialled the
employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered
voice on the first ring, "Hello?"
"Is your Daddy home?" the boss quickly asked. "Yes", whispered the small
voice. May I talk with him?" the man asked, feeling somewhat put-off by
this delay. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice
whispered, "No." "Son, is there any one there besides you?" the boss
impatiently asked the child. "Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the
child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy
and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is
that noise?" "A hello-copper.", answered the whispering voice. "What
is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed voice the
child answered, "The police just landed the hello-copper!"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked,
"Why are they there?"
After a muffled giggle, the young voice replied in a very low whisper,
"They're looking for me!"
Trust me, I'm a doctor.
Catweasel <catweasel@catweasel.org>
http://www.catweasel.org
Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm)
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Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1998 19:18:02 EDT
From: Kalen Pascal <TheMan5000@AOL.COM>
Subject: Make a Deal (shouldn't be offensive)
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was
a
Rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his
study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up,
study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they
could
discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his
father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your
grades
up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair
cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking
about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah
had long hair, and even Moses had long hair...."
To which the Rabbi replied.... "Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"
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Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1998 19:27:47 EDT
From: J e n <talkloud@JUNO.COM>
Subject: B-day present/Cannibals <adult>
There was a fellow talking to his buddy one day. The fellow said,
"I
don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and
besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a
certificate
that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it.
She'll probably be thrilled!" So, the first fellow did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion?
How'd it turn out?"
"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the
mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'!"
*** ***
Three men were lost in the forest and were captured by
> > > cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they
> > > could live if they passed the trial. The first step of the
> > > trial was to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten
> > > pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went
> > > separate ways to gather fruits.
> > >
> > > The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
> > > apples." The king then explained the trial to him. You
> > > have to shove the fruits up your a** without any expression
> > > on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in,
> > > but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was
> > > killed and went to heaven.
> > >
> > > The second one arrives and shows the king that his ten
> > > fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to
> > > him, he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...
> > > 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the ninth berry he
> > > burst out in laughter, therefore he was also killed and went
> > > to heaven.
> > >
> > > The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first
> > > one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
> > >=
> > > The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I
> > > was doing well when suddenly that third guy showed up with
> > > all those watermelons!"
*** ***
"Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts." :-)
Jen (any original/never before heard jokes?? Send 'em over!!)
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Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1998 17:41:20 -0700
From: Susan Birkenseer <sbirkens@WAHOO.SJSU.EDU>
Subject: Series of old corny jokes
I'm not sure where these jokes originated, but the collector is listed at
the end.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?
"Dam."
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist.
What has four legs, is big, green, and fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
...and what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Where do you find a no-legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
--Submitted by Josephine E.
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Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1998 20:00:11 -0500
From: RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: WHAT"S DA DIFFERENce?(adult)
Q. What=92s the difference between Monica Lewinski and the rest of us?
A. When we want some dick in the White House, we just vote.
--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
Just enjoy the Rainbow~
RAINY
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
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Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1998 18:17:39 -0700
From: Keith E. Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: My Footsteps
MY FOOTSTEPS?
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her
then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had
left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up
and began playing with it. _Be still, my heart,_ thought my friend, _my
daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!_
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May
I take you order?"
Susan Dillon
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Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1998 19:30:41 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Alley Cat (Pun)
A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for
some time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the
bartender.
One evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe
through the back door. Regrettably, only his body had made it through
when Gabe slammed the door, severing the cat's tail at its base. This
proved too much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and
expired on the spot.
Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of
locking up after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door
he was startled to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding
its severed tail out, silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on
its corpse so that it could go on to the kitty after world complete.
Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost: "I can't. You know the
law:... I can't retail spirits after 2:00 A. M..
From: "Big Al" <bigal@aa.net>
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