Digest for Sunday, November 01, 1998
There are 7 messages totalling 303 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Religion
- But It Itches!
- Nobility (Pun)
- GYN FUNNY ( adult)
- Bagpipe Funnies (clean)
- Humor - Weird Business News #9 (1st of 3)
- Ironic questions and comments about contemporary life
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Date: Sun, 1 Nov 1998 03:48:18 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Religion
* Personally, I think the best test of your commitment to your
faith, regardless of your beliefs, is when the collection plate
comes around, and all you have are twenty dollar bills.
- - - - -
* We've all heard ministers who get a bit carried away with the
length of their sermons. We had a guest pastor once who was
rather talkative -- at the end of his sermon, there was a great
awakening throughout the entire congregation.
- - - - -
* Seems to me some of the Jewish dietary laws are based more on
logic than religion. For example, pork would spoil quickly in
the desert w/o refrigeration. I had a Jewish friend try to tell
me that to them, eating pork was like the sin of adultery.
Well, I'm still not convinced -- to me, there's no comparison !
- - - - -
* Speaking of pork (I was) Father O'Malley was having dinner with
his good friend Rabbi Stern. Naturally the conversation turned to
the differences in their beliefs. Teasing, the good Father asked
the Rabbi, "When are you going to break down & taste some pork ?"
The Rabbi replied, "At your wedding Father, at your wedding."
- - - - -
* Rabbi Stern and Father O'Malley were always kidding each other
about their various tenets. The Rabbi opened with: "Remember
Father, it was our ancestors who gave you the Ten Commandments."
"Ah... 'tis true Rabbi," countered the good Father, "but...
you can't say we kept them."
- - - - -
* The small town Madam wanted to make a big contribution to the
local Baptist Church. The debate as to whether to accept the
money was long, hot and furious.
Finally, an engineer in the congregation stood up and said,
"Let's be logical about this folks. It's all our money anyway."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
(text) www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
(zip) www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date: Sun, 1 Nov 1998 09:32:13 -0500
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: But It Itches! <Dirty Little Johnny joke - 'nuf said>
A teacher notices that Little Johnny, at the back of the class, is squirming
around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to
find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just
recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy.
The teacher has him go down to the principal's office to phone his mom, and
ask her what he should do about it.
He does this, returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly,
there's
a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to
find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom," she says.
"I did," he says, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon
she'd
come and pick me up from school."
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Sun, 1 Nov 1998 10:05:09 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Nobility (Pun)
There was concern in the House of Lords when John Greenleaf announced his
marriage to May Dolittle. After all, he was the Duke of Somerset, the
current peer from a long family of dukes, and she was not only a commoner,
but had been a London cabaret entertainer, whose humor tended to be
somewhat, shall we say, risque. But they were obviously in love, and the
Queen, herself, had given her blessings.
It was, therefore, with some apprehension, that his peers attended the
Greenleaf s first formal dinner after returning from their honeymoon in the Bahamas.
At the dinner table, May would entertain the guests with one of her stories
that had made her famous. To every ones surprise, John who had previously
been considered prosaic and formal, would respond with a joke of his own,
which was every bit as funny, even more so because it was so unexpected. May
would make a pun, and John would follow with a few of his own. After the
first few minutes, everyone was having the time of their life and sharing in
the festivities of the occasion.
By the time the evening was over, everyone agreed they found . . . Dame
May Whitty but John Greenleaf Whittier. (By Stan Kegel based on a pun by
Richard Lederer)
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Date: Sun, 1 Nov 1998 12:24:45 -0600
From: RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: GYN FUNNY ( adult)
How can a woman scare a gynecologist?
.
.
.
Become a ventriloquist.
--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
Just enjoy the Raneboux~
RAINY
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
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Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1998 11:18:37 -0700
From: Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Bagpipe Funnies (clean)
This was forwarded to me from a friend. Who had it forwarded from a friend....
not sure of the original poster.
>
>Q. Why do pipers always walk when they play?
>A. Moving targets are harder to hit.
>
>Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play in perfect unison?
>A. Shoot one.
>
>Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
>A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
>
>Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
>A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
>
>Q. How can you tell a piper with perfect pitch?
>A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit
> any of the ducks.
>
>Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
>A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
>
>Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
>A. You can tune the lawn mower; and the owner's neighbors are upset if you
> borrow the lawn mower and don't return it.
>
>Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
>A. Add vibrato.
>
>Q. What's the difference between a dead piper in the road and a dead
> country singer in the road?
>A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
>
>Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
>A. Twenty yards, if you have a good arm.
>
>Q. Why are a piper's fingers like lightning?
>A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
>
>Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
>A. Someone is blowing into it.
>
>Q. Why is a bagpipe like a SCUD missile?
>A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.
>
>Q. ``Hey, Buddy. How late does the pipe band play?''
>A. ``Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer.''
>
>Q. Why do they call it a ``kilt''?
>A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.
>
>Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
>A. Oh, that's the pipe player's Porsche.
>
>Q. What's a piper's definition of ``optimism''?
>A. A piper with a beeper.
>
>--Forwarded by Sue M.
>
--
Susan Birkenseer
Sue@CircusPrepress.com
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Date: Sun, 1 Nov 1998 13:50:59 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #9 (1st of 3)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IT'S A WHOLE new month. Time for an old subject. Weird Business News.
The Boy You're Coy Award to Johnnie Walker, which in a long news release
about the launching of its new men's clothing line managed to never, ever
mention the word whiskey. No word if all the clothing has to be brown.
The Where's the Fountain Pen Award to Cyberstudios of Culver City, Calif.,
which announced its personal, password-protected Bar and Bat Mitzvah
planning sites on the Internet. They join the company's personal wedding
planning Web site.
Our Let's Build a Really Big Food Item and See Who is Dumb Enough to Write
About It Award to Kellogg. The vital stats. Pop-Tart, 25 feet by 35 feet,
545 pounds of flour, 495 pounds of strawberry fruit filling, 800 pounds of
icing.
Oct. 8 was National Depression Screening Day. I missed it. Just couldn't
force myself to get out of bed that day.
And a related item, from our Cheerful News section comes this news release:
"Tanita Corporation of America Inc. today launches`Figure Your Body Fat:
Step On It America!,' a new national educational campaign aimed at helping
consumers understand the relationship between body fat and body weight --
and the importance of monitoring body fat as part of a healthy lifestyle."
The Things You Might Never Know if You Didn't Read This Column. The
factoid this time is (drum roll please) employees spend three workdays each
year standing in line to deposit their paychecks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Sun, 1 Nov 1998 22:30:29 EST
From: Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Ironic questions and comments about contemporary life
I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words.
Why does the term jerk apply only to men?
The reason I turned down an extramarital affair is because my wife
found the key to my gun cabinet.
My wife tends to leave well enough alone. Unfortunately, things are
rarely well enough.
Why do they rate a movie "R" for "adult language?" The only people I
hear using that language are teenagers.
Homeless man's sign at corner of 14th Street: "Why lie? I need a
beer."
The difference between insane asylums and our schools is that in the
insane asylum you have to show some improvement before you can get
out.
To err is human, to moo, bovine.
Anyone who thought that Lester Maddox was the most embarrassing
politician to ever come out of Georgia has never met Bob Barr.
I've got you beat. I saw a woman driver changing her clothes on an
exit ramp.
What comes first, new schools or portable classrooms?
I'm a New Yorker, and the first time someone asked me if I was a
Yankee, I misunderstood and said, "No, I like the Mets."
To the person complaining about dialing 10 digits to reach a next-door
neighbor: Try walking! And we wonder why half of the adults in America
are overweight!
Free one dollar bills! Please send $4.95 to cover postage & handling.
(Limit $1 per order).
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
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