Digest for Tuesday, November 03, 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 435 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- OSCAR BILLs Singalong!(adult)
- Men
- A Couple of Smiles (mature)
- Ponderings...
- You Know Youre In A Redneck Hospital When.....
- Some of the best Norm Peterson quotes from "Cheers":
- Eh... Whats Up Doc?
- John Glenn (offensive to older people)
- Humor - Weird Business News #9 (3rd of 3)
- e-mail addresses
- Academic Values
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Date: Tue, 3 Nov 1998 01:16:13 -0600
From: RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: OSCAR BILL's Singalong!(adult)
His baloney has a first name,
It's "I did not inhale."
His baloney has a second name:
"I wasn't getting tail."
He loves to sling it every day,
The White House people all just say,
That Billy Clinton has a way,
Of making bullshit sound OK!
--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
Just enjoy the Raneboux~
RAINY
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Date: Tue, 3 Nov 1998 03:50:31 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Men
* Know why Washington Redskins football players eat garlic ???
Easy -- to sweeten their breath.
- - - - -
* We've had a hot, dry summer this year in Maryland. It was
so hot that one of my neighbors said his wife even thawed out.
- - - - -
* One Senior Manager at the Maryland State Highway Administration
is so conceited, he has a stretch swivel chair.
- - - - -
* Wife: "Honey will you still love me when my hair turns gray ?"
Hubbie: "Why not ? I've put up with ya thru 17 other colors."
- - - - -
* Two fakirs in India were sleeping on beds of nails.
All went well until they got into a pillow fight.
- - - - -
* Don't dare ask a friend of mine how he feels. He always replies,
"I've been to so many surgeons, plastic and otherwise. I've got
plastic hips, knee replacements and four transplants. Just the
other day I realized my teeth are sixty years older than the rest
of my body."
- - - - -
* Guy sitting in a bar looked totally dejected. Naturally, the
bartender asked him what was wrong. "Tonite's my semi-weekly
love making session with my wife."
"Well..." replied the barkeep, "that ain't too bad, and it's
certainly no cause for such a sad look on your face."
"Yeah... true..." the guy replied, "but see... it's also her
nite for her semi-weekly headache."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
(text) www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
(zip) www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
To subscribe:
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Date: Tue, 3 Nov 1998 08:17:44 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A Couple of Smiles (mature)
The Most Painful Part
A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During
the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the game
as themselves and are really impressed. After the game they ask her "how
is it that you know so much about baseball?" She says, "Well, I used to
be a guy and got a sex change." The guys are amazed, but very curious
about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it
when they cut off your penis?"
"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."
"Was it when they cut off your testicles?"
"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."
"What was the most painful part?"
"The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"
========================================================================
Constipation In The Nunnery
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor
store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack,
give me a pint o' the brandy."
"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've
never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"
"Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice
dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know." So Jack sold her the
brandy.
Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the
nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine. And she was
'wasted'. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her
arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering so
Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame!
You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!" Sister Mary
Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it
is. When she sees me, she's going to shit!"
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Date: Tue, 3 Nov 1998 07:23:32 -0800
From: Varnadore Clynch <Clynch_Varnadore@SELINC.COM>
Subject: Ponderings...<Poss. off. to old astronauts>
Now that the Shuttle has taken Sen. Glenn into space I can't help thinking
that this must be the best mission yet - for the first time they've got a
cheap john that actually works!
Clynch
You must obey...you must obey...you must obey...
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Date: Tue, 3 Nov 1998 10:28:23 -0500
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: You Know You're In A Redneck Hospital When.....
- The ambulance is a mule driven buckboard with a spinning lantern.
- Nurses wear flour sack uniforms and look like burned out cloggers.
- Dogs hang around O. R. for scraps.
- The Maternity Room is a do-it-yourself with fresh straw, a jack knife
and a string.
- The Anesthesiologist is in bib overalls, and feeds you a clear liquid
out of a mason jar.
- Your Gynecologist is Ernest.
- Your Proctologist, who watched Deliverance 200 times, asks you if can
squeal like a pig.
- The Interns are led by Ernest T. Bass.
- Surgical instruments include a stick of dynamite and a chain saw.
- Hospital food consists of picking your own corn on the roof.
- Immunizations are worn fanny-packs, full of lizard's feet, owl's beaks
and pig's ears.
- Double By-Pass Surgery is only done when it's shown on The Learning
Channel.
- You have a choice of walkers, with or without a gun rack.
- You share the Recovery Room with a sick cow.
- The bill is figured either in dollars or chickens.
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Tue, 3 Nov 1998 10:52:16 -0500
From: Musat, Bob <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: Some of the best Norm Peterson quotes from "Cheers":
the character of norm peterson was a regular in the bar. he might be what
would be called a barfly, by some. the bartender would greet him as he
entered, and norm would usually come up with a very witty retort. here are
some of the best Norm Peterson quotes from "Cheers":
"What's shaking, Norm?"
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."
"What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding
beer."
"What'd you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."
"What'll you have, Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass whatever comes
out of the tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."
"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."
"What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobsey Twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."
"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."
"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"
"Whatcha up to, Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."
"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."
"How's life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."
"Women. Can't live with 'em.... pass the beer nuts."
"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."
"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."
"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
"What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."
"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early, isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."
be seeing you,
oxo
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Date: Tue, 3 Nov 1998 12:26:50 -0500
From: Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Eh... What's Up Doc? <adult>
Patient: "Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I
like sausages."
Psychiatrist: "Nonsense! I like sausages too."
Patient: "Good, you should come see my collection.
I've got hundreds of 'em."
---------------------------------------------
A woman goes to her doctor's office and inquires,
"Did I leave my panties here, doctor?"
"No," said the Doctor.
"Then I must have left them at the Dentist's office,"
said the woman.
---------------------------------------------
Dotor:
"Ask the accident victim his name so we can notify his family."
Nurse:
"I did! He said his family already knows his name."
---------------------------------------------
The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her
supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it:
The nurses hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top
off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging
out of the open front of her uniform!
"MISS JENNINGS! How can you account for parading around
the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast
exposed!"
"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform,
"It's those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when
they're through using it!"
---------------------------------------------
The beautiful young lady in the dentist's chair was
nervously wringing her hands.
" Oh dear," she said, "I'm so nervous. It's so frightening.
I think I'd rather have a baby than my teeth seen to."
"Well," replied the dentist," which would you like the most?
Just let me know and I'll adjust the chair and my clothes
accordingly."
---------------------------------------------
Margaret was royally peeved! She was arguing with the
druggist because her favorite cure-all could not be bought
without a prescription.
"Look, lady. You can't have this without a prescription
because it's a habit-forming drug."
"IT IS NOT!!!!" screamed Margaret. "I ought to know...
I've been taking it regularly for seventeen years!"
---------------------------------------------
Doc Grimsby was an old time traveling medicine show man.
He used to sell his elixir from the back of a covered wagon at
every town where he stopped. Old Pap recollected when he
stopped in his town years ago.
"Doc Grimsby got up on the back of his wagon and it didn't take
no time at all before he had him a crowd around him! He launched
off into his pretty-as-can-be spiel and said that for only a single
buck, he'd sell us a potion that would guarentee us a long life!
He even said he took it himself, and was living proof of its effects
on aging. Fact, he told us that he was 149 years old."
"I smelled a rat, so I asked his assistant if the Doc really was 149.
The kid said he couldn't prove it since he'd only been working for
the guy barely more than a century!"
******************************************************************
"If you really want something in life you have to work for it.
Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
-- Homer Simpson
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Date: Tue, 3 Nov 1998 19:05:11 -0500
From: Alan G. Rosenberg <arosenb@JUNO.COM>
Subject: John Glenn (offensive to older people)
Pssssst, This is a secret. Spread this around to everyone except for
John Glenn. People get more gullible when they get older. When John Glenn
returns from space, everybody dress in Ape Suits. Pass it on.
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Date: Tue, 3 Nov 1998 20:37:29 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #9 (3rd of 3)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Watch where you step.
From Richard Ames of the Houston company PointeCom comes our Internet Site
of the Month. It is the Air Sickness Bag VirtualMuseum at
rampages.onramp.net/~stevebo/airsick.html.
The site contains many pictures of air sickness bags from airlines all
over the world. Fortunately, all seem to be empty.
Our Why Didn't I Think of That Award to Club Recluse, designed for people
who hate clubs. Pay them $19.98 and they'll send you a membership card and
won't ever ask you to come to a meeting. Join on their Web site a
www.clubrecluse.com.
The Busted for Possession and Distribution Award to Wal-Mart after the
U.S. Agriculture Department filed suit against the retailer, accusing it of
transporting hundreds of cartons of Mexican avocados to states that did not
have federal approval to sell them.
The Nudge, Nudge, Wink, Wink Award to Porthole magazine, which is asking
subscribers to name their favorite place to have sex on a cruise ship.
Choices include the deck, pool, entertainment stage, at the midnight buffet
and inside the smokestack. Oh, the cabin is also mentioned.
The Dumb and Dumbest Award to the robbery suspect in a lineup in a Los
Angeles cop shop. When detectives asked each man to repeat the words, "Give
me all your money or I'll shoot," the suspect shouted, "That's not what I
said."
And finally, Our Who Was That Masked Man Award to me. I'm outta here on
vacation. See you later this month.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Tue, 3 Nov 1998 20:48:15 -0800
From: Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: e-mail addresses <adult>
Many colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6
characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or
end to make up an E-Mail address. For example: Mary L.Ferguson =
mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the
problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of
people to choose from.
TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses
10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University)
eatonsht@dku.edu
9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University)
cumminme@fu.edu
8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.)
blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania)
dickinme@iup.edu
6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University)
kissinfk@lvu.edu
5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating)
beeranbj@myplace.com
4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University)
aspicker@pu.edu
3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University)
ibballin@bsu.edu
2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division,
Overton Canada)
btkisser@bendover.com
1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us)
ihadcock@tru.com
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Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1998 00:35:14 -0500
From: Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Academic Values
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He
handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in.
The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to
his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This
student got back his test and $64 change.
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