Digest for Wednesday, November 04, 1998
There are 14 messages totalling 720 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Elephantine Jokes!:The Soccer Game
- Men and Women
- The Farmers Son (Pun)
- Lincoln-Kennedy (mildly offensive)
- The Law is the Law
- Tough Game/School Play
- An Oldie, But A goodie - Duck Shopper
- The Luck of the DEAL
- NOAHS ARK
- Sponsor an NBA player
- 25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years
- Strangers on a Train
- El Jokes!:Pachydermic Personnel Prediction
- The Patriot (Pun)
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Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1998 12:48:18 -0500
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Elephantine Jokes!:The Soccer Game <clean>
It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants
decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was
going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to ZERO,
when the Ants gained posession.
The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the
Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering
towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing
him instantly.
The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think
you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another
player?"
The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was
just trying to trip him up."
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1998 04:02:37 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Men and Women
* A man walks over to a vision of loveliness at a party and sez,
"Excuse me, could I interest you in breaking up my marriage ?"
- - - - -
* A woman visits her husband's office and meets his secretary who
looks like a former PlayMate of the Month. "Nice to finally meet
you." she said. "My husband has told me so little about you."
- - - - -
* Times have changed drastically in the relationships between
men and women. These days, when a man gets upset with his
wife, he goes to his club. In the days of the cavemen, he
just reached for it.
- - - - -
* Pity poor Mary. She found the man of her dreams, but being
a strict Catholic, she refused to marry him unless he converted
to her religion. The young man started attending classes.
Now Mary's back on the dating scene again -- seems her young
man decided to become a Priest.
- - - - -
* "Marge ! I see you finally got George to go to Church." said
the neighbor over the back fence.
"Well, yes... but I'm afraid he's still not into the spirit of
it all. He waited for everyone to finish saying the Creed and
the Prayer of the Church, then he just nodded his head."
- - - - - -
* Two buddies were having a few before they went home and the
conversation turned to their wives. One said to the other,
"I find my wife entertaining."
"Gee... that's great." replied his drinking buddy. "Wish I
could say that."
"Yeah ? Well... you wouldn't think it was so great if you
found her entertaining every damn time you went in the door."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
(text) www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
(zip) www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1998 02:06:12 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Farmer's Son (Pun)
Farmer Brown's son George went to the big city to make his fortune.
Unfortunately he became a stockbroker, and on last October 20, he found
himself reduced to shining shoes for a living.
At the same time, a run of unusually good weather resulted in an abundance
of late hay down on the farm.
So, in this story, ... the farmer makes hay, while the son shines.
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Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1998 06:00:27 -0500
From: Jay Harman <jharman@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Lincoln-Kennedy (mildly offensive)
Thanks to Don at Mailcity....
<--------------- lincon vs. kennedy --------------->
Kennedy - Lincoln Similarities
Here's a little part of US history which makes you wonder
Coincidence?
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White
House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth,was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald,was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker,
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
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Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1998 07:03:14 -0500
From: Gwen Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: The Law is the Law
(got this from a friend of mine)
The following are laws from around the world...
Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: After
having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh.
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death.
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is
forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may
only see their reflection in a mirror.
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered
with brick or piece of wood at all times.
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and
deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for
the first time. Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for
virgins to marry. (Now let's just think for a minute... Is there any job
anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband's lover, on
the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical
fish stores. (Of course!!)
In Cali, Columbia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the
act.
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at the same time. (Presume this was a big enough problem
that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one
exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in
places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the
premises." (Gotta love the good 'ole USA!)
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Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1998 07:04:02 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Tough Game/School Play
It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The
home team had been the victim of three or four close calls and they were
now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the
official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home
quarterback blew his top. "How many times can you do this to us in a
single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were
wrong on that last first down and you missed an illegal tackle in the
first quarter." The official just starred. The quarterback seethed but he
suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it
comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!"
The official starred a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the
ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the
steaming quarterback and finally replied, "And how do I smell from here,
young hothead?"
=====================================================================
Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.
Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today,
he asked his son if he got a part.
Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man
who's been married for twenty years, just like you dad!"
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll
be giving you a speaking part."
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Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1998 08:16:11 -0500
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: An Oldie, But A goodie - Duck Shopper
A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager,"Got
any fresh fruit?"
"No."
"Got any fresh vegetables?"
"No. We have only canned and dry goods."
The next day, the duck returns.
"Got any fresh fruit?"
"No."
"Got any fresh vegetables?"
"No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry
goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same
question, I'll nail your flippers to the floor."
On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks,"Got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any fresh fruit?"
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1998 07:42:30 -0600
From: RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: The Luck of the DEAL
A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were
arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault.
Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to
do with it so, why should I tip him?"
The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?"
"Yes."
"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip
me."
"Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an
eight."
--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
Just enjoy the Raneboux~
RAINY
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Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1998 09:51:17 -0500
From: Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: NOAH'S ARK
ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW
I LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK
-- Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
-- Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might
ask you to do something REALLY big.
-- Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.
-- Build on high ground.
-- For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
-- Two heads are better than one.
-- Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs
were on board, but so were the snails.
-- If you can't fight or flee -- float!
-- Take care of your animals as if they were
the last ones on earth.
-- Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
-- When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there
and complain -- shovel!!!
-- Stay below deck during the storm.
-- Remember that the ark was built by amateurs
and the Titanic was built by professionals.
-- If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
-- Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often
a bigger threat than the storm outside.
-- Don't miss the boat.
-- No matter how bleak it looks, there's always
a rainbow on the other side.
*************************************************
"We can't all, and some of us don't.
That's all there is to it." -- Eeyore
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Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1998 08:34:15 MST
From: Jim Winski! <jcw@UPI.UHCOLORADO.EDU>
Subject: Sponsor an NBA player
"NBA PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM" NEEDS YOU
With an NBA player's strike against the team owners, now is the time for us to
show the world just how much we care. It's just not right. Hundreds of
basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the
seven-figure salary line. And as if that weren't bad enough, they will be
deprived of pay for several weeks-possibly a whole year!
But now you can help! For about two thousand dollars a day - that's less than
the cost of a large screen projection TV - you can help keep a basketball
player economically viable during his time of need.
Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a
basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent
golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two thousand dollars
is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage payments. But to a
basketball player, two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his
salary.
Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to buy that
home entertainment center, trade in the year old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or
enjoy a weekend in Rio.
"HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?"
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you
sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate
and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get
information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive
upon retirement.
"HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING"
Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just
wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he
will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in
case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.
Simply fill out the form below.
YES, I want to help! I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball
player.
My preference is checked below:
[ ] Starter
[ ] Reserve
[ ] Star*
[ ] Superstar**
[ ] Entire team***
[ ] I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one for me.
* Higher cost
** Much higher cost
*** Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team.
(Does not include cheerleaders)
Please charge the account listed below $2,054.79 per day for reserve or
starter for the duration of the strike.
Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team
logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my
lapel.
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express
[ ] Discover Card [ ] Diner's Club
Your Name: __________________________
Telephone Number: __________________________
Account Number: __________________________ Exp.Date:
Signature: __________________________
Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-888-TOOMUCH now to
enroll by phone (Children under 18 must have parent's approval)
Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored,
either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone
calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball
player you have sponsored will be much to busy enjoying his free time, thanks
to your generous donations. Oh yes, contributions are not tax deductable.
Jim Winski - jcw@upi.uhcolorado.edu
Programmer/Analyst, Information Systems
University Physicians, Inc. - Denver, CO
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Date: Sun, 4 Oct 1998 07:55:28 -0700
From: Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: 25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years
>25 Things I Have learned in 50 Years by Dave Barry
>
> 1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of
>helicopters in it.
>
> 2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
> reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
>
> 3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of
>humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
>
> 4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is
>entertainment.
>
> 5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
>you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from
>her at that moment.
>
> 6. A penny saved is worthless.
>
> 7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be
>peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is
>hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet
>except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East
>will be bitter enemies.
>
> 8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
>
> 9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
>gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep
>down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
>
> 10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
>make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
>
> 11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
>
> 12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
>want you to share yours with them.
>
> 13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that
>generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new
>concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of
>possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG
>PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into
>a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX
>QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next
>time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN
>APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with
>hammers.
>
> 14. Nobody is normal.
>
> 15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very
>excited and announce that * The universe is even bigger than they
>thought! * There are even more subatomic particles than they thought! *
>Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
>
> 16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
>has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
>would be "meetings."
>
> 17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy
>people who are not in them.
>
> 18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of
>what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
>
> *If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile,"
> the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all
> other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father.
>
> *If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that
> there are significant differences between these two products, both
> companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
>
> *If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable
> athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact
> that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability.
>
> *If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the
> critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this
> factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.
>
> 19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of
>its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not
>use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
>
> 20. You should not confuse your career with your life.
>
> 21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
>person.
>
> 22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
>seriously.
>
> 23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
>individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very
>often, that individual is crazy.
>
> 24. Your friends love you anyway.
>
> 25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
>
>> -- Dave Barry
>
--
Susan Birkenseer
Sue@CircusPrepress.com
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Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1998 17:08:20 -0500
From: William E. Grover <g7718769@IDT.NET>
Subject: Strangers on a Train <adult situation>
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same
sleeping compartment of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they
both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the
lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says,
"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if
you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better
idea... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own damn blanket."
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Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1998 11:31:30 -0500
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: El' Jokes!:Pachydermic Personnel Prediction <clean>
PACHYDERMIC PERSONNEL PREDICTION by Peter C. Olsen
A bold new proposal for matching high-technology people and professions
Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the
right job has consumed thousands of worker-years of research
and millions of dollars in funding. This is particularly
true for high-technology organizations where talent is scarce and
expensive. Recently, however, years of detailed study by the
finest minds in the field of psychoindustrial interpersonnel
optimization have resulted in the development of a simple
and foolproof test to determine the best match between
personality and profession. Now, at last, people can be infallibly
assigned to the jobs for which they are truly best suited.
The procedure is simple: Each subject is sent to Africa to hunt
elephants. The subsequent elephant-hunting behavior is then
categorized by comparison to the classification rules outlined
below. The subject should be assigned to the general job
classification that best matches the observed behavior.
CLASSIFICATION GUIDELINES
Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out
everything that is not an elephant,and catching one of whatever is left.
Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at
least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a
subordinate exercise.
Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of
at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and
capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.
Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known
elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. Assembly
language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray
animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs
within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if
elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted
anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those
people who do. Operations research consultants can also measure
the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of
elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only
identify the elephants.
Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants
you catch with the people who voted for them.
Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around
arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim
that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
Vice presidents of engineering, research, and development try hard to
hunt elephants,but their staffs are designed to prevent it.When the vice
president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all
possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees
them. If the vice president does see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will
(1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and
(2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the
assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for
mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
Sales People don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling
elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the
season opens. Software sales people ship the first thing they
catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware sales
people catch rabbits,paint them gray,and sell them as desktop elephants.
VALIDATION : A validation survey was conducted about these
rules. Almost all the people surveyed about these rules were
valid. A few were invalid, but they expected to recover soon.
Based on the survey, a statistical confidence level was
determined. Ninety-five percent of the people surveyed have at
least 67 percent confidence in statistics.
ACKNOWLEDGMENT:This study has benefited from the suggestions and observations
of many people,all of whom would prefer not to be mentioned by name.
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1998 22:50:25 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Patriot (Pun)
Memorial Day weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the
opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great
country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this
country, we are all free."
One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood
with his hands on his hips and said, . . . "I'm not free. I'm four."
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