Digest for Tuesday, December 01, 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 527 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Rabbits (Pun)
- Romance Knows No Age
- Old St. Nicki?
- New Barbie Dolls (mature)
- Tobacco Settlement
- ENGINEERS VS. MANAGERS
- TOP TEN SIGNS YOU BOUGHT THE WRONG COMPUTER
- No arguing with Logic......
- Evolution of Mom
- Correct ID
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 1 Dec 1998 01:18:37 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Rabbits (Pun)
A friend of mine used to work at the local animal shelter. They looked
after all kinds of sick, injured and abandoned animals. My friend
however hated small animals, small dogs, rodents and rabbits.
One day a rabbit was brought in with rabies. My friend fell in love
with it, rabies having an odd effect of a rabbits temperament, changing
it completely. Other than the fact that it was always running very fast,
it had the most pleasant personality. She decided to take the rabbit
home and care for it.
Time passed and every time a rabbit with rabies was brought into the
shelter she would take it home. To this day she has hundreds of these rabbits.
She has a rapid rabid rabbit habit.
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Tue, 1 Dec 1998 04:41:53 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Romance Knows No Age
* Two Yuppettes were lunching and one said to the other, "I
never imagined that you would marry the man you did."
"Neither did I." replied her friend. "I disliked his ways
but I just adored his means."
- - - - -
* Using the wisdom of my fifty-six years, I'd like to pass along
a tip to all of the young single men: Listen you guys, don't
bother searching for the ideal woman. If you do get married,
you'll end up with a wife, just like the rest of us.
- - - - -
* A worried Father asked his daughter if her latest beau was
serious about their relationship. "I'll say he is Daddie."
responded the girl. "Just last nite he asked me how much
you make, what kind of meals Mom serves and if you two are
easy to get along with."
- - - - -
* Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher
told her young charges, "Use a word ten times, and it shall
be yours for life."
From somewhere in the back of the room, came a small male
voice chanting, "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda,
Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda."
- - - - -
* The next door neighbor's girl, Emily, was racing around my
son's house with my Grandson in hot pursuit. I said, "Jimmy,
Why are you chasing Emily ?"
"She pinched me." he shouted breathlessly.
"Emily, why did you pinch Jimmy ?" I asked.
"So he would chase me." she giggled.
- - - - -
* Intercepted e-mail:
Dear Jody,
I'm getting so absent minded. At the party last nite, I invited
someone to weekend with me & I forgot whether you said yes or no.
Dear Tom:
So very glad to hear from you. I knew I had told someone "Ain't
no way" last nite, but I had forgotten who it was.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
(text) www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
(zip) www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
Message Board:
www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137
To subscribe:
Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Tue, 1 Dec 1998 06:41:25 -0500
From: Gwen Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Old St. Nicki?
Old St. Nicki?
I think Santa Claus is a woman....
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think
about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal,
and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For
starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts
until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find
only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves.
On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a
man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a
rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem
for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no
reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear
bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had
been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the
taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation
problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and
clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
* Men can't pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen
with all those elves.
* Men don't answer their mail.
* Men refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as
anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
* Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their
ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are
men.........Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician
who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the
testosterone screening test.
But not St. Nick. Not a chance.
(original author unknown)
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Tue, 1 Dec 1998 06:57:01 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: New Barbie Dolls (mature)
Sister Mary Barbie: This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and
neck for genuflecting and praying, mini rosary beads,
a mini bible and a black sequinned nun's habit (after
all, she's still Barbie). Pull the string on her back
and she says nothing because she has taken a vow of
silence.
Rabbi Barbie: So, why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in
Judaism. Rabbi Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke,
prayer shawl, Teflon, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls.
Optional: tiny mezuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.
Admin Barbie: Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's
salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being
the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini
laptop. Pull the string on her back and she'll schedule a
meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge
in the laser printer, co-ordinate a re-org and a move and
order airline tickets for Admin Ken.
Temp Barbie: This smartly dressed, intelligent, hardworking and
enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but
usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone
tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on
her back and she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the
while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes
with mini resume and mini filing cabinet filled with the
past five years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to
be collated.
Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie: Pull the string on her back
and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats
for her ex's new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men,
and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on the
ring finger of her left hand).
Twelve-Step Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi, I'm
Barbie and I'm an alcoholic." Comes with a "One Day
at a Time" bumper sticker, a 30-day chip and a pack
of smokes.
Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and
comfortable, if ugly, sandals. Made from recycled
materials.
Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet,
camera, detachable limbs, fake blood and the
ability to perform surgery on her-self in the
Outback.
Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail,
UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay
scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing
outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased
separately for Barbies who are holding down second
jobs in order to make ends meet.
Homegirl Barbie: Truly a fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy
jeans. Comes with gold jewellery, hip-hop accessories
and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and says things like
"I don't think so," "Dang, get outta my face," and "You
go, girl." Teaches girls not to take crap from men.
Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.
Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged
walking machine! After falling over she says "Control
theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!"
Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a
real curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to show girls
that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a
miniature basket of dinner rolls, bucket o' fried
chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of
Dreyer's ice cream, three bags of potato chips, a
T-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat", and, of
course, an appetite.
Mobile Home Park Barbie: Comes complete with hair in rollers and
pregnant. Accessories include two toddlers. When
you pull the string on her back she asks where
her gov't support check is. Some Mobile Home
Barbies come with surprise Ken or G.I. Joe since
they often give her surprise visits when they
come into town.
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Tue, 1 Dec 1998 08:08:13 -0500
From: Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Tobacco Settlement
(via Clint.Heine)
Q: Could you please explain the recent historic
tobacco settlement?
A: Sure! Basically, the tobacco industry has admitted that
it is killing people by the millions, and has agreed that
from now on it will do this under the strict supervision of
the federal government.
Q: Will there be monetary damages assessed?
A: Yes. To compensate for the immense suffering caused
by its products, the tobacco industry will pay huge sums
of money to the group most directly affected.
Q: Lawyers?
A: Yes.
Q: Will the federal government also receive large quantities
of money?
A: Of course.
Q: How will the tobacco industry obtain this money?
A: By selling more tobacco products.
Q: What if consumers stop buying tobacco products?
A: That would be very bad. That would mess up the economics
of the whole thing. The government would probably have to
set up an emergency task force to figure out ways to get people
smoking again in order to finance the historic tobacco settlement.
Q: If the government really wants people to stop smoking,
how come it doesn't just make cigarettes illegal?
A: Because people would smoke them anyway.
Q: Then how come the government makes crack cocaine illegal?
A: That is an unfair comparison. The tobacco industry is merely
selling a deadly product; the crack cocaine industry is guilty
of something far far worse.
Q: Failure to make large political donations??
A: Yes.
Q: Many people started smoking because they watched classic
movies in which glamorous Hollywood stars were always inhaling
and exhaling vast clouds of smoke and looking totally cool. What
will be done to correct this under the historic tobacco settlement?
A: By mid 1999, all classic movies will be digitally reprocessed by
special Food and Drug Administration computers so that - to cite
one example - in Casablanca, when Humphrey Bogart makes
his dramatic final speech to Ingrid Bergman, he will have the voice
of Rocky the Flying Squirrel.
Q: Whose voice will the late John Wayne have?
A: The late Lucille Ball's.
Q: What will happen to all the tobacco institute scientists, who,
despite decades of dedicated research, were never able
to find a single shred of evidence proving that cigarettes
cause cancer?
A: At the request of the White House, they will be reassigned
to the Whitewater investigation.
Q: Speaking of administration scandals, if President Clinton
actually winds up in court over this Paula Jones thing, what
steps will be taken to prevent the trial from turning into a
grotesque and demeaning pubic spectacle?
A: Mr. Clinton's face will be covered at all times by an
electronically superimposed dark blob, underneath which
will be an electronic label identifying him only as "A United
States President."
Q: How will the historic tobacco settlement affect the aliens
whose spaceship crashed near Roswell, N.M. in 1947?
A: Millions of dollars will be paid to their lawyers.
Q: I guess that covers it! Thanks! Smoke?
A: No, thank you. I have my own.
*******************************************
There are three kinds of lies --
lies, damned lies, and statistics.
-- Mark Twain
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Tue, 1 Dec 1998 14:15:31 EST
From: Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: ENGINEERS VS. MANAGERS
A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the
height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and
tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape
measures - the whole thing is just a mess.
An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks
over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat,
measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the
managers and walks away.
After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs.
"Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height
and he gives us the length."
====================================
"Between kindness and honesty,
my vote is for kindness, every time--
giving or receiving." Robert Heinlein
====================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Tue, 1 Dec 1998 14:40:40 -0500
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: TOP TEN SIGNS YOU BOUGHT THE WRONG COMPUTER
The biggest fear of any computer user is that you just blew several
grand on a clunker that's not even fit for a boat anchor.
Try these dead giveaways on for size:
10. The monitor is certified for low emissions by JiffyLube.
9. The logo on your receipt: International House of Lame Computers.
8. The infrared cordless keyboard has only 15 keys, and one of them is
marked Fast Forward.
7. You see the salesman you bought it from hawking genuine Rolexes on
street corners.
6. The sound board and speakers are a separate unit, and they receive
only AM.
5. The ad slogan: Ronald McDonald just grew up.
4. It has only two expansion slots, and they just popped up a couple of
rounds of toast.
3. It's labeled "energy saving" only because there's no power supply.
2. You just got another one with your Happy Meal.
1. The sticker reads "nothing of value inside."
Happy Holidays to one and all!
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Tue, 1 Dec 1998 20:21:27 -0600
From: RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: No arguing with Logic......
My Mother taught me LOGIC - "If you fall off that swing and break your
neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE - "If you don't stop
crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD - "If you don't pass your spelling
test, you'll never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP - "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I
know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE - "What were you thinking?
Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR - "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."
--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
Just enjoy the Raneboux~
RAINY
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Tue, 1 Dec 1998 21:30:44 -0700
From: Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Evolution of Mom
Another forward from a friend
>The Evolution Of Mom
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with
>each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child
>differs from having your first:
>Your Clothes
>* 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon
>as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
>* 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as
>possible.
>* 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular
>clothes.
>The Baby's Name
>* 1st baby: You pore over baby name books and practice
>pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
>* 2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your
>great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
>* 3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and
>see where your finger points.
>Preparing for the Birth
>* 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
>* 2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you
>remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
>* 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
>
>The Layette
>* 1st baby: You cherish your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate
>them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
>* 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are
>clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
>* 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
>
>Worries
>* 1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a
>frown-you pick up the baby.
>* 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten
>to wake your firstborn.
>* 3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the
>mechanical swing.
>Activities
>* 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics,
>Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
>* 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
>* 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and
>the dry cleaner.
>Going Out
>* 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter,
>you call home 5 times.
>* 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you
>remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
>* 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only
>if she sees blood.
>At Home
>* 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at
>the baby.
>* 2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure
>your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
>* 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the
>children.
>
--
Susan Birkenseer
Sue@CircusPrepress.com
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Wed, 2 Dec 1998 00:40:18 -0500
From: Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Correct ID
From Juan Roberto:
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the
doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index