Digest for Friday, December 04, 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 677 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Encounters
- Martha Stewarts Holiday Calendar
- Assorted Smiles (some mature)
- Restroom Door
- Twas the Night Before Xmas - Dieters Version
- Weird Business News #10 (2nd of 3)
- Internet Outage *wink, wink*
- insurance
- Saint Peter (Pun)
- Money
- 12 days of Christmas
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1998 03:04:11 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Encounters
* When we first moved to Glenelg Maryland I was really quite
impressed with the locals. Everywhere I went, it was "Howdy
Neighbor"... that is until I walked into the local bank to
cash a check, then, it was "Good Morning Stranger."
- - - - -
* When my daughter, Sandy, was quite young we stopped by the
beauty shop to pick-up Mrs JimJr. She wasn't quite ready, so
we sat down and waited. Without any warning, Sandy goes over
to Mrs JimJr's stylist and blurts out, "My Daddy says you're
a fairy. May I see your magic wand ?"
- - - - -
* A lil' Yuppette was picked-up in a bar by an artist who took
her to his condo to show her his paintings. The next day a
friend asked her how it went.
"Not quite as I expected." the Yuppette replied. "He sold
me $250 worth of his paintings."
- - - - -
* I was interviewing college students for the State Highway to
set-up and run our new CAD system. A candidate from Vassar
submitted her resume, complete with an attached genealogical
chart. I told her that while her ancestry was indeed quite
impressive, we were interested in hiring someone to run the
new CAD system, not breed.
- - - - -
* Shopping for an upgrade, the perky lil' salesgirl seemed very
intent on me trying an Apple, instead of a PC. As she extolled
the virtues of the machine, I happened to glance down at her
name-tag.
When I saw her name was "Eve", I beat a hasty retreat from the
store. I mean ain't no way I was gonna be held responsible for
starting THAT all over again.
- - - - -
* A stuffy old dowager was explaining to the Jewish florist how
she wanted the flowers arranged at the DAR (Daughters of the
American Revolution) meeting to celebrate the signing of the
Declaration of Independence. "Actually," she said, "one of my
ancestors was present at the presentation of the document to
the Congress."
"How very nice." replied the florist. "One of my mine was
present at the presentation of the Ten Commandments to the
world."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
(text) www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
(zip) www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
Message Board:
www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137
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Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1998 06:01:03 -0500
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar
Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside
down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
answering machine.
December 3
Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion
cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows '95
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
December 12
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for
decorative pie crusts.
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires
are shot out at mall.
December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height
when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add
a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and
cinnamon sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last
minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate
than they really are.
December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with
homemade potpourri.
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each
time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
------------------------------
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Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1998 07:24:28 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Assorted Smiles (some mature)
A man named Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle with two
large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks, "What's in
the bags?" "Sand," answers Juan to which the guard replies, "We'll just
see about that..." The guard takes the bags, rips them apart, empties
them out and finds nothing but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has
the sand analyzed, but discovers that it really is nothing but pure sand.
Finally, the guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them
onto the man's shoulders and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens, Juan approaches the border on his
bicycle with two bags of sand. The guard asks him, "What have you got?"
and Juan replies, "Sand." Again the guard does a thorough examination and
discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back
to Juan, who crosses the border.
This sequence is repeated every day for several months until finally the
guard is sitting in a Cantina in Mexico and Juan walks in. "Hey, Buddy,"
says the guard to Juan, "I know you're smuggling something... It's been
driving me crazy. It's all I think about! I can't sleep. Just between you
and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Let There Be Peace
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior
high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and
contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three
young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his
street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing
percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man
decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as
they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids
are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In
fact, I use to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a
favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every
day and do your thing." he kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up
job on the trashcans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids
again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's
really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll
only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer
and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree
approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look,"
he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not
going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going
to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts!
No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for
the rest of his days.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Australian Entrepreneurs
Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the
following scam: A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to
be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices
seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check. After
several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present
law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be
prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a
company check. However, due to the name of the company, few people will
present these checks to their banks. The name of the company: "The Anal
Sex and Fetish Perversion Company"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly
started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the
man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that
you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't
help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work
for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
------------------------------
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Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1998 09:33:53 -0500
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Restroom Door
THE RESTROOM DOOR SAID GENTLEMEN
(Tune: "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen")
Author: unknown
The restroom door said "Gentleman"
And so I walked inside,
I took two steps and realized
I'd been taken for a ride,
I heard high voices, turned
and found the place was occupied,
By two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse,
What could be worse
Than two old nuns, three old ladies and a nurse...
The restroom door said "gentlemen"
It must have been a gag,
As soon as I walked in there
I saw an old hag,
She sprayed me with a can of mace
And slapped me with her bag,
I could tell this just wouldn't be my day,
What can I say?
This just wasn't turning out to be my day...
The restroom door said "gentlemen"
And I would like to find,
That crummy little creep
Who had the nerve to switch the sign,
'Cause I have two black eyes
And one big bruise on my behind,
So I can't sit with comfort and joy
Boy, oh boy,
No, I'll never sit with comfort and joy.
*****************************************
Only 20 more shoplifting days 'til Christmas.
------------------------------
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Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1998 10:15:25 -0500
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: 'Twas the Night Before Xmas - Dieter's Version
'Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her my girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.
My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
In the morning I'll starve... 'til I take that first bite!
-----------------------------------
And, from Barb & Joel, Murphy & Edgrr Kent, WA:
One more reason Santa has to be a man: No woman is going to wear the same
outfit, year
after year.
Happy Holidays to one and all!
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1998 11:07:24 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Weird Business News #10 (2nd of 3)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Military keeps going and going ...
Our Longest Reach for a Tie-In Award to Battery Council International for
the following news release headline: "Lead-acid batteries behind the scenes
in Middle East Military Standoff. Because lead batteries are at work,
planes and ships are ready for combat."
Best Fashion Statement: Cremation jewelry.
The Best Question Asked Award to Houston radio station KRTS-FM for:
"Classical music makes college students smarter and cows give more milk.
What can it do for you?"
Our Mixed Messages Awards to the person driving on Kirby one morning last
month in a car with three anti-death-penalty bumper stickers -- speeding
through a school zone.
Things nonreaders of this column might never know: It takes twice as much
to own and operate a Chevrole Metro as it does a Mercedes 320S, according
to Runzheimer International.
Best Unofficial Company Slogan -- Not At My Company Division: "Scum always
floats to the top."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1998 09:56:11 -0800
From: Fong, Dara <dara_fong@USCS.COM>
Subject: Internet Outage *wink, wink*
I apologize for the short notice for this important announcement.
The Internet Headquarters management has granted the request from the
Network Administrator's Union to close the Internet on December 11, so
that the Internet's administrators can all attend the premiere of the
movie "Star Trek IX: Insurrection." To this end, the Internet will be
turned off starting at 12:01 PM GMT (7:01 AM EDT) on December 11, and
will be turned back on again exactly 24 hours later.
All Internet service providers are urged to inform their clients of this
necessary closure. If your clients have any questions, point them to
http://www.arpanet.gov for background information and updates.
Again, I apologize for having to close the Internet for this period, but
the network administrators need this time off to research new geeky
signature quotes.
Sincerely,
C. Rice
NOC, Network Operations Center
InterNIC
INTERNIC@arpanet.gov
Voice: 800-711-1969
(FAX) 916-441-5353
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Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1998 17:54:03 -0800
From: Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: insurance <clean>
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance
company.
Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty
thousand and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't
work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured
and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel
the policy on my husband."
Steven
------------------------------
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Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1998 19:54:16 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Saint Peter (Pun)
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves
at the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they are told
that they must present something "Christmassy." in order to get in.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the
family's Christmas tree. He is let it.
The second man presents a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were
opened earlier in that night. So he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last
gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
To which he replies, "Oh, . . . They're Carol's."
------------------------------
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Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1998 22:48:46 -0600
From: RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Money
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an
accountant.
Now he was being interviewed by a very
nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said.
"But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have
to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off
my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a
small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
Just enjoy the Raneboux~
RAINY
------------------------------
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Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1998 22:18:24 -0700
From: Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: 12 days of Christmas
A forward from a friend....
> The Twelve Thank-you Notes of Christmas (Family Version)
>
> Dec 25
>
> My dearest darling Edward,
> What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge,
> in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic
> present! Bless you, and thank you.
> Your deeply loving,
> Emily
>
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Dec. 26
>
> Beloved Edward,
> The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the
> pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!
> With undying love, as always,
> Emily
>
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Dec. 27
>
> My darling Edward,
> You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending
> anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France?
> It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some.
> Anyway, thank you so much; they're lovely.
> Your devoted,
> Emily
>
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Dec. 28
>
> Dearest Edward,
> What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very
> sweet, even if they do call rather loudly, they make telephoning almost
> impossible, but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their
> new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am.
> Love from Emily
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Dec. 29
>
> Dearest Edward,
> The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for
> each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present!
> Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking
> after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row,
> and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she
> wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense
> of humor. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she
> means. Still, I love the rings.
> Bless you,
> Emily
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Dec. 30
>
> Dear Edward,
> Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning,
> it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the
> porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds.
> We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn.
> I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?
> Love,
> Emily
>
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Dec. 31
>
> Edward,
> I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more
> than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd
> rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house
> seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind
> them, so please, please, stop!
> Your Emily
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Jan 1
>
> Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids?
> And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't
> find it very amusing.
> Emily
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Jan. 2
>
> Look here, Edward,
> This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing.
> All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not
> ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of
> shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round
> the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our
> friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous
> behavior at once!
> Emily
>
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Jan 3
>
> As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down
> all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and
> the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking
> inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbors are
> trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.
> Emily
>
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Jan 4
>
> This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now
> become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the
> council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has
> been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon
> in an ambulance to a home for the bewildered. I hope you're satisfied.
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Jan. 5
>
> Sir,
>
> Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that
> with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire
> percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of
> their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an
> injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making
> arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.
>
> I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
>
> G. Glass
> Attorney at law
>
--
Susan Birkenseer
Sue@CircusPrepress.com
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